


Whenever you're ready

by notaqueenakhaleesi



Category: Dark (TV 2017)
Genre: Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Noah is soft for Elisabeth ONLY, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Yearning, and sometimes Jonas but not really, some angst in there, some fluff in there, the Dark fandom FEASTING on these two, the big sad tm, we love to see it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:54:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 41
Words: 99,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25064992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaqueenakhaleesi/pseuds/notaqueenakhaleesi
Summary: '...but she’d accepted the fact that she would only ever be a little girl to him, or even worse, a little sister, despite her ever-changing body and moods.Nevertheless, sometimes a part of her still hoped. Hoped that his gentle, calloused fingers on her injured leg meant more than just first-aid. Hoped that their paradise mantra was more than just a repeated prayer. Hoped that he, too, longed for his ashy hair to grow out faster just so she could cut it again.'-Elisabeth and Noah's story, picking up from 8 years after the apocalypse, with flashbacks of the past 8 years together.
Relationships: Elisabeth Doppler/Noah | Hanno Tauber
Comments: 610
Kudos: 751





	1. Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter edited to fit Elisabeth's canon birth in 2011- this chapter takes place in February, 2028.

A gentle nudge woke Elisabeth. She opened her eyes, her vision blurry as they came to focus on Noah's wolfish face, a gleam in his silvery eyes.

Groggily, Elisabeth sat up on her bed mat, stretching out her aching, tired muscles. She felt stones through her thin bedroll. _Why so early?_ she signed. It was barely light in the cave, and it was painfully cold, subterranean and chilling. Her words formed a white mist, and she opened her mouth wide to exhale her hot breath, a _drachen._

__

_You don't remember?_ Noah signed back. He was twenty-four, tall, beautiful. Elisabeth knew she had groaned audibly, because Noah's grin only widened. _Happy seventeenth birthday!_ he signed, smiling one of his rare, for-Elisabeth-only smiles.

__

Elisabeth did not return the smile. She grimaced and pulled her ragged fox beanie over her head, then wriggled into her tracksuit pants inside her sleeping bag, which she had kicked off in her sleep. Noah averted his eyes at seeing her bare shoulders peek above the top of the sleeping bag.

__

Up until the second or third year after her father had died, she hadn't liked getting changed in front of Noah, but they had become so used to each other that she no longer cared. (Sometimes, she hoped he would look.) Noah was the one who was weird about it now. That was strange in itself, since he had to be the one to source Elisabeth pads and even rags when she got her period at age twelve. She thought perhaps it was to do with Sic Mundus, a religious hangup, his unwavering faith in 'Adam,' who he swore would lead them to their paradise; but Noah was not really a god-fearing man. He believed in this 'Adam,' and by proxy, so did Elisabeth, but Adam was no god.

__

_It's just another year without them. Age isn't even real,_ Elisabeth signed snappily, pulling her jacket on. Noah visibly gave a sigh, his own breath emitting a cloud and mingling with Elisabeth's.

__

_I know,_ he signed back patiently, as he did every year. _But I have something I think you'll like._ His hands were moving feverishly, and Elisabeth could not help but feel a tug of a smile at his visible excitement.

__

Every year for the past seven years, he had somehow found a little gift for her. The first year, it had been a box of ripe strawberries, when he had not known her that well and thought scurvy was around the corner. The second, a pair of spotty, thick woollen socks he had traded some potatoes for at the co-op. The third, an impossibly intact copy of the play 'The Tempest,' and each following year had been a new book he had somehow found, varying from Inkheart to an English translation of Kafka's Metamorphosis. Last year, it had been a new, softer pillow. She felt excitement bubble within her chest, unbidden.

__

Noah held out his hand, and she grudgingly unzipped her sleeping bag, taking it tentatively. She treasured their short, fleeting touches, which had grown less awkward over the years. Elisabeth had long harboured a crush on Noah, hopefully with discretion, ever since he had written her that note when they'd met years ago (she had not told him she still kept it in her sleeping bag). She'd accepted the fact that she would only ever be a little girl to him, or even worse, a little sister, despite her ever-changing body and moods.

__

Nevertheless, sometimes a part of her still hoped. Hoped that his gentle, calloused fingers on her injured leg meant more than just first-aid. Hoped that their paradise mantra was more than just a repeated prayer. Hoped that he, too, longed for his ashy hair to grow out faster just so she could cut it again.

__

Noah led her through the misty, bitterly cold morning air to the opening of the cave, where the sun was just about to rise. The grass in front of the cave was damp, icy with frozen dew, but Noah had taken their picnic blanket outside to sit on for once. _Sit_ , he ordered, _and close your eyes._

__

Elisabeth shook her head, smiling slightly as she sat and closed her eyes. _How am I supposed to know when to open them?_ she signed, eyes squeezed shut. All was dark for a few moments. Then, a light tap on her shoulder.

__

Elisabeth opened her eyes, and Noah was sitting cross-legged in front of her as always, his usually cold, sharp eyes warm and open. In between them, about the size of a small plate, sat a misshapen and haphazardly decorated chocolate cake-loaf, adorned with a smattering of coloured lollies.

__

"Noah!" Elisabeth gasped, almost using her voice. She hated using her voice, for fear of judgement that she 'sounded deaf,' but she could not help herself but to whisper Noah's name. Her eyes pricked with tears. _How did you get this?_ she signed shakily, overwhelmed with emotion. _You didn't trade something too important? Or spend too much?_ It (almost) looked like the cakes her parents used to make her and her sister, when Franziska would steal the mixing spoon and give Elisabeth the bowl.

__

_The baker at the hub makes them_ , he signed back, and Elisabeth could've sworn he seemed somewhat bashful, out of character for Noah's calm, if not sometimes menacing, demeanour. This was all new from Noah; he surprised Elisabeth often with his many facets, some better than others, and this one exceeded any expectation. _I… decorated it, though,_ he added. He did not know the sign for decorated, so he instead used 'put things on.' Elisabeth felt herself laugh, too.

__

_I can tell_ , she joked. She threw her arms around his shoulders in a messy hug, almost kneeling on the dense loaf. _Thank you thank you thank you,_ she mouthed into his ear.

__

They had not hugged in a while, not really; the last time was when Elisabeth had discovered her mother's grey t-shirt when her and Noah had visited the dilapidated police station, and she had cried into it for hours as he gingerly held her. This time was different- they were both present, and happy, and Elisabeth was all too aware of Noah's hands reaching up to hold her upper back.

__

She felt his breath on her neck and relished the contact, the firmness of his muscles through his coat, the warmth of him, his heady scent of iron and rust and wood and dirt. She finally released him, tears on her cheeks. His eyes were downcast, and Elisabeth felt warmth pool in the pit of her stomach, a feeling she often tried to ignore.

__

_Thank you_ , she signed, _I can't thank you enough._

__

Noah's eyes flitted up to Elisabeth's beanie. _My pleasure, kleiner Fuchs_ , he told her. Little fox. _Alles Gute._.

__

They ate together, smiling in the cold morning light.

__


	2. questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About March, 2028.

_Does your family know you’re here? In this time?_

Elisabeth’s question came from nowhere, a humdrum conversation about the day’s hunting spoils taking a sharp turn. Noah hesitated, appraising Elisabeth over the pot of rabbit stew which bubbled on their fire. Her wide eyes were curious as ever, her blonde hair tangled from the demanding day. She grew taller every day, a child-woman of seventeen of surpassing loveliness. She grew ever more stubborn and persistent, too.

Noah thought that eight years and the copious reassurance from his older self would have been enough to dull the ache, to stifle the guilt and shame that question brought him. _Father, forgive me,_ he thought.

 _Sorry_ , Elisabeth signed quickly. She was the most inquisitive person Noah had ever met, and she always had a new question regarding anything from time-travel to maths to life in his time. She would barrage him with them every single day, and Noah could not avoid her prying eyes for long.

 _Don’t be sorry,_ he signed back, hoping his face remained impassive, despite the gruesome images staining his thoughts. Useless, really, as Elisabeth could usually tell when something was amiss, anyway. Noah signed slowly. _My family is dead_ , he signed.

 _I’m sorry_ , Elisabeth signed again. Then she frowned. _You once mentioned your sister, though. Agnes._

Noah winced internally, pondering his choice of words carefully. He got up from his cross legged position, rolling his wrists. _My sister… She does not have faith,_ Noah signed back, sharply. _She doesn’t believe in paradise. Not truly._ That’s what his older self had told him, what Adam would tell him one day, and he had no reason not to believe the words from his own mouth.

Elisabeth’s green eyes were dark in the firelight as she absorbed his words. _Franziska wouldn’t, either,_ she signed back. Noah begged to differ, but Elisabeth knew Franziska better than he ever did. Noah had told her that Adam knew Franziska was alive, safe in another time, but he felt it was better to not divulge that Noah himself knew where, or when, she was. _I still miss her, though. Don’t you ever miss your sister?_

The pot over the fire was steaming, and Noah’s face burnt under Elisabeth’s intense gaze. He busied himself with stirring the rabbit-and-potato stew, avoiding Elisabeth’s eyes until he couldn’t any more. He glanced back up at her, and nodded minutely. He did miss Agnes. But she was in Adam’s care, now, which was the best place for her. _Sometimes you remind me of her_ , Noah signed. _You’re smart and curious like her._

Elisabeth’s breath hitched almost imperceptibly, but Noah heard it even if she didn’t, and noticed the crease between her eyebrows. _Do you see me as a sister?_ she signed.

This question, again, gave Noah pause. He considered her for a moment, all pale skin and pale hair and gangly limbs, straddling the awkward line of adolescence and adulthood. How _did_ he see Elisabeth? All that his older self had told him was that he needed to protect her, for reasons he would eventually come to understand. She was capable of protecting herself, now, after Noah had taught her to use a gun and how to skin dead animals within three months of knowing one another. But no; he did not view her as a sister. She could be irritating like Agnes, and she was whip smart like his sister, too. But he felt no familial bond with Elisabeth Doppler. _No_ , he signed back, shaking his head. He hoped this wasn’t the wrong answer. _I used to feel like your mentor and protector, but now you are my friend_ , he signed.

Elisabeth brightened. _Good_ , she signed back. Noah raised his eyebrows, urging for an elaboration. _You’d be an annoying brother,_ she signed, shrugging, and Noah chuckled, the cave echoing around them. He gestured for Elisabeth to grab her bowl. He ladled a healthy helping of stew into her bowl, and she smiled brightly as he dropped an extra piece of rabbit in. The smile sent a flash of something deep and dark within Noah’s stomach, something he wasn’t quite comfortable with. He pushed that sensation down, and swallowed it whole.

They ate in comfortable silence, as they always did. Elisabeth wolfed hers down, then set her bowl down beside her, wiping her mouth. _Jonas was looking for you earlier when you were skinning the rabbit._

Noah nodded as he finished his food. _Will find him later,_ he tried to sign with his free hand. He had grudgingly grown fond of Jonas Kahnwald, as his older self had warned him he would. He will betray you, Noah reminded himself daily, but Jonas’ kind, sad eyes told a different story, and despite himself, Noah rather enjoyed the masculine company. They would talk about the passage, radiation, wormholes, and Bartosz. Noah's father had been Jonas’ best friend, once, and Noah had begun to understand why. Jonas also, perhaps more importantly, wanted the same thing as Noah and Elisabeth, what Adam promised. Freedom from suffering. Paradise.

 _Do you think you could stay here this evening?_ Elisabeth signed.

Noah cocked his head, bewildered. _Are you envious of my time with Jonas?_ he smirked. Elisabeth rolled her eyes.

 _No_ , she signed hastily, huffing. _I just have been so bored since you have started hanging out with him. Bring him here, if you want. I like Jonas, too._

Noah’s face softened. _Why didn’t you say you were bored?_ He stood, reaching his hand down to take Elisabeth’s bowl. Elisabeth shrugged again. Noah took her bowl, and began walking to the entry of the cave, where they kept a small, unattached kitchen sink that they had wrenched from the Doppler caravan. Elisabeth followed suit.

The evening light was grey and lifeless, as always. Noah washed the bowls and spoons in cold water, and Elisabeth took her place with the drying rag. This was another one of their rituals, which Elisabeth had actually taught Noah (you never helped your mum with the dishes?! She had been aghast, gesturing wildly.) Noah was not as familiar with the chore. In 1921 he had not had to clean many plates at all, if any. He had swept rooms and washed linen for Erna. He had actually found he liked the comforting, domestic nature of cleaning dishes, with Elisabeth drying the bowls silently beside him.

They finished cleaning, and Noah turned to Elisabeth. _I’ll stay,_ he signed, and she grinned. _But I need to help Jonas tomorrow, _ja?_ I can bring him back afterwards. We need to stay focused on the matter he and Claudia are working on. _ Elisabeth nodded, and Noah’s heart swelled at her eagerness. _Any games in mind?_ He signed. Elisabeth shook her head, and they walked side by side back to their bedrolls beside the fire.

 _I just want to talk_ , she signed. Noah looked at her, enquiring.

 _About?_ he urged.

 _Anything!_ She threw her hands up in exasperation. _We can take turn asking questions, like we used to._

Noah nodded, and they assumed their positions next to the warm orange fire, which was always a cosy, welcome contrast to the dreary, choking exterior of the cave. Noah’s hands were getting tired; he wanted to think less about the signs he was making if Elisabeth was in one of her talkative moods. He scrambled in his sleeping bag for his notepad and pen. Elisabeth took the cue and reached for hers. Noah knew she was in an interrogative mood already, so he gestured for her to go first. _Have at it._ Elisabeth puffed air through her nose. She scratched at her paper, chewing her lip, then turned it to Noah.

_Did your parents ever arrange a partner for you?_

Noah balked, his eyebrows rising in amusement. He shook his head, circling his hands for elaboration. "Why?"

Elisabeth pointed to her old Jane Austen book, then at Noah. “Ah,” said Noah. He had not been as wealthy as what Elisabeth seemed to think; girls, for him, were prostitutes who offered for him to join them in their quarters, or the wives of labourers who found him to be 'strapping.' In his earlier adolescence, had almost relinquished himself to one or two more comely ladies, but Adam's words would resonate through him, the disdain for desire extending its grasp in Noah's confused young brain and body. He scrawled on his own page. _Did yours?_

Elisabeth shook her head, chuckling silently. She wrote. _No, but I had a boyfriend when I was nine, and my mum liked him. His name was Yasin._

"Nine years old?" He mouthed, shocked. Surely that was too young, even by the standards of the 1900s.

Elisabeth nodded. _I thought I would grow up and marry him_ , she signed, shaking her head in embarrassment.

Noah’s stomach twisted slightly at that, for reasons beyond his comprehension. He would always be protective of Elisabeth, even if she could hold her own nowadays. It was integrated into his psyche, and their years together only strengthened it. He considered his response with care. _I thought I would grow up to be a miner, or a carpenter, or a pastor,_ he signed back.

After a few back and forth questions about childhood, Elisabeth gave up writing, and decided to sign again. She looked like she was holding back, before: _Do you ever feel like you are missing out on a real life?_ she signed. _A…_ her hands trembled as she moved them, _… a good life?_

Noah sat back, his eyes slowly moving from Elisabeth’s hands up to meet her eyes. Her jaw was set, and her eyes were… afraid. She is afraid of me, he realised, his heart sinking. Afraid of his reaction to her doubt. He could not blame her; she knew well what he was capable of, what atrocities and devastation he could conjure. But he could not have Elisabeth fearing him. Never Elisabeth.

But the question frightened him, too. Frightened him because sometimes, there would be an undulation in his core, a shift of dark energy occurring. Noah denied it was happening, fought it, but it would fester, a rotting of own stalwart faith in Adam’s paradise. Disgusted with himself, he would busy himself with enlightening Jonas, discussing the Hermetica and Sic Mundus and prima materia, the first material and its transmutation. In an instant, he could shake that inkling, that hint of tainting, decomposing doubt. It had been eight years, and he, Elisabeth and Jonas were still here. But Noah could not lose hope in the passage opening, and finding paradise. He would not; he could not.

At this moment, though, a hole in that area of rot. A chink in Noah, small enough for Elisabeth to sneak through, appeared. Adam's words bubbled under the surface of Noah's skin. _Man is a strange creature. All his actions are motivated by desire, his character forged by pain._ His pause was a fraction of a second too short to adhere to the mantra. Noah took a shaky breath, his eyes not leaving Elisabeth’s. _Well... I sometimes wonder what a normal life would be like,_ he signed, his hands shaking in an echo of hers. _If I wasn’t recruited by Sic Mundus. If I had not learned how to travel._ Disappointment in himself bloomed, but another part of Noah grew, intrusive and probing.

He was highly aware of Elisabeth’s laboured breaths, her mouth open, hanging on his every word. _What would you have wanted?_ she signed.

Noah’s tongue was heavy, and every atom seemed to vibrate around them. What would he have wanted? He had never entertained this thought for more than a fleeting moment. He didn’t know. Adam knew, though. _I suppose I would have wanted paradise in that life, too. No suffering. No pain._

 _But what else?_ Elisabeth pushed, her eyes wet and shimmering in the firelight.

A beat. You shouldn’t entertain her, a voice that sounded like Adam’s echoed in Noah's subconscious, profound, a distant rumble of thunder. You could, another voice whispered, just for analysis. He thought for a moment. _A farm,_ he signed without thinking, but all he could sign was ‘animal place.’

Elisabeth nodded vigorously, enraptured. _And?_ Her eyes seemed to urge.

 _A farm with dairy cows, and wheat_ , he continued, _a place for children to run around in. Laughter._

Elisabeth sighed dreamily, loudly, and the sound ignited something deep and primal within Noah, something that urged him to continue, just to hear that contented sound again. _Horses, with coats that gleam_ , he signed, _sheep with wool. Apple orchards._

A small mewling sound escaped Elisabeth’s throat, and Noah, despite himself, relished the sound. _That does sound like paradise_ , Elisabeth signed.

 _And you?_ Noah asked. _What do you think you would want?_

Elisabeth chewed her lip, deep in concentration. _A puppy called Caliban,_ she started. _High school classes, and formal. University. Maybe a job. I would’ve liked to be a doctor, or a teacher, or an actress._ Her signs slowed, and Noah sensed maybe that this conversation should stop, but it was too late. _For you to meet my mum and sister,_ she signed. Guilt shot through Noah at the thought of Franziska, and his trance wizened and shook and ultimately cracked, and he was in the cave again, present as he saw Elisabeth’s lip tremble. _A family._

And that was it. The spell had broken, and the flood burst, and no ark would keep her afloat.

Tears had spilled over Elisabeth’s cheeks, and she clasped a hand to her mouth, a heaving sob wracking her as sudden as an earthquake, and twice as violent.

“Oh, no, no,” exclaimed Noah, immediately at her side, all sense of guilt evaporating. He wrapped his arms carefully, as to not disturb her, around her, enveloping her taut frame completely as he had for the past six years, since she had allowed him to. “I know, I know,” he said as she hyperventilated, even though he knew she could not hear him. Noah understood better than anyone. After his mother had died, even the slightest thing could set him off. He had cried himself to sleep in his father’s arms for years, screaming ‘mama.’

Noah’s hand smoothed Elisabeth’s blonde hair from her sticky, red face. She heaved great, ugly cries, wringing her hands into Noah’s shirt, wordless begging, pleading for the pain to stop. How Noah wished that he could. He rubbed his hand over her back as she wept, her head in his lap. He spoke aloud. “Paradise is free of pain and suffering,” he said, pulling her head to his chest to feel the vibrations. “Everything we’ve ever done is forgotten there.” Her breathing began to deepen, slowing down. “All the dead, live.”

He rocked her gently, and they stayed in that position until they both fell into a restless, fitful sleep.


	3. home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still March/April ish, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF DEATH.

Jonas was filthy, and the light in his eyes was continually dimming. Greasy haired and lean, he spent the majority of his time in the derelict ruins of the Nuclear Plant, working tirelessly with Claudia Tiedemann to stabilise what they called the ‘God Particle.’ Jonas hardly ever rested, and when he did, any happiness he seemed to feel was fleeting. Sometimes, though, when he was with Noah and Elisabeth, he smiled one of his rare, dimpled smiles.

Noah hadn’t trusted Jonas completely at the start, citing that his future self had told Noah that Jonas would eventually betray him. Naturally, Noah had been initially, and quite overtly, suspicious of Jonas Kahnwald. His steely blue eyes had often grown even colder and warier when they met up with Jonas at the military tents, or for each of them to see the progress of the god particle or the cave’s passage during those first few years. Now, though, Elisabeth noticed that Noah would slink off to hang out with Jonas, to talk about whatever boys… young men… talked about.

Elisabeth spent the first year after the Apocalypse trying to convince Noah that Jonas was a good person, from what Franziska said of him, from what she knew of him, and that she could not picture Jonas being the type to betray him. Elisabeth had always liked Jonas, with his gentle smile and yellow raincoat. Now, he was almost unrecognisable from that soft-haired, freckled youth, but the sadness in his eyes had always been there, ever since the death of his father.

Elisabeth also liked that Jonas reminded her of her previous life, a simpler one with school and her sister’s lipstick and summer swims and Christmas carols.

Today, eight years after the Apocalypse, Noah, Elisabeth and Jonas had spent the day in the woods near the ruins of the power plant where Jonas had built a small, neat campsite. Elisabeth looked up from dusting sawdust from her hands, and saw that Noah and Jonas were chatting amiably, Noah leaning boyishly on an upright wooden A-Frame which they all three had assembled that day. Jonas, to Elisabeth’s astonishment, seemed to be almost laughing. The happy sight of the pair gave her a fluttering feeling in her chest, but she also wanted to be in on the joke.

Elisabeth was by Jonas’ fire, so she got up and approached them. They turned towards her, still smiling. _What’s so funny?_ Elisabeth signed quizzically.

Jonas smiled at Elisabeth, and Noah signed for her. _Jonas said we could rebuild the church,_ he signed, but Elisabeth was still lost. She cocked her head. _it isn't that funny_ , he added, giving a reassuring twinkle of his eye.

Elisabeth felt guilty at her pang of jealousy. It was like when she was little, and Franziska would talk without signing for Elisabeth. She knew it would happen eventually, and Elisabeth even had inside jokes with Jonas herself, when they would discuss, via notes, old Youtube videos from before or mention a funny thing Magnus Nielsen used to do with his hair, and she sensed Noah’s envy at not being able to understand.

She knew her jealousy was stupid, because her and Noah knew each other back to front and had a thousand times more inside jokes, but three could still sometimes be a crowd. Jonas waved his hand flippantly, as if to say ‘it’s nothing,’ to Elisabeth. He turned to Noah, asking for his note pad, and Noah obliged. Jonas scrawled something down, and showed it to Elisabeth.

_I hear you’re seventeen now, it said. Alles Gute for last month!_

Elisabeth nodded, smiling softly at Jonas. She sensed Noah’s eyes on her face, flicking between her and Jonas momentarily, and Elisabeth wondered if her sensed her childish jealousy. Noah said something to Jonas, who nodded. _I’m just going to piss,_ Noah signed, and Elisabeth gave a thumbs up. Noah ruffled her already tangled blonde hair and loped into the woods, and Elisabeth stuck her tongue out at him. She hated when he did that.

Jonas and Elisabeth went to sit by the fire, and Jonas scribbled in his notepad. _I’m surprised he likes me, now,_ it said. _He said it would happen, but I didn’t believe it._

Elisabeth nodded, pointing to herself. _I did that_ , she mouthed. Jonas’ greasy hair flopped into his eyes, and something reminiscent of his old, fresh-faced self returned to his eyes. He wrote something down.

_He would do anything for you, though,_ his note said.

A fierce blush crept up Elisabeth’s neck, and she shook her head, denying that. She wrote. _He only protects me because he was told to._

Jonas looked like he was about to say something. He frowned, and he looked like he was remembering something, but then shook his head. Elisabeth, embarrassed, decided to change the subject. She wrote. _Do you like living out here in the woods?_

The smile in response was amused as he shook his head. _No._ He wrote something down. _Do you like living in a cave?_

Elisabeth pondered the question carefully. It was dirty in the cave, and dark, and damp. It had been their home for all these years… but did she like it? The rocks in her back through her bedroll and the constant dripping noise? She liked it because she was with Noah, but…she slowly shook her head, scratching at her paper. _It’s fine_ , she wrote, _but we are there in case the passage opens, and we don’t miss it._ She pointed to the direction Noah had run off in. _Noah says it will open, and we will find paradise._

Paradise. The words shaped Jonas’ lips, and he paled, his eyes suddenly far away. Elisabeth frowned, waving her hand. Jonas blinked, and began writing a response. _It must be uncomfortable in there,_ was all he wrote. Elisabeth was about to ask what was wrong, when over his shoulder she saw Noah appear from behind a tree, as he always did for some reason. He was a true hunter, sometimes, and even Jonas said the silence with which Noah approached was unnerving. Elisabeth could sense when Noah was nearby, though, like a sonar.

Jonas started slightly as Noah sat down next to him on his log. They sat and conversed for a while longer, before Jonas said he wanted to find Claudia, which was the cue for Noah and Elisabeth to head back to the cave for the evening.

The walk through the barren forest was a short one and it wasn’t completely dark yet, but Noah had brought the torch anyway. When they reached the entrance of the cave, Elisabeth paused outside, her brow furrowed in thought. It was a cold night.

Noah turned to her, making the hand signal for ‘what’s wrong?’ It really meant ‘what’s up’ but Noah still wasn’t used to all the modern turns of phrase she used.

Elisabeth swallowed. _My grandpa’s cabin in the other side of the woods…_ she paused. _Do you think it’d be better to in sleep there than in here?_

Noah frowned. _People already live there_ , he signed, _and we wouldn’t want to miss the passage opening._

_Those people might have abandoned it._

Noah’s shoulders lifted as he sighed. _I doubt it,_ he signed, beginning to walk into the cave, but Elisabeth moved to block him, planting her feet firmly. Noah gave her a bemused once-over, and that just spurred Elisabeth on.

She grabbed a rock at her feet, jagged and grey. _We sleep on these! It’s cold here! And dark!_ Elisabeth pushed, as Noah crossed his arms, hearing her out. _Even Jonas’ camp is warmer than ours. And that cabin belongs to my family. We OWN it._

Elisabeth’s eyes searched Noah’s, imploring, and Noah’s handsome face took on an expression that Elisabeth didn’t recognise just yet, his mouth falling open slightly, a sharp intake of breath. He slowly raised his hands.

 _Do you want to live there… alone?_ He signed, slowly.

She met his eyes, saw his slightly down-turned mouth. He was scared, Elisabeth realised. Scared that she had outgrown him. Elisabeth felt her stomach twist, hurt that he would even consider the thought. _No, of course not,_ she signed back. _But if you didn’t want to come with me, that would be your choice_.

Noah nodded carefully, eyes narrowing slightly. _You don’t even know if the cabin is occupied or not,_ he signed.

 _Then we can go and look,_ Elisabeth signed, frustrated. Noah pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly tired from their day of building, and not in the mood for one of Elisabeth’s attitudes.

 _Tomorrow,_ he signed.

Elisabeth harrumphed. _I will go look now, I don’t care if you come or not. _She pushed past Noah and began jogging in the direction of the cabin, leaving him at the cave, dumbfounded.__

____

She moved quickly, swift as the little fox that she was, too quickly for Noah to keep up. If he was following her, calling her name, she obviously couldn’t tell.

____

Elisabeth loved to run. She was fast, and lithe, and relished the sense of her breath and heartbeat speeding up, her cheeks flushing. The forest was beginning to grow back after the Apocalypse, and in the darkening evening light, she could make out the silhouettes of the beginning of tiny leaves.

____

She ran for a while, taking what had been her route to school once, the forest road. It was dark when she eventually came to a stop, hiding behind a tree about fifty metres from the small, wooden shack where she had sometimes spent summers with her family, sharing a room with Franziska.

____

The cabin was wooden and ramshackle, even more so than it had been before the Apocalypse, and Elisabeth’s stomach wobbled with hope and anxiety when she saw no lights or movement in the front window. She stepped cautiously out from behind the tree, staying low as she approached the front door. All was still, until it wasn’t.

____

Elisabeth jolted in shock and spun around when a strong hand gently rested on her shoulder. She initially felt the urge to gasp in terror, a ball of dread building in her stomach as she recalled the man in the caravan all those years ago, but she immediately recognised Noah’s hand’s pressure and the rust-and-iron scent of his gloves; whenever he touched her, he was always gentle, as she had recounted to him in scarce detail what had happened that day she had crawled, bloody and terrified, into the cave. He tried his best to never trigger the post-traumatic stress, but sometimes he did, accidentally, and he was devastated when he did.

____

Noah had followed her. Elisabeth’s eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and she could make out his sharp features. Noah’s face was extremely close to hers, and a hot, unfamiliar sensation bloomed in Elisabeth’s belly.

____

His hand, gentle on her shoulder, released, and he mouthed ‘sorry,’ before he gave a ‘what was that?’ gesture with his hands, annoyed with the fact she had run off. _Don’t do that!_ He signed fiercely.

____

_I wanted to see!_ Elisabeth mouthed back, irritated. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. _I’m not a little girl anymore!_

____

_I know you’re not! It’s clear you’re not_ , signed Noah. Elisabeth felt a bubble of glee in her chest at the words, but the glee turned to irritation when Noah shook his head disapprovingly at her. Elisabeth was about to protest, but her own irritation at him was soon forgotten as he gestured for them to circle the cabin. She nodded in agreement.

____

They circled from either side, reconvening at the front door from their respective directions. Noah looked through the window, and the dim moonlight showed nothing, but he didn’t turn his torch on. He looked to Elisabeth, and nodded, putting a finger to his lips. He stood with his back to the wooden exterior, and Elisabeth slowly turned the door handle, and was shocked to find it open.

____

The stench hit them immediately, and Elisabeth dry-retched, Noah covering his nose with his sleeve. Elisabeth knew that smell; it was the same smell her dad and the man who had killed him had emitted when she had, overwhelmed and grief-stricken, run back to the caravan a week or so after the incident, and cried as Noah pried her away from her father’s rotting chest.

____

Noah turned on the torch, now, and shone it inside. Elisabeth pulled jacket up to cover her mouth and nose, eyes watering, and Noah echoed the action, swallowing hard as they entered.

____

The cabin was more of a wooden tent, the interior wide and open in one singular, large room, no walls and no doors. Cans and boxes lined the slatted walls, her grandfather’s fridge, now blackened and charred, wedged into the back corner. Elisabeth avoided looking at the reeking epicentre of the room, where a mattress lay, holding stiff figures which loomed in her peripheral vision.

__Noah suddenly moved very quickly, flicking his torch off and blocking the view from Elisabeth. _Don’t look_ , he signed quickly, _don’t look._ His signs were urgent, and his hands were shaking. Elisabeth looked at him, puzzled. His face was pale, his eyes woeful._ _

____

Elisabeth frowned; Noah wasn’t usually so squeamish. _I’ve killed someone, remember,_ she signed, _I can handle it. We should move them if we are going to live here._ She went to move, and Noah grabbed her by the shoulders roughly, and Elisabeth knew he was yelling her name trying to keep her in place, but to no avail.

____

Her eyes fell on the mattress in the centre of the room, and Elisabeth froze. The dim moonlight through the window lit the recently dead corpses of two people, a man and a woman, encircling one another. The woman’s legs were dark and sticky with blood, and surrounding her, there were towels stained in browning blood. The man, however, was clean, and Elisabeth’s stomach turned when her eyes fell on the tiny figure nestled between them.

____

Bile rose in Elisabeth’s throat, and her knees went weak as she blindly stumbled outside to vomit voluminously onto the porch. Noah was right. She had not been prepared for this, and she regretted having been so stubborn and coming in the first place.

____

Elisabeth’s mouth was sour with the taste of vomit. She felt cool, calloused hands on either side of her face, pulling blonde hair from her mouth. Her blurry eyes focused on Noah’s as he brushed the hair from her forehead. I’m sorry, his eyes said, I tried.

____

She was immediately pulled into a fierce embrace, her face pressed against Noah’s chest. The rhythmic, vibrating hum from his chest was just enough to bring her back, the racing of his heart just enough to temporarily eradicate the devastating image they had both just witnessed.

____

After a few minutes, Noah drew her face upwards to face his. He nodded, a question. _Do you want me to do it?_

____

Elisabeth shook her head. _Not alone._

____

Noah helped her to her feet, and silently, with no tears, they re-entered the cabin together.

____


	4. Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best. Enjoy. x

Noah was fascinated with the idea of electricity.

Ever since he and Elisabeth had found remnants of a huge, wide-screened apparatus a few years back in the ruins of an old house, (a TV, Elisabeth explained,) he had gone out of his way to find others similar. Technology in general fascinated Noah, and he often found himself entranced by the industrial and technical advancements of the twenty-first century. He and Elisabeth would trawl abandoned cars and refrigerators (another new favourite of Noah's), and he would pull them apart and examine their interior workings, taking parts back to the cabin to integrate into their new home.

He and Jonas would sometimes dabble in odd little experiments when Jonas wasn't busy with Claudia, one of them sitting the other down in a chair, then attaching metal to their chest and trying to get electricity to flow from one wire through copper coils and into whatever dark matter Jonas was studying that day. Jonas would tell Noah about contraptions called Nintendo and remote controls and treadmills and Switches, and Noah would interpret for hours as Elisabeth and Jonas discussed and explained things called Netflix and Youtube and memes, and he would listen in fascination, coolly masking his envy. He'd had nothing like that in the 1900s.

It had been about a month since Noah and Elisabeth had moved into the cabin. They'd let the cabin air out for a few days, camping in the bunker for a few nights with Jonas, who they offered to let sleep there (he half obliged, alternating nights between his camp and the bunker) reminiscing the night of the apocalypse in there with Regina and Claudia and Peter.

Noah and Elisabeth had a fair amount of possessions they had needed to move from the cave to the cabin, and had slowly been shuttling their cans of food, their water, their protective clothing, their sink, and their bedding over from the cave.

Noah was extremely hesitant about the move, and anxious that they would miss the passage opening, going so far as to considering sleeping in the cave by himself. He told Elisabeth it was the warmth of the cabin that eventually won him over. But truly, and she knew it as well as he did, Noah didn't want to leave Elisabeth, but it wasn't his duty to protect her that kept him by her side. Noah's chest had tightened when he imagined life without her incessant questions or her loud snoring or her petulant harrumphs or the smooth movement of her lithe frame as she hunted or the way her eyes would occasionally trail to the tattoo on his back as he changed his shirt.

But, obviously, he didn't tell her any of those things.

Now, Noah stared up at the rafters of the cabin, exhausted from a day with Jonas and an old microwave. He looked across to Elisabeth, who was now reading on her bedroll across the cabin, not too far from him. She was on her stomach, eyes moving quickly under the light of her torch which she had propped up behind her.

Elisabeth curled her top lip when she read, and Noah smiled as he watched her. After all they had been through, parts of her still were so pure, so genuine, so good. It made Noah long for paradise even more, a place where he would know for sure that they would be safe. He felt a writhing sensation in his gut when he realised that he could never be as good, as sincere a person as Elisabeth Doppler, with her bull-headedness and her fox beanie and a love for strawberries. How could he be? He had committed patricide, and not in the name of self-defence.

The book she was reading was a new one they had found at the military tent trading hub, a tome called '11/22/63.' A memory of his previous life floated into Noah's mind. Elisabeth sensed his eyes, and looked up at him. _What?_ She signed.

"I used to stay up reading by candlelight," he signed and talked at the same time. "Hours after my papa had told me to sleep. Sometimes I stole his paraffin lantern."

Elisabeth raised her brows, smiling, eyes bright with curiosity. She rolled up to sit crossed-legged and face him. _What would you do when the candle blew out? Or the kerosene burnt out?_

Noah made a mime of himself closing a book and crossing his arms, huffing. Elisabeth grinned. "I would've liked to have one of those." Noah pointed to her torch. She flicked it on and off in response.

 _I would've liked to see the early 1900s_ , signed Elisabeth, after setting the torch back down. _Before nuclear power and global warming and factories. Your apple trees and farms and carts and dust._

Noah smiled as he shrugged. _I find the technology here fascinating,_ he admitted, _even if human advancement is what caused the rapture._

 _Maybe when the passage opens, before we go to paradise, we could visit your time._ Elisabeth looked away wistfully. _Maybe... you and me could stop this from happening, somehow, by stopping technology._

Noah tensed, his jaw tightening. He pulled himself up to mimic her sitting position, trying not to seem condescending. _I've told you before, this is what Sic Mundus_ '… he paused… _our goal is_ , he signed. _We are doing our part here._

He sensed Elisabeth's frustration swell. _It doesn't feel like we are doing anything,_ she scowled. _And if we do end up being able to control time, getting rid of time, why are you here in my time? Why are we here right now? Still here?_

Noah groaned, massaging his temples before signing. _"_ We need to have faith, Elli-"

_But why do Jonas and Claudia not have faith in the passage, too?_ _They HATE Adam!_

"Claudia can't..."

_Claudia can't what? How do we know what she can't do? How do we know-_

**"STOP!** " Noah roared, leaping to his feet. He couldn't hear this, not from her, not from Elisabeth, his sole purpose for being in Adam's care in the first place, the reason he had left his life behind. Not when he had killed his father when he'd exhibited signs of losing faith.

Why _are_ we still here, though? The words echoed inside his head. The seed had been planted, and Noah tried, desperately, to uproot it, step on it, destroy it. "Argh!" he yelled. " _ELLI!_ ". Elisabeth shrunk into herself slightly, reading his lips, his taut neck, the hands in his matted hair. Noah looked away from her, inhaling, exhaling, inhaling again.

 _I'm sorry,_ he signed after he calmed himself. Elisabeth's face was stony. "I'm sorry, Elli." He cooled off and lowered himself to her level again. "I know it seems like what we are doing is useless, but Adam will keep his promise. He will! You have to trust me!" he punctuated the last sign by taking her hands in his.

Elisabeth kept her hands listless in her lap for a moment, staring Noah down, and he felt his insides wither as she pulled her hands away to sign again. Now, it was her turn to stand, and stand she did.

The little girl that would have nodded contentedly and obliged was nowhere to be seen. Noah was afraid. Noah was in awe.

 _I don't have to trust anyone._ Her hands and mouth moved rapidly, angrily, as she maintained eye contact with Noah. _I am my own person, I know you don't always see that, but I am. I can make my own choices and you can too._

Noah was shocked. _Choices?_ he mouthed. _I make my own choices._

 _Do you? Well, was it worth it? Coming here. Knowing how much it would cost. Leaving Erna, your home, horses, Hanno Tauber and Agnes and apple trees and a farm,_ her breathing was heavy. _giving up the thought of having children, a family, a wife._ Her lip trembled, that little girl making a fleeting reappearance, but her hands and her lips kept moving, ferocious. _Are you okay with having blood on your hands for control of time? For Adam? For me?_

 _For me._ Noah looked up at her face, her eyes wet, and for the first time since he had killed his father, tears, mortifying, sprung into his own eyes. _Only when we’ve freed ourselves of emotion can we be truly free. Only when you’re willing to sacrifice what you hold dearest._ Adam's voice growled in his ear, dull. 

Elisabeth took a deep breath. She wasn't finished. _I want paradise as much as you do, and I will always believe it exists_. Her signs slowed. _But sometimes I wonder if you gave up everything for nothing._ Her hands fell to her sides, and tears streaked her cheeks.

Noah was speechless, and he felt a stupid, useless tear threaten to drop from his bottom eyelid. _The pain is his vessel, desire his compass. It is all that man is capable of._ Adam whispered again, and this time, Noah ignored him. This is what Elisabeth feared? That he would resent her? He stood to meet her height. "Is..." he stepped closer to her. "Is that what worries you?" his hands trembled and he whispered. Elisabeth avoided his eyes, suddenly very young again. "Look at me," he said, moving his face into her line of vision.

 _I feel.._. she signed, lips quivering. _I feel guilty that you gave a nice life up for a world of scheisse_ , she finished signing, dejected.

Her eyes were red rimmed, haunted, and Noah, foolishly, could not help but be startled by her beauty. He shook his head desperately, whether it was in response to Elisabeth's statement or to rid the irrelevant acknowledgement of her attractiveness, he didn't know. He searched for the words, words that would reassure her that that was the furthest thing he felt.

"Elisabeth," he said aloud, tasting her name. He signed. _I said when we met at the Kahnwald house, and I will say it again. I want to protect you. And I will._ Elisabeth kept her eyes downcast, on his hands. _No one forced me to be here. Not Adam, not Sic Mundus. I chose to be here, and I will continue to choose to be here until we are in paradise. Do you understand?_

Elisabeth nodded half-heartedly, breathing raggedly. She still did not seem convinced.

Unbidden, unplanned, a string of words came from Noah's psyche.

_It is always worth keeping you safe, Elisabeth. ._


	5. desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still May, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was my fave to write so far, idek why! Give me your thoughts <3

Elisabeth got dressed in her sleeping bag, as always. It rustled as she wrestled on her heavy, radiation-repellent trousers. Her mother's pocket watch dug into her back, and as she wriggled her hair caught on her bra fastening. She hissed through her teeth.

The bra, one of three she owned, was a bit tight on her now. She'd gotten it when she was fourteen, and she'd had numerous growth spurts since then. She'd been given some even older bras when she had first gotten her period, five years ago now. She had just about died of shame as she had to show Noah the spot of blood in her underwear. Noah had been on the cusp of manhood, and was mercifully calm and methodical despite his discomfort. Elisabeth was forever grateful for his no-nonsense approach, even though he himself had no idea what to do. Uneducated on the topic, he had marched her to the military tents where she had to explain to a gruff sergeant, shamefaced and through Noah, what was happening.

Noah's words from their recent argument entered her mind. _It is always worth keeping you safe_. She clutched those words to her chest, tucked them away for safekeeping.

A lot had changed since that mortifying ordeal. Noah knew what feminine hygiene was, Elisabeth was used to her irregular cycle, Jonas had laughed for what might have been the first time since the apocalypse when they had relayed it to him six years later. Claudia had smiled that strange, lopsided smile, awkward and un-maternal, but offered to give Elisabeth 'a woman's advice' if she ever needed it. Elisabeth politely accepted, even though she didn't think Claudia Tiedemann really knew how to talk to teenagers, let alone give advice to them.

Elisabeth needed some bras that weren't falling apart, though, and ones that fit her more feminine body. A funny little memory flashed through her mind, of her and a childhood friend, Sibel, stealing Franziska's lacy bras off the washing line and putting them over their shirts, preening and strutting around until Franziska found them and slapped Elisabeth's cheek, swearing until she was red in the face.

The grey morning light shone through the front window, and was enough for Elisabeth to make out Noah's form by the ragged curtains. His hair had grown, almost reaching Jonas' length, and as Elisabeth's eyes adjusted, she realised he was only half dressed. She often accidentally caught a glimpse of Noah's bare skin as he washed, and his tattoo, but not in such a complete view. _Maybe I will just take a peek_ , she thought, _just for Sic Mundus' sake_. She ought to know what it really looked like, didn't she?

She knew the tattoo was a rendition of something called the Emerald Tablet, or Tabula Smaragdina; she had learnt when she first saw Noah washing, and curiosity had gotten the best of her, as she begged him to tell her what it was of because she couldn't guess. He explained it was where the phrase 'Sic Mundus Creatus Est' came from, and that followers of Adam got them to show their devotion to Sic Mundus. It contained words of the Hermetica, a text alleged to contain the secret of the prima materia, the first matter of the universe.

Elisabeth had never gotten a proper look at it, though, and a thrill rushed over her when she observed him now. Ink covered his entire back, a jagged triangle shape, like a tombstone inscribed with a thousand words she couldn't make out.

The tattoo itself was impressive, but Elisabeth's eyes were drawn to the muscle and sinew that rippled beneath it, strong and hardened from labour. Noah's silhouette was intimidating, lean and tapered from years of moving rocks from the passageway, from hunts, his skin scattered with raised scars and muscle striation. A flash of heat rushed to her core. He was lethal, dangerous, predatory. And he was _beautiful._

He was also eating, she realised, as she saw his sharp jaw move up and down. A small pocketknife in his hands, he sliced an apple, and Elisabeth puffed a chuckle through her nose, giving her viewership away.

Noah turned, and Elisabeth quickly looked away, embarrassed to have almost been caught gawking. Noah put the apple and knife on the windowsill and made a 'what's so funny?' gesture, and Elisabeth forced herself not to let her eyes wander. The inkling of that silly adolescent crush reared its ugly head, but she batted it away.

 _Only movie villains eat apples like that_ , Elisabeth signed matter-of-factly from her sleeping bag.

Noah smirked _. I did it first, then, since I have never seen a movie_ , he signed, pulling his grey t-shirt over his head in one swift, smooth motion, then returning to his apple. Elisabeth was relieved, hoping Noah wouldn't sense anything amiss. Elisabeth jumped when half an apple flew into her lap, and she looked up at Noah, smiling in thanks.

They donned their heavy coats and gloves, pulling their scarves to cover their mouths. It was a habit she picked up from Noah, who preferred hiding his identity, as well as claiming it protected their lungs. They hoisted their duffel bags onto their backs, and Noah gave a thumbs up, to which Elisabeth nodded in confirmation. They headed down the forest road to the Winden centre.

They had a lot to do today, as they had almost run out of water and were running low on non-perishables, and hunting was not bringing in nearly enough. Elisabeth decided she would sneak off to trade a full bottle of cottonseed oil she found in the ruins of the school kitchens for some new underwear while Noah was busy.

It was raining as usual, and Elisabeth remembered taking the same road and jumping in the puddles, when she met another, older Noah; she had asked her Noah early on if he knew why his older self had given Elisabeth her mother's watch to give to her mother, and if he knew where he had gotten it. Noah hadn't known, because he said the watch was given to him by his older self too. They had discussed that at length, trying to parse out who could have given it to whom, but they became too confused when they tried to plot it out and agreed to just leave the subject.

They reached the dire, grey military tents, the security measures as tight as they had always been. No one trusted Noah in the village of tarpaulins, which had grown extensively since the start of this post-apocalyptic world.

The people viewed Noah as an outsider, not a Winden local. They labelled him a stray, untrustworthy, with his wolfish face and cold eyes. The guards did, however, trust Elisabeth, and grudgingly permitted them entry when they approached, their eyes warily following Noah's every move.

Elisabeth tried to understand. She knew what Noah's hands had done. She had seen the light disappear from his eyes as he had broken the arm of a man who, in 2023, had held Noah at knifepoint for their water. Before that, had seen him take Jonas in a choke hold when Jonas had suggested paradise didn't exist. Elisabeth had been furious at Noah, because she knew Jonas had a huge, painful scar around his neck. She never dared ask how he got it; his dad had hanged himself, so she left it as an assumption.

But still, the question remained; how could Elisabeth ever really judge Noah, when she had bludgeoned a man to death until his face was pulp? 

Winden didn't know Noah. They didn't see that his hands, while deadly, were capable of speaking a language, or fashioning axes from scrap wood, or sewing her beanie and teaching her and Jonas how to do it, or softly dressing wounds on Elisabeth's bloody hands after they heaved rocks from the passage.

Amongst the community of wet tents and shacks and caravans, where people sold handmade or found items and traded goods and visited pictures of their deceased, Noah turned to Elisabeth.

 _Water,_ he signed, _and food_. He made the food sign, and Elisabeth nodded. She patted the coins and oil in her pocket. Usually Noah would go to the eastward part of the hub to get the water, and Elisabeth would go the opposite direction to get the food; they would reconvene at the makeshift pharmacy, which was a tent that was the most heavily guarded, even more than the food stores. They gave each other a thumbs up and they parted ways.

It was busier than usual today, and since the apocalypse, thievery and violence was rife. Elisabeth always felt slightly on edge amongst the tents, the grey figures of people in coats and masks, but she knew that there were good people amongst the bad. Elisabeth, after what felt like more than an hour, reached the food stall. There was a queue, as there always was, and Elisabeth took her spot behind the dozen or so others. When she finally reached the front of the queue, she held up prepared notepad for the seller. _4 Potatoes, 3 onions, 4kg rice, 3 tins corned beef, 4 apples, 8 carrots._ Elisabeth passed over her and Noah's gold coins to the seller, who nodded graciously, gathering the supplies.

The majority of the storekeepers knew Elisabeth couldn't speak, so they often avoided much interaction. Once the food was all together, Elisabeth stuffed it into her duffel bag, and remembered what else she needed.

She wove her way through the tents until she found the clothing co-op, the woman in charge unfamiliar. Elisabeth read her lips. What do you need? Elisabeth pulled out her prepared notepad. Underwear and bras that can be traded for this, it read simply. She pulled the full bottle of cottonseed oil from her pocket. The woman nodded, turning and rifling through the piles of clothes behind her. She turned back, trying to mime for Elisabeth 'what size?' and Elisabeth came up short. She gave an 'I don't know' signal, and the woman, to Elisabeth's horror, whipped out a tape measure.

Elisabeth left with four items, three beige and plain, the other blue with a little bow. They'd do the job. She smiled in thanks to the lady, and pulled her raincoat's hood back over her damp hair.

As she trod through the rain-drenched tents back to the designated meeting point, she wondered vaguely if Noah had ever seen a girl's underwear, or whatever they wore underneath their clothes in his time. Her stomach twisted at the thought. It was possible.

She would never truly be rid of the guilt of taking away that potential life from him. _Always worth keeping you safe. Paradise is free of pain and suffering._

Noah was waiting for her when she reached the pharmacy tent, their three small water tanks by his feet. He smiled when he saw her, and they gave each other their signature thumbs up. They were ready to head back.

\----------------------------------

Jonas was coming out of the bunker when they got back to the cabin, and Elisabeth and Noah walked up to greet him. Elisabeth watched as the boys exchanged words, trying to pick up as much from their lips as possible. _Claudia. Gone. Bunker. Machine._ Noah nodded, and interpreted for Elisabeth. _Claudia is gone again. Jonas thought she might be in the bunker._ He omitted whatever the machine part was, but Elisabeth didn't care too much. She went inside and opened her heavy pack, unpacking the food and underwear from within.

Jonas joined them in the cabin for once, helping sort supplies and adding some water, oats and a squirrel carcass to share with them. It was evening before they had finally finished counting and storing every single morsel of food, item of clothing and litre of water. They splayed out on the cabin floor with their torches and some cooked rice and corned beef between them, Jonas cross legged, Elisabeth on her stomach, Noah on his back.

Elisabeth felt a strange sense of… contentment. Jonas rolled his eyes as Noah said something, deadpan, about Claudia, and for a moment, Elisabeth could pretend that she was just a normal teenage girl, with normal chores and normal bras in a normal world, having a sleepover with two normal, non-time-travelling young men.

Her query from before re-entered Elisabeth's mind, and she thought maybe Jonas would be a good vessel to start this conversation. She caught Jonas' attention by waving her hand. He gave her a 'go on?' nod.

She pulled her notepad out. _Did you like my sister?_

Noah and Jonas glanced at each other, and Noah chewed on a piece of beef as he said something about 'curious,' and 'interrogation.' Jonas nodded at Elisabeth, considering his answer. _Fransizka was_ …, he mouthed, pausing. Is, Elisabeth frowned, if Adam could be trusted to be telling the truth. Noah had said Adam said Franziska was alive, lost somewhere in time. It made Elisabeth's heart ache that she could not reach her. Jonas asked Noah for his notepad, and wrote. _She was a good dancer._

Elisabeth rolled her eyes, ' _yeah, yeah_ ,' eliciting a chuckle from Jonas. Noah rolled into a sitting position, watching Elisabeth's hands.

_Did you ever…_ _**like** _ _her?_

Jonas flushed, suddenly younger than his twenty-four years, and Elisabeth clasped her hands together with glee at the unusual reaction. Jonas scribbled. _She was pretty, but I never liked her like that. She's Magnus' girlfriend. Bartosz thought she was 'scharf,' though._

Elisabeth was delighted at that response, but she saw Noah's face screw up in discomfort at Bartosz' name. She wondered if he had met him.

' _Scharf?'_ Noah's mouth repeated, and Elisabeth made the sign for 'beautiful.' Noah nodded, thoughtful, but Jonas shook his head in disagreement.

 _It's more like sexy_ , she saw him explain to Noah. Noah laughed, understanding now, and Elisabeth wondered when he had learned the word sexy, or if they even used it in his time. The thought of Noah saying sexy made her grin.

 _You liked Martha though, didn't you?_ Elisabeth wrote for Jonas. When Elisabeth was younger, she had wanted to grow up to be like Martha Nielsen. Martha was smart, and popular, and a talented actress. Eisabeth hadn't like her brother Mikkel, though, but she still felt bad he went missing. Magnus was cool, though.

A flash of a long-dormant emotion passed over Jonas' features, and Elisabeth immediately regretted bringing it up. _Deaf and dumb_ , she scolded herself. _Sorry,_ she mouthed, but Jonas shook his head, _it's okay_. He nodded, blue eyes far away, and Elisabeth realised; Jonas _loved_ Martha.

Elisabeth smiled sadly. Jonas deflected and asked Noah something, and Noah frowned, shaking his head. He jerked his head towards Elisabeth. Elisabeth's heart quickened, until she realised it was because Noah didn't want to say something in front of Elisabeth.

Jonas looked at Noah, raising an eyebrow. _Did you ever like any Victorian girls?_ Elisabeth caught most of what he asked, not really wanting to see his answer, but curiosity pushing her to look at Noah. She simply had to know. After a few moments of denial, Noah relented, smirking sheepishly.

 _One or two_ , he spoke and signed, a crease forming between his brows. Elisabeth cocked her head, and Noah explained. _I focused on Sic Mundus. Adam says to be free of pain, to find peace, one must be liberated from emotion and desire. That to be strong, we must separate ourselves from our eternal servitude to our feelings._

Elisabeth recalled strawberries and books and a chocolate cake, Noah clutching her as she howled in grief, Noah standing between her and the dead family, Noah holding her hair as she vomited, Noah with tears in his eyes as she unloaded her sense of guilt, the glimpse of pain when Noah had thought Elisabeth wanted to live alone, the half apple dropping into her lap. _Liar,_ she thought. _Liar._

She nodded, wishing she had never brought up the subject. She looked to Jonas, whose eyes pierced Noah's, and Elisabeth watched as the boys… the men… just stared at one another.

Jonas' face was inscrutable as he absorbed Noah's words, not breaking eye contact. He finally spoke, and Elisabeth caught every word.

 _People are peculiar,_ he said, and Elisabeth got a vague sense of deja-vu. _Pain is their ship, and desire is their compass._


	6. Raid pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is brought to you by Hozier's 'In the Wood's somewhere."  
> This chapter was hard, like so hard, to write. Fuck action. Be gentle, but I'd love some constructive criticism.

Noah had woken early, and bleak grey light peered through the trees as he sloughed dirty dish water over three coats he had laid out on the ground. He didn't need much sleep, and found himself alert for most of the night, anyway. The smoggy air was still, and Elisabeth and Jonas had gone to the hub to fetch some new heavy-duty gloves and Noah agreed he would stay back to clean the coats.

He felt a droplet on the centre of his head. It was starting to rain. The rainwater was not safe to drink until filtered, but he decided to put the tanks out to catch some to boil and collect the filtrate later.

As Noah moved the tanks, a sound. Distant, beneath the pervasive hum of radiation; It was barely audible, but definite. His ears pricked, and Noah immediately dropped the tank he was holding. He strained to listen.

The persistent, underlying nuclear drone was broken again by a loud crack, and Noah blanched. He recognised the sound of gunshots, and he knew instantly what that meant. The hub was being raided again.

Noah had experienced the first raid with Jonas, back in 2021, before they were friends. Both boys had come away with wounds; gashes, bruises, some even caused by each other. Elisabeth had remained in the cave, unaware of what was going on, until Noah had returned, hair matted with dried blood. He'd calmly asked for her to pour alcohol on his shoulder. The boys had experienced multiple raids which had occurred since that first year. Elisabeth had not. 

" _Scheise_." Noah picked up his wet coat, and he ran.

\----

His head pounded in time with the rhythmic thump of his feet.

_Find her. Find her. Find her._

His chest burnt as he ran, gasping in toxic air as he arrived to a familiar and woeful scene. People swarmed from the military tents, slipping in the rain, seeking refuge. The downpour was too loud on Noah's hood for him to hear anything, masking everything except for the occasional pop as a round of bullets were fired, and his own breathing. Noah crouched as he moved, and pulled his scarf over his mouth and nose to cover his face. He crept up behind a line of old _Polizei_ containment vans, kneeling behind one parked on the outskirts of the militant zone.

He watched as masked figures, alone or in pairs, fled the hub like wet, frightened grey birds; his eyes fell on a group of armed guards, circling the south side of the hub erratically; flicked past a pair of women who clutched one another, sobbing; a man's face, marred by radiation. Noah's mouth was dry as his head whipped from person to person, searching desperately for Jonas and Elisabeth. A wooden crate was near Noah's feet, and he got on top of it, peering over the roof of the van. From his vantage point, Noah could see that the bollards defending the hub were unguarded.

Another round of bullets, somewhere amongst the sea of tents, was fired. Noah ensured his own gun was in his coat. Heart in his mouth, he acted on impulse, and sauntered up to the open bollards. He slid past the gates, against the rush of intermittently escaping survivors.

"Wrong way _, Dummkopf_ ," someone grunted, as Noah pushed past them roughly. Other voices warned him to turn back, 'they're shooting,' but he ignored them, running on pure adrenaline. Now, there was no Adam, no Sic Mundus, no strangers. The only inner voice he heeded, today, was his own.

He sprinted to the nearest empty military tent by the entrance to the hub, which was usually used for guards to shelter from the rain. Praying it was empty, he got on his stomach, face-down in the mud, and slid under the grey flap of the tent. His eyes were blinded from the contaminated rain, and he tasted dirt.

Noah opened his eyes to darkness, and realised, once his vision adjusted, that he wasn't alone.

Three grey-coated figures huddled in the opposite corner of the empty tent, eyes bulging as Noah slid under the side, slick with mud and water. Noah fingered the outline of the gun in his pocket, and looked between them; they were two men and a teenage girl, paralysed in fear as they stared at him. They were harmless.

Noah gave them a once over through his muddy eyelashes, ensuring there were only three. He raised his hands in a gesture of solidarity, pulling his scarf down to reveal his face, and the men looked at one another, recognising him; distrusting him.

Noah did not care. They were inconsequential. The girl quietly whimpered in fear. Noah put a finger to his lips, shaking his head. _Hush._

He crawled through the darkness to peer under the other side of the tent, and the gunshots were getting louder, more frequent. He lifted the grey flap, just enough for his eyes to peek out, and he could see guards he recognised restraining a heavy-set man with a beard, wrestling him into the mud.

Noah could make out at least a dozen metal-clad raiders, other Apocalypse survivors who presumably had neither money nor objects to trade. They were in grips with guards, or shooting, or ransacking the food store tent and the pharmacy tent. Noah stifled a gasp as a vender was shot in the back of the head, collapsing in a heap only 20 metres from Noah's face. He tried to steady his breathing. _Find Elisabeth._ _Stay calm._ He was no good to her panicking.

Noah strained to look upwards, scanning the tents across from his, until finally, his eyes fell on a grey figure, perfectly camouflaged, backed up against the side of the tent diagonal from him. He would have missed it if he had not seen the flash of a blue scarf beneath a hood.

It was Jonas, filthy and bedraggled as a wet rat. And he was looking directly down at Noah, stunned.

Noah's eyes flicked to either side of Jonas. Elisabeth was not with him. Cold dread seeped into his bones. _Where is Elisabeth?_ He mouthed, and Jonas, ashen, gave an 'I don't know' sign.

 _Nein. Nein._ Noah's fists clenched, and he bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood. Jaw set, his eyes burnt into Jonas'. _Don't do it._ With a determined glance to his right, Noah saw the backs of the raiders turn, and he looked back to Jonas, who shook his head. _Don't._

Noah took the opportunity. He slid out from under the tent flap, army crawling through the sludge over to where Jonas was hiding. Jonas looked down at Noah as he reached him, shaking his head in disbelief. "She went to get rope," Jonas spat, barely loud enough to be heard over the heavy rain. "They came before we could meet up again."

Noah rolled up to his feet, flattening himself beside Jonas. He yanked Jonas' forearm, digging his nails into his coat, reaching skin. "Pray she is not hurt," he hissed into Jonas' ear, "...or, Adam be damned, I won't cut you down the next time."

"Good." Jonas balled his fist into the nape of Noah's hood, holding his glare. "Noah. She will be _fine_ ," Jonas hissed back, then pulled away. "She's old en..." Jonas trailed off as leant his head out to spy on the raiders. "…Fuck," he said, under his breath.

Noah's heart sank. "What is it?" he whispered. When Jonas said nothing, face wan, he pushed Jonas aside, looking for himself.

About 100 metres from Noah and Jonas, a row of about twenty or thirty people were lined up on their knees in the mire. Three raiders, armed to the teeth, were roughly frisking men, women, teens, children. The rain was too heavy for them to hear anything being said, so all they could do was watch as one woman refused to hand over her knife, and Noah was as tense and as coiled as a snare. They watched as the other raiders bagged weapons and water and food, but the tension of the situation of the non-complicit woman was rising as others began to yell, kick out feet, spit in faces. Noah's eyes scanned the line of people, not seeing Elisabeth. She wasn't there.

"She's not there." A hot concoction of molten rage and terror swelled in Noah's stomach, and his grip on Jonas' forearm tightened like a vice. " _Jonas_ , she's not..."

The air reverberated as a round of bullets were fired, and two non-complicit shopkeepers were executed in front of their eyes. Jonas and Noah grabbed each other in shock, Noah's ears ringing, bile, hot and bitter, rising in his throat. Every gunshot was another chance of… _no_.

Utter chaos broke out. The kneeling line of Winden locals fragmented, survivors fleeing in all directions to escape the firing line. They fled into the woods with empty hands, into the labyrinth of tents, hid under car skeletons. "We have to go!" Jonas yelled, yanking Noah from their hiding place.

"Not until I've found her!" Was Jonas an idiot? Did he not _understand_? "I am NOT leaving without her!"

" _Noah_!" A tug on Noah's arm, pleading. "She's probably already escaped!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW!" Noah roared, twisting Jonas' grasping arm back on him. Jonas grunted in pain.

Jonas wriggled against Noah's grip. "The gates! Noah, listen!" Jonas yelled, "If you're hurt, who will protect her?" The words were a blow to Noah's gut. "We _NEED TO GO_!"

"I…" he was desperate, "I…"

Noah's heartbeat roared in his ears as Jonas thumped his shoulder, the push he needed. They ran.

\--

The exit of the hub was overrun, with wounded people scattered on the wet ground, raiders pillaging in all directions, supply boxes upturned. Everything moved so slowly to Noah; he was not in his own body as his legs carried him. He did not feel his feet, his hands. His skin was not cold. He did not hear his thoughts. Nothing seemed tangible, not the acidic rain, not the dead, not Jonas panting beside him. Nothing felt real.

But Elisabeth Doppler was real.

And she was _alive._

Noah's eyes fell on a small, blonde figure limping towards the gates, and he recognised those orange boots immediately. Life sped up again, and he felt a gasping exhalation escape him, an hour of tension and shallow breaths evaporating. He could have cried with relief. "Elli," he panted, only for himself. "Elli!"

He jerked Jonas' arm. "Elisabeth!" he yelled over the rain, pointing. She was staggering for the road, the same direction from which they came. She was moving in a way so unnatural that Noah's world shifted again, and Jonas was forgotten.

_She's hurt._

His relief turned to horror as he spied her gloves, darkened and sticky with blood. Rational thought no longer applied. He abandoned Jonas' side without so much as a backwards glance. "ELISABETH!" Noah bellowed, forgetting that was useless, helpless. With a surge of courage, he sprinted up behind her. His eyes burnt, from rain or tears, he didn't know, but what he did know was that she was alive, _she was alive_. He reached her and grabbed her arm, uncaring if he shocked her in his haste. Elisabeth spun around, terrified, until she realised it was Noah. Confusion, anger, and relief flooded her face.

Their mutual relief was short lived as she collapsed limply into him, her leg giving out. Noah caught her as if he had been doing it his entire life, looping her arm around his shoulders. It was her thigh that was hurt, he realised, but he didn't know to what extent.

Nothing else mattered now. Not Sic Mundus, not the plan, not Jonas, fuck it all. Nothing mattered except getting her to the cabin and stopping the bleeding.

They continued powering forwards, enveloped, and Noah could see in her eyes that she was more afraid than Noah had seen since the first time he found her in the cave. "I've got you," he pulled her arm tighter around his shoulders. "I've got you."


	7. Raid pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same day as part 1. June, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the wonderful feedback yesterday! Here we gooo... getting to the good stuff....

They had propped her up against a tree by the cabin, on hers and Noah's picnic blanket. The wound had been mercifully shallow, perforating her wet khakis and the top layers of skin. It was a graze, really, and there wasn't even a bullet… but she had bled all over Noah's gloves as he had used both hands and his scarf to apply pressure on the wound. _It doesn't even hurt_ , she had signed, not wanting to seem like the weak little sister again. And it hadn't hurt, really- Elisabeth was numb, and didn't want to be a hassle. They had ignored her, rushing for a tourniquet and alcohol.

 _Noah had found her._ Elisabeth's simultaneous shock, anger and relief at seeing Noah at the raid had been palpable. He had been filthy, soaking, and had all but dragged her back to the cabin, and Elisabeth had raised her hands feebly in protest as Noah had stripped her legs, and trembled like a leaf when she saw crimson blood and flesh ooze over her bare, white skin. It didn't look like her own. Jonas had appeared moments later, and they'd flown into action, Noah wrapping a tourniquet around her thigh and maintaining pressure on the damaged flesh while Jonas gathered supplies to treat her injury.

Noah had given Elisabeth a piece of sodden firewood to bite on while Jonas prepared to clean the wound, as if he had been preparing his whole life to treat bullet wounds. Elisabeth had been in too much shock to feel anything at all; that was, until, Jonas had poured freezing cold water onto her thigh, and the wood snapped in half.

Now, _agony._ Searing, burning agony. Sweat and rain beaded on Elisabeth's forehead. The bleeding had slowed, and Elisabeth kept her eyes on Noah's, who breathed in time with her, making sure she didn't look at the bullet's graze. He snapped something at Jonas, and Elisabeth weakly pawed his leg _, stop yelling at him_. Noah was more concerned than she had ever seen him, as he struggled to keep her awake and lucid. She just wanted to go to sleep; she was so tired, and it hurt, but Noah kept telling her that she couldn't.

She tapped his leg, eyelids fluttering. She moved her hand up beside her head, circling her ear. _Tell me about paradise_.

Her signs were weak, but Noah understood her instantly. He nodded. Elisabeth shuddered as Jonas, impossibly steady despite his soaking, slippery fingers, dug out the last few pieces of burnt fabric and metal from her thigh. Noah lifted his hands, which were peeling with congealing blood, and Elisabeth noted, drowsily, that they were shaking as much as her own.

 _Paradise is free of pain and suffering,_ signed Noah, as another surge of intense, burning heat shot up Elisabeth's thigh. She clasped Noah's knee, gasping and digging her nails in, and her eyes filled with hot tears. Noah flinched, and squeezed her hand tightly, a lifeline. Jonas gave Elisabeth an apologetic glance.

Noah continued half-signing with his free hand. _Everything that has happened to us, everything we've done is forgotten there_. _The passage will open, and all this,_ _any of it_ , _will never have happened._

Elisabeth smiled feebly, but the pain returned. She winced, and lifted her hands to sign again, drained of energy. She was tired of being strong. _I want mum_ , she signed weakly to Noah, mouth doing most of the work, _and dad, and Franziska_. Her mum would have known what to do; she was the strongest person in the world. She would kiss her forehead and tell her that it was okay to cry. _Will they be in paradise?_

Noah nodded sagely. _They will._

After a little while, the rain had stopped. Jonas looked up from the wound, saying something to Elisabeth. Elisabeth looked to Noah for a translation. _You aren't going to die_ , he assured her, and she could sense his relief. _He's gotten all the pieces of flesh, material and the casing out,_ Noah signed. Elisabeth weakened at the word flesh. _Now it is about taking care of it_. _Making sure there is no infection_ , Noah grimaced, and Jonas did too. _Which means alcohol._

Elisabeth remembered how it felt to put medical-grade alcohol on her cuts after moving the rocks in the cave. This would be a hundred times worse, but she knew it would be for the best. _Just do it_ , she flapped her hand. Jonas turned and rubbed alcohol on a clean piece of cloth, then back to Noah. Courage left her, and she signed urgently.

 _Tell me about the apple orchards and horses and laughing children._ Jonas moved closer in her periphery. _Tell me about Adam._ Jonas pressed down on the bullet graze. _Tell me about…._

Elisabeth's vision left her as she screamed in silent anguish.

\---

Evening fell, the ominous sky darkening, and Elisabeth was exhausted. Her thigh throbbed, and she writhed in pain with each slight movement. After Jonas had finished disinfecting the wound, Noah had gently wound a clean bandage around the bubbling laceration. He and Jonas took turns winding them around her thigh, checking the wound each time as they unravelled it, making sure it didn't stick and pull the perforated tissue.

On the fifth bandage of the day, Elisabeth could still feel blood, fluid and dying flesh continuing to ooze out. She was thirsty, her throat dry, as she wasn't allowed to drink much; Noah monitored each sip from his flask with hawkish intensity.

It was getting cooler as night snuck up on them, and Elisabeth trembled, watching through bleary eyes while Jonas and Noah spoke heatedly. Both their faces were spattered with rain, mud and dried blood, and Elisabeth wondered vaguely how she looked right now, if she was ghoulish and pale or if she was as bloody and grimy as the boys. She was shivering, even though the rain had stopped and Noah had wrapped his coat around her shoulders earlier.

Noah nodded once, firmly, at Jonas, and Jonas patted Elisabeth on the shoulder, giving a thumbs up. _You've done well._ Elisabeth gave a tired smile, and Jonas stood up, pulling his jacket on. Elisabeth looked to Noah, confused.

 _He's going to get codeine from Claudia's camp,_ Noah signed reassuringly, _and I'm going to try and move you inside. Is that alright?_ He gave the okay symbol, and Elisabeth's stomach dropped; it hurt to twitch, let alone move. She nodded, knowing it was best to be in the warm. _Keep your leg straight when I move this arm underneath it_. He wiggled his right hand. _I will be very careful not to move you too much, I promise_. She nodded, bracing herself.

Noah lifting her arm around his neck. Deftly and carefully, he slid his arms beneath her knees, ensuring he supported the injured leg. Despite her pain, Elisabeth still felt her pulse quicken as his strong arms enveloped her. He smelt of rain and mud. Noah's arms were promptly forgotten as he lifted her, and her leg was moved. White spots covered her vision, and she inhaled sharply, squirming in Noah's arms. She tightened her grip on him, fingers scrunching his coat.

He carried her swiftly through the doorframe of the cabin, her head against his chest. He gently lay her down on her bedroll, and Elisabeth noticed he was talking to her, only making out a few words from his lips, _bandage, compress, infection_. He rolled up his coat and placed it under her pillow for elevation. She watched him hazily as he fussed, finding water for her, blankets. He eventually knelt by her side. _Jonas will be back soon, but do you mind if…?_ He gestured if he could check her bandage.

Elisabeth paused for a fraction of a second, then nodded, pushing away the sense of self-consciousness as he got into position to examine the thin skin of her thigh. _Stupid thing to care about_ , she scolded herself wearily, but with Jonas AND Noah, it had been less embarrassing, and more urgent. All she was wearing was her underwear on her lower half, and her soaked-through bandage. Noah gave the signal for 'change,' and Elisabeth nodded, raising her behind off the floor slightly, wincing. Her body tensed as Noah carefully unwound the soggy compress, his rough fingers brushing the soft skin of her inner thigh. Elisabeth fought a shiver, unsure if it was from the pain or from the sensation of an untouched part of her body receiving contact.

Elisabeth watched Noah as he helped her move her leg. His mouth was a straight line, set in concentration, each movement carefully planned as to not cause pain. _Gentle_ , Elisabeth thought, watching his blue eyes flicker with each precise tug. She always relished his touches, a naïve, girlish reaction she could not help. The light pressure of his hands when they rested on her back as she cried over her family, how sometimes, thrillingly, they would accidentally brush hers in the cave as they moved the same rock. How he could be both so gentle, and so deadly. But then again, so could Elisabeth.

She didn't realise she was moving her mouth as he worked, and Noah looked up, distracted, accidentally pulling the bandage. A stab of pain stole Elisabeth's breath from her lungs, and Noah's face was instantly distressed, and she knew he would be apologising profusely. He grabbed her hand with his free one, squeezing hard.

Elisabeth watched, in awe, as Noah brought their hands up to his mouth, unthinking, and brushed his lips slightly over her knuckles. He kept it there, breathing into it. He closed his eyes, and Elisabeth just looked at him, breathed him in, and she wished, so desperately, that she could take a virtual snapshot of this moment as a keepsake. Noah, Elisabeth knew, with all his technological curiosity, would have loved cameras.

She admired his strong brow, his high cheekbones, his unwashed blonde hair, crusted with mud. A rush of affection and appreciation for everything Noah did, everything Noah was, flooded her. Gratefulness, protectiveness, fondness.

_Safety._

Elisabeth realised, with a sinking feeling to her stomach, that everything Noah was, was paradise.


	8. Pretty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> July, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one I absolutely loved to write. SO MUCH confusion. You guys are also such wonderful readers and your comments are my fave! Keeps me going as well as these two wonderful characters <3 Much love!

"Why Martha?"

Noah's question was nonchalant. Jonas peered up at Noah through his visor, stopping the fuel cipher. His eyes narrowed suspiciously, and he returned to pumping the petrol from a charred tank. Noah was leaning against a dead tree trunk, arms crossed in his protective gear. Jonas shook his head to himself. "What has Elisabeth been telling you…" he muttered, and Noah smirked.

Noah was always curious as to why Jonas was so set on stabilising the God Particle, why he was so intent on destroying Adam, destroying himself. Jonas cited it was solely his father, and wanting to stop the endless cycle, but Noah knew more than he let on. On the day of the apocalypse, Noah had delivered the letter from Martha Nielsen addressed to Jonas; not this Jonas, though. An older Jonas. A desperate Jonas. Save them. Franziska, Magnus, Bartosz. 

They were working by the power plant today, and Elisabeth, whose leg had healed well enough for her to walk, was out hunting for the first time since she was injured. Noah had been hesitant about leaving her alone at all during the three weeks after the raid, and vowed he would never let Jonas be the one to accompany her to the hub ever again once it rebuilt, but Elisabeth had cut him down with her determination this morning. _You can't always be there to defend me_ , she had signed furiously, and Noah had signed back _. It's my job to protect you_ , he had been shouting while signing, but Elisabeth shook her head _. I will always appreciate your care and help, Noah_ , she'd signed, _but it isn't your job anymore_. And she had stubbornly limped out the door.

The words had shaken Noah, but he realised that the tighter he clung to her, the more she would distance herself. So he took a step back, and tried to distract himself with Jonas and the particle and experiments. They slaved away in the strange grey mist, stopping to talk every now and again. Noah continued pressing Jonas.

"Well, you are doing this for Martha as well, aren't you?" Noah asked, lifting his visor. "To save her." Jonas stopped ciphering again, and stood. He lifted his own visor, the muscle in his jaw twitching. _I've touched a nerve_ , Noah thought. He didn't care. He was curious.

"I would ask you how you knew, but everyone knows everything in this stupid place," Jonas leaned against the tree opposite Noah. "Yes. I am doing this for her. Happy?"

That didn't satisfy Noah. "My question was why, though. Elisabeth said she was beautiful, but is beauty enough to destroy a plan greater than ourselves for?" He thought of the way his father had barely talked about Noah and Agnes' mother, Silja. "What makes this girl so special?"

Jonas laughed hardly at that. "A few years ago, I'd have told you that I didn't expect you to understand," he said tightly. "What makes Elisabeth so special?"

Noah frowned. What was Jonas suggesting? "Elisabeth is not just... some girl." Noah realised how that sounded, but what he meant was that she was a vital piece for Sic Mundus.

"And neither is Martha," Jonas' blue eyes were icy. He squatted to pick up a piece of scrap metal he had dropped. "I think travelling from 1921 to 2020 to protect a little girl for no reason other than a time-travel cult leader told you to is weirder than what I'm doing," he said. He liked to pretend he would never become Adam.

"It's not like that," Noah spat back, ignoring those murky, vile memories of helping Elisabeth wash for the past three weeks, her body taut, skin softer than any silk. His lips on her hand as he changed her bandage, her breathing as he touched her. "I came here for Elisabeth because it's my duty, yes. But it's also because I want to see her safe."

"Why, though?" Jonas mimicked Noah's low tone, snorting. "And if I heard correctly when I came to the cabin this morning, she doesn't want protecting. And if a future I saw tells me anything about her, she doesn't need it. Believe me."

 _A future._ Noah straightened, fists balling at his sides. "A future?" He took a step towards Jonas. "You saw a future with Elisabeth?"

Jonas' face was inscrutable, and irked Noah, who was afraid to hear any more. "Not a future any of us want," Jonas said flatly, "and it won't happen, because I will stop it. And then, we will be free."

Noah remembered a phrase of Adam's. "We aren't free in what we do," he said simply, recalling Adam's words. His older self's words. Jonas smiled, nodding.

"…because we're not free in what we want, we can't overcome what's deep within us. Yeah, I've heard it before," he continued Noah's sentence, then a flicker of something crossed his face, unfamiliar to Noah. "Noah," he said softly, lowering his voice, as if he was about to say something clandestine. "It's okay…" Jonas leant in to whisper in Noah's ear, the way Noah had once done to him to whisper, 'travellers." "… it's okay to want, you know." Noah held Jonas' gaze sharply, and Jonas smiled. "To want Elisabeth."

Noah's stomach dropped. Those dark thoughts that found him in his sleep, those wanton shapes and virile visions, swirling in the depths of his consciousness… did Jonas see them? Disgusted, panicked, Noah shook his head. "I said, it's not like that. Don't be an idiot." He raised Elisabeth; such thoughts were reprehensible, and a vast deviation of anything Sic Mundus preached. He was there solely to protect Elisabeth, and to engage in such vulgar fantasies was sinful, and off the path beaten for Noah. Vile ideas, was all they were; he would not touch them.

"She isn't a little girl anymore. She's pretty, and if she has a body like her sisters… wow," said Jonas, whistling lightly, riling him. "You must think about it, a gentleman like you, no one to…"

"Enough." Noah seized Jonas by the collar of his protective suit, pulling him closer. "Don't presume you know my thoughts," He growled. " _I raised her_ , Jonas."

Jonas lifted his hands in surrender, leaning until he was nose to nose with Noah. "Then don't assume you know anything about Martha." He pushed Noah away, and flipped his visor back down. "I'm sorry, okay? I was just teasing. I shouldn't have said that about Elisabeth, that was disrespectful. Come on, help me lift this."

Noah huffed, grudgingly helping Jonas lift the fuel tank. He shook the thoughts away, focusing on the work.

\-----

Noah's walk back to the cabin was one of frustration and turmoil. _Jonas thinks he knows how the world works when truly, he knows nothing_. Noah knew who Jonas was before Jonas knew who Jonas was. He had no right to pluck at Noah's strings, even in jest. _Vile ideas,_ he repeated in his mind, for Jonas or for himself he did not know.

Elisabeth was at the cabin when he returned, facing away from him as she lay out dead birds on the patio. Noah got a strange sense of deja-vu, but it passed quickly. Her coat hood was pulled back, her blonde hair catching the light and shining.

Noah's mood immediately lifted at seeing her there, safe and preoccupied. He picked up a pine-cone and threw it gently near her. It came to a stop beside her, a signal he was there, and she turned, eyes brightening. Then she forced herself to look grumpy, making a point. Noah laughed.

 _Glad to see you're in a better mood,_ he signed and Elisabeth rolled her eyes, giving in to a smile. _I'm sorry about earlier_. He steeled himself. _I should trust you more._

 _Told you I would be okay_ , she signed back. _Thanks, though_. She gestured to the row of dead birds. _Shot some, found others._

 _Good work_ , Noah signed, nodding in approval. _Thank you. How's the leg? Did you check it as soon as you got back?_

 _I changed the bandage_. Noah gave her a thumbs up with one hand.

_Pain?_

Elisabeth shrugged. _Still sore as hell. How's Jonas?_

_Irritating as hell._

Elisabeth raised an eyebrow, urging Noah on. He didn't want to get into this uncomfortable line of thought again. _He just thinks he's funny. Kept making comments._

She circled her hand. _About…?_

"Just things," he flipped his hands dismissively, but he knew Elisabeth well enough to know that he should have just kept his mouth, or hands, shut. He gestured to the birds to help pluck a few to cook, and Elisabeth nodded. They gathered the cleanest few and got plucking. Noah was glad for the subject to be dropped, and for their hands to be busy.

Once the fire was lit and they'd put the birds on to roast, Elisabeth pushed again. _What comments did he make?_

Here we go, Noah thought. She wouldn't give up now, he knew, until he gave her something. "He only said some things that I didn't like. About people," he signed and spoke.

Elisabeth made a face. _About who, though?_

"People I care about."

 _Agnes? Or Sic Mundus? Adam?_ Noah shook his head, and Elisabeth paused. _Did he say something about me?_

Noah caught her eyes momentarily, then looked back to the fire and nodded minutely. Elisabeth's forehead creased in concern. _Does Jonas not like me?_

"No no no!" Noah signed quickly, _he just said things about you being pretty and me being protective and it just made me angry. Jonas likes you a lot._

Elisabeth beamed. _He said I'm pretty?_ She signed, and envy, heinous and intrusive, writhed in Noah's stomach. Noah nodded again. _Why did that make you angry?_

Her eyes were wide and imploring. The question stumped Noah. Why _did_ it make him so angry? He did not want to mention the more odious connotations of Jonas' words, lest they spark even more uncomfortable questions for a young man of devotion and creed. He looked at her, caught out _. It was the way he made it sound_ , he signed back, carefully. He did not want Elisabeth to view him differently, and he would do anything to prevent that.

Elisabeth nodded slowly, then signed. _Do_ _ **you**_ _think I'm pretty?_

Oh, god. Noah thought he was prepared to protect Elisabeth in all scenarios; he was not prepared for this. But he couldn't deny that Elisabeth Doppler had grown from a pretty little girl to a striking young woman, with thick blonde hair and endearing crooked teeth and large green eyes.

 _Of course_ , Noah signed slowly, walls up. _You're very pretty._

Elisabeth's white cheeks grew rosy, and her eyes shone in the firelight. _Do you think I'm beautiful?_

This was dangerous territory, and Noah did not know what to say that would not elicit a response he could not handle. He could ignore her. He could turn and go inside, but he was weak. Weak, he scolded himself. Adam would be disgusted. Sic Mundus would be disappointed.

But he was not free when his hands signed, _yes_.


	9. Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> August, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was a religious experience

"… _where we are tortured and remain forever._ _  
__Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed_ _  
__In one place, for where we are is hell,_ _  
__And where hell is must we ever be._ _  
__And, to conclude, when all the world dissolves,_ __  
_And every creature shall be purified,_ _  
__All places shall be hell that is not heaven."_

'The Tragical History of Dr Faustus' had been an older find of Elisabeth's, in the trunk of an old Audi she and Noah had scoured in 2025. She had initially avoided reading it, focusing on the books Noah had given to her for past birthdays.

Elisabeth had long abandoned her misgivings against reading for pleasure after the Apocalypse; she had spent the first five years reading whatever she could about science, physics, energy, be it on the backs of empty fire extinguishers, in torn textbooks, or in the ruins of the power plant. Claudia had written down notes for her over the years, and even a suspicious Noah had found himself fascinated when Elisabeth would splay the notes on the cave floor and study them. Elisabeth's penchant for science eventually grew to a complacence, and she gave in to the books Noah found for her.

Pleasure from books she actually enjoyed was one special, normal thing that Elisabeth could never lose. Her and Franziska's love of reading was from their dad, who didn't mind being a bit 'geeky.' So long as books kept being found, Elisabeth would read. Since the raid and her leg being hurt, she had been reading a lot more of whatever they had found over the past eight years. Dr Faustus turned out to be a lot more relevant than she had thought.

" _Was this the face that launched a thousand ships, and burnt the topless towers of Ilium?"_

The phrase caught her eye, and a warmth blossomed in Elisabeth's belly when she remembered. _Noah thinks I'm beautiful._ She could not help but feel giddy; how could she not be, when Noah himself was beauty incarnate?

She doubted Noah thought she was a Helen of Troy, or that he would launch a thousand ships for her, but a girl could dream. And Elisabeth dreamt a lot. What else could she do, but dream? Reading and dreaming and bleeding, that's my life now, she mused. She saw Fransizka's words in her head at that; _remember_ _you are more than what a silly boy sees you as_ , she had told Elisabeth once, when Yasin had told her she had a nice hat. She was grateful for her sister's words; they grounded her when she found herself smoothing her hair or puffing her chest around Noah.

It was nice that Noah called her beautiful, though. Very nice.

She closed Dr Faustus, having had enough of his tragedy for the night. Noah had agreed to tell her more about Sic Mundus later in the evening, with writing and even diagrams. Elisabeth was a little bit too eager. He was out washing clothes, even though it was too dark for them to dry. Elisabeth had told him as much, but he had gone anyway. They could be very similar, sometimes.

The cabin door swung open and Noah came in, hair wet. The torchlight cast shadows in the deep hollows around his eyes, and the sight ought to have frightened Elisabeth, but she could only smile, the sustained fluttering in her stomach growing easier to ignore over time. He was in his old clothes, his clothes from 1921, his suspenders and loose cornflour-blue shirt. He didn't wear them often, but Elisabeth liked them a lot more than she was willing to admit. She wondered what she would look like in that shirt.

 _Done your bandage?_ He signed, closing the door behind him. Elisabeth gave him a thumbs up.

 _Ready?_ She signed, impatient.

He lifted his hands, 'hold on!' He pulled his shoes off and grabbed some water. Elisabeth watched him fondly as he scrounged around for his notepad, hair flopping into his eyes.

Noah eventually came to sit cross-legged on Elisabeth's bedroll, carefully avoiding her straightened leg, which she could only just bend the slightest bit. He opened his notepad, and Elisabeth was thrown. Thousands of words, inscribed in small, neat handwriting, covered many pages. Each page was dotted with small shaded drawings of symbols, symbols she knew to be the triquetra and the Emerald Tablet.

Elisabeth's eyes widened. _You didn't have to do all that!_ she signed, shocked, as he gave her the notepad. Noah shrugged, humble.

 _I wanted to_ , he signed back. _Let's read through them, and if you have questions, I'll try to answer them._ He sounded so scholarly Elisabeth stifled a silent chuckle. She turned her eyes down to read the immaculate notation, awestruck. She scanned the first page.

' _ **Paradise. It is that which we long for; no pain, no suffering. To control time is to control life itself, and all sorrow life brings. Pain defines who we are but it no longer holds power over us.**_

 _ **Sic Mundus' greater purpose is to elevate humanity by controlling time travel, to re-arrange events and escape this pre-determined cycle of suffering. It is this way that we will reach paradise**_ _._ '

Elisabeth knew most of this already, but she admired his line about pain not defining who they were. She felt Noah's eyes searching her face as she read, his fingers tented, fervent and eager. She flicked to the next page, and admired his diagrams of the Sic Mundus emblem and a small, labelled emerald tablet.

' _ **Triquetra: the caves closed time loops (33 years apart)- past affecting the future and the future influencing the past,' it read.**_ < Her eyes flicked to the rendering of the Emerald Tablet. _**'Tabula Smaragdina- contains the secret of the prima materia and its transmutation. Where the words 'Sic Mundus Creatus Est' were first recorded.'**_

 _You have such neat handwriting_ , she signed, following the words with her finger, and she smiled as he denied it. _Neater than mine._

I _learnt at the church, when I was younger_ , he signed. His eyes grew wistful. _Agnes wasn't allowed, so I taught her as much as I could. Similar to how I tried to teach you, but you already knew everything._

The thought of Noah teaching his little sister to write in secret gave Elisabeth an indescribable sense of admiration. _Did the Emerald Tablet come before the Triquetra?_ She asked, circling the triquetra symbol. It was pretty.

 _They are both ancient symbols,_ Noah signed. _I believe the Triquetra came first. The Emerald Tablet is the doctrine. It's inscribed with Latin Hermetic text._ Noah's hands moved feverishly, his eyes dark with excitement.

 _Is that what these little squiggles are meant to be?_ Elisabeth smiled, pointing to his little drawing. Noah nodded, flushing.

 _I could only fit a few words._ He went to flip to the next page. Then, Elisabeth had an idea. She squared her shoulders, steeling herself.

 _I'd like to read it myself,_ she signed tentatively, looking up at Noah purposefully. A bubble of nerves sat her in throat. _I ought to read it fully_ , she justified it to herself, but her heart was pounding. Elisabeth was devout. She needed to learn, didn't she? _It's like Claudia's science notes, really_ , she thought.

Noah contemplated it for a moment. Oblivious _. I could try to write it out for you by memory. My memory is not as good as…_

She had a sudden surge of courage. _No_ , Elisabeth signed, pointing to her back. _Can I read yours?_

Noah blinked at her in the torchlight, comprehending. _You mean…?_ He pointed to his own back. Elisabeth bobbed her head, and Noah's eyes widened slightly. Oh. She hoped she hadn't made him uncomfortable. Maybe this was a strange idea, and Noah would reject it, and never want to talk to her again. She fumbled her hands, tongue-tied.

_It's okay if you…_

_No_ , Noah signed hastily, reassuring. Elisabeth held her breath. Then, after a hesitation, Noah nodded. _I don't mind. I think… that's a good idea._

Oh. 

Elisabeth had not expected this. Now, she was unsure.

Suddenly, Elisabeth felt very, very nervous, and very, very young. Which was stupid, since she had seen Noah change a hundred times, and he had seen her change just as many. But never _up close._ She could taste her heart in her mouth.

Elisabeth looked awkwardly at her hands as Noah's lifted to slowly slide his suspenders off, one shoulder at a time, and Elisabeth's stomach irrepressibly quivered at the motion. His dirty hands moved to unbutton his old shirt, and she could see out of the corner of her eye that his own hands were shaking. He's nervous, too, she realised, blood rushing to her cheeks. It was probably his old-fashioned upbringing.

He undid the top few buttons of his shirt, and Elisabeth caught a glimpse of his hard chest. A flash of heat ran through her, a primal sensation which was still very new and quite confronting. She foolishly caught his eyes, and Noah brought a fist to his mouth, coughing inelegantly, as he turned to face away from her. Elisabeth snapped her head away, waiting until he was done.

After a moment, she looked back to him, and was left breathless at the view of his back, tapered and lean, an ornate tapestry of ink and scars. Enthralled, she moved closer to him, picking up her torch to analyse further. Her nerves were forgotten as she inspected the taut, wiry canvas that was Noah.

His back rose and sunk with each breath, the muscle and sinew twitching beneath the skin as she examined it. The immense, intricate tattoo took up the entirety of his back, Latin words and shaded skin undulating as he breathed. Elisabeth was so close she could feel the heat of him, smell his metallic, smoky scent, see the thrum of his heart.

Elisabeth's eyes were drawn to his scapula, and she swore he could have been chiselled from marble, or an ancient volcano, or granite, or gold. She trailed her eyes down to the words near a scar on his spine, words that she did not understand, yet intrigued her. _Pater eius est Sol, mater eius est Luna. Portavit illud ventus in ventre suo. Nutrix eius terra est._

She had never seen a man's back, not since her father's, and she was engrossed in the shape of him, the ripples and swells of muscle and spine and ribcage. Awestruck, her hand rose to touch the words at her fingertips, her finger making contact with hot skin. Noah's body flinched in reaction, and Elisabeth regretted touching him immediately, her hand almost lifting completely away; but his body, blissfully, loosened and melted under her touch, and he shivered as she traced the words with her fingers. She felt every rise and fall of scar-tissue, every divot, every vertebra. She was entranced. She was lost.

Skin, ink, heat. Miles of it, under her small hand. Was this paradise? She could only dream paradise would be like this.

Every cell vibrated as she leaned in closer, her lips only inches from his skin, when he suddenly jolted at the sensation of her breath. He arched away from her touch, and Elisabeth was mortified as he drew away quickly, and she felt blood rush to her face, her neck, her chest.

Their trance had broken. Noah's face was flushed as he slowly picked up his shirt, scratching the nape of his neck. Elisabeth immediately felt ashamed of her dewy eyes, her curiosity and her boldness to touch him. _I'm sorry_ , she signed quickly when he turned to face her. His cheeks were pink, his hair tousled. She had ruined it. She had made it weird, and wrong. So wrong. _I was just…_

Noah shook his head, eyes darting. _Don't be_ , he signed back, pulling his shirt on. _You've done nothing wrong._

Relief flooded Elisabeth. She sighed, relaxed again, realising she had not ruined anything. _It is a very impressive tattoo_ , she signed, still humming from the contact. She could still feel his skin on hers.

Noah smiled, his Adam's apple bobbing, and promptly got to his feet. Elisabeth looked up at him, cocking her head. _I am just going to get my coat_ , he signed, rushing outside, leaving Elisabeth bewildered, but alight, electric, alive.

She knew, however, deep within her core;

She knew that this feeling, whatever it was, was going to be hard to control, and even harder to stop completely.


	10. Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still August, 2028.

The sustained radioactive whirr was not quite loud enough to dull Noah's thoughts. He stalked through the woods, mouth and nose covered, hood pulled up against the biting air. The ground beneath him crackled and snapped under his large boots. He smoothly avoided a fallen tree branch, leaping over it gracefully. He finally reached the lake, and inhaled deeply as he overlooked the dark water. It was here, by the lake, that Noah had started undertaking somewhat of a 'prayer' each morning before the day began.

Since starting nightly discussions with Elisabeth, who was eager to absorb more knowledge about Sic Mundus, Adam, Paradise and the Prophecy, Noah had taken it upon himself to reinvigorate his own faith. Zealously, he had thrown himself back into studying his doctrine the morning after that first night of syllabus, when he had carelessly revealed his tattoo to Elisabeth, in the name of education.

Her curiosity and frankness had disarmed him, and he had not thought twice about showing her something she had seen half a hundred times already, especially with it being so relevant. Noah's mind's eye recalled that sacred, still moment, suspended in time, theirs alone.

His shyness had surprised him as he unbuttoned his shirt, Elisabeth's eyes on him causing him to flush. He'd shivered at the lightness of her sudden touch, breathing hitching as tentative hands traced soft circles on him, as he sensed her face, her lips so close to his skin. And then, unbidden, Jonas' words, damn him, _damn_ him, had entered his mind.

_It's okay to want, you know._

And Noah had wondered, absently, twistedly, if Elisabeth's breathing would grow ragged if his own lips were close to her skin.

In an instant, their equilibrium was upset. In Noah's mind, the matter, the form of their dynamic as educator and student, protector and protected, had shifted into something else. It had always continued to morph as she grew from a stalwart child into a stubborn teen, and settled each year with a new layer added to their dynamic. And this year, a new layer had already begun growing, budding when they had discussed their dreams of a life outside Sic Mundus, when she had been hurt, when she had asked him if she was pretty. It had not fully formed until that moment, and it left Noah bewildered and conflicted.

Noah had experienced thoughts like these before in his own time, with the many women who visited- how could he not? He was a man, and had a man's brain, and a man's desires. But he could not entertain them here. Never here. Not about _her._

As a form of purging, he had discretely avoided any physical contact with her the week since, desperate that she would never see him with anything but the best intentions, and that that fleeting thought would never arise again. He sneaked off to work with Jonas a bit more often. Noah had even made a point of changing when Elisabeth was asleep, so she would not notice anything amiss. 

He doubted, though, that in Elisabeth's mind anything had even changed whatsoever. But for Noah, it was monumental. It was something that made him realise, sickened, that he may be straying from his purpose. And so began his litanies.

 _How do we know what is right and what is wrong? What's good and what's evil?_ His own question, posed to himself, repeated for the first time in a while. _By heeding our inner voice. By following no one but ourselves._ Noah's older self's words continued to whisper in his ear. He was unsure why he would tell himself that. How could Noah follow solely his own voice, when his own voice murmured dissident thoughts of its own in the dead of night? When it had the potential to lead him astray? The power to up-heave the plan laid out for him?

 _Adam, I am protecting her_ , _I am teaching her. I am doing everything you told me to. Is it enough? What else can I do?_ He asked.

 _Our true nature reveals itself not only in our deeds, but also in our purpose,_ his inner voice responded _._ He tried to conjure some words of Adam's, not his own. "My purpose is to protect her," Noah said aloud, reaffirming, his breath creating a mist. Noah was born to protect Elisabeth Doppler to aid the Prophecy. To reach Paradise. And he had done so, and more! He had raised her from a pubescent adolescent into young adulthood, with little to no help. He had genuinely befriended her, comforted her as she cried, washed her when she was bloody, chased her into raids, nourished her, taught her, laughed with her, and yes; he had protected her.

But what was his purpose meant to become when Elisabeth didn't want his protection anymore, nor need it? Noah's purpose was beginning to grow cloudy. Why had his older self not told him more? Why had Adam not told him more?

_Because if you knew what I know now, you wouldn't do what you must, which enables me to get to this moment._

Doing what he must was difficult when he was no longer sure of exactly what that was. The only voice he could hear today was his own. _I am you. I am your voice. Never forget that._

Noah exhaled and looked out at the lake, with no more clarity than when he first arrived.

\----

Elisabeth was awake by the time he got back. She had started the fire, just a small one for the cool morning, and wiggled her gloved fingers at Noah as he approached. He returned the gesture, tension leaving him, but his guard would remain up. But he could not help but feel warmth and adoration as he watched her nibble on a piece of cooked meat.

Just because he had been trying to maintain their safe, companionable distance, did not mean Noah did not like her more than any human being he had ever met, every stubborn, clever, funny inch of her. Whatever was wrong, and evil, it was not Elisabeth; she was everything right, and everything good.

 _I saved some rabbit for you,_ she signed, grinning. _Lucky. I almost didn't._

Noah chuckled, grateful. His stomach growled at the scent of cooked food. "Thank you, Elli," he signed and spoke. She had her fox beanie pulled over her blonde locks. " _Little Fox_ ," he said, to himself, as he came to sit next to her on the log. Usually, he would have ruffled her woollen head in quiet companionship, or put his cold hands on the back of her neck. Today, as each day for the last week, he did neither.

 _Are we working with Jonas today?_ Elisabeth asked, before she passed him the plate with a large rabbit leg.

He smiled graciously as he accepted the food. " _Ja_." he gave a thumbs up, then an 'okay symbol' with his free hand. "Is that alright?"

Elisabeth nodded. _I wanted to_ , she signed. She stretched out her sore leg, as she always did, pointing her toes. Noah watched her as he took a large bite of rabbit. Grease dripped down his chin, and Elisabeth stopped stretching, reaching to wipe it from his chin as she sometimes had wont to do. Noah leaned his head back, immediately wiping it himself. Elisabeth's eyes narrowed. _I knew it_ , they said.

 _You have been acting weird_ , Elisabeth signed, matter-of-factly. Noah's heart sank.

She _had_ noticed. She was so damningly perceptive, he ought to have known. He set the rabbit leg back on the wooden plate he'd fashioned and looked at her, dead in the eyes. He knew immediately he had been caught out. He thought he'd been discrete, but clearly, Elisabeth knew him too well. Maybe this conversation is needed, he thought. "Have I?" he signed.

 _Yes._ Then, _and_ _I know it's because of the tattoo thing. That's when you started being weird. Sneaking off with Jonas and avoiding any touch. Avoiding me._

Noah paled, lost for words. Transparent. Elisabeth continued.

 _It shouldn't change anything_ , she signed rapidly. _I don't care what you look like without a shirt. You have seen me at my most vulnerable, so why does it bother you so much_?

He held her gaze as she threw her hands up, punctuating her words. "It didn't change anything," Noah signed in protest, " _It doesn't bother me."_ He was slightly defensive now. _"_ I just felt… _"_ he searched for the sign. "… like I might have made you uncomfortable _."_

 _You didn't._ Elisabeth pursed her lips. _And it did change things for me. I thought I'd done something wrong!_

Noah felt tendrils of guilt curl in his stomach."Oh, Elli, no." That was the last thing he had hoped would happen. "You didn't do anything wrong. I just... didn't want you to think of me any differently," he signed back, heart aching.

Elisabeth cocked her head to the side. _Why would I think of you any differently?_ She signed, quizzical. He was sure she knew why, but she was probing him, in usual Elli fashion.

Noah shrugged, not even sure himself. "I don't know. It felt too…" he couldn't articulate it. He cowered at the word 'intimate.' To even say that word or ones similar would bring questions, and connotations that he did not want Elisabeth to consider about him. _Unless she has already_ , a dark voice murmured, but Noah ignored it.

 _Noah, I only thought of you differently because I was a bit sad that you avoided even touching my hands while we washed dishes_ , Elisabeth said, her eyes softening. Hurt, Noah realised, anguished. _And I had a nightmare about dad and it felt wrong to wake you._

Noah was devastated by those words. He never wanted to hurt Elisabeth, even by accident, and would always apologise profusely whenever he said something less than kind to her. "I'm sorry," he signed. "I should have known you would have noticed. _Es tut mir Leid._ I'm sorry."

Elisabeth flipped her hand, _it's okay._ She paused for a moment, the side of her lips twitching. _I just want you to know that in this time, being shirtless is not a sign of anything, really. You could take your shirt off and show Jonas and he would probably do the same. Claudia definitely would have._

Noah, despite it all, burst into loud laughter, which echoed around the trees. Oh, he should have known she would be nothing but Elisabeth about this. Elisabeth beamed back at him. _Does this mean it's okay to hug you again?_ Elisabeth signed, and he nodded, unable to help himself.

She threw her arms around him, her silken blonde hair in his nose, in his mouth, her head on his shoulder. And for a moment, Noah could feel as he always had, how he assumed Elisabeth felt. He closed his eyes, relishing the contact he had been missing as he returned the hug, relieved they had talked. A weight had been lifted; or so he thought.

Within seconds, he found himself all too aware of her body, flush against his; the scent of her skin as she buried her face in his neck; again, her breath, hot on his skin. _She's not a little girl anymore_ , Jonas repeated in Noah's head, dully. But this time he shook Jonas away, resting his chin on Elisabeth's head.

She wasn't a child, that was true. But she was Elisabeth, just Elisabeth, and Elisabeth was everything right. If Noah knew anything, it was that Elisabeth was the right path. 

The hug broke, and Elisabeth got to her feet. _I'm glad you're not sulking anymore_ , she signed. _Tell me when you want to go to help Jonas._ She hobbled into the cabin, and Noah nodded, smiling. He was grateful she was not so perceptive as to read his every thought.

 _They are just intrusive, primeval thoughts,_ he reassured himself, watching her pull on her boots fondly. He laughed as she hopped on one foot to pull the other boot on. All dark thoughts seemed to fade when he laughed with her. That was enough to assure Noah that nothing was wrong. _Nothing but human nature._

Perhaps he would ask Jonas today about how he dealt with such thoughts, and such needs in this hostile environment. Noah was only human, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing gets past our girl, Noah. Just sayin.


	11. Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late August, 2028.

'What did this **Noah** look like?'

'He was tall, as tall as dad. He wore a hat.'

_Her mother hugged her fox beanie close._

_Franziska slapped her cheek._

_Yasin, Mikkel, Jonas._

_Her father's scent in her nose, old cologne and leather._

_The triquetra._ **_Sic Mundus Creatus Est._ **

_A pine-cone the shape of a hedgehog._ _Her mother's pocket-watch._

_A man's face, his temple crushed and bloody beneath her._

_Her father's face, laughing. Her father's face, stiff with death, a knife in his neck._

_'They're **dead** , daddy!'_

Elisabeth woke with a gasp, clutching her throat. She felt dampness all through her sleeping bag, stickiness on her legs, face and lower back. Her hair was pasted to her forehead, and she chewed the inside of her cheeks. Her hands were trembling. Even her old cuddly fox was soaked through with perspiration. She turned to Noah's bedroll, where he slept on his back, eyes moving rapidly beneath his eyelids. She imagined he snored, black bubbles popping in his throat.

Noah seemed so young when he was asleep, his hair flopping into his eyes, the hard, sharp lines of his face soft with dreams and peace. He and Jonas had fought that evening, but Elisabeth was not privy to what it was about. All she knew was that Jonas had laughed and Noah had stalked back to the cabin, eyes blazing. All anger and hate was smoothed out as he slept, and it calmed Elisabeth to watch him.

Before, she would have woken him with her distress, with her strangled breathing or by her violent thrashing, or a soft tap on the shoulder. Tonight, Elisabeth did not want to disturb him any more than she already had over the past eight years. She clutched her fox teddy to her chest, focusing on her breathing, trying to match it with the steady rise and fall of Noah's chest. Eventually, the fear and panic began to subside. She slid out of her damp bedclothes inside her sleeping bag, and huddled down, facing Noah.

 _Noah._ She could try to cover it up and deny it, but she still felt foolish, even as she struggled to breathe. Utterly foolish, and naïve, as well; for thinking their conversation about dreams had sparked new thoughts in Noah. For thinking the kiss on her hand meant anything more than an act of kindness after her injury. For taking his compliment on her beauty to heart, and especially for touching his tattoo. Something had shifted in that moment, and Noah had avoided her touch for days, leaving her crushed and embarrassed and craving his normal interactions. Especially in moments like this, where she needed to rid herself of the dead man's face in her dreams, and fill it with thoughts of Paradise.

So, Elisabeth had done what she had to do to un-change their dynamic, and accepted that whatever change she thought had occurred, hadn't. She wanted his touch, even if it was the same as ever. She had lied through her teeth, as a protective mechanism, and had assured Noah that their moment had meant nothing to her, that it was normal, and that she felt a she always had.

But their moments meant everything to her, and she didn't feel like she always had. But she tried, and it seemed to be successful. Their platonic, protective touches had resumed as normal, as had their nightly discussions about Sic Mundus; it was comfortable, and reassuring, but still, inwardly, Elisabeth longed to see him so vulnerable again, so bare, so free. He still changed while she looked away, and she would sneak a peek of his tattoo every so often, but it was nothing in comparison to up close. She had dampened the embers of hope in her belly, desperately trying to stamp them out.

Elisabeth hadn't realised Noah had woken as well until his torch lit up the cabin. She fiercely wiped her eyes, pulling her sleeping bag up to her nose, to no avail; she knew that Noah could see right through her. He immediately sat up, the quickest person Elisabeth had ever known to be fully alert, and dragged his bedroll closer to hers. He reached to his side when he was closer to her, picking up his coat. Elisabeth shook her head, protesting; she didn't want to make it reek of her sweat. He ignored her, shaking the coat out as he stood to drape it around Elisabeth's shoulders. She grudgingly but gratefully accepted the coat, shivering as her sweat cooled on her body. Noah sat down cross legged across from her, as he always had, and hopefully always would. His habitually taciturn blue eyes were warm and kind with his unspoken empathy, gently enquiring. _Noah._ Her lips rounded around his name.

Elisabeth, he mouthed in return. He paused, and Elisabeth watched, in shock, as Noah reached out his hand. Softly, as if she were the Emerald Tablet herself, Noah wiped back the matted blonde hair from her forehead. _Oh._

Her tired eyes fell shut, and she sighed as he swept a calloused thumb over her damp temple. He had not touched her so tenderly since she her leg had been injured, and she trembled at the sensation of his skin on hers. That traitorous spark of hope grew to a small flame in Elisabeth's belly, but soon was extinguished as Noah pulled his hand back quickly, as if he had touched that flame by accident.

Noah seemed to be in as much shock as she was at his intimate gesture. He scratched his nose, his eyes falling to his sleeping bag. _Don't stop,_ Elisabeth wanted to say, _please, never stop._ Instead, she watched as he pulled out his notepad and pencil, and the moment had passed as quickly as it had come.

Noah wrote, his eyes darting as he scribbled. He turned it to show her. _Would you like to talk about it?_ His paper read. Elisabeth recalled the image of her father's lifeless face, the red pulp of the dead monster's head, and tried to steady her breathing, which was uneven from a mixture of the nightmare and Noah's comforting touch.

 _Just dad and the monster again_ , Elisabeth signed, trying to shake away those heinous, traumatic images which were so often intermingled with ones she loved. _Paradise?_ she signed, and Noah nodded, their ritual beginning, pulling his sleeping bag around him like a blanket. Elisabeth fought off the rush of adoration she felt as she watched him shuffle around, trying to get comfortable. The ghost of his hand rested on her cheek. She swallowed, paying no mind to her childish fantasies. Remember, just a kindness, she reminded herself.

Noah gestured for Elisabeth to start, as he usually did when they did not talk about Sic Mundus or Paradise. Questions lingered on Elisabeth's fingers, so many, but she fought the foolish ones away. She wanted to talk about Paradise again, yes. But not Adam's, as usual. She wanted to know more about Noah's idea of Paradise, the one he had talked about that fraught evening, with horses and apples, the evening when she had wept as guilt and loss overwhelmed her.

She had told herself not to try and pry into dangerous territory, due to her disappointment and previous teenage fancies, but she could not help herself from wanting to question Noah's thoughts and beliefs and opinions, especially now, when she wanted to be distracted, with any other thoughts beside her own. She knew now that could question him and find out more with nothing to be concerned about.

 _In your dreams about Paradise, what else is there besides a farm?_ She allowed herself to sign.

Noah took a breath, looking up at her. _Do you mean the dreams if Sic Mundus did not exist?_ He looked wary of this particular topic, but Elisabeth nodded. She knew he would give in eventually. _Not Adam's Paradise?_

 _What if Adam's Paradise is just our own idea of Paradise?_ she signed, and Noah's mouth twitched. 

_I don't think it is like that,_ he signed, pursing his lips. Elisabeth rolled her eyes.

 _But it might be._ She signed impatiently. _What is your idea of paradise then,? Could you tell me more about what your life looks like in your dreams? Please._

 _Last time it made you upset_ , he signed, _because you felt guilty that it was a life that I missed out on to follow Sic Mundus, and to follow you._

Elisabeth needed distraction from her thoughts, and she was stronger than last time. _I will not question Adam's plan this time,_ she promised. _I swear. I just want to hear more. Please? It will help me sleep._

Noah was apprehensive, and looked over to the notebook, filled to the brim with Sic Mundus cantos, Hermetic sketches and words from Adam's own mouth. She could see the cogs of his mind turning, like a clock. He looked back to Elisabeth, and conceded.

 _If it will help your dreams_ , he signed. _I will write them down because I don't know all the signs._

Elisabeth smiled, grateful he was willing to talk about something besides Sic Mundus and travelling again. His face hardened in thought, mouth a thin line as he jotted things down. Elisabeth noticed his writing hand was shaking slightly. _Could you draw some pictures?_ _They help._ Elisabeth signed. Noah's head bobbed as he chuckled.

After a few minutes, he looked up. Elisabeth put her hand out, and Noah looked embarrassed as he handed over the notebook. Elisabeth took it, and fondly remembered when he had written 'cave.' Their first shared words.

Noah had written a list in his neat handwriting, and Elisabeth read it voraciously. Little drawings of the Triquetra, a suit and hat, a sun and a crescent moon, a stick figure family, and a fox head were in the margin. Sic Mundus were at the top of his list, as expected; she should have known he would not deviate from the topic completely. Then; _dogs, children, sun, moon, sea, television, nicer clothes, pie, dancing, Mama, Papa, Erna, Elisabeth. (Maybe Jonas and Agnes.)_

Elisabeth's heart fluttered as she reached her name. Next to it was the little drawing of the fox. Her chest swelled with emotion, and she grabbed her felt fox from beside her. She read the entire list, one at a time, seeing more of Noah than she felt she had in a while. A bubble of mirth rose in her chest as she read 'maybe Jonas.' She looked up at Noah, searching his face. _I'm in your Paradise?_ she signed. Elisabeth thought she saw Noah blush as he nodded, but it may have been wishful thinking; it always was.

Elisabeth's night terror was fading away as she analysed the the rest of his list. _Nice clothes you know you will get_ , she signed, and Noah cocked his head. _Your future self is very well dressed. I remember._ Elisabeth grinned as she saw 'dancing,' which was flanked by a little television sketch. _Dancing?_ She signed, a new sign for Noah. Noah mimicked her, and Elisabeth nodded, _correct. I didn't know you liked dancing._

 _I have never done it_ , he signed, endearingly boyish. _But I saw the men and women doing it at their debutantes. Mama and Papa did it too. Agnes did it once, but she never liked dancing with the boys._

Elisabeth watched as his eyes grew misty at the mention of his parents. His face often grew dark when he talked of his father, and Elisabeth knew better than to ask how he had passed. But they had that in common, and Elisabeth understood better than anyone.

 _Franziska was, is a dancer. She taught me some,_ Elisabeth signed, suddenly brave. Then, foolishly: _maybe one day I can teach you._

Noah raised his eyes to meet hers, eyes glinting with the hint of a smile. Elisabeth felt warmth flood her limbs as he nodded. _I would like that very much,_ he signed. _Little Fox._

 _Little Fox_. Elisabeth yawned as she traced the picture he had drawn, the night terror all but gone. _You can be a rabbit, then._

 _A rabbit!_ Noah laughed, and Elisabeth wished she could hear it. She imagined bells chiming in his mouth. Beautiful. She felt her eyelids growing heavy again. _Danke, Noah,_ she signed. _I think I can sleep now._ She went to hand the notebook back, but Noah shook his head. _Keep it with you._

She snuggled back down into her sleeping bag, her damp bed clothes scrunched down the bottom near her feet. She grinned sleepily as Noah waved to her from his sleeping bag as he faced her. Noah flicked off the torch, and Elisabeth drifted off to sleep, thinking of debutante balls and crescent moons.

Neither of them was awake as their hands found one another in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to the wallpaper in Noah's creepy ass bunker.


	12. Blush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> September, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was so fun to write omgg

The floating, warping mass did not frighten Noah. The opposite, in fact; the undulating roars that emitted from the God Particle fascinated him. The eerie blue light within, like a deep-sea fish, entranced him, and to think that one day he could control it brought tears to his eyes. That day would be a beautiful one, one for the ages. He and Elisabeth would celebrate with all the things they dreamed of, all the things they'd talked about in the dead of night, family and birthday cake and fancy clothes and dancing.

And Adam would be _so_ proud of him.

Noah, Jonas and Claudia were garbed in the yellow protective suits. Elisabeth was waiting in the woods somewhere; she hated being near the God Particle, even though she enjoyed studying it. She had seen it a number of times, when Claudia had led her in to show her when she was younger; Elisabeth, frightened by nothing, was frightened by the Higgs Boson. Noah could not really blame her; it was a Goliath, seething and spitting and dark. She decided from then on that she would read through Claudia's notes outside, doing what she could where she could.

The boys watched as Claudia pulled a lever, and looked hopefully upwards at the particle. It swelled, pulsated; Noah reached out his arm to touch Jonas' shoulder, making sure he was seeing it too.

Then, anticlimactically, it returned to the normal size. Noah and Jonas looked back to Claudia, who frowned, returning to her notes. She turned to the boys, shaking her head. Noah exhaled, his helmet fogging up. That was their cue to end their work for the day.

They exited the plant, where Elisabeth was sitting on a log, blonde hair filled with some falling ash. She looked up from the note she was reading, eyes questioning. Noah, Jonas and Claudia pulled their helmets off, and unzipped their hazard suits, letting them air on the grass. Noah scratched the back of Elisabeth's neck with his gloved fingers as he came to sit beside her, enjoying as her neck crumpled into her shoulders.

"I believe what we need is an electrical resonant transformer circuit," Claudia said, her strange multicoloured eyes flicking between Jonas and Noah as they sat. This was new, stimulating information for Noah to consider, but he tried not to seem too interested in Claudia's words.

"What's that?" he asked dully.

"They are used to produce high-voltage, low-current, high frequency alternating-current electricity. They are very hard to come by, but I think if we keep searching for more copper, we could be getting close," Claudia continued.

Noah turned to Elisabeth, who was watching Claudia's mouth intently, her eyes narrowing as she followed earnestly. " _We need an electrical circuit of some kind,"_ he signed, not knowing the sign for circuit. He made a circle with his finger instead, and Elisabeth understood what he meant. She always did, somehow. No one had ever understood Noah half as well as Elisabeth did, but telling her that would go to her head.

Elisabeth and Noah had packed their own food for the day, as had Claudia and Jonas. The four of them sat on the logs and the regrowing grass, chewing on stale granola bars and dried apple. Jonas and Elisabeth were writing notes to one another, and Noah watched, chewing thoughtfully, as Claudia flicked through her own notes, focusing so hard her forehead crinkled. Her face was pensive, and her eyes made Noah uncomfortable.

"Do you think we could make one of these Tesla coils ourselves?" Jonas asked. Tesla. Noah recognised that name.

"Tesla," he said, trying to recall what the workers had told Erna about an American Engineer. "Was he the Serb?"

Claudia pursed her lips. "We potentially could," she replied, to Jonas. That annoyed Noah. She always favoured Jonas over him, and deep down, it made Noah feel inadequate. He would never truly trust Claudia, for reasons he could not explain; but she was shrewd, and knowledgeable. That he could not deny. And he often sought her approval. Maybe he would try his old tactic.

"Claudia, why do you want to change the pattern of events in this world?" Noah burst out his thoughts suddenly, startling Jonas and Claudia. They looked towards him, and Elisabeth did too, only then realising he had said something. Noah would not stop now that he had started. "If you do not follow Sic Mundus, why do you want to control time? The way to control time is to let the cycle repeat, and once the cycle is over, we will reach Paradise. But you do not want Paradise. What is it that you want?"

"Noah," Jonas shook his head, knowing what was coming next. He'd been through this enough to know this tone. Noah shot a glare at him, _let me ask for once._ Elisabeth rolled her eyes, understanding the expressions on everyone's faces. Jonas and Elisabeth had experienced enough of Noah's suspicion, but he had not asked Claudia outright about what her motivations were.

Claudia blinked, weighing his words. Noah realised, suddenly, that she did not trust him any more than he trusted her. "I can't claim to know much about your Adam, or Sic Mundus," she spoke carefully, "But what I do know is that both of us want to end the pain and suffering this world brings." She fiddled with her notes, the paper rustling. "to bring back what I have lost."

"What you have lost in the Apocalypse?" Noah was confused. "If you want to end suffering, then why do you not follow Sic Mundus? Why try and salvage whatever you lost in this world when you could find in Paradise, where all the dead live?" he asked. He remembered something, and reached into his pocket. He pulled out his notebook, the one with reams of text about the Prophecy, about Paradise, about the Hermetica and the Passage opening and the world's beginnings. Elisabeth was looking at Claudia, gauging her reaction.

Claudia did not shy away from Noah's intense stare. "I am not a big believer in religion, Noah. I am a woman of science." Then, quieter, "When you lose something you love more than anything else in _this world,_ " she emphasised the final two words, "you will understand." Her voice was steady, and her gaze seemed to stare straight into Noah's soul.

Noah's lips parted imperceptibly, and something inside Noah trembled at her words, and he tried not to let his eyes flick over to Elisabeth. What did this woman know about Noah? What did she _think_ she knew about him? _She knows nothing about me,_ he thought.

Jonas nodded slightly in agreement in Noah's peripheral vision. Noah held Claudia's gaze, swallowing as he shook the feeling away, disquieted. "Sic Mundus is founded on science," Noah continued, unconvinced. "What belief do you hold onto at night when you go to sleep?" he pushed her. "Adam will save us. Elisabeth and I will be saved; do you both not want to be saved?"

Jonas massaged the bridge of his nose. "We don't have to follow Sic Mundus just because Adam told you to," he said. "Can you drop it, Noah?"

"Paradise is achievable for all of us," Noah turned to Jonas. "Loyalty to the Plan will bring us there, and I understand we all have our own motivations…"

"I suppose wanking at midnight is all a part of loyalty to the Plan, too," Jonas muttered. Noah's face burnt bright red, and Claudia looked away awkwardly. Noah prayed Elisabeth had not been able to read Jonas' lips. A ball of anger and mortification swelled in Noah's chest. Jonas continued, "Adam isn't…"

"Adam isn't what?" Noah snapped at Jonas.. "Adam isn't to be trusted? Isn't righteous? Isn't _you_?" the fervent words flowed from Noah's lips before he could stop himself.

Jonas paled, and Noah realised he may have gone too far in response to Jonas' harmless jab. Claudia frowned, and Elisabeth looked between them all, trying to keep up with their fast lips. He knew she sensed immediately that Noah had made a mistake. Then Noah himself realised, and blanched. He had forgotten that Claudia did not know that Adam was Jonas yet. _Oh, god._ "I think it's time you headed back," said Jonas evenly. "Thanks for your help today." He stood, and so did Noah, helpless.

"Jonas, I…"

"Don't worry about it, Noah." He turned around and began to walk to his camp. Noah felt a surge of guilt. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" he did not turn around as he spoke.

Elisabeth stood up. _What did you say?_ She signed rapidly, glowering. He regretted having even brought up Sic Mundus, seeing Elisabeth anything less than happy with him.

Claudia stood, pulling her hood up. "Don't worry," she said to Noah, her tone measured, and strangely reassuring. "I think a part of me knew already." She looked between Noah and Elisabeth. "I am going to go back inside." Noah nodded curtly, and Elisabeth gave a tight smile. As Claudia turned to don her hazard suit again, Elisabeth glared at Noah witheringly, and he flushed with shame as her deep hazel eyes pierced into him.

 _What did you say to Jonas?_ she signed, as he bent down to put the leftover food into his pack. _Did you say something about Adam?_

Noah turned to her, hoisting the pack onto his back. " _Ja_ ," he signed, humbled. "About Adam."

She shook her head disapprovingly, like a headmistress, turning on her heel. He sighed, formulating his plan for how to patch this up. He was better with wounds.

They began walking in the direction of their cabin, and Elisabeth walked ahead, as fast as she could with her sore leg. Noah sighed. He didn't mean to snap at Jonas, and now Elli was irritated too.

Elisabeth eventually slowed her pace, coming to a stop to wait for Noah, despite her annoyance. Her eyes had softened, and Noah barely even thought of Jonas as he apologised; Elisabeth being annoyed was more pressing for him. "I'm sorry," he signed to her, "I wanted to apologise for it but he left. When we go to check on the hub tomorrow to see if we can help rebuild, I'll apologise."

Elisabeth nodded, shrugging, oh well. _You are too much of a perfectionist_ , she signed as they walked, side by side. Noah had seen that sign before; she had often used the word to describe him, and Noah saw no issue with trying to keep the Plan perfect. He knew he could go too far with Sic Mundus sometimes, but he wanted Jonas to follow the right path, and even Claudia _. I make sure I don't say the wrong things to them, or push them too hard that they run away. You should too_ , Elisabeth continued.

Noah snorted, thinking of all the times Elisabeth had said things she shouldn't have to him. "You are whatever the opposite of a perfectionist is. And that is not true. You never think twice about what you say to me," Noah signed and spoke, a smile twitching the side of his lips. Elisabeth pulled her scarf to cover her mouth and nose, and wiggled her eyebrows. Noah could not help but laugh at her as she turned and sped off ahead of him, and he felt that uncomfortable tingle in his stomach at the sight of her lithe body in movement, her blonde hair spilling from her hood, flaxen and gleaming.

Claudia's phrase echoed in his mind. "When you lose something you love more than anything else in this world, you will understand."

Noah prayed that was only a hypothetical statement, and not a promise.

\-----------

Dinner that night was leftover rabbit, and Elisabeth, the ravenous fox that she was, inhaled as much food as she could. Noah was always happy to see her eat; those first few months together after Peter had died, she had barely eaten, but as soon as he had set a steaming bowl of stew in front of her after months of only dried meat, she had devoured it.

In Noah's time, women and girls generally did their best to conceal large appetites, and ate daintily like birds when they did eat in company. Elisabeth Doppler did no such thing, and initially, it had shocked Noah; now, he would be concerned something was very wrong if she did not eat like the voracious beast she was.

Elisabeth, Agnes and Claudia had challenged a number of views from Noah's time in regards to the fairer sex, and he realised, like his father before him, that he did not agree with such views. He struggled to picture Elisabeth sewn into a corset, though Franziska had managed, or at a debutante ball, or working solely as a kitchen wench. Elisabeth was meant to be a teacher or a performer or a scientist, a leader- whatever that might be. He could not even entertain the idea of Claudia Tiedemann as a housewife, and could have guffawed. Noah had initially planned on following his parent's path, in a life before Sic Mundus; meeting a woman, getting married young, having a family to run Erna's inn after she had died.

His mind wandered to Jonas next. He wanted to apologise to Jonas. As mortified as he had been, he still felt guilty for saying what he said about Jonas on impulse. Noah thought about how Jonas fared in 1921. Touching oneself, as it were, was not something Noah talked about back then. Then again, Jonas had barely fit into Noah's time, just a boy, a sad and sore and hungry and injured boy out of time, and had wanted to leave as quickly as he had come.

Noah wondered vaguely if he himself had ever really belonged in his own time.

He snapped from his thoughts as Elisabeth waved a hand in front of his fazed eyes. You okay? She signed. Noah smiled dreamily, making the 'okay' symbol.

Elisabeth put her wooden spoon down. _What did Jonas say to you to make you go so red? I've never seen you… so much._ She made a new sign, touching her cheeks. _Blush._

Noah fought off another blossoming of crimson in his hollow, pale cheeks. They made it so much more obvious. "He said something about Paradise not being real again," he signed, nonchalant.

Elisabeth narrowed her eyes. _No, he didn't. You don't blush when he says things about Paradise, your face just gets all serious and your eyes go cold._

He now understood why Jonas wanted to stop Noah from pushing a particular topic that made him uncomfortable. _Fine. He said something about me that was embarrassing for Claudia to hear._

 _Claudia wouldn't care about anything Jonas said about you,_ she signed. He wished that were true. _Was it about…_ her eyes twinkled, … _Man things?_

Noah groaned. She was maddening. "Yes, correct." He hoped she would not push, but Noah knew Elli.

_I read that men need to relieve themselves quite often to avoid a build-up…_

Noah stood up swiftly. That was quite enough of this conversation for him. "I am going to wash the pot," he said, flustered, and Elisabeth grinned as he took her plate. He should have known she would know about all of this.

But Noah wondered, secretly, as he had wondered for many nights, if Elisabeth ever thought about 'woman things.'


	13. Pleasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still September, 2028.

A hazy grey sun set over the ruins of Winden, and Noah and Jonas were racing each other back to the cabin from the plant. Elisabeth had taken a head start, walking ahead of them, envious and desperate for her leg to heal completely so she could beat them both. She sat on the patio and watched as they arrived. Jonas arrived first, the hint of a grin on his face, a rare sight. She was glad they fought and made up so rapidly; it reminded her of herself Franziska, one minute pulling each other's hair out, the next, taking a scolding for the other.

When Noah arrived a second later, his cheeks were pink, ashy hair tousled. Jonas choked on a flying piece of ash as he bent over, puffing. Noah laughed, whacking him on the back, his pallid cheeks vibrant. _Beautiful._

Elisabeth could not bear to look at him a moment longer.

 _I'm going to do my bandage_ , she signed to Noah, who was panting heavily as he and Jonas shed their coats. He straightened immediately at Elisabeth's words.

 _Do you want help?_ He signed back, eyes on hers, a hint of concern behind his gaze. Elisabeth shook her head, though she would have liked his help, but not because she needed it. _I'll wash the coats and boots, then_. He held his hand out, gesturing for her to shed her own coat. Elisabeth did so quickly, and tried to ignore the quiver in her belly as he smiled in thanks when she handed it to him.

Elisabeth proceeded to busy herself inside the cabin, preparing some canned food for them all, while Noah and Jonas sloughed water over their contaminated coats and boots which they had strewn out on the ground. She would wait up for Noah in case he wanted to talk about Sic Mundus tonight, or anything else; they had been discussing more and more topics recently that deviated, which Elisabeth enjoyed as much, if not more, than any Sic Mundus talk. She was particularly curious about Noah's wishes to dance and wear nice clothes.

Darkness fell, and Elisabeth figured the boys were busy with whatever boys did. After eating her tinned tuna and beans by herself, she decided to lie on her bedroll and read until they came up.

It was past dark when Elisabeth looked up from her book, a derelict edition of what might have been historical fiction. A far as Elisabeth knew, it was a bit unrealistic. She rested her book and torch beside her, lying in the darkness. Noah had been in the bunker talking to Jonas for a while, and neither of them had even come up for food, or air. Elisabeth realised that Noah would probably spend the night down in the bunker with Jonas. She sighed, bored, closing her eyes. Sleep was usually better than boredom. She wondered, if Franziska was alive like Adam had told Noah, when she was, what she was doing, who she was with.

She was always curious about what the boys talked about when they were not discussing opening the passage, the God particle, or travelling back in time.

She thought back to when Jonas had mentioned something embarrassing about Noah in front of Claudia and herself. She wished she could know the details of what was said, but she knew enough about boys from the drawer beside Franziska's bed, and Magnus' similar facial expression when she had enquired about it, that it must have been something to do with pleasure.

Her face burnt as she thought of Noah in tandem with the idea of pleasure. Elisabeth had read enough to know that men had needs; women did, too. But she had not ever considered the idea that Noah, who had always seemed too otherworldly or old-fashioned to Elisabeth, would have such needs. But he was human, too, even if he often seemed unearthly. She had figured that in this environment, there would always be more important, more pressing issues than the notion of pleasure. She understood why Noah would talk to Jonas about such things and not her.

What did Elisabeth know of pleasure? She knew things from her books, Franziska's magazines, Franziska's bedside table, tv shows. But she had never so much as _kissed_ a boy. 

Elisabeth had never kissed anyone except her mum, dad, Franziska and granddad. She had wanted to. She had been too young with Yasin, and the notion of kissing during the Apocalypse had not been on her radar at all until things had settled down, and even then, she had barely ever considered it. The fleeting thought of kissing had sometimes intruded Elisabeth's thoughts in her early teens, when she had been pressed to Noah's chest in the cave as they cleared rocks and his face was right there, or when he was eating and licked his lips. Once, she had even considered Jonas' lips as well, analysing both the boys' lips as the same time as they spoke, imagining the way they felt from a purely technical mindset.

Now, it was different. Elisabeth wasn't thirteen or fourteen years old anymore, and the idea of kissing was more than just an absent-minded contemplation; it was yet another milestone that she would never get to experience.

Then, a passing thought. Brief, but vivid. Had _Noah_ ever kissed anyone?

This thought had crossed her mind a few times over the past years. The mere thought of Noah kissing a 1921 lady gave Elisabeth a sick stab of jealousy in her stomach, even though she knew that was ridiculous. He was her guide, her guardian; she had gotten her hopes up before, and just because she knew now that Noah had normal human needs changed nothing. He was a handsome man, and he would have been able to have any girl in 1921 Winden with a gleam of his blue eyes, a flash of his dark smile.

Noah had probably kissed loads of girls.

He was probably really good at it.

Elisabeth could not stop this train of thought as she imagined, hesitantly, what it would be like to kiss Noah now. Now, she was older, and more womanly; her mind had changed with her body, and thoughts like this would often arise in her dreams, but she tried not to entertain them while awake. It was weird, to think about Noah like that. Anyone else, it would be fine, but Noah was different. She was too busy most of her waking moments to think about that, anyway.

Elisabeth was bored, though. And alone. She could imagine, couldn't she? Just to escape for a little while?

Unbidden, that moment with Noah and his tattoo fought its what to the front of her mind. Her fingers tracing the ink over his spine, over the swell of his scapula… she remembered how she had leaned in, breathing into his hot skin, how he had loosened under her touch. How he had arched away when she'd gotten too close.

What would have happened, though, she wondered, if instead of standing up in shock, he had turned and faced her?

She pictured the way he moved hair from her face after her nightmare. Would he do the same in this situation? Elisabeth's pulse quickened as she visualised his sharp face, blue eyes wide with wonder. She imagined him mouthing her name, or _Little Fox_. She saw Noah leaning in, his chapped lips meeting hers tenderly, lovingly, like she was the one he had waited for all of his life.

Would he lower his hands to her waist, like a 1920s gentleman? Would he hold her cheeks the way Franziska and Magnus kissed? Would he twist his hand in her hair like the man in her historical book?

Warmth pooled in her stomach as the other question arose, one she tried not to think about too hard when it crossed her mind.

Had Noah ever done _more_ than kissing?

That rush of heat in the pit of her stomach surged southwards, and she opened her eyes, pleasantly surprised. Her curiosity was piqued. Surely Noah would have been too busy for such things, with Sic Mundus having taken him in young. The jealousy within her gave way to a strange frustration, a sensation she was not familiar with. She paused her thoughts, and lifted her head. The cabin was dimly illuminated by moonlight, and her eyes had adjusted enough that from her position by the wall she could see the night sky through the window. The boys were still in the bunker. She was alone.

She had read about this in Franziska's magazines when she was younger, and it had etched itself in her mind, but she had never deliberated on it for long enough, nor did she ever have the time to do it.

I could try it, she mused. No one would know. The boys weren't in the cabin, she was in her sleeping bag. Franziska had said it was normal, hadn't she?

Slowly, curiously, Elisabeth slid a hand down between her legs, and under her sweatpants. She decided to keep it above her underwear; she was not about to go all out just yet. Tentatively, she pressed the soft dampness down there, shuffling to get comfortable. It felt strange, and adult, and exciting.

Nothing ground-breaking. She tried for a few more minutes, and still nothing. Gingerly, she persisted, attempting a few different movements, twisting, swirling, then… a tiny flicker of heat. She inhaled slightly; she might be getting somewhere.

Elisabeth grimaced, and stopped what she was doing, looking towards the door of the cabin. She would be mortified if Noah and Jonas caught her, but she supposed she was hidden by her sleeping bag. Noah catching her would be a catastrophe, the way he had caught her when she was too close to his tattoo, when she had touched his skin, tracing the muscle and ink.

Then, unbidden, she wondered how it would feel if it was Noah who were to touch her there.

Immediately, Elisabeth felt tingling heat travel lower to between her legs, and her pulse… _there._ She gasped sharply, and her thoughts sped away from her. Her imagination picked up where it had left off, and she saw Noah signing in her minds eye, 'I feel differently now.'

Her own hand was now Noah's, and Elisabeth lost herself in this new sensation, pressure in her core building, her breath quickening as she tumbled towards…

…Light behind her eyelids. _Scheise._ Her eyes flew open, and she blushed furiously. She immediately stopped moving, choking on her breath. Oh god, he hadn't noticed, had he?

Noah was shuffling around the room, pulling his boots off, holding his torch in his mouth. He looked over to Elisabeth, who winced at the brightness. She lifted her hand to cover her eyes, blinded. Please, don't let him have noticed.

 _Sorry_ , Noah signed, _I didn't mean to wake you._

Thank god. He was oblivious. Worse, he was just as she had pictured in her mind's eye, wriggling from his clothes and godlike. It made Elisabeth feel a rush of shame, and her cheeks burnt in the darkness. He would never picture her in such a way; he would be so disappointed in her if he had known what she had been doing.

 _It's okay,_ she signed, her tired hand aching. She feigned sleepiness. _I left some food out for you._

 _Danke_ , he signed back. _Little fox_.

Elisabeth wanted to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rip Elisabeth, we've all been there


	14. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter because I am going back to uni on Monday, gonna pump out as much as I can! Your comments mean the world to me, and I love you all so much!

"I'm going to go and wash," Noah signed and said to Elisabeth, who gave him a thumbs up as she headed into the cabin. They had just returned from their day of helping rebuild the hub, which was slowly starting to pick back up from after the last raid. People had begun to split off into little factions, with more groups forming around Winden; people were even beginning to have children. Jonas, Noah and Elisabeth all agreed that having children in this environment was utterly foolish.

Noah walked behind the cabin to the small tarpaulin where they washed. They had a tank of filtered water from the lake which wasn't safe enough to drink, but with filtering, could be used to wash. He stripped down and shivered as the evening air hit his skin. He lifted the tank and poured it over his head, letting the water trickle down his entire body. Noah felt filthy for more reasons than just one.

A few nights ago, spending time with Jonas had been strangely cathartic. They had done what Jonas had called 'push-ups,' which was when people purposefully pushed their bodies up and down from the ground in order to be stronger or 'fitter,' for daily life and their jobs, which Noah thought was actually an ingenious idea. He had always been strong and lean from working in the cave, but he had not thought to train himself for it. Exercising also had health benefits, which was why Elisabeth liked to go for runs before her injury.

The men had eventually stopped exercising and began to discuss aspects of their lives in their respective times, the conversation ranging from girls to technology to Sic Mundus (briefly, until Jonas shut Noah up), to family. Eventually, Noah left the bunker, his hunger, tiredness and wanting to talk with Elisabeth getting the best of him.

The cabin had been dark when he'd entered, so he decided against using his torch to find his way; he didn't want to wake Elli. As his eyes adjusted, he had been able to see Elisabeth, her eyes closed. Her breathing had been ragged and uneven. Noah sensed something amiss, maybe a bad dream, but as Elisabeth had let out a whimper, he realised it might not have been a bad dream, but perhaps the opposite. Perhaps not even a dream at all.

The sound from Elisabeth's throat had caused Noah to freeze in his tracks, a rabbit in the headlights. Jonas had warned him about this, and Noah had rebuffed it. _Women don't do that, do they?_... _do they?!_

How Jonas had laughed. How foolish Noah felt now.

He had felt a stirring down below at the sound of her, and immediately shame overtook him. This was Elisabeth! His Elisabeth, his stubborn, funny Little Fox. Her mind, her personality, were what he admired; no, what he loved; about Elisabeth. Her beauty, her transition to womanhood changed nothing.

He'd considered getting changed in the dark for a few primal moments, wondering how long he could remain unnoticed, but valour got the best of him. He turned on his torch in a panic, flustered, to signal his presence and avoid any discomfort from either of them. He then repressed every strange, off-kilter thought he had, and pretended he had not noticed a thing.

Noah scrubbed his skin with the brush he had fashioned from old toothbrushes and wood, pressing so hard his skin turned red. He liked it that way; when his skin stung and burnt, he felt pure again.

He finished washing, suitably clean, and dried himself with his rag, getting dressed as quickly as he could before he would be covered in dirt or ash again.

As he entered the cabin, hair wet and dripping, something flew into his face. It bounced from his chin, startling him, and Noah blinked in confusion. He felt a laugh emerging when he saw Elisabeth with her hands over her mouth. Noah let out a chuckle, his concerns and virility forgotten for the time being, and looked to the floor where a granola bar had landed.

 _I'm so sorry!_ Elisabeth signed, _I thought you'd catch it._ She pointed to the bar by Noah's feet. _You have barely eaten today, is what that meant. Eat!_

"I thought my reflexes were better than that," Noah signed and laughed, and then Elisabeth was giggling too, silent snickers shaking her shoulders. He bent down to pick up the bar. "Danke," he signed. He had not felt so cared for, or catered to, by anyone since Erna; not only did Noah care for Elisabeth, but Elisabeth cared for him in return.

They splayed out on their bedrolls, stretching their tired muscles and aching bones. Elisabeth lay on her back, and Noah watched her, smiling confusedly. She had pulled off a small piece of granola bar and was trying to catch it in her mouth after throwing it up in the air, and failing. He laughed aloud as it bounced off her cheek.

A terrible vision of Elisabeth choking on the food pushed its way into Noah's thoughts. An intrusive thought, what Elli and Jonas said they were. It made Noah's heart skip a beat. "Careful, Elli," he said and signed. "You'll choke," he smiled sheepishly, passing off his legitimate concern as a joke. Elisabeth rolled over her side, holding up the piece of the bar between her thumb and index finger. She made the sign for ' _open_ ,' and Noah groaned, his nerves transforming into an honest smile. "Do I need to prove my reflexes to you now?" he signed.

She nodded. _Open._ Noah got into a sitting position, and opened his mouth. She had done this with her friends at school, he recalled her telling him; he remembered it well because he wished he had had friends to do silly things like that with.

He got into position and nodded, and Elisabeth launched the piece of food directly into his eyelid. Elisabeth fell into giggles as Noah grabbed the piece of food and gave it back to Elli, who popped it in her mouth. They never wasted food.

 _You are really off your game today_ , she signed from her sideways position, and Noah chuckled, lying on his back again. If only she knew. He fought the urge to look at the way her t-shirt clung to her side, revealing her curved hipbone. The pinkness of her lips. The way the top of her shirt had moved downwards to reveal the swell of breasts he had noticed in passing glances. He frowned, purging his mind of the earthly distractions that would do him no good in upholding Adam's Plan, that would do his relationship with Elli even worse. 

She was Elisabeth, who he guarded, his friend and comrade and, he had come to understand, his family. He would not sully her importance with thoughts he could barely control. He took a few deep breaths, in, and out. He turned his head, successfully free of wanton thoughts, to look at Elisabeth, who was now pulling raisins from the remainder of the bar with concentration. Her blonde hair was strewn with ash, her green eyes focused.

Noah realised, then.

He realised that he loved Elisabeth Doppler.

The realisation washed over him like hot water. Was love the right word for what they had? Not love in the familiar sense... but it might have been. Platonic? It wasn't in the romantic sense, _absolutely not;_ but he recognised it was love, in whatever form it was. Maybe he did not need to know what form.

The realisation scared him. It terrified him, because he knew then, and he supposed he had always known, that he would go to the ends of the earth for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wrote it with Noah not having noticed, but I heard y'all coming out from the woodwork with your comments, DON'T SAY I DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR Y'ALL, ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?


	15. Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still October, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god, writing this one gave me so many emotions. Tried to write it how it would be shot in the show. Let me know how I did!

Elisabeth crept through the woods, crouching low. The rain was light today, and did not obscure her vision. When she caught sight of gloomy grey silhouettes belonging to a trio of strangers in the middle distance, she bent even lower, and groaned internally. This would cut her hunting trip short, since the only animals available were either squirrels, cats or birds, and they scared easily.

Turning around, Elisabeth trudged through the thick forest undergrowth in the direction from which she came, taking the route back to the cabin. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flicker of red. She whipped her head to the side, and tucked her blonde braids back into her hood, shrinking her shoulders as she sauntered through the overgrown grass.

Elisabeth kept walking, her paces slowing. She could still sense it, somewhere in the woods. Elisabeth had always been able to feel when she was being watched, especially in the forest or by the cave. These places heightened her perception, sharpened every sense. And she could sense a presence looming nearby.

She knew this presence well.

She eventually stopped, and looked around. To her right, there were only tall coniferous trees, ash particles floating through the air, a light drizzle of rain.

Elisabeth looked to her left, squinting her eyes. This time, he wasn't quite quick enough to hide completely as her eyes scanned the trees. Almost perfectly camouflaged like a chameleon in his grey coat, hood and mask, she saw Noah's lithe form disappear behind a tree.

Elisabeth felt her face burn hot. Since her close call in the cabin a few weeks back, she had been increasingly agitated about being either watched, seen, or even worse, being completely known. The idea of those thoughts laid bare for Noah provoked embarrassment even stronger than getting her first period had brought. She had not dared to so much as scratch herself below the waistline since.

Elisabeth stormed in Noah's direction, and he stepped out smoothly, lifting his hands. _I told you I could do it alone,_ she signed as she strode up to him. She stumbled as she tripped on a rock underfoot, but that didn't stop her. When she reached him, she pulled her scarf down, eyes ablaze. _You don't need to follow me._

Noah pulled his hood back, his scarf down to his neck, and Elisabeth had deja-vu to when they had met in the Kahnwald house years ago. His blue eyes were concerned, now, and not unfamiliar like they had been back then. _I wasn't following you, Elli,_ he signed sincerely, and Elisabeth softened slightly. _I heard some loud noises and followed them. I thought you might be in danger._ His eyes trailed down to her leg, which was almost completely healed. He worried about gunshots almost as much as she did.

Elisabeth's annoyance trickled away, but she huffed anyway, heading in the direction of the cabin. He didn't need to check outside for monsters like Franziska babysitting, or for criminals like her mum at work. As she crashed through the vegetation, she felt Noah's strong grip on her shoulder, and she turned to look him in the eyes.

 _If I can trust you and Adam about Sic Mundus, about Paradise, about the Prophecy, she_ signed, _then you need to trust that I can take care of myself if there's danger_. She knew she was young, and vomited at the sight of some dead corpses, and had been injured in the raid, but she had survived more than she had struggled. And she knew Noah knew that, yet he still could not help but worry.

 _I do_ , he signed, apologetic. _I know you can. I just worry about your leg._ He squeezed her shoulder with his gloved hand, and Elisabeth's stomach fluttered.

 _It's okay,_ she gave the 'okay' symbol, and it was. _I didn't find anything, anyway,_ she signed as they trudged along. Noah shrugged, _that's fine._ They had some more cans at the cabin, and Claudia and Jonas had given them some potatoes they'd traded.

They reached a clearing, and Noah stopped Elisabeth with a tap on the shoulder. _I am going to the caves_ , he signed, gesturing in the direction of the Winden caves. _To see if the Passage has opened._

Elisabeth brightened, her lack of spoils and annoyance forgotten. While she did not miss the cold dampness of the cave, or the uncomfortable sleeping situation, she cherished the memories they had created there; how had it been this year that he had gifted her with a brick-like cake loaf? That they'd discussed Sic Mundus as Paradise? It felt like it had been lifetimes ago. So much had changed, yet also so little. _I'll come with you._

Noah grinned wolfishly, and reached into his coat. He pulled out a torch he'd brought for her, and handed it to Elisabeth. Elisabeth's heart swelled that he had predicted she would want to join him. He jerked his head. C _ome on, then_.

\-----

Noah, Elisabeth, Claudia and Jonas often went and checked on the cave and the Passage. When it was just herself and Noah, Elisabeth normally stayed outside to watch for other people. Seeing the cave today, though, caused nostalgia to wash over her. She was going to go in with him today.

As she stepped inside, she was overwhelmed. How many nights had they talked about Paradise here? How many times had Noah held her as she wept from traumatic recollections? How many birthdays and tears and arguments? The memory of her first impulsive hug with him after her 11th birthday present. Figuring out how to hang the torch from the cave walls. Getting frustrated at each other when they could not communicate efficiently, and Noah giving up on signing. The nights pressed against one another for warmth. That first night he found her there, bloody and afraid and grieving. The cave was a special place for more reasons than just the Passage.

Elisabeth's eyes adjusted to the familiar darkness almost immediately as they travelled deeper into the cave. She flicked on the torch Noah had brought for her, even though she didn't need it to find her way around. Noah went in the direction of the passage, and Elisabeth circled around to find their old living area. They knew it was best for her leg not to go into the passageway, for risk of infection.

She found their old home with ease. It was a wide cavern, and the ground was not completely even, but it had done the job for eight entire years. Elisabeth breathed in the damp, earthy scent, closing her eyes and inhaling. She could see the outlines of all the crevasses and curves of rock she had analysed before falling asleep, the exact hole they had kept their canned food in, the flat earth where they repeated their Paradise mantra. She took off her gloves and felt along the wall, the rock cool and rough beneath her hand.

Her fingertips ran along something, some carvings in the rock. She came to a stop, her eyes focusing on what she felt beneath her hand. She inhaled slightly, leaning in to inspect the inscriptions. _Paradise,_ she remembered, a lump forming in her throat. They'd drawn these cave drawings about six years ago now, their depiction of Paradise. Tiny engravings of little flowers and dogs and triquetras and boats. They'd scratched them into the wall with sharp, chalky rocks. It had been Noah's idea, a distraction after Elisabeth had had a particularly rough night. How could she have forgotten them? Her eyes stung and moistened.

Elisabeth headed in Noah's direction, and she still knew her way through the winding tunnels as well as before. She found him quickly, as he was squeezing back out from the smaller passageway which led from the Passage door. Clearly, the Passage had not opened, but at this moment, Elisabeth was not thinking of travelling.

Noah shone his torch at her as she barrelled towards him, and she was momentarily blinded. _Come look what I found,_ she signed when she regained her vision, grabbing Noah's wrist before he could even put on his jacket and gloves again.

Elisabeth led him back to their old habitat, and scrutinised the cave wall to present what she had found. Noah stood beside her, eyes narrowing as he searched. _There!_ She mouthed, and pointed excitedly. She looked sideways and up at Noah, his angular face illuminated in the white torchlight. She watched, heart full, as his sharp features softened while he reminisced.

She turned off her torch, not wanting to waste the battery; her eyes adjusted to the obscurity. Like a fox, she thought, smiling to herself. Noah stepped forward and reached out with one hand to touch a small boat he had carved all those years ago. _An Ark,_ he had explained to Elisabeth, who had been trembling like a leaf from a nightmare. _To honour my namesake. I will lead us both to Paradise, and all your bad dreams will be forgotten._

These cave drawings had been for her benefit. As Elisabeth observed him with the carvings, the weight of all Noah had done for her hit her again, but this time it was not guilt she felt. It was gratefulness, white-hot and pure. He had protected her, comforted her, laughed with her. Shared sorrow and faith and knowledge and embarrassment and _joy._

How could she blame him for worrying about her when he had seen her through years of tragedy and trauma? When he had shown her love and devotion, which he never showed for anyone besides Adam, in an environment where love did not exist?

Where would I be if he was not here with me? She wondered. _Who_ would I be?

Driven by her intense gratitude, an overwhelming urge took hold of Elisabeth, and she rushed forwards. She wrapped her arms around Noah from behind, her face pressing against his back, snaking under his arms and clasping around his chest. She felt his surprise at the embrace as he dropped his torch, shadows enveloping them. She fought the urge to pull away as his body tensed in confusion. She wasn't letting go yet. Elisabeth could feel the thudding of his heart through his shirt, under her hands on his chest.

She held him tightly, tighter than she ever had, and felt his breath falter under her compressed cheek. Like frost melting in her palm, he relaxed into the embrace, and Elisabeth held him, feeling his heart and breath, arrhythmic and deep and human. His earthy scent in her nose, the firmness of his chest beneath her palms. _Paradise_. She peered up around his shoulder to see his face, cast in shadows.

Elisabeth realised then that Noah had his eyes closed, a crease between his brows in a slight frown. His head was turned to the side as if to concentrate, to savour the sensation, his ashen hair drooping over his forehead. Elisabeth ignored that familiar heat pooling within her core as he inhaled deeply, then shakily exhaling a puff of mist.

When she felt his hand rise, she was sure he would pry her off him, and her heart stuttered. Elisabeth's breathing hitched as he instead, so carefully, rested his hand over hers, his calloused palm flush on the back of her hand. She felt girlish butterflies in her stomach as he tentatively brushed his fingers over her dry knuckles, and Elisabeth felt his pulse quicken to match hers, as if he had not touched her hand or hugged her a hundred times before.

But they had never hugged like this.

No one could harm them here. It was as if they were suspended in time, there in the cave. She wished this moment could last forever.

But wishes were not always granted. Noah broke the hug, broke the spell, and turned to face her; she could just make out that his eyes were moist in the dim torchlight. Elisabeth took less than one step backwards, her heart in her throat. They spoke no words for a heavy few seconds.

 _What was that for?_ Noah signed, smiling, but Elisabeth could see the ghost of intense feeling in his eyes. She wished she could tell what that feeling was.

Elisabeth responded after a few seconds of staring at Noah, mouth open. How to form words. _I just wanted…_ she signed, _I wanted to say thank you. For everything you have done for me, and for Sic Mundus and Adam. For Paradise._

Noah's chest swelled as he received her words. He looked down at his torch, avoiding Elisabeth's eyes. They rose to meet hers again.

 _Not for them,_ he signed, his face grave. _Only for you._


	16. Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> November, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Hannah and Ulrich didn't deserve the rain trope and we deserved Max Schimmelpfennig laughing while wet

Noah was at the lake again, seeking guidance. His mind was clouded, and he could not concentrate on one single thought. What he did manage to grasp in his fatigued psyche would slip away as quickly as it came. Sometimes, it felt like Adam had abandoned Noah. Noah had followed the few instructions Adam had been given. _Find Elisabeth Doppler_. And he had. That rainy day in the Kahnwald house, when he had been endeared to her immediately as she wrote on her notepad. _Teach her._ And he had, imparting Sic Mundus' teachings in the most interesting way for her as he could muster. _Protect her._ And he had. And he always would.

But what then? He knew he would grow to care for Elisabeth; that was inevitable. But his level of adoration had not been something Noah had intended, nor expected. But how could he not? Thoughts, fragmented like glass, swirled through his mind.

_Does loving her disrupt the plan? What is the Plan? What is right? What do you want?_

_What do I want?_

Noah did not know the answers. He had told Elisabeth that all he did for her, was for her alone. Even the secrets he kept from her were for her own safety. Everything was for her. Not for the Plan, not for Adam. And he had never meant something so sincerely as those words.

He pulled his scarf up to cover his face. It was bitterly cold, and his nose wrinkled as he inhaled. He closed his eyes as he recalled Elisabeth's hug in the cave, the sensation of her arms around him, her warmth, her hands. And he knew. She loved him, too. Familial or platonic or spiritual or otherwise, it was unspoken but reciprocated between them, pure and unadulterated. But Noah was not pure. No human was free of sin, and all evil he had done was for the Plan. But his sins never left him.

Would Elisabeth still love him if she knew what his hands had done?

Noah had not loved anything outside of Sic Mundus for so long. Noah had not had anything to lose when following Adam's orders to travel to 2020.

For the first time since he had killed his father, Hanno Tauber was afraid.

\-------

Elisabeth was shaking out her coat in front of the cabin when Noah arrived back, and she grinned when she saw him. She had her fox beanie on today, and it paired awfully with the long, khaki waterproof jacket. Noah's tumultuous, conflicting thoughts faded as he pulled his mask down to smile back. She was a remedy.

They had been closer since the hug. Noah had decided it would be easier to ignore any profane thoughts if he just behaved as Elisabeth did, with freedom in their friendship. Their bond revealed itself in small ways- giving each other their portion of food, standing up for one another when Jonas or Claudia dismissed Sic Mundus, helping each other down from the tops of ruins with a guiding hand, a leg up onto a lookout.

Jonas suddenly appeared from the bunker, blue eyes shadowed with fatigue. Noah raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Hey," he greeted them.

Elisabeth waved, and Noah bobbed his head in greeting. "Hey."

"Claudia has disappeared again. Any idea where she could be?" asked Jonas.

Noah gave a hard, humourless chuckle. " _keine Ahnung._ Not a clue."

Jonas turned to Elisabeth, and Noah watched as he signed 'where' and mouthed 'Claudia.' Elisabeth beamed at his effort, and shook her head in response. Jonas had picked up a few signs, which was kind of him to do. Noah held a silent disdain for the effortless goodness Jonas seemed to exude. He refused to believe it was envy.

"We're going to collect some supplies," said Noah. "You can come if you like."

Jonas shook his head. "I've got to work while Claudia is away."

"I'll be there later," promised Noah, "I have some more ideas." He had to find the right contraptions first, though.

Jonas smiled wanly. "Cool. I'll see you later, then." He looked to Elisabeth and waved goodbye, nodding at Noah. "I think it's going to rain later," he warned, pulling his hood up. He headed in the direction of the Plant, his figure disappearing down what had been the driveway. Noah looked to Elisabeth, who was zipping up her jacket and pulling her scarf over her head to cover her face.

 _Ready to go?_ Elisabeth signed, pulling off her beanie and placing it on the patio. Noah nodded. They were going to gather supplies and hopefully some useful materials from some nearby locations. They'd seen some car skeletons that they had not scoured, near what was left of the church. Elisabeth also said the aged care home had a lower level that she said she had discovered when visiting her grandfather, so they would go and scavenge there too, and the ruins of the library.

They donned their coats and pulled up their masks, slung their packs over their shoulders, and left.

\----

They sky was ominous, dark grey clouds, almost black, converging over Winden and its surrounds. Elisabeth and Noah trudged in unison towards the graveyard and the ruins of the church. Noah waited up for Elisabeth, who hated being slower than she used to be because of her leg.

On the forest road leading to the church, they found the old car skeletons that they hadn't explored. The graveyard and church were almost always desolate, according to Jonas, and Noah often grew sad at the idea that the church had been all but destroyed. As they approached, Noah counted three cars, the windows punched out, the roofs scrunched in. "I'll take that one," Noah said and signed to Elisabeth, pointing to the furthest car, which might have been red once upon a time. Elisabeth gave a thumbs up, claiming the car closest to her.

Noah put his pack down by the side of the backseat door. He immediately popped the hood of the car, excited. He loved how the machinations all worked together to create this vessel which could transport a human from one place to another, and without a horse! Apparently, everyone had one, too, not just the wealthy. That always amazed Noah.

A lot of the car's interior had already been taken, but there were still parts left. Noah rolled up his jacket sleeves and reached in. After a bit of a struggled, he extracted a tube and some boxes, which he believed were called fuse boxes or filter boxes. His gloves were filthy with oil as he went to put the parts in his pack.

A light rain had started to fall, and the air had taken on an electric quality. While Noah carefully placed the car parts in his backpack to avoid them getting too wet, something inside the car caught his eye. The back seats had been torn out, but the front and passenger were still attached; but it wasn't the seats that captured his attention. Under the passenger seat, the corner of something poked out, a small white corner of an object.

Curious, Noah opened the door, and pulled out the object carefully with both hands. It was square, the size of a small box, and heavier than he thought it would be. He turned it over, entranced. His heart leapt when he found a big glass lens on the front. He recognised the lens, even if he did not recognise the exact contraption. It was a camera. Filthy, but intact.

"Elli!" Noah called out eagerly before he remembered she wouldn't hear him. He couldn't believe he would still do that. He jogged over to the car Elisabeth was searching, holding the camera as if it were a precious gemstone. She looked up from the trunk as Noah presented his discovery.

Noah's heart swelled as Elisabeth's hazel eyes fell to Noah's hands, widened, then rose back up to his in an expression of pure joy, her mouth falling open. He had been more excited for her reaction than the object itself. _Camera!_ She signed, then made another sign. Noah did not recognise the second sign. He cocked his head slightly. _Print_ , Elisabeth mouthed and signed. _It prints photos. It's called…_ she pulled out her notepad. _Polaroid_ , she wrote. She stepped closer to him, and Noah handed it to her. Elisabeth turned it over in her hands, then put it up to her eye and pretended to click. _Like this._

Noah was enthralled. "Polaroid." He tasted the new word. As he said it, a deep, low rumble of thunder reverberated around them, vibrating beneath their feet. Elisabeth must have felt it, because she immediately took a step closer to Noah.

 _We should find shelter quickly_ , she signed, as fat raindrops began to create music on the car hoods. Staying out in this rain too long made your skin sting slightly, even with heavy jackets. It wasn't deadly, but it caused discomfort and had to be boiled and decanted to drink. Noah nodded, gesturing for her to bag the camera and whatever else she had found. He ran back to grab his pack, then gave an 'okay' symbol to Elisabeth.

They began walked rapidly up the forest road in the direction of the church ruins, when a loud crack of thunder made Noah jolt. Elisabeth sensed it, and Noah grabbed her hand, and they began to run as the rain slammed down onto them.

Elisabeth was still not as fast she had been prior to her injury, but she managed a good pace despite her leg and the slippery mud. Noah tried not to 'baby' her, as she had put it, letting her decide the speed. The ruins of the church appeared in the middle distance, and they sprinted as a flash of lightning illuminated the black, convulsing sky.

Noah knew the directions to the church better than anyone, even with no visibility in the sheets of falling rain. They finally reached the dry wooden decking beneath the shattered steeple, the awning protecting them from the deluge as they leant their backs against the doors, panting heavily. They pulled down their face scarfs, their wet, gloved hands still interlocked.

Noah pulled his hood back, his hair soaked completely. He looked over to Elisabeth, and she did the same, as if in synchronisation. She looked as bedraggled as he felt, her blonde hair pasted to her face, her cheeks flushed with exertion. She was radiant.

Her face contorted with amusement as she looked at him, silent chuckles racking her shoulders, and he imagined how sodden and unkempt he looked. Noah could not stop the laughter from escaping him, deep and throaty.

Noah's laughter slowed as he watched Elisabeth laugh. He had not laughed half so much for the first seventeen years of his life as he had in the eight years he had known Elisabeth Doppler.

He felt a desperate urge to embrace her as she had him in the cave; her gratitude for him, in Noah's eyes, paled in comparison with his for her. Elisabeth's eyes were soft, boring into his. What do I want? The question from that morning returned to the forefront of his mind. The beginnings of words formed on Noah's tongue, begging to be spoken, until Elisabeth's brow furrowed as her concentration drifted elsewhere. She broke the eye contact and released her hand from his, and Noah exhaled. He had not realised he had been holding his breath.

"What is it?" He signed, slightly relieved. Slightly disappointed. Elisabeth licked the corner of her lips, catching a droplet of water on her tongue. "Don't do that," Noah chastised, "it's not...

 _It's okay_ , she signed, her eyes widening in excitement. _It's all over us and there's no itching or burning_. She pulled her coat sleeve to her mouth and licked.

"Elli!" Noah tried to pull her wrist away, but she shook her head, sticking her sleeve into his mouth. "Pah!" He tasted rainwater in his mouth, and it tasted… normal.

 _It's clean_ , Elisabeth signed, her eyes welling with tears. _Finally, it's completely clean, it's clean, it's clean!_ She kept on signing, and Noah took a step forward to cup his hands out from under the church awning. The droplets thudded into his hands, and she was right. There was no slight black residue, no itching. Carefully, he put his glove to his tongue, and turned to Elisabeth.

 _You're right_ , he smiled, but before he could finish, Elisabeth pulled off her pack and flew past him, into the graveyard. "Elisabeth!" he yelled, knowing it was useless. She stripped off her top coat, revealing the slightly less dense one beneath. Noah felt a smile creep onto his face. His voice dropped to barely more than a whisper. _"Elisabeth."_

She was unleashed like he had never seen her. She jumped in puddles, kicked the water, pulled her hood back to feel the rain on her face, let the droplets form rivulets down her face, sprinkle her eyelashes. He remembered her telling him years ago; _I love the rain._

Noah was awestruck by the vision of her. He was frozen to the spot, heart in his throat. He had never seen anyone, let alone a lady, behave with such abandon. Free, and joyous, and reckless. He wished he could stand there and watch her forever. She reached her arms out and smiled widely with her eyes closed, her crooked teeth bared and beautiful, and Noah, without thinking, reached into his pack.

He pulled out the strange Polaroid camera, and mimicked what Elisabeth had done earlier, holding it up to his eye with his finger over the button. He could see Elisabeth in the rain through the little hole, pure bliss as she found a new puddle, wet blonde hair flying around her.

Hanno aimed the camera on Elisabeth, and clicked the button.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep commenting, they mean the world!


	17. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> November, 2028.  
> TW: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, PTSD, FLASHBACKS AND PANIC.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love y'all.

Elisabeth was bored, and freezing. She had read as much as she could muster while the others worked in the Plant, but she wanted to get up and move her body. It was bitterly cold, and she was wearing Noah's coat over the top of hers, as well as Franziska's jumper and her fox beanie. It was the first time in a long time that she had plucked up the courage to wear Franziska's jumper; eight years later, it still sometimes induced awful flashbacks. The metallic taste and smell of blood, the hungry black eyes of the monster, the rock in her hands, the knife in her dad's neck. But it also reminded her of the silkiness of Franziska's silky hair, the scent of her parents' fabric softener, and hugs after her and Franziska made up. She wondered if her hair still smelt the same, wherever she was.

Jonas, Claudia and Noah were trying to get as much research done as possible, as they had found out recently that what was left of the government was going to put walls up around the Plant, and a lot of its surrounds.

Claudia said that she knew some ways in through the caves, so it was not too much of an issue, but they would have to be twice and careful. Elisabeth did not know whether to feel relieved at the concept of the God Particle being hidden, or scared, because it might be the only way for the Passage to open. To reach their Paradise.

Her thoughts drifted to Noah, as they always did, inevitably. Their embrace in the cave had made him less afraid of causing any discomfort in their friendship, and Elisabeth longed to touch him in such a way again. Remembering it gave Elisabeth tingles all over. Thank god he had not noticed the time Elisabeth touched herself, because that would have definitely confused him; frightened, even. Noah would always be guarded, but at least their bond was stronger than it had ever been. Their closeness did make it hard for her to control her crush, which she had accepted long ago.

She recalled the day a few weeks back when she had danced in the clean rain, and how he had been watching her. His wet hair and blue eyes as they laughed at their bedraggled state, their hands interlocked. Elisabeth was afraid. She didn't know how to stop the crush from growing more intense and more serious. She didn't want to even think of it as a crush, because it was so much more than that.

Elisabeth jumped slightly as Claudia appeared by the log she was sitting on. Her hazmat suit was halfway down, long greying hair tied back. She looked down at Elisabeth with her astute blue-and-brown eyes. She nodded in acknowledgement of Elisabeth, and Elisabeth returned the gesture, trying to match her gravity. Elisabeth, despite Noah's suspicion, liked Claudia. She was shrewd and clever like Elli, but there was also a sadness in her eyes from the loss of her daughter, Regina.

Claudia Tiedemann, even with her massive intellect and possession of a wealth of knowledge, did not know how to communicate with deaf people; that much was clear. She tried today, though, which Elisabeth appreciated. Claudia awkwardly gestured to inside the Plant, talking, no doubt very loudly and slowly. What Elisabeth caught on her lips was that the boys were still inside, and Claudia wanted to get some fresh air.

Elisabeth put her book on the ground and moved over on her log to offer a seat to Claudia, who blinked at her, taken aback. She nodded curtly in thanks, and sat carefully beside Elisabeth, who was thrilled to finally have a proper interaction with her. Curiosity, as always, got the best of Elisabeth. She turned to Claudia, whose eyebrows knitted together in surprise as Elisabeth pulled out her notepad. She unstiffened slightly, patient as Elisabeth scrawled on her paper, her stiff, cold fingers struggling.

She showed her note to Claudia. _'You owned this plant, didn't you?'_

A ghost of a smile crossed Claudia's face as she'd she bobbed her head. Elisabeth tried to write quickly. _'Did the men like that back then? A woman being in charge?'_

The line of Claudia's mouth curled upwards. She gestured to Elisabeth, _can I…?_ Elisabeth obliged, but she knew Claudia had her own notebook- she had seen it. It was identical to her dads old one, with a triquetra on the front. She had noticed Claudia's years back, and realised that her dad had known more about Noah and Sic Mundus than he had let on. She handed it to Claudia, remembering when Noah had written 'cave' all those years ago.

' _A few of the men didn't like it,_ ' Claudia had written in response, _'but they didn't have a choice.'_

Elisabeth grinned at that. She took the notepad back. _'I used to want to be in charge of something when I grew up,'_ she wrote back. _'I used to like bossing people around. My sister told me I was good at it.'_

The older woman considered Elisabeth for a moment. _'You still can be,'_ Elisabeth read her lips. Claudia pointed to Noah and Jonas, and Elisabeth looked at her quizzically. Claudia wrote again, pursing her lips. _'Men need to be led more often than they think_.' She thought for a second before writing. _'he would follow you anywhere.'_

Elisabeth felt her stomach flutter, those excited tingles returning. Her words echoed Jonas'- 'he would do anything for you, though.' Could she tell how Elisabeth felt? She cocked her head. Claudia paused, then wrote, considering her words carefully.

' _But always remain vigilant around him.'_

Elisabeth's stomach flipped. What on earth did that mean? Was that a warning? _Why?_ She mouthed, and Claudia didn't respond.

Damn her curiosity. Elisabeth felt a ball of frustration, verging on annoyance, burn in her belly. She didn't shy away from Claudia's gaze. Please say more, Elisabeth's eyes ordered. But Claudia did not elaborate. Elisabeth huffed, realising Claudia was probably just looking out for what she perceived as a young, disabled girl who lived with a time-travelling, cold-eyed young man from 1921 who was prone to fanaticism and zealotry. Claudia didn't know the story of Elisabeth and Noah.

Elisabeth decided it would be best if she simply dropped it. She changed the subject. She snatched the pad back, and wrote. _My granddad loved you a lot_ , she wrote. _He talked about you before he got sick._

Claudia frowned momentarily before remembering. _Helge_ , she mouthed, and Elisabeth nodded.

 _Ja._ As she nodded, Elisabeth's nose began to run in the cold, and without thinking, she brought the sleeve of her jumper up to wipe it, Franziska's scent in her nose. At the same time, Claudia leaned across to examine Elisabeth's choice of book, and Elisabeth caught a whiff of Claudia's breath, the scent of beans or meat.

Something inside Elisabeth went cold.

The mixture of senses overwhelmed her. Franziska's jumper with its subtle Franziska scent, the hint of blood that never washed out, the sensation of wool on her skin, Claudia leaning in close to her while they sat, the scent of hot food on hot breath… it all combined into a sickeningly familiar scenario.

 _No_.

It had been months, maybe even a year, since the last one.

_Not now, not with Claudia._

Elisabeth's eyes glazed over, her tongue leaden in her mouth. The blood drained from her face and she froze to the spot, ice in her stomach. Her hands were tied behind her back, immovable. Rope rubbed her wrists raw. The caravan stank of cooking food and blood and sweat.

Her throat closed over as she saw it was no longer Claudia by her side. the Monster sat beside her on the log, breathing hot, rancid air in her face. Elisabeth's breathing sped up, her heartbeat in her ears, and suddenly Claudia, the Monster, reached his smarmy, hairy hand to rest on hers and she was lost.

His fetid, immense weight was on top of her again, his hand between her legs, digging… she writhed, trying to escape, but she couldn't. Her body was stiff. She was helpless.

Between flashes of the Monster, his smell, his body, Elisabeth's world was a blur of trees and grey clouds and yellow hazmat suits. She tried desperately to ground herself, digging her fingers into the wood of the log beneath her until it splintered. She could feel herself beginning to hyperventilate, and Elisabeth tried, desperately, to use the breathing techniques Jonas had taught her a few years back, but she could barely conjure a lucid thought.

Jonas' face, distorted, appeared in front of Elisabeth. With all the courage she could muster, she shook her head, _'I'm okay, I don't need help_ ,' but Jonas was shoved aside by Noah, who yelled something at him.

He was blurry, and half-dressed in a hazmat suit, but Noah was there and he was kneeling in front of her and he knew the drill. Elisabeth, dissociating, hazily watched as he signed.

 _Paradise is free of pain and sorrow_ , he signed, and Elisabeth drew on every ounce of strength she could to focus on him, his blue eyes and his fast hands, not the Monster sitting next to her. _Everything we've ever done is forgotten there_.

She kept her eyes on Noah, a focal point, tethering her to Earth. _Any pain that we've felt is erased._ Her choking breaths began to deepen, and bit by bit, the caravan disappeared and she was in the forest again, and it was Claudia and Jonas standing nearby. As Elisabeth came to, her exhaustion and fear mingled with a vague sense of shame.

She was still not entirely in her body. Time had no meaning, or space. Somehow, at some point, Noah got her back to the cabin, her feet dragging and her energy drained. She was exhausted as they entered the doorway, and her legs were weak as Noah gently helped her down onto her bedroll. Elisabeth felt herself slowly returning to her body, and she sat listlessly holding an apple he had given her, while he helped her take off her coat, her beanie, her boots. He did his own quickly afterwards, then carefully sat across from her.

He took the apple from her hands and placed it in her lap. _Lift your arms,_ he signed, and Elisabeth, fatigued, followed his instructions. A flash of energy returned to her as he awkwardly lifted Franziska's jumper over her head. Her tiredness gave way to embarrassment, and gratitude, and even other primal reactions. Bodies were strange; even after panicking, hormones were rife. But the strongest emotion was love.

She realised Noah's expression was purely concerned, and not at all pitying, as he tossed the jumper across the room. She appreciated that more than he would ever know; she had never, ever wanted to be pitied, nor babied. She wasn't a child, and he may be helping her, but he knew that it wasn't because she couldn't do it herself. He knew the smell of the jumper would remain on his hands.

Elisabeth lifted her weary hands. _Thank you_ , she signed. She wished she could say more, but she was so drained.

Noah shuffled closer to Elisabeth, eyes serious, Elisabeth's heart was in her throat as Noah reached, uncertainly, to hover beside her face; similar to how he had after her nightmare. Her breath caught in her throat, and Noah drew back.

 _No._ Elisabeth grabbed his hand fiercely, pulling it back to her cheek. He laughed softly, and Elisabeth felt it through his hand, and smiled tiredly. God, he felt so good. She closed her eyes, covering his hand with her own. The roughness of his thumb stroking her cheek elicited a heavy sigh. Paradise. Mechanically, she lifted his other hand and placed it on the side of her neck, his skin warming hers. Noah's fingers curled to scratch the soft skin beneath her jawline gently, and Elisabeth knew she made a sound at the sensation. She didn't care.

When she opened her eyes, lids hooded and heavy, she searched his face, his pale skin, his dark eye circles that enhanced the blue of his eyes, his sharp cheekbones, the beauty mark on the right side of his nose, his pink lips.

He was so _close._

Elisabeth did not think as she leant forwards. Before she could stop herself, her lips met the skin of Noah's cheek, as he quickly turned his head to the side, his hands releasing from her face.

She opened her eyes as her lips brushed his cheekbone, realising what had happened. She breathed shakily, and realised Noah was looking downwards, that crease of concentration appearing between his eyebrows.

Elisabeth drew back, swallowing. _I'm sorry_ , she signed, _I just..._

She just what? She might have made things completely uncomfortable again. Idiot.

Noah seemed to drag his eyes to meet Elisabeth's, but it was a struggle. Elisabeth felt her heart sink. _Don't be sorry,_ he signed, and the reassuring gentleness of his expression calmed Elisabeth almost immediately. He seemed to be at a loss for words. _I've kissed your hand before. You're tired, and grateful. I understand._

The tiredness had nothing to do with it, but Elisabeth sighed with relief. He had not realised she hadn't been aiming for the cheek. Or had he? Her thoughts were interrupted as Noah leant forward, and Elisabeth held her breath as he pressed a gentle, dry kiss to her cheek. She closed her eyes, exhaling. It was, as their touches often were, too short.

When he pulled away, his eyes were glimmering. _See?_ He mouthed, reaching up to scratch her ear. _Don't worry._ He lingered for a moment too long before he grabbed the apple from Elisabeth's lap. _Eat_ , he ordered.

As he got to his feet, Elisabeth realised.

She didn't just love Noah.

She was _in_ love with Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU THOUGHT, WE WERE SO CLOSE


	18. Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late November, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UghHH, this chapter was SO hard to write. I feel like I need to show my work or have a reference list lol, writing Dark fic is HARD

_Man can do as he wills. Be he cannot will what he wills._

"Noah, be careful. You're too close."

Claudia's words, impossibly relevant, broke Noah's distracted stream of thoughts. He quickly stepped back from near the God Particle. He was annoyed with himself for not concentrating more on the experiments, and it was dangerous to not be completely present while in the Plant, especially considering how dark it was in there.

The God Particle had shrunk again, and Noah, Jonas and Claudia were undertaking a new series of experiments. But Noah's mind was back in the cabin, with Elisabeth.

The other day, Elisabeth had a panic attack. This was not a new occurrence for Noah; taking her through their Paradise mantra helped, and getting her back to the cabin was also their normal course of action if she was struck by an 'attack.'

What was new, though, was Elisabeth trying to kiss him. He had barely had time to react when she leant in. He had turned his head, diverging the path of her lips, unbearably soft, to press against his cheek. He didn't want to embarrass her; she had been in a vulnerable state, and it would have been wrong to let it happen how she had intended. Instead, he had kissed her cheek in return, the way any noble man would.

Noah was glad he did what he did.

Noah regretted he did what he did.

He had been scared of this happening for a little while now. Since he had told her she was beautiful, since she had been hurt and he had kissed her hand, since the start of this damned year, 2028. What was the catalyst for this change in their relationship? Noah had no idea. Jonas had always pointed out Elisabeth's schoolgirl crush, as he called it, and Noah had always waved it away, not even entertaining the thought. Now that he had started to feel things, think things in return, he found it harder and harder to deny things to himself.

Noah turned to the exit of the Plant, too preoccupied to focus. He took off his helmet as he reached the overgrown grey grass outside, shaking his sweaty hair from his eyes.

He sensed Jonas' presence before he saw him. Noah glanced at him as he unzipped his suit, stepping out of it. He pulled his woollen jumper he'd left on a cement block next to the entrance.

"What's up with you?" asked Jonas, pulling off his own helmet.

Noah hated that modern turn of phrase. "Nothing. I'm fine. Tired."

"You can't just be out of it when we are doing experiments." Jonas unzipped his suit, shaking it down to his feet. "Did you and Elisabeth argue or something?"

Noah rumbled, deep in his throat. He almost wished that were the case. "No," he huffed, pulling his dark coat over his jumper, shivering. It was a cold morning, and he shoved his gloved hands deep into his pockets.

"Can I have that?" Jonas reached out an arm out to take Noah's hazmat suit from him. Noah leant down, snatching the hazmat suit from the ground himself. Despite himself, he did want to talk to Jonas.

"I'll help clean," said Noah.

\----------

The boys stood in Claudia's haphazard experiment test site, hosing the hazmat suits down. Claudia was still working, and Noah wondered if Elisabeth was bored or content by herself, reading the new, or old, science fiction book that she had found.

Noah turned over questions for Jonas in his mind. How to phrase them. How to not sound like he was senseless, or 'brainwashed' by Sic Mundus. He supposed Jonas already thought he was brainwashed.

Claudia definitely thought Noah was conditioned by Adam, but she couldn't read his thoughts. He had also proved himself more useful than she had thought when he had given her a coil of copper that he had found in the car skeleton a few weeks back. He was more cunning, defter than she knew.

"Why exactly do you follow Claudia?" Noah blurted out, mid thought.

Jonas sighed. "I've told you. Because she knows what the God Particle is." He dropped his hose and let the water seep over the frosty dirt, turning to stop the faucet. "And there's no one else to follow."

"I suppose." Always the same response. Never an elaboration, always dismissive. Noah swallowed. Here was a way into the conversation. "Don't you ever follow yourself? Your… inner voice?" he continued, as Jonas turned off the hoses. Noah's hose went limp in his hand, and Jonas frowned at him from where he was squatting by the taps.

"… huh?" said Jonas, bewildered.

Noah sniffed, trying to articulate his thoughts. "Your… _older_ self." Noah felt strange asking this, considering he had met older Jonas. He'd even given him a letter. This Jonas didn't know that, though. "Do you have a relationship with him?"

Jonas stood up, the crease between his eyebrows deepening. "A relationship? Like, are we friends?" Jonas chuckled incredulously, pulling his heavy raincoat on. " _Nein._ Adam means nothing to me."

Noah knew Jonas wasn't intentionally trying to inflame Noah, so he ignored the comment. "No," said Noah, exasperated. "Not Adam. The other one. Did he… did he ever tell you what the right path is?" he was nervous. "If you're free or not?"

Jonas paused before responding. " _Ja_. Well. He tried to stop that 'path,' anyway," said Jonas, sitting down on the dirt, clasping his hands around his bent knees. "Clearly it didn't do much, did it? We aren't free. We're here."

Noah didn't want to hear Jonas' lamentations that echoed older Noah's. He sat down on the water tank across from Jonas, and pulled off his gloves. He began picking idly at the dirt beneath his nails. "Did he tell you much else? About what you do in your future?" he asked, offhandedly.

Jonas looked up at Noah, blue eyes suspicious. "He told me about the apocalypse, and how I… he was trying to save everyone," he answered carefully. "Gave me a map. Told me about my dad, in 1986. Talked to me through the door when…" his eyebrows furrowed, and stared directly into Noah's eyes, as if he was reliving the moment. It made Noah uncomfortable. "… when I was locked in the bunker."

"Locked in the bunker?" Noah had never heard about this. "Why? By who?"

Jonas blinked, his mouth opening, then closing, then opening again. "No idea." A lie, Noah knew. When Jonas lied, he did that with his mouth, or blinked a lot. Noah let it pass. He didn't really care that much who locked Jonas in the bunker. "Why? Did yours tell you much? Your older self?" Jonas asked.

Noah nodded slowly, eyes far away. "He only told me some things. He said, if I knew what I… he knew, then I wouldn't do what I must, which is to protect Elisabeth." He plucked up his courage; he needed to hear someone else's thoughts beside his own. "Did you… he… ever tell you what you can and can't do? Or must or mustn't do?"

Jonas frowned, even more inquisitive now. "He told me I couldn't take my dad back to my time because otherwise I wouldn't be born. But that was all part of the cycle, anyway."

"Hm," said Noah.

Jonas unclasped his hands, leaning in. "Are you… doubting things?"

"No!" Noah hissed. "No. I…" he brought his palms to his eyes.

"What?"

 _God._ "It's… it's Elisabeth."

"Okay." Jonas waited. "About protecting her?"

"No." Noah didn't look at Jonas. This was torturous. "She… tried to… I didn't think she would ever try to do it, but she did."

"What?"

Noah sighed heavily, giving up. "She tried to… _kiss_ me." He scrutinised the dripping hazmat suits, analysing their yellow seams.

Noah saw Jonas' eyebrows raise in his peripheral vision. "Oh," he said. "Okay. Well." Jonas puffed out through his nose. "When I said it's okay to want, I didn't think she would be the one to want you." That stung Noah more than it should have, but he thought the same thing. "Tried to?" Jonas continued.

"I avoided it."

"Right."

"She wasn't in her right mind. It was after her… attack." Noah's voice trembled, betraying him. He avoided Jonas' eyes.

Jonas tilted his head slightly. "Wait…" he added the equation in his mind, cogs turning, and Noah felt the blood drain from his face. "Are you asking if it's okay to want to kiss her back? If _that's_ not following the Plan?"

Noah's stomach dropped. _Adam, save me._ "I told you before, and I will tell you again, it's not like that. I raised…" Noah's voice was firm, but Jonas was already laughing humourlessly.

"Believe me, Noah," he said, "If I understand one thing, it's about wanting to kiss a girl when it's wrong in every way."

"I don't want to kiss Elisabeth," Noah lied.

Jonas threw his hands up impatiently. " _Scheise,_ Noah. Why bring up all this older self stuff, then?"

Noah's frustration turned into something new; something deeper beneath the still waters of what he usually portrayed in front of Jonas and Claudia rose to the surface. He couldn't say it. If he said it, it would become real.

He lowered his voice, barely audible. He looked back at Jonas, finding the words. "I think… I'm straying from the Plan. He didn't tell me what else I'm supposed to do after protecting her. I don't know what to do. if I should heed Adam or my own…" _desires. Emotions._ "… words." Emotions, desires. Neither of which were approved by Adam.

But… Jonas would become Adam.

Why _not_ listen to Jonas?

Jonas hummed. "Honestly?" he scratched his arm absently. "Do what you want. I think your older self was right. 'Heeding your inner voice' more often…" Jonas hesitated, "… would be good for you."

"But even the smallest thing could disrupt the Plan, couldn't it? And this is not a minor thing." He dragged his eyes to Jonas'. "I'm…" he couldn't say it. He couldn't. "… I _feel_ things." The words pained him to speak.

"Things can't just disrupt the Plan, from what I know. Future influences the past, too. And for Elisabeth?" Jonas looked at Noah, his gaze piercing Noah's tough outer layer. "Well, yeah. You love her." Noah felt like he was drowning. It was real, now. "Right?" Noah's tongue was heavy, and his silence said enough. Jonas' eyes were thoughtful. Then, they narrowed. "Wait," he said. "You're not… _in_ love with her, are you?"

"No," Noah answered too quickly. His breath was shaking. He had not wanted to entertain those thoughts, that idea. His fingers brushed the Polaroid photograph of Elisabeth in his pocket, spinning in the rain. He thought of her crooked smile, her resolute pouts, the way she skipped ahead of him when they walked. Her curiosity. Her love for books and the moon and her pocket watch. _Little Fox._ "No."

_God save me._

The hint of a smile twitched on Jonas' lips, and Noah prayed he would not push him. "Well, if you're not in love with her, what's the issue?" he said. "I know a lot about love being wrong, and trust me, there is nothing wrong with loving Elisabeth." A beat. "In any way."

Noah's jaw tightened, defensive, but Jonas' words were oddly reassuring. But he was missing the point. "Adam told me, though. _"Only when we've freed ourselves of emotion can we be truly free. Only when you're willing to sacrifice what you hold dearest."_

Jonas laughed hardly, and Noah wanted to hit him. "That ship has sailed, hasn't it? Like I said. You're never free." Jonas' words echoed older Noah's. "You help Elisabeth through her anxiety attacks for the Plan, too, then? Took her under your wing purely for Adam's sake? You're willing to sacrifice her?" Those words sent a chill down Noah's spine, and a surge of pure terror. _"_ What if this is your Plan? What if it is exactly what is meant to happen to you?" said Jonas.

A lump formed in Noah's throat. "That couldn't be so."

"You'd be surprised at what can be, Noah." Jonas shook his head, as if trying to shake away his own memories. "Maybe it is, or maybe it isn't part of your 'Plan.' But… have you ever considered, that maybe… that maybe, you are not as important as you think you are? To Adam?"

Those words were a punch in Noah's gut. His eyes darkened, fists balling at his sides. "Impossible," he growled. "I'm his saviour. He called me Noah for a reason. I will help bring us all to Paradise," he spat, towering over Jonas. Over Adam.

"I didn't mean it like that." Jonas looked up at Noah, unafraid. "and I'm sure you will," he said, and Noah knew he was humouring him. He knew Jonas well enough now. "I meant, what you feel probably means shit all to him." Jonas lifted his hands in submission. "Listen. Do what you like. You love Elisabeth; so? That won't change anything." Jonas stretched his lanky legs out in front of him. "Your older self said to follow him. Follow _you_. So do that! If Adam is me, then I can tell you that following your 'inner self' is probably exactly what he wants you to do."

Noah realised asking Jonas was only leaving him more torn and confused than before. "You don't want what Adam wants," Noah pulled on his gloves aggressively. "You _want_ to change things."

"Then why even talk to me about it? Don't pretend like you didn't want to ask me for permission to feel things."

Noah glowered. "I don't need your permission for anything."

"But you need Adam's." Jonas rolled his eyes. "I don't give a shit what you do, Noah. Do your own thing. Kiss her back, or don't. It'll probably all be a part of the Plan, anyway, right?" he said, defeated. "But if I were you? I'd take all the happiness I could find in this shitty world. Because at least you have it." Jonas' gaze did not leave Noah's. "At least you have someone to love, and who loves you back. You have no idea how lucky you are."


	19. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love you guys, your comments, once again, are my life blood! Your feedback is greatly appreciated <3 Also, pls follow me on tumblr: jonaskanwalds.tumblr.com, (saved that url way back when) I want to be friends with all of youuu

Elisabeth was ready.

Eight years later, she was finally ready to celebrate ' _Weihnachten_ ,' or Christmas, again.

Winden, like all of Germany, loved Christmas before the Apocalypse. In the Doppler household, Franziska and Elisabeth had shared a bed on Christmas eve waiting for _'der Weihnachtsmann',_ or Santa Claus, who was always much taller and leaner than Elisabeth imagined. Elisabeth had been _'das Christkind'_ every year after Franziska grew too old for it, wearing the crown and the long white dress of the 'Christ child,' as she gave out the presents with flamboyance. Even her mum and Granddad could not help but smile when Elisabeth glided the gifts from under the fresh, pine scented tree and into the hands of the recipients. Her fox plushie had been a Christmas gift from her parents, and she would remember the morning snow of that crisp Winter's day every time she looked at it, the hot chocolate her dad made with the cinnamon stick.

Even with her family's underlying problems, Christmas had always been wonderful. Which was why it had been so hard for Elisabeth to even consider celebrating it again after losing them all. Did Franziska celebrate it, wherever she was? Did she think of the hot chocolate?

When Elisabeth had told Noah that she wanted to celebrate it this year, his face had lit up. He loved Christmas, back in his time; the lanterns, the candles, the church ceremonies, the hymns, oranges in his boots when morning came. Sic Mundus didn't celebrate Christmas, so Noah could only vaguely remember the occasion from when he was as young as Elisabeth had been when she first met older Noah.

 _Noah._ Noah, who she had almost tried to kiss, and failed, mortifyingly so. Noah, who protected her when she was at her lowest point. Noah, whom she loved. Painfully, desperately loved.

She already had half a gift in mind for him.

She sat against the wall of the cabin with a lantern by her side, her sleeping bag pulled up around her. Noah was outside, just returned from his visit to the ruins of the Winden Police station that evening with Claudia. The snow that fell in Winden now was sparse, but it was still cold, and Elisabeth grimaced and shuddered as the door flew open, bitter air seeping through the doorway. Her grimace turned to a grin when Noah entered, wearing his knitted jumper and black overcoat.

He kicked off his boots and smiled at Elisabeth, holding up two bags of… _rice?_ Elisabeth signed, eyes wide.

Noah nodded. _Jonas found them in an old storage bathroom_ , he signed. Elisabeth fought a smile at his mistake, and gave two thumbs up.

They broke into their tinned corn and chicken, warming them up in their laps. She watched him stir his corn, his gloves making it difficult for him to move his wooden spoon. She was bursting to ask him. She knew it was early, but Elisabeth was impatient, and excited.

She gave in. She poked his knee with her finger, and he looked up. _Can I give you a part of your Christmas present early?_ She signed.

Noah smiled, confused. He rested his spoon in his can. _We still have a full week_ , he signed. _And I haven't found yours yet,_ he admitted, abashed.

 _It's not an object_ , she signed, eyes pleading. _It's not even a real present. But you'll like it. I think._ She put her can of food by her side, shuffling closer. Noah's expression grew wary as he chewed on his food.

 _Not a what?_ He signed.

 _A thing,_ she signed. _That you can hold._

Noah nodded slowly as he understood. _Not an object._ He mimicked Elisabeth's signs cautiously, and she could tell he was slightly apprehensive. She winced internally at the memory of her post-panic-induced failure of a cheek kiss. She wouldn't make that mistake again, no matter how brave or tired she felt. Or how badly she wanted to.

However, Noah's icy eyes were slowly melting around the edges. Elisabeth could tell he was caving. _Please,_ she signed, _it's not big._ She had already made her decision, and Noah didn't stand much of a chance against her.

The side of Noah's mouth twitched. He made a show of sighing and setting his can of food aside. Elisabeth smirked, triumphant. Noah turned back to her, opening his hands expectantly. _Go on, then._

Suddenly, Elisabeth was nervous, which was not something familiar to her; nerves had not been a part of Elisabeth Doppler until Noah. _It's something he's always wanted_ , she reminded herself, _it makes no difference that it's you_. She sheepishly wriggled out of her sleeping bag, and got to her feet. Noah looked up at her from his bedroll, bemused.

Elisabeth took a deep breath, and held out her hand. Noah frowned, trying to conceal his amusement as she tried to pull him to his feet. He stood up, facing Elisabeth, inquisitive. His amusement shifted to curiosity, his expression gentle. That crease between his eyebrows returned. Elisabeth tried not to let that faze her.

 _Now_ , she signed, positioning herself directly across from him. _I only kind of remember two that Franziska taught me when she practised for her school formal, and I am very bad, obviously, because no music. You can hum if you want._ Noah's mouth opened slightly, his breath creating a mist even inside the cabin. _The first one, you move one leg backwards at the same time I move mine forwards, and repeat the same thing with the other legs, and we move together_ , Elisabeth signed, and comprehension dawned on Noah's face. He beamed at her, understanding what she was doing now. _Then we come back to where our starting positions were._

 _You are…_ Noah's lips moved as his cheeks glowed, and Elisabeth's heart was full. He looked up at the ceiling, then back down at her, teeth bared. He lifted his hands to sign. _You are dancing with me?_

 _If you move can this leg backwards when I step forwards, ja_ , signed Elisabeth, kicking his foot. _Dance with me._

Noah laughed, and stepped backwards. Then backwards again; then forwards. Elisabeth looked up, impressed.

 _You'll be surprised to know that I have seen this one,_ Noah signed as Elisabeth stepped backwards this time back and he stepped forwards, his leg taking the place where hers had been, then returning. _Foxtrot. A fitting name._

Of course. Elisabeth had forgotten that this dance was very old. They fixed their eyes on each other's feet, deep in concentration, laughing every time they messed up the steps and trod on a toe or bashed their ankles together. Eventually, they mastered the footwork, speeding up the steps. They stopped, and Elisabeth gave him two thumbs up.

 _You're better than I expected_ , Elisabeth signed, _but I'm worse._ Noah flushed, a beautiful sight.

 _I wouldn't change it,_ he signed, and Elisabeth wondered if he told her things like that to purposefully make things hard for her. Elisabeth knew it was time for the next step. She stepped closer to him, and his chin lifted slightly. Elisabeth drew on her courage, and his laughter, and the pure fun they were having. Nerves were stupid. _Now._ She gestured for him to raise his hands. _Can I move your hands?_ Her own hands trembled slightly as she signed.

His tight jaw softened, and slowly, he dipped his head in submission. Elisabeth looked directly at his jumper as Noah slowly lifted his hands for her. Elisabeth avoided looking directly at his face- she would lose her nerve if she saw his expression. She could feel his eyes on her face, and her pulse quickened. Carefully, purposefully, she interlocked the fingers of her right hand with Noah's.

The tips of his fingers were freezing where his gloves ended, and Elisabeth wanted to warm them up for him. Instead, she focused on positioning his other hand on her upper back, while she rested hers on his other shoulder. That annoying, persistent heat pooled in the depths of her belly. This would be hard to navigate without her hands, and she knew she would have to look at him to communicate.

They were arms width apart, now, hands interlocked. She lifted her eyes to his when their arms were in position, and she fought to stay focused on what she was doing. His eyes were deep, still pools as he watched her, and the hint of a smile, alongside something else, made Elisabeth smile tentatively in return. She bobbed her head. Noah nodded, then stepped backwards, and slowly, inelegantly, they began to dance around the cluttered cabin they called home.

Elisabeth could feel Noah's breath as he counted to keep in time, and she dropped her eyes to her feet, and they soon got the hang of it. She looked back up at Noah, so serious and professional as he moved his feet. She recalled dancing with her dad one Christmas, on his feet; this was something entirely new. _Or old,_ she thought. The idea of Noah doing this in full 1920s dress made her smile to herself, and she lost her focus, stepping on his foot and leaning too far into him.

Her face bumped into Noah's chest, and they both laughed, and Elisabeth's entire soul was alight as Noah unexpectedly dipped his head and nuzzled her temple with his sharp, aquiline nose. Her heart faltered. Elisabeth was overwhelmed by the proximity, his familiar, earthy scent, but she relished the sensation as his forehead pressed against hers. She sighed in ecstasy. She was warmer than she had been in so long, even in this radioactive winter; she wished, more than anything, she could hear him, what his laugh sounded like, the tone of his voice, his own words, the sounds he'd muttered while they stumbled through the steps.

Eventually, they collapsed onto their bedrolls, puffed. Elisabeth looked over at Noah, capturing the image of his slightly pink cheeks, a lock of ash-blonde hair falling into his eye. He turned his head to look at Elisabeth, smiling warmly, that rare smile only for Elisabeth. _Merry Christmas_ , she signed.

But Noah's smile slowly ebbed away, and something about his countenance changed, something Elisabeth couldn't decipher. That foolish, adolescent glimmer of hope flickered in Elisabeth as she felt his hand brush hers, and she shivered.

What Paradise could Sic Mundus or Adam offer in comparison to this, she wondered. What memories, what pain would she forget? Would she forget the pain of loving Noah? Would the sweet suffering that she was enduring at his gentle, dangerous hands be erased from existence?

She wasn't sure if she wanted to forget such pain.

Her lips mouthed his name. _Noah._

Noah's eyes bore into hers, and slowly, he brought his hands up to sign.

 _Hanno,_ he signed. _My name is Hanno._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all knew this scene was coming!!! Also, is it obvious I was a Jaime/Brienne shipper? This scene is sponsored by Noah's costume in that scene where he saves Jonas from hanging himself. Where tf did he find those clothes


	20. wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short and SPICY

_Hanno Tauber._

_Noah._

Who is Noah?

Who is Hanno Tauber?

Were they two different people, with two different lives? Or were they one and the same, like Adam and Jonas?

Noah wasn't sure.

He sauntered through the forest, reminiscing that dreamlike night a few nights prior. Elisabeth had dragged him to his feet and danced with him. He had never had so much fun in his life. The fact she remembered that it was something he had always wanted to do meant more to him than any material object. Jonas was right; he had no idea how lucky he was until then. The energy had shifted after his dance-induced revelation. _My name is Hanno._

He recalled the surprised expression that had dawned on Elisabeth's features. The flash of hurt behind her hazel eyes, making his stomach twist into a knot. He sensed her apprehension, her questions.

If he wanted to forget Hanno Tauber, what else did he want to forget?

Perhaps, one day, he would tell her. But not today. Not on Christmas Eve.

Elisabeth had gone to the cave earlier in the morning, to check on the Passage, and had told Noah she would stop by Jonas and Claudia at the Plant on her way back. If she wasn't back at the cabin when he returned, he would go and join them, but recently, Noah had become more interested in spending time with Elisabeth. And only Elisabeth.

Noah's thoughts were interrupted as he reached the forest road. The persistent sirens had started again, that distant, unsettling wailing. Metal flying machines with propellers whirred loudly overhead, like loud black birds against the purple-grey sky. Helicopters, Jonas had called them; since the last raid, their presence had increased, and with the walls being built, they dropped off construction supplies in the fields nearby. Noah kept his eyes straight ahead of him as he reached the military tents, which had slowly started to pick up again in terms of production.

Still guarded, the officers at the bollards were less suspicious of Noah than they had been, but still wary as they let him through to trade in some supplies. His and Elisabeth's artillery was running low; he'd have to trade something of worth for some extra rounds if they wanted to go hunting again soon. His index finger brushed the gun in his pocket, beside his photo of Elisabeth.

The hub wasn't the same as it had been before the raid, but there were still some traders; the artillery tent was most likely inoperative, but really, that didn't matter too much to Noah. Noah's priority was to find a Christmas gift worthy of Elisabeth Doppler. 

\----

Noah left the hub satisfied with his finding. It wasn't much, but he was certain Elisabeth would like it; the gift was safely nestled at the bottom of his pack, and he smiled to himself as he pictured her face on being given it. It would never live up to the dancing, though; perhaps they would have to dance again. A slow waltz, he decided, would be a great challenge. He skulked through the forest, taking the shortcut he usually took to get back to the cabin. He wondered vaguely if Claudia and Jonas needed anything from the hub, and if he ought to turn back, but he decided against it.

The wooden shack came into view, and Noah pulled his face-scarf down as he approached. He slung his pack onto the patio, and smiled when he saw Elisabeth's boots by the door. He glanced through the cracked glass window, and froze in his tracks.

Elisabeth's back was facing the window, and Noah's throat tightened as she began to pull her shirt over her head. He quickly averted his eyes, turning to the side of the window, his cheeks reddening. He hadn't seen Elisabeth get changed in a long time; she had always done it in the dark of the cave, or in her sleeping bag, or Noah closed his eyes to give her privacy.

His pulse quickened, and some animal part of him felt the urge to look to check if she was done. He chastised himself. _That is a breach of privacy. Wait for her to come outside,_ he reminded himself. Adam would be disappointed if he followed his human urges. _Not part of the Plan._

Jonas' words, _damn him,_ echoed in Noah's mind. What if Adam didn't care about what Noah thought? Or saw? Or felt?

Besides, Noah wouldn't know if he could enter the cabin until he was sure that she was done changing; Elisabeth couldn't hear him knock, and he didn't want to frighten her. He might as well take a quick look, then turn away before seeing too much. Yes, he would do that.

Noah was not free when he turned his head to see if Elisabeth was done changing. His mouth went dry as his eyes fell on the plane of her bare back, only the straps of her torn grey brassiere covering the milky skin.

Noah had seen women's bodies before, back in his time; buxom prostitutes, or farmer's daughters who found him comely. The freckled barmaid who had lured him to her room in the Inn with a kiss, where eventually his devotion to Sic Mundus overwhelmed him, forcing Noah to push her away. He had even caught glimpses of Elisabeth's body over the years, but never like this.

Elisabeth's body was pale and lithe. _And beautiful_ , Noah thought. His loins tensed as he noticed the new curves indicative of womanhood which swelled from her hips, dipping into her waist and up to her ribs. There were no tattoos on her skin; only scars, bites, a few bruises. He wondered vaguely what it would feel like to touch them softly, as she had touched his tattoo, to trace the skin with his finger.

_No._

Noah knew it was wrong to be looking, but he could not pull his eyes away. He watched, stunned, as Elisabeth lifted her hands to hook her fingers beneath her brassiere, and pulled it upwards, over her head.

_Look away._

He didn't look away. Noah felt a stirring in his pants, mortifying, wanton, when his eyes drifted from the curve of her back as she bent over to pick up her cleaner underwear and shirt. Her breasts, pale like the rest of her, moved enticingly at the movement, and he couldn't pry his eyes away when the pink tip of her right breast came into view. He exhaled shakily at the thought that they had been pressed against him during their hug in the cave, as they danced, and how close she'd been to his own skin when she touched his tattoo. The stirring in his cargo pants gave way to a throbbing hardness, and Noah flushed, ashamed.

He tore his eyes away, shaking his head. This was wrong. He was wrong. He was no peeping tom, yet he had betrayed her trust again, first with his name, and now like this. He could not believe he had done this; Sic Mundus did not condone this, did they? He leant back against the wooden slats of the shack, and groaned in self-contempt.

Elisabeth Doppler made Noah want things he could not have.

God. Did he want _her?_

_No. That cannot be._

But here he was. His breathing grew ragged at the image of her leaning over, wondering how soft her skin was, what it would feel like against his, what it smelt like...

Noah's stomach leapt into his mouth when the cabin door flew open, and immediately crouched down to reach into his pack busily. Elisabeth stood in the doorway, fully dressed in her coat and khakis, frowning at him. Noah's tongue was thick, and he coughed loudly as he rummaged through his pack to find the tinned food he had traded in some cloth for. _Please, don't let her have seen me, he prayed, sickened._

 _Claudia and Jonas didn't want to wait for you to go into the Plant, so I left,_ she signed. She cocked her head, curious. _Are you okay?_

She didn't know. Noah was glad she would not be able to hear the tremor in his voice. His hands shook as he signed, and he prayed to Adam and God and anyone else that they did not betray him, or that she had not sensed his presence. "I was finding your present," he signed and croaked, and he was extremely grateful for the heavy, dense material of his cargo pants, hiding his shame. His cheeks were still hot, but that could be from exertion. 

Elisabeth's face lit up in a silent giggle, but her eyes were still questioning. _On Christmas Eve_ , she signed, her crooked teeth a grounding reminder for Noah that Elisabeth was not to be looked at in such a lustful, earthly manner. The thought only intensified the throbbing in his pants as he knelt, and he tensed his thighs, willing the desirous thoughts away.

 _Ja,_ he signed back, foolishly. Elisabeth frowned again, and Noah held his breath. _You look pale,_ she signed. _Are you feeling sick_?

Noah sniffed, his hand grasping a tin of beans in his pack so hard it dented _. A bit_ , he signed with one hand. I might have a wash and see how I feel.

Elisabeth nodded slowly, frowning slightly. _If you need me to go to Claudia and get some medicine, I can run over,_ she signed, leaning against the door-frame.

Noah wanted to weep. _Danke, Elli._

Elisabeth turned to go back inside, and Noah exhaled heavily.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👁👄👁


	21. Hanno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December 25th, 2028.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EXTRA LONG CHAPTER!! Mainly me just having fun with their dialogue and chemistry, gawd I love them so much. Keep commenting you fabulous people

Elisabeth closed her eyes, waiting expectantly for her first Christmas gift in 8 years to be placed in her lap. Finally, it was Christmas morning. Noah had been acting strange yesterday, almost retreating into that distant behaviour that had occurred after she had touched his tattoo, but he seemed better this morning after a full night's sleep. Elisabeth realised yesterday, after she'd found him crouching on the patio looking utterly humiliated, that he must have either forgotten to find her a present, or walked in on her getting dressed. The latter had happened many times over the years together, but the mere thought that Noah might have had such a visceral reaction to seeing her body gave Elisabeth butterflies.

She was happy to see Noah could push aside whatever embarrassment he had endured yesterday on Christmas day. They'd woken early this chilly morning, and Elisabeth had already given Noah the second part of her gift; a small whittling knife Claudia had given to her. It paled in comparison to their dancing, which she was hoping to do more of if Noah was willing. She recalled their clumsy foxtrot and grinned to herself.

Elisabeth cupped her hands, waiting patiently with her eyes squeezed tightly shut. But instead of something arriving in her hands, she felt something soft and warm being wrapped around her shoulders.

She opened her eyes as Noah sat down across from her, pulling the corners of the soft, cream coloured blanket around her. Elisabeth gasped in pleasure, her hands rising to stroke the knitted wool. Elisabeth beamed, admiring the woven fabric; he must have traded something important for it. Elisabeth looked up at Noah, her eyes welling with tears of joy.

Noah lifted a finger, _wait!_ He uncrossed his legs and leant backwards to his bedroll where their camera was laying. Elisabeth groaned as Noah smiled toothily, urging Elisabeth to do the same. She sniffed, wrapping the blanket more tightly around herself, and she couldn't help but laugh when Noah struggled to get the button to work. The camera eventually flashed, printing a small, glossy piece of paper that had been inside it for years. Noah grabbed it and lay it down on the ground beside them.

 _Merry Christmas,_ he signed, _it's not much, but…_

Elisabeth sprung forward, wrapping her arms around Noah's neck, as she had on her birthday at the start of the year. She buried her face in his neck, and felt Noah's hands hover above her back before embracing her back, his strong arms tightening around her snug, blanket-enveloped body. She forced herself to pull away, smiling tearily. _It's perfect,_ she signed. _I love it._

Noah nodded once, smiling somewhat shyly, and he tugged the blanket over her shoulders to warm her up. Elisabeth watched his handsome face intently as he fussed about her, avoiding her gaze. The scratch beneath his eye, the grease-darkened blonde hair. His scent was on the blanket somehow, and Elisabeth was thrilled for it. His eyes drifted down to her hands. She remembered, now, what else she wanted for Christmas. She wanted a conversation. And now was her chance to request it.

 _Danke,_ _Hanno._

Noah lifted his eyes to meet hers, and Elisabeth swallowed, a pang of nerves striking her. But she wanted to know. She had to. That mildly sick feeling she had felt after the magic of their dance when he had revealed his birth name returned. Hanno Tauber. An identity, a secret. And secrets had almost torn the Doppler family apart. She would not let them tear her from Noah.

She knew Noah. She knew that he loved Sic Mundus and Paradise and apples and farms and drawing and the sun and early mornings. She knew he hated being powerless, and people without faith, and being unhelpful, and when Claudia ignored him. Noah was dark and shrewd and loyal and dangerous and, above all, he was love. That was the young man Elisabeth knew. That was Noah.

But Elisabeth wanted to know more about Hanno, more about the boy who had grown up in the early 1900s. Who had a mother and a father and a sister once, who had Erna and the Inn and who had worshipped God and Jesus Christ, not Adam and the prophecy of Paradise. Who was the boy who had changed his name to follow Adam and Sic Mundus, to travel through time, to find her? Who was Hanno Tauber?

 _Tell me about Hanno Tauber,_ she signed. _For Christmas._

Noah's eyelids flickered, and he licked his dry, pale lips. For the first time since she had met him, Elisabeth saw fear in Noah's eyes, and anxiety. But, to her relief, he nodded. He looked her in the eye, his expression sincere.

 _I'm sorry I didn't already,_ Noah signed. _I wanted to tell you earlier. But I was afraid you would see me differently._

Elisabeth didn't understand how she could view him differently, but she believed him. She could tell he was more nervous than she was, and she didn't want that at all. She pulled the blanket from around her shoulders and shook it out to cover both hers and Noah's laps.

The hesitance on his face lessened slightly, shifting into an earnest smile, and Elisabeth shuffled closer so they had an equal share of the blanket. His entire frame loosened, and he seemed slightly more comfortable now, which made Elisabeth happy. She never wanted him to feel like he was under interrogation, but sometimes her barraging of questions came across that way. She had inherited that trait from her mother.

 _Can I ask some questions_? She signed. Noah nodded, and Elisabeth reached for her notepad. Noah took the cue, doing the same. In writing, her questions could be more detailed. She was grateful Noah was willing to have this conversation.

She had been poring over questions every night since he told her, but she pretended to take a minute to come up with one before she wrote down her first question. _Why did your mum name you Hanno? And when did you change it to Noah?_

 _Hanno means 'gift from god.' It's also because it was similar to my grandmother's name_. Noah could respond to that one in sign-language. He decided to write for the second question. He scribbled fervently, then turned the paper to Elisabeth. _I have been Noah since I was thirteen, when Adam took me in and told me about Paradise and the Prophecy. He told me I would be instrumental in the Plan, and that Noah in the bible is the builder of the Ark which leads to Paradise_. _It's a special name._ Elisabeth nodded as she read. She loved the way his eyes lit up when talking about the Prophecy; his excitement and passion radiated into her. She began writing again. She didn't want to push him so hard that he was uncomfortable, but she wanted to see him, to know this side of him.

 _Do you prefer being called Noah over Hanno?_ Elisabeth signed.

Noah pursed his lips thoughtfully. _I don't know,_ he signed. _They are both a part of me. Which do you prefer?_

Elisabeth thought for a second. _I like both, because they are both a part of you,_ she signed. She noticed as she wrote her next question that Noah's fingers were shaking. She caught his eye and gestured to his shaking pencil. _We don't have to talk keep talking about it_ , she signed, but Noah shook his head.

 _I want to_ , he signed, his face grave. _I really want to._

Elisabeth smiled, her heart aflame. _If you're sure,_ Elisabeth signed back, encouragingly. She had so many questions she wanted to ask him. She wrote the next one on her list. _What was Agnes like, and why didn't you get along?_

Noah chuckled hardly when he read the question, and Elisabeth could tell there was no jubilant sound to this laugh. He wrote for longer this time as he thought hard, then turned his pad around when finished. Elisabeth took the paper from him, her fingers brushing his purposefully. She relished his blush, and read his answer. _Agnes was smart and secretive and irritating. She was pretty and liked elegant clothes that she could not afford. She was cynical and didn't believe in Adam or the Prophecy as much as our father and I, and she manipulated me to do things that went against the Plan. I'd still let her sleep in my bed when she was scared, though._

Elisabeth delighted in the image of Noah and his little sister in one small bed, a parallel to her and Franziska every Christmas eve. She considered his description of Agnes. Elegant and pretty were two words Elisabeth had never associated with her own grey, faceless image of Noah's sister, but she supposed she would have had to have been beautiful if she shared genes with Noah. Manipulative was another word which piqued her interest. She would return to that another time.

 _You would have liked her,_ Noah signed. Elisabeth cocked her head _. She was very stubborn like you, and ahead of her time. I am glad you never met her, because you would prefer her over me._

Elisabeth grinned at that, shaking her head. Not true. She loved Noah; how could she prefer anyone over the one she loved? Especially someone he didn't trust.

 _Do you remember your mum at all?_ She signed.

Noah drew a diagonal line down his face. _She had a…_ he tried to remember the sign for scar, but Elisabeth knew it. She showed it to him. _Scar,_ he signed. _And brown hair._ _She was very kind, and smelt like the woods when it rains. But I don't remember much else._

Elisabeth put the end of her pencil to her lips, trying to remember her next question. That was it. She wrote, then turned her notepad to Noah, who craned his neck to read. _Did your mum and dad approve of you joining Adam?_

This question gave Noah more pause; Elisabeth could sense the hesitation, but she waited patiently as he chose his words carefully. Her fingers traced the wool of the new blanket, and she felt warmth rush through her; she would never lose this blanket, she promised herself.

Noah wrote, then showed her his notepad. _My mother died when I was very young, when Agnes was born. My father encouraged me to join Sic Mundus. He and my mother always followed Adam, even before Sic Mundus as we know it was created._

Elisabeth wondered if Agnes being the cause of his mother's death had anything to do with his disdain for her, and she hoped that wasn't the case. She was surprised to hear that Noah's parents followed Adam before Noah, but it made more sense. This led directly to her next question, one that Elisabeth had always wanted to ask, but never had the courage. Noah had asked her almost the same thing, the night she had dragged herself to the cave. But Elisabeth had never been brave enough, never had the right words, to ask Noah.

She ducked her head and chose her words with the utmost care and tact as she scrawled _. You don't have to answer, but do you mind if I ask when your father died?_ Another word lingered on the blunt lead of her pencil. _How?_

A muscle in Noah's jaw twitched when he read the question, and Elisabeth hoped, once again, that she had not pushed him too far. She felt her heart ache when the rims of his eyes turned pink, moisture pooling in the corner of his eyes. Noah… Hanno… rarely got emotional, and it hurt Elisabeth to see. Elisabeth lifted her hands to tell him it was okay not to say, but he stopped her.

 _He died in 1921. The year I came here_ , he signed, and Elisabeth's breath caught in her throat. She hadn't realised it had been that recent for him. He understood her pain even better than she had thought.

 _I'm sorry,_ she signed. _I didn't know it was that recent._ Noah didn't look up from her hands as he forced a strained, sad smile. _Thank you for telling me,_ Elisabeth signed, and her eyes pricked as she thumbed the blanket over her knees, remembering her father laying one over her when she fell asleep on the couch. She could still feel his large, strong hand stroking her hair. Peter Doppler had died as he had lived; protecting her. Elisabeth's eyes moistened, a tear threatening to escape over her lower lid. _Was he… a_ _good dad?_

Noah's eyes didn't rise from Elisabeth's hands. His chin wobbled, his mouth a firm line. He nodded, and when he looked up, his eyes were red, tears mirroring Elisabeth's. _He was,_ she saw him mouth. He picked up his notepad, stoic, shaking his head before any tears could fall. He sniffed hard as he wrote.

 _My father was a good man_ , Noah had written. _But he lost faith._

Elisabeth frowned as she read the last sentence, and looked up at Noah, whose eyes didn't quite meet hers. She put her fingertip on the word 'faith.' _Did he die for the Plan? For Adam?_ She signed carefully. She'd had no idea; she had thought Noah's father had died of natural causes.

 _Ja,_ Elisabeth saw Noah say. He inhaled and nodded, the side of his mouth trembling. _He did. Just like yours_ , he signed, and Elisabeth swallowed the lump in her throat.

 _Do you miss him, sometimes_? she signed.

Elisabeth could tell Noah was struggling to talk about this, but there was also a sense of reprieve behind his eyes. Noah nodded again. _Sometimes. But I know he is waiting for me in Paradise,_ he signed. _Both our fathers are there, waiting for us._ The thought of their fathers waiting for them together, alive and well, was another Christmas gift in itself for Elisabeth; the reminder that one day she would be reunited with her family with Noah in tow almost made her weep. _My father was strong and gentle, and I could only dream of being as good a father as him,_ Noah continued signing.

Elisabeth blinked, bewildered. This was not something she had ever imagined coming from Noah's mouth. A slow, surprised smile crept onto her face. _You wanted to be a dad one day?_ She signed. Noah's cheeks went pink, and Elisabeth beamed, before remembering what that entailed. Her face fell. She did not want to imagine Noah with a family, because it was something else he had given up for her. _I'm sorry you can't have that,_ Elisabeth signed, the familiar guilt seeping in. Noah shook his head, and she felt his calloused hand snake over the blanket to grasp hers.

With his other hand, he pointed to her, and signed. _You are my family._

Elisabeth couldn't stop the tear streaking down her cheek. For so long, she had wanted to see him sign those words. She relished the sensation of his hand on hers, and her heart skipped a beat when she felt his calloused thumb caress the back of her knuckles. A Christmas gift, she chastised herself. Don't get carried away. Her eyes flicked down to their hands, entwined, and tried to keep her breathing steady. She was desperate to hug him again, but she didn't want their hands to separate.

She watched, in awe, as Noah's hand, almost subconsciously, turned hers to face upwards. Gently, he ran his index finger along her palm, and Elisabeth felt that strange, exciting sensation from that clandestine evening by herself flash in her core. Tentatively, she mimicked the gesture, tracing Noah's palm with her finger. She could see his mouth turn upwards in her peripheral vision as he watched her, her fingertip lingering on his calloused skin. She wondered how these lethal hands, too gentle for all they'd done, could be so forgiving under her touch. _Family,_ Elisabeth thought dizzily. _He's my family._

Curiously, she ventured to the softer skin of his wrist, already knowing she was pushing the boundary.

Elisabeth exhaled when Noah pulled his hand away. They both looked up at the same time, awake. After a moment, Elisabeth found her tongue. _Thank you for showing me Hanno Tauber_ , Elisabeth signed, longing for more. Always longing for more.

Noah's gaze lingered just a little too long on Elisabeth's hands, and Elisabeth wondered what he was thinking. _My pleasure_ , he signed. _Merry Christmas, Elli._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES, IT'S BABY CHARLOTTE'S BLANKET


	22. Hers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> January, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it really Dark until a character wakes up gasping from a bad/sexy dream?

"You've lost faith."

Noah's voice was barely more than a croak. The pickaxe was heavy in his raw, aching hands, but the weight of what he was about to do was heavier.

Brown eyes, aged with world-weariness, glazed over with resignation. Relief. "I've waited a long time for this moment. It's interesting that it's you," his father responded. Noah swallowed the sob building in his chest, a knot of terror that coiled around his ribs. "I hope that the day comes when you don't believe everything Adam tells you. Ask him why he took you in. And why he named you Noah."

He swung the axe, and it entered his father's shoulder like a knife through butter. His lifeless body crumpled to the dirt, and Noah stood over him, weeping as he swung again… but the axe evaporated from his hands as he threw his body forwards with momentum, and it was no longer his father he stood over, but Jonas, a noose tight around his neck.

Noah crouched over him and desperately loosened the rope, and Jonas gasped for air, rolling over onto his back and pushing Noah away. As he rolled, Jonas' face morphed and warped, and now it was Elisabeth beneath Noah, pulling him back in, long blonde hair flowing over her bare white shoulders and breasts. She looked up at him brazenly, and Noah leaned in, but he sunk straight through her and then he was face up on luxurious carpet of Sic Mundus' headquarters, and it was Adam's damaged face that loomed over him.

Then, Agnes, holding a broom. Franziska and Magnus Nielsen, fifty years old, holding hands. Bartosz, holding the pickaxe.

Then, Noah was in their position, and he stared down as blood, hot and metallic, seeped from older Noah's lips, as he murmured a woman's name.

_Elisabeth._

Noah awoke violently, clutching his sleeping bag. He dug his nails in deep, desperate, as he tried to orient himself. He immediately looked to his right to Elisabeth's sleeping bag, finding it empty. His eyes spun to the windows and he saw it was barely even dark out, and all the lanterns were still on. He looked down at his body, and saw he was still fully dressed, Elisabeth's Christmas blanket draped over his torso.

This hadn't happened to Noah in years. He'd lain down to rest for only a minute and had fallen asleep before nightfall. He started as Elisabeth burst loudly through the cabin door, carrying their freshly washed coats in her arms. She looked at him and immediately her eyebrows knitted together in concern. She quickly put the coats on the floor. _Are you okay?_ She signed, coming over to him.

Noah immediately felt calmer, yet guiltier, at Elisabeth's presence. He was disgusted that his subconscious would merge such violent imagery with his visions of Elli. He forced the images away, even more repulsed by his own virility. " _Ja,_ I'm okay," he said and signed. And he almost was, with Elisabeth here. "Fell asleep."

 _Did I wake you from a nap?_ she signed, apologetic. Noah shook his head, opening his eyes wider to wake himself up. They hadn't even had dinner yet.

"You didn't." Noah's tension eased off as he recalled the times he had woken Elisabeth from her naps, grumpy and glowering. She didn't nap as often as she used to, now that she was almost an adult. That knowledge sent fear and thrill in equal measure through Noah's entire being. To redirect his thoughts, he concentrated on what gift he would give to Elisabeth for her eighteenth birthday; perhaps he would draw her something, a portrait of her, or a picture of her mother, or something to do with the Emerald Tablet and Sic Mundus. Maybe he would design her a tattoo similar to his own.

Sic Mundus still had its talons deep in Noah's psyche; the Plan and Adam were eternally on his mind, but now, so was Elisabeth. What more, thoughts of Elisabeth were overtaking Sic Mundus in frequency. Noah knew it was wrong, but he didn't care about that as much as he had, even a month ago. Jonas' words had actually helped him; it was not that easy to upset the Plan, and if Jonas would become Adam, why not heed his advice? Heed his own voice?

Elisabeth turned to their small food cupboard, scrounging around for some dinner. Noah's stomach growled; they hadn't eaten since early that morning, having been busy with Jonas and Claudia at the Plant all day, then stopping by the military tents on their way home. Elisabeth grabbed two cans of corned beef and two forks, and chucked a can to Noah, who smiled gratefully.

They ate in their usual companionable silence with a lantern between them, Elisabeth with a book about the moon cycles balanced on her knee. Noah liked that Elisabeth was fascinated by the moon; she devoured books and information about it as if she was an aspiring astronomer, watching the waxing and waning orb as the months passed, an indicator of time passing. Noah preferred the sun, which also told time; sundials and noon and dusk, rising in the East, setting in the West. But both needed one another, and their light was shared.

Noah watched, amused, as Elisabeth stretched her arm out backwards, book and can still open in her lap. Her hand scrambled blindly for her notepad, hidden in her sleeping bag. Noah raised his eyebrows expectantly at her as she wrote.

She was always eager to talk, which Noah enjoyed immensely, but it also frightened him, because he tended to lose his restraint when telling Elli about himself. He had told her more about himself than he had told anyone; his dreams, his beliefs, his doubts, his life, his _name._ Elisabeth Doppler had seen Hanno Tauber.

But not all of him.

He feared that one day, he might divulge everything to her. The shame, the secrets, the anguish, the dreams, the horror of Noah. He feared that one day, she might see him the way he saw himself.

Noah returned to the present when Elisabeth showed the notepad to Noah. _Can we dance again tonight? Please x 1000,_ it read.

Oh. Noah's stomach turned nervously as he read the words _._ He had been afraid she would ask for this. He had been afraid she'd never ask again.

He was still apprehensive, but he did want to rid himself of the murky dreams and bloody visions. What better way? Last time had been so much fun, so why not do it again? He heard Jonas' words repeating in his mind once more; _I'd take all the happiness I could find in this shitty world._ Noah swallowed the last of his beef, nodding slowly, hoping his sheepish smile didn't reveal his nerves.

Elisabeth jumped enthusiastically to her feet, and Noah could not help but smile as she offered her hand to Noah. _Weak_ , Noah told himself, accepting her outstretched hand. And he was; he was completely, utterly weak when it came to Elisabeth Doppler.

Noah rolled languidly onto his feet, bare on the floorboards. Elisabeth led him to the bare space by the window, where their sleeping mats and packs and cans and lanterns weren't strewn all over the floor.

Elisabeth positioned herself across from Noah, her alabaster brow furrowed in deep concentration. Noah puffed through his nose, amused. "What type of dance tonight, my lady?" he signed, and Elisabeth rolled her eyes, curtsying mockingly. Noah was sure even he'd curtsied better.

 _Slower dance_ , Elisabeth signed, taking a step closer, brazen. _Is that okay?_

Noah swallowed, his breathing quickening as he remembered his dream from earlier. Despite himself, he nodded. He had seen slow dances before; it looked easy. Noah's face grew warm when Elisabeth slid out of her coat so that she could move with ease, revealing her grey t-shirt, the smooth, pale skin of her collarbones, the accentuated hipbone. She turned to him, gesturing for him to relinquish control of his arms. _Hurry up!_ Her raised eyebrows ordered. Noah obeyed, shaking his head with a smile. She was maddening.

Elisabeth slowly interlocked her fingers with Noah's, similar to how they had on Christmas. He hoped Elisabeth didn't notice how sweaty his palm was. Noah inhaled deeply through his nose. Elisabeth pushed outwards, angling their hands out to their right side, and Noah, for the first time in his life, almost felt like a proper gentleman, even in his dirty khakis and scarf. With her other hand, Elisabeth positioned Noah's hand to hover over her waist. She raised her eyebrows questioningly, _can I…?_

Noah licked his chapped lips, and nodded minutely. She pressed his hand gently to her waist, and Noah cleared his throat. He adjusted his torso and legs awkwardly, so he was not standing so close to her. Elisabeth smirked and shook her head, trying to pull him back in. It wouldn't work with such a gap.

Noah surrendered, trying not to focus on the fact his hand was resting on the curve of Elisabeth's waist, tantalisingly soft beneath his hand. He let Elisabeth lead; he could barely remember how to move, let alone lead. Elizabeth toed his foot, urging it sideways, and slowly they began to sway gently from side to side, and Noah hummed to himself, trying to keep a semblance of rhythm and serenity.

"One, two, three…" he counted, but his breath was stolen from him as Elisabeth pulled in even closer to Noah as they moved, the gap between them completely disappeared. He froze as she slowly leaned her head against his chest, her body flush against his.

Noah looked down at her, shocked… but pleasantly so. His lips parted as he let out a shuddering breath. She felt so good. The weight of her against him was comforting in a way he had never experienced. _God_ _help me_ , he thought, looking down at the top of her blonde head. Had he and Elisabeth ever been strangers? Noah wasn't sure that they ever were. That doomed day, that blessed day that he first saw first saw her in the bunker, there was something even then; he hadn't known what, but it was there. Now, he felt Elisabeth's heartbeat, like a rabbit's, against his chest, and he felt as if they were made of the same clay, that prima materia that formed their world.

Elisabeth's blonde hair was still slightly damp from washing earlier, and smelt like wood smoke. He sighed audibly, blissfully, and without thinking, he pressed a gentle kiss to the very top of her head. He felt Elisabeth adjust her hand in his, and he noticed she was as clammy as he was.

He kept his lips on the part of her hair, squeezing his eyes shut. Don't, a part of him whispered, but he did it anyway. His lips trailed down the side of her head, brushing against her hair.This was exactly what he had feared, and exactly what he had desired.

A deep rumble escaped his throat when Elisabeth shivered at the sensation of his lips when they brushed against the soft skin of her temple. Noah tried to ground himself, his stomach quivering as Elisabeth pressed her warm body even more firmly against his, like she was trying to absorb him; he relented, his muscles loosening beneath her. Her scent, her skin, her hair; he wanted it all, forever. When he opened his eyes, his lids heavy and hooded, he saw Elisabeth's eyes were closed, her pink lips parted. He wondered, fleetingly, what they tasted like, what they felt like.

He wondered what she would do if he took her face in his hands and pressed his mouth to hers hungrily. Would her lips open willingly beneath his? Would she push him away and slap him? Would she melt beneath him as he did beneath her? 

They had both stopped dancing, and their hands that had been outstretched in their waltz had fallen to their side, fingers still interlocked. You are never free, Noah's inner voice whispered, as his nose brushed Elisabeth's. Her eyes opened, as if she was awaking from a dream, and he reeled at their moss-green depths.

He realised, then. He was completely hers. Nothing in him was Noah's anymore; it was all Elisabeth's.

He was in love with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so scared I won't get their first kiss right please validate me


	23. Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late January, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love you hype squad

The darkness hummed, the dim, wintry woods illuminated by the strange, purplish moonlight. Noah had a torch and Elisabeth a lantern, but they didn't need them. They knew the woods well enough now that they had their own, secret pathway to the cave, one where they knew they wouldn't cross any other Apocalypse survivors.

Noah had been going on his routine check of the Passage, and Elisabeth wanted to see the full moon, so she tagged along. Her leg had finally fully healed, and they walked side by side, their steps almost in perfect synchronisation so that they wouldn't trip on a root. Elisabeth was entranced by the off-white orb in the sky, looking up through the canopy of trees. She swayed slightly, bumping her shoulder into Noah's side.

Her gloved hand brushed lightly against his, not accidentally, and she smiled secretly to herself, recalling their waltz the previous week. Noah's lips against the side of her head, the deep thrum of his heart. How she had sighed blissfully as his lips trailed along her hairline to her temple. She had hoped something like that would happen; any excuse to get close to Noah, she would take, and their waltz had given her a chance to touch his hands, his chest, even if it wasn't exactly the way she wanted it. She had just been happy that he wanted to dance again, and picturing the gentleness of his gaze and the firmness of his hand on her waist caused warmth to bloom inside her.

They reached the cave entrance, and Elisabeth signed to Noah that she'd stay outside. She wanted to look at the moon for longer; the sky was much clearer than usual, and she thrived on the electric energy it radiated, the strange luminescent glow it emitted over the radioactive landscape. They could see everything.

Noah gave a thumbs up, and Elisabeth shivered as cold air hit her neck. Noah noticed immediately, already pulling his coat off. Elisabeth shook her head, denying his kindness, but he wouldn't hear it. He hung the hood of his coat over Elisabeth's head, loping into the cave before she could try to give it back. Elisabeth smiled, her stomach fluttering, as she grudgingly pulled Noah's jacket over hers.

She searched the grass hillock beside the cave for a bare patch to sit on while she waited. The grass was growing back, and the moon made it glow white. Elisabeth sat on the grassy incline, her neck craned to observe the Luna cycle in its fullest state.

She sighed dreamily, thrusting her hands deep inside her pockets. She stopped when her hands found something delicate and thin, curling in her gloved fingers. Noah's pocket produced a small, glossy piece of paper; a polaroid photo, Elisabeth realised, squinting at it. She hadn't realised he'd taken any besides the one on Christmas.

Elisabeth flicked on her torch to examine it, and her stomach wobbled. It was a picture of her, and one she had never seen. In it, she was soaked from head to toe, her hair bedraggled, but her smile was wide and joyful. She recognised that day by the church, when the rain had tasted clean, and she and Noah had sheltered with their hands entwined.

Why had he taken it? A giddiness overtook Elisabeth. Why did he keep it in his pocket? The possibilities excited her, but she didn't want to get her hopes up as she always did. That just led to disappointment, and embarrassment. But Noah had said he wanted to waltz, and now this picture; it was hard for Elisabeth not to wonder when he made things so difficult.

Noah emerged from the cave, and Elisabeth quickly stuffed the picture back in the pocket. Noah smiled at Elisabeth as he walked over to join her on the hill, looking up at the moon.

 _No change,_ he signed, and Elisabeth shrugged, heart singing as he sat down beside her. He looked at the moon, then Elisabeth. _Your hair looks silver,_ he signed, _like a…_ he didn't know the sign, and wiggled his fingers.

Ghost, Elisabeth signed, and smirked. Noah's porcelain skin glowed white, his eyes black. _You look more ghostly than me._

Noah laughed, leaning nonchalantly back on one arm. He stretched his long legs in front of him, and she wondered how he was not cold without his second jacket. _I used to do this in my time,_ he signed with his free hand. _Agnes never wanted to join me._

 _I did the same_ , Elisabeth grinned. _Franziska joined me, though._ _She liked space, too._

Noah smiled softly, and lay back on the grass. Elisabeth swallowed nervously, but did the same, leaning back on her elbows. The sky was marred by the soft shimmer of radiation, but the full moon and Venus were visible, as well as a scattering of other dimmer stars.

Elisabeth was not focused on the night sky, though. Not when Noah was lying beside her under the stars, and she was wearing his jacket, which had a picture of her in it. She swallowed, looking across at Noah, who was analysing the sky intently, one arm outstretched, the other beside his head. She knew how she'd ask. She eyed his outstretched hand, and with a surge of bravery, she reached into the pocket and pulled out the photo.

She snaked her fingers through the grass to meet his, and she watched his dimples appear as he felt her glove. Then he felt the photo, and blinked, looking down to their joint hands. He sat up quickly, and Elisabeth's palms were slick inside her gloves.

Noah quickly pinched the photo, pocketing it in his undercoat. Elisabeth realised she may have made a mistake, and sat up. _At least ask me to say 'Käsekuchen!' next time_ , Elisabeth signed, but the joke went over Noah's head. _Obviously,_ she thought. They didn't smile in photos back in 1921.

Elisabeth grinned at Noah apologetically, but his brow was furrowed, and the muscle in his jaw twitched, and Elisabeth's stomach fluttered at the intensity of his expression. _I'm sorry,_ she signed slowly, and Noah shook his head, don't be. She could see there was a storm brewing behind those dark eyes, though. _I don't really mind at all._ She made the okay symbol, concerned. He nodded slightly, and Elisabeth thought perhaps it was best to leave it, no matter how curious she was.

Elisabeth began to get up, but before she could, Noah's fingers looped around her wrist. She looked at him and was met with his piercing gaze, and before she could comprehend what was happening, Noah's hand was on her hair, and his dry, chapped lips lightly grazed Elisabeth's own.

Elisabeth's breath caught in her throat, and she froze, her mind going blank. He pulled back after a second, his eyes as shocked as Elisabeth felt. Elisabeth was sure her face mirrored his own. She would wake from this dream soon, one of many in which this had occurred.

But he had never smelt like tinned beef in her dreams, nor had she been wearing four layers of clothing. She didn't understand. _Why? When?_ This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. It was too good to happen in this world. This was the stuff of Paradise.

When Noah leant in again, fire bloomed in her belly, and in other areas, but Elisabeth lifted her hand to stop him, despite every cell of her being screaming at her to do the opposite.

She pushed Noah's chest gently, gawping at him. Noah rubbed his mouth when he pulled back from her quickly, and even in the monochrome light she could see he was blushing furiously. If this _was_ a dream, it was a cruel one, and she prayed she would never wake. If it was real, then… why would he do this? Do what she had wanted him to do for so long, when she thought anything close was an impossibility? When he had made it clear it was not reciprocated in that way? Doubtful, niggling thoughts entered her mind. Her throat grew thick as fear gripped her. Was he toying with her?

 _What are you doing?_ Elisabeth signed, heart in her throat.

 _I'm sorry,_ Noah mouthed rapidly, getting onto his knees and facing her fully. _I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong of me,_ he signed, Elisabeth barely lucid. His face was anguished. _It was because…,_ he signed, trailing off. _Adam…_

Elisabeth's breath was sucked from her lungs, and she felt the forest warp around her. Did he mean… no.

It had been an order, hadn't it?

She was just another part of the Plan.

She retreated from him, getting to her feet. The grass was spongy beneath her, and she wanted the cave to swallow her. Elisabeth struggled to find her words. Her legs were shaking as she looked down at Noah and inhaled deeply, puffing her chest to hide her fear. She tried to stop her hands from shaking as she signed.

 _Did Adam tell you to do that_? _Did Jonas?_ Her face grew hot, a sick feeling churning in the pit of her stomach. Noah's eyes were wide, the whites visible in the moonlight. _Were you waiting until I was eighteen to try something? Is that it?_ She signed too quickly for Noah to keep up, her eyes moistening against her will. _Are you playing with me?_ _Please don't. If it's a joke, or you don't mean it and it's what Adam told you to do, or it's for 'man' reasons_ , _or because I am the only girl around, please tell me. That would be cruel, because you know._ A traitorous tear crept to the corner of her eye. _You know that I've wanted that more than anything._

Noah must have caught most of her words despite the light and her speed, as his expression grew as fierce as hers, eyes ablaze. He got to his feet and shook his head vigorously, stepping towards Elisabeth. _No_ , he signed sharply. _No one told me to do anything, and even if I could dance with any other girl in the world, I wouldn't touch them._ His hands moved fervently, his face grave and sincere _._ _I feel like I am going_ _ **against**_ _Adam._

Elisabeth's lip quivered. How long? Was he lying? She felt like a child again, lost and orphaned and desperate for reassurance. _Do you mean that_? She signed. Please, say yes, she begged internally. _That wasn't something he ordered you to do?_

 _I did it myself,_ he signed. Noah's face was pleading, lips pursed in desperation. _I swear on the Prophecy, on the Passage, it was not something I intended or planned on doing. But it was me alone._ Elisabeth wanted to believe him, but she was afraid. She remained immobile. Noah swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing nervously in his neck. Elisabeth chewed the inside of her cheek as Noah pulled out the photo again. _Why else would I keep this?_ He shoved it towards her. Elisabeth's tear spilt over her cheek as he pocketed the photo again, patting his chest where he kept it. Noah tentatively stepped towards her, eyes shimmering like two black pools. _If you want me to leave and we never talk about this again, I will do that happily_ , Noah signed _. I can live in here and you can stay in the cabin, if you feel like you do not need me there._ Elisabeth's eyes pricked at the idea. _If you want to continue as we always have, I will apologise again and we can forget this happened, and we can be as we were._

The thought of forgetting this moment made Elisabeth's heart ache. She sniffed hard, but every inch of her was vibrating.

 _Is that what you want?_ Elisabeth signed.

Noah's face paled, and after a pause, he shook his head.

_No._

The realisation floored Elisabeth. Adam didn't tell him. He wasn't settling for the little girl from the cave who he had raised.

It was all Noah. Hanno. _Noah._

Elisabeth was not free when she grabbed Noah inelegantly by his scarf and pulled his face into hers, with all the confidence of someone who didn't want to seem like she had no idea what she was doing. Her lips bumped clumsily against his, and Noah began to resist, his lips tight, but then, like molten rock, she felt him melt and yield to the kiss. Flames ignited in Elisabeth's belly. Both their bodies remained static in their disbelief, until Noah raised his hand to place it gently on Elisabeth's hair.

It was messy, and awkward, and still too short. Noah broke the kiss after less than ten seconds, pushing her back gently. Elisabeth's mouth was dry, begging for more. She could barely open her eyes, and when she did, she was lost completely in the shock on Noah's face, his eyes hooded, cheeks pink and flushed. She gripped his scarf, the only thing keeping her tied to the planet.

She held her breath when Noah opened his eyes again, afraid of his reaction. When she saw his smile, Elisabeth reeled, a dizzy ecstasy overwhelming her. A giddy bubble of emotion, teenage and girlish, burst from her, and she knew it had been audible, because Noah wrapped her in a tight hug, and she was safe, and warm, and nothing else mattered. Not the apocalypse, not her pain or her grief or her sorrow, because she had Noah, and he had her.

Paradise was wherever Noah was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what we DESERVED from the SHOW


	24. New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the FIRST KISS! Late January, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's weird but I feel so proud of them lmao my babies are growing up ;__; ALSO I LOVE YOU ALL THANK YOU FOR SUCH AMAZING COMMENTS

_The moon._

_The cave._

_The grass._

Was it wrong? Was it forbidden?

Would Adam be disappointed?

_Elisabeth's scent._

He had killed his father.

_Elisabeth's hair._

He was not good enough for her.

_Elisabeth's lips._

"Noah!"

Noah blinked, and Jonas groaned as the petrol tank ran dry. "Concentrate! When the fuel runs out, you need to tell me, because when it sucks on air it loses power."

"Sorry," Noah mumbled, and Claudia looked up at the boys from where she read her notes.

"The mass should stabilise with enough fuel, but I don't think the amount we have is enough," she said. Noah could not have cared less if he tried. He wanted to go back to the cabin. He'd left early that morning before Elisabeth had woken, and he'd left an apple and a note saying 'going to Plant, see you soon,' and a little picture of a fox and a rabbit. Elisabeth would need space from him this morning, he was certain of that; perhaps he had made a mistake. She might have changed her mind. He needed to plan out how he was going to behave.

He wasn't sure how he was going to face Elisabeth; he had never felt like this, and he was scared he had ruined things, or would ruin things eventually. In the moonlight, in any light, she was so beautiful, and so extremely Elisabeth- his body had acted before his mind had thought. The kiss hadn't been on purpose. But it also felt like the most purposeful thing he had ever done, ever since walking into the bunker in 2020.

Noah exited the Plant with Jonas, and they both pulled off their helmets. "How did it go, then?" Jonas pushed his long, greasy hair back from his eyes.

Noah's stomach turned. _How?_ "How… did what go?"

Jonas smirked, unzipping his hazmat suit. "You've got that look," he said. Noah blanched. "I've seen it before. I've been there. What happened?" Jonas asked. Noah opened and closed his mouth foolishly, lost for words. Jonas continued on. "Whatever happened went well, based on the fact you're here and she's not."

"Don't pretend you know anything," Noah snapped, sharply unzipping his own suit and stepping out of it. It had gone well, but it was ungentlemanly to go into detail. Jonas smiled as Claudia exited the Plant, and Noah shot him a warning glare.

"I'll need to source more fuel for the next set," said Claudia, pulling off her helmet and suit. Her long, greying hair was tied back, her face pensive. "We can't give up hope. We know it will work." She looked between the boys, who nodded, glancing at one another. "Have I missed something?"

"No," Noah answered quickly, and Jonas sniffed back a laugh. Claudia frowned, but nodded slowly.

"I'll see you next time, then, Noah. Jonas, see you tonight." Claudia bobbed her head in farewell, heading in the direction of the Police station. Noah massaged the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

Jonas picked up his suit and gestured for Noah to join him cleaning them. Noah grimaced. Grudgingly, he picked up his suit and began walking with Jonas.

As much as he hated to admit it, he needed advice. Noah could recite the Hermetic texts cover to cover, he knew the Prophecy back to front, he could draw triquetras and Emerald Tablets, he could make ultimate sacrifices for Paradise and he could build tools from wood and move heavy rocks until his hands bled… but Noah was not well versed in this new, unfamiliar, Elisabeth territory. Not like this.

"Whatever you think happened, didn't," said Noah, stepping over a fallen tree trunk.

"I don't think anything happened," said Jonas, lying through his teeth.

"Stop smirking, then," Noah snapped. Jonas pulled his face-scarf to cover his mouth and nose, and Noah did the same.

"Did you tell her you like her? Or did you tell her Adam forbids it, and she got upset?" Jonas asked. "I know. Did you tell her what you've done, or will do?"

"Shut your mouth." Noah hated when Jonas said that. Noah already knew he wasn't a good man; he was cold, and sinful, everything Elisabeth wasn't. Noah scratched the back of his neck with his free hand. "And… the first part. But she figured it out herself. she's perceptive." He kept his eyes on the forest.

Jonas hummed. "Ok? And?"

Noah took a deep breath, and looked sideways at Jonas. "She… likes me, too. I think."

Jonas coughed. "That's been obvious for the last eight years." he clapped a hand on Noah's shoulder, and Noah shrugged him off. "Good. You're taking the happiness that you can get, even if your 'Plan' forbids it. Good for you."

They reached Jonas' camp, and hung the coats up over their washing racks. Noah took his place with a hose, and questions burnt on his tongue. "I…" he swallowed, and Jonas looked up from the water faucet, curious. Noah lost the words. "I… _ah_. I don't know."

Jonas frowned, amused. "Don't know what?"

"Anything," blurted Noah, and Jonas laughed, nodding. "Don't laugh. I have…" he groaned, "I've never… " Noah's tongue was heavy, and Jonas seemed surprised.

"You've never... been with a girl?"

Noah shook his head. "That's not what I mean," said Noah quickly. "I've kissed girls, and almost… _**been** with_ others. But I've never…" Adam's words entered his mind; _Only when we've freed ourselves of emotion can we be truly free._ "… _felt_ like this." Elisabeth was different. With her, everything felt different. Different, and exciting, and _good_. 

"Oh." Jonas' face softened. "Right."

"Yes." Noah bit his lip. _All man's actions are motivated by desire… he cannot free himself from the eternal servitude to his feelings._ "But she's not from my time. I'm not from hers, and… It feels like it should be wrong. But I…" he hated this, but the words were spilling out against his will, "…I would do anything for her."

Jonas smiled a strange, sad smile. "I know the feeling." The water from his hose was running dry. "What will you do now, then?"

"I'm not sure." Noah swallowed nervously, his throat dry. Saying it aloud would make it so, but he had to. "But I kissed her," he croaked.

Jonas' eyebrows raised, shocked. "Really?" his forehead crinkled in thought.

"Yes." Noah's cheeks flushed, and he lowered his voice.

"How did she react?"

Noah paused. "She… kissed me back. But I don't know. I feel like… it's not right. Like it's taking advantage."

"When did that happen?"

"Last night."

Jonas looked at Noah, bewildered. "What?" he turned to the tap, shutting off the water. Noah was taken aback at the tone of his voice. "Man, why are you here?"

Noah dropped his hose, crossing his arms. What did he mean? "I needed to give her space." He frowned. That's what girls needed, didn't they? To have time to pore over things? "And I needed to think… I might have made a grave mistake. We might have made a mistake."

Jonas ignored Noah's laments. "You kissed her yesterday and left her this morning? God, Noah…" Jonas put his hands on Noah's shoulders, and Noah felt like a little boy again. "Go back to her now."

"Now?"

"Just _go_."

\-----

Noah reached the cabin, puffing from his jog back from Jonas' camp. He was stressed; what if Elisabeth thought him heartless? He thought leaving a note would be enough. What if he'd ruined everything yet again? What if he had ruined any chance of them salvaging what they had? Or worse, ruined something new before it had even begun?

He dropped his pack on the patio and steeled himself as he pushed the wooden door open. Elisabeth was sitting on her bedroll, counting out their rations. She looked up at him, eyes wide, and Noah's pulse quickened, his stomach erupting into butterflies. Despite his stress, despite his fear, he could not stop the soft, elated expression that crept onto his face. Adam and Jonas floated into the ether, and it was just Elisabeth Doppler on Noah's mind.

Elisabeth got to her feet, and Noah's legs were weak as their kiss replayed in his mind. He licked his dry lips, and cleared his throat. "Good morning," he signed, his voice a croak. Awfully formal. He was thankful she could not hear the tremor in his voice, but his hands were shaking.

Elisabeth didn't step towards him as she usually would, a strange expression on her porcelain face. In her hand she clutched his note from the morning. _How was the Plant?_ Elisabeth signed with her free hand. She seemed restrained, which was wildly unusual for Elli. Noah prayed he had not destroyed things.

He inhaled deeply. "It was okay," Noah signed. Be strong. "But… I wanted to be here. With you. I'm sorry I left without saying anything. I was…" he realised he had never used the sign for _afraid_ before. He didn't know it. But Noah had never really been afraid before. "I was thinking."

Elisabeth's features relaxed. She shook her head. _Don't be sorry,_ she signed. They stood with the distance of the bedrolls between them, and the pause was pregnant. Elisabeth exhaled loudly, shakily, and Noah's chest tightened in concern. _Was what happened not what you wanted?_ She signed, and his stomach quivered.

"No!" Noah shook his head as he signed. "I mean I did. Want it." God, how he had wanted it. His feet carried him forwards without his control. Elisabeth inhaled as he came closer, guarded. "I am just…" he needed to verbalise it, but he didn't know how with the signs he had. He held up his finger and grabbed his notepad from his bedroll. He wrote hastily. _I am just worried that I ruined something and that it would change too much_ , he wrote. _And that you didn't really want that, and that you feel like you were obliged to do what you did._

Elisabeth read his paper, then looked up at him, eyes shimmering. _You know me._ _No one forces me to do anything._ She shook her head, and Noah swallowed hard as she stepped even closer to him. _I was afraid I had ruined things, too._

Noah shook his head. _Never,_ he signed. She could never ruin anything. Every inch of him vibrated as she smiled up at him, open and honest and Elisabeth. Noah was more nervous in the daylight than he had been when the mask of night had shrouded him. He was completely and utterly vulnerable before her.

Slowly, carefully, she lifted her hand to tuck a strand of his matted hair behind his ear, the way he had after her nightmare. Noah sighed. It was bliss. Elisabeth made a satisfied sound, and Noah smiled gently down at her, entranced. He closed his eyes and lifted his hand to cover hers.

When he opened his eyes again, heavy-lidded, Elisabeth grinned. She brought her hand down to sign. _Are you going to court me like a 1920s lady?_

Noah flushed deeply, an embarrassed guffaw escaping his throat. "I've never courted anyone before," he signed, slightly ashamed, but he could not contain his giddy laughter and grin. He knew Elisabeth knew that he'd kissed girls before, but never for any reason besides pure animal instinct. This, whatever these feelings were, was uncharted territory for him as well as her.

Elisabeth smiled, her cheeks a gorgeous shade of pink. _Would I be the first?_

Noah's stomach leapt into his throat as a nervous chuckle escaped him. He looked at her again, and realised she was dead serious, even in jest. He didn't know exactly what shape this conversation would take, but it was needed. Noah clenched his jaw, and he took her hand, leading her to sit across from him on their bedrolls. They needed to plot this out. A Plan.

Elli sat across from him, cocking her head. "Elli," he said. He had to be serious about this. He scribbled on his paper. _This is serious. What do you truly want?_

Elisabeth frowned, pointing at Noah. _I thought it was obvious. I want you._

The butterflies in Noah's stomach were relentless, but a warm, radiating buzz enveloped his entire being as she signed. He paused before he wrote, considering his words carefully. _I know you say that, but_ _I don't want you to feel like you are being pushed to do anything you don't want to, or feel like you have to be anything other than yourself, because I am happy if what happened is not right for you. This is your choice completely, and I want you to think about the future, and if it is too much, or too new, or if it is too strange._

Elisabeth skimmed the page and shook her head. She grabbed her notepad. _It was right for me,_ she had written. Noah suppressed a smile, but shook his head. She was too rash, too bold. It was too fast. But it was the response a part of him desperately needed.

"Elli, please, think. This is a big thing," he signed. Really, Noah wanted to pull her into another kiss immediately. But a deeper, darker, more rational part of him wanted to sabotage this perfect, pure thing. He did not deserve it. He did not deserve her.

But he was weaker than what Adam had thought. Or maybe he was just as weak as Adam had hoped.

 _I've been thinking about it for the past eight years,_ Elisabeth signed, and Noah's heart swelled, then shrunk again as her expression grew stormy. _I am old enough to know what is right for me. Don't belittle me._

Noah suddenly felt guilty. He never intended to be condescending. "I'm sorry," he signed. "You can make your own decisions, you're right." he signed, and Elisabeth nodded. She scrawled on her paper, and paused nervously before showing it to Noah.

_I know you think I am too young, or too 2000s, or too something. But being around you makes the pain, the sorrow, and the suffering go away. The Apocalypse goes away. Last night was perfect. If you wanted it, then it is only a small fraction of how much I wanted it._

The words floored Noah, his breath catching in his throat. Elisabeth leant in close to him, her warm breath on his face. She smelt like apples as she hugged him tightly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Noah melted beneath her, and he embraced her in return, burying his face in her hair.

He pulled away slightly, and her face was only inches from his, striking in the daylight as in the moonlight. Her lips were there, in full view; her green eyes, her blonde hair, her pale skin. Tentatively, Noah nudged her nose with his, their breath mingling, their breathing speeding up. Noah lifted his hand to cup Elisabeth's jaw, and she puffed through her nose as his thumb caressed the soft skin of her cheek.

Noah gave her a questioning look. _Can I?_

Elisabeth nodded. _Please._

The gap, the mere inches between their lips, closed. Noah's heart soared at the sensation of Elisabeth's mouth on his. Oh, god. What was Paradise in comparison to this? How could something wrong and evil and bad feel like this? His lips probed hers, testing, trying, and she attempted the same, both of them learning the shape of each other's mouths. Chaste, and gentle, and wonderful. He lifted his other hand to her hair, stroking it gently.

Eventually, they broke apart, and Noah was unable to open his eyes. When he did, Elisabeth's lips were as pink as her cheeks, and the sight sent heat and love and joy to his loins. Noah pressed his forehead to Elisabeth's, and they both smiled.

When they finally, painfully broke away, Elisabeth grabbed her notepad, eyes moist. _Tell me more about Hanno Tauber._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you IMAGINE the power. If Max and Carlotta got to perform this in like. 7 years. imagine


	25. Eighteen pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be a one-parter but it was just too full of potential omg.

Today, for the first time ever, Elisabeth woke before Noah.

Today, she was eighteen.

The hazy morning light lit the cabin, and Elisabeth watched him from her sleeping bag, all the hardness of life erased from Noah's face in his slumber. He seemed so much younger than his twenty-five years when he was asleep, and so much more normal. Not quite human, though. Noah slept like a guard dog or a tiger or some alert predator, rigid and stiff, like he would be prepared for fight or flight upon waking.

Elisabeth sighed contentedly at the sight of him. Noah had kissed her. And he had kissed her _first._ And then another two times afterwards. A week later, Elisabeth was convinced it was all a dream, or that the Passage had opened, and this was Paradise. That was until Noah had taken to kissing her hair each morning, and she came to the realisation; this was her reality.

Noah and Elisabeth, she mused. Hanno and Elisabeth. Their names fit together, somehow. They balanced each other out; bold and reserved, messy and neat, quick and measured, rash and careful. Moon and sun. Elisabeth and Noah.

Their relationship had shifted, but in a good way. The best way, in fact. However, they had become more nervous around one another, their shared touches adoring yet fleeting and quite shy on Noah's end. Elisabeth touched his hands whenever she could, and he touched her hair at every chance. Kisses were infrequent in their novelty, Noah claiming he wanted to be respectful about it, but Elisabeth tried to get them as often as she could.

Noah always told her to slow down, though; he was still unsure if Elisabeth was sure about it all, which annoyed her. He could be _so_ old-fashioned.

They were still just Noah and Elisabeth, but there was a new layer, exciting and exhilarating and dreamlike. To call Noah her boyfriend, though, did not feel right to Elisabeth. He was more than a boyfriend; there was no word for exactly what Noah was to her, but boyfriend was simply not enough. The only word even vaguely close she could think of was 'soulmate,' but that might scare Noah away.

She knew he wouldn't go far, though.

She felt herself becoming obsessed, if she wasn't already, but she couldn't control it. He had feelings for her! How that had happened, Elisabeth didn't know, but she knew she wanted to spend every waking moment by his side. She could see Franziska shaking her head in disapproval. _Don't lower yourself for a boy,_ she would have told her. Elisabeth would do no such thing. Noah wasn't just some boy.

And she wasn't just some girl; Elisabeth was a woman. A young woman.

 _An adult,_ she realised, stricken. Eighteen years old. Nine years since the Apocalypse.

_Nine years without them._

She rolled onto her back, her hand tightening around her fox plushie. She was older now than Franziska had been when Elli had last seen her. Elisabeth's heart was hollow, an empty hole where her family should be. Today, her mum and dad would not gift her a necklace with a bejewelled pendant of the number eighteen. Her mum would not take photos on selfie-cam by accident, nor would she take an important work call while Franziska tickled Elisabeth until she cried in the background. Her dad would not lament that she was growing up and taking wing. Franziska would not teach her how to take shots of vodka after her parents had gone upstairs. She would never get to have an eighteenth birthday party with her friends.

Hot tears stung Elisabeth's cheeks as she pressed her face into her cuddly fox. She was an adult, and her family would never see how strong she had been for them; they would never know she had survived. Not until Paradise, where all the pain was forgotten, and they would never even know what she had been through to reach them. Elisabeth would not even know.

A hiccuping, strangled sob wracked her, and suddenly Noah was awake, his arms around her, hands stroking her hair like he always did, year after year. The memory of her dad's hand on her hair entered her mind, and she sobbed even harder, and Noah only clutched her even tighter. She clung onto him, the only solid thing in her world, until the sobs dissipated and she looked up at him, her wonderful Noah, her face puffy and pink and blotchy.

He used his thumbs to wipe the tears from her cheeks, and god, she loved him. She loved him so much. But she couldn't tell him.

When she finally unlatched herself from Noah's lap, her eyes sticky and salty, Noah's eyes were brimming with empathy. She sat across from him, legs crossed, eyes downcast. It would always be difficult.

 _I understand,_ he signed, as he did every year on this day. _We can wait._ She knew he would have found her a present anyway, but the fact he always wanted to ensure she was in the right mood helped lift Elisabeth's spirits. Elisabeth was so grateful for him. She couldn't believe it had been a year since he had somehow found a cake for her; and what a year it had been for both of them. She brightened as she realised this year would be even better than the last; there were so many possibilities, even if others were gone. Her and Noah had each other.

 _Do you need some time alone?_ Noah signed. Elisabeth shook her head sharply. That was the last thing she wanted.

 _No, I'm okay,_ she signed, wiping her snotty nose on the back of her sleeve. She took a couple of shaky breaths, letting reality hit her. _I'm eighteen._

Noah smiled gently. _Alles Gute, my not-so-little fox,_ he signed, and Elisabeth couldn't help but smile back. He was still here, after all these years; through it all, he had not left her. He had seen her through the darkest time of her life, and she would never forget it.

Noah crossed his arms, bobbing his head. Elisabeth cocked her head. _Close your eyes!_ He signed.

Elisabeth's stomach fluttered despite herself, and she rolled her eyes at him, smiling. Noah grabbed the blanket he had given her for Christmas and draped it over her head, and Elisabeth chuckled silently, tightening it around her like a shawl. She squeezed her eyes shut, and waited. A minute passed, until a rush of air hit her face and the floor vibrated as something heavy was placed on the floor in front of her. She sensed Noah's presence near her, and a tap on her shoulder gave the signal to open her eyes.

Noah's blue eyes met hers, and she looked down to see a pile of five or six heavy, thick, hard-covered books. Elisabeth's mouth dropped open. They were glossy, huge, colourful, two were bound in leather, the others with dustjackets. The one on top made Elisabeth's eyes widen; it was an illustrated edition of the Lord of the Rings, in German with an English translation. She picked it up as if it were made of solid gold, examining the other titles. The other ones she didn't recognise were Don Quixote, with a leather cover; The Shining, by Stephen King (her dad liked him, she remembered vaguely). The others were bastions of childhood; she recognised the Never Ending Story with the dragon on the front, and the gold-engraved Grimm's fairy-tales. Elisabeth's heart raced, and she looked up at Noah, tears welling in her eyes, but for the best possible reasons.

How did you find these? She signed, overwhelmed. You do too much for me. Her hands shook as she stroked the sumptuous covers, afraid they would disintegrate beneath her touch.

I traded some things with Jonas and he let me take them from his father's office, he signed, and Elisabeth covered her mouth with her hand. This was too much.

Noah! She mouthed, the tears flowing now. She launched herself at him over the books, wrapping herself and the blanket as tightly as she could around Noah's shoulders. Thank you thank you thank you thank you, she mouthed into his ear. She peppered the side of his head and his cheek with kisses until he blushed. She grinned at his pink cheeks, and he pulled away, still shy and reserved and so 1920s. She'd get his lips later. Elisabeth sat back, admiring her books. She knew exactly how she was going to spend today- and she would make Noah read with her. Noah poked her knee, and she beamed up at him.

 _I also have a surprise for you later,_ he signed, eyes shining.

Elisabeth balked. _A surprise_? She signed. More than this? What is it?

Noah smirked, a glint in his eyes. He didn't respond, only turning to get up and dress. Elisabeth would have to wait.

\-----

Evening rolled around, the grey daylight fading away. Elisabeth and Noah had spent the day splayed out on their stomachs on the floor of the cabin, reading and nibbling on the sweet rations of dried fruit and chocolate they saved for special occasions. Elisabeth hadn't forgotten about the surprise Noah had supposedly had for her; she nudged his foot with hers, and Noah looked up from the Lord of the Rings, feigning ignorance. Elisabeth rolled her eyes, impatient. She huffed, rolling onto her side. Noah seemed preoccupied, and it made Elisabeth nervous.

After a little while, Noah finally closed his book, and Elisabeth watched him, curious, as he got to his feet. Wait here, he signed, and Elisabeth frowned as he looked out the window. Elisabeth moved to stand, but Noah raised his hand to stop her, _no!_

Elisabeth was really curious, now. She crossed her legs and lifted her hands, what are you doing? Noah turned to Elisabeth and smiled, and finally, he extended his hand. Close your eyes, he signed, and Elisabeth's stomach fluttered. She took his hand, and he pulled her to her feet. The contact caused butterflies to erupt in her stomach, it was still so new, but she closed her eyes anyway.

Elisabeth was enveloped in darkness, and silence, the gentle grip of Noah's hand her only guide. The smell of smoke entered her nostrils, and her nose twitched, foxlike. Noah's hand squeezed hers twice, a signal, and Elisabeth opened her eyes.

She blinked as her vision cleared. Their campfire was alight, the evening aglow in its warm, orange light. What made Elisabeth's breath hitch, though, were Jonas and Claudia perched on the logs by the flames. Claudia had a box filled with food in her lap, and Jonas was clutching four very large canteens used to contain alcohol. Elisabeth's jaw dropped when Jonas grinned at her, and Claudia gave her signature tight smile, as both of them stood and pulled out notepads with ' _Alles Gute zum Geburtstag, Elisabeth!"_ written on them.

Elisabeth clapped a hand over her mouth, overwhelmed, when she turned to Noah and saw he had his notepad, too. _Alles gute, little fox,_ his notepad read, and Elisabeth's heart sung loud enough that even she could hear it. She could not stem the flow of tears as she pulled Noah into a wet, teary, stupidly sentimental hug. Noah held her tightly, and kissed the top of her head. He knew her every thought, she was sure of it. How else had he known? He was her sun, her light. When she looked up at Noah's angular face, she wanted nothing more than to pull him into a kiss, but in front of Jonas and Claudia, it felt wrong. When they broke the hug, hands still interlocked, she could sense Claudia's bizarre eyes analysing them. She didn't care, though. Noah was hers. And she was his.

They joined the others in sitting around the fire, and Elisabeth was buzzing with excitement. Jonas and Claudia sat on their own log, and her and Noah on the other. She still hadn't let go of his hand; she needed to be reminded that this was all real. Her first adult party, she mused, dizzy with glee. And they all had notepads _for her._ She couldn't believe they had done this for her; she knew it was Noah's idea, but the fact the others had agreed to it warmed her soul.

Claudia stood up, carrying the box on her lap over to Elisabeth, who was stupefied as she placed it beside her on her shared log with Noah. The box was filled with fruit. Oranges! Elisabeth mouthed, looking up at Claudia in awe. How on earth had she found so many oranges? Elisabeth turned to Noah, who acted as an interpreter. _Tell her I can't thank her enough,_ she signed. _Tell Jonas, too. And you. Thank you. More than anything, thank you._

 _The pleasure is mine,_ he signed back, and heat rushed to Elisabeth's stomach. Noah nodded, translating for her, and Claudia bobbed her head to Elisabeth, returning to her seat beside Jonas. Jonas smiled warmly at Elisabeth, blue eyes bright in the firelight. Noah said something to Jonas, who then nodded, and handed a weighty canteen to Elisabeth.

Her eyes widened. This was happening. Jonas laughed at her expression, and when she looked to Claudia, the true adult, for permission, Claudia gave her strange, lopsided smile and raised her own canteen. Elisabeth gaped, looking to Noah, who smiled at her, but she could tell he was wary. Over the years, she had asked him if she could try the alcohol he kept, but he had always refused due to the possibility of 'needing it for fuel.' She knew what he really meant was that he was afraid she would never stop drinking it.

 _Only small sips!_ He signed, before he took a canteen from Jonas for himself. He lifted his canteen to Elisabeth's, and gestured for Claudia and Jonas to do the same. Elisabeth was delirious with glee as she clinked her canteen with them all, then watched as the others sipped, and followed suit. She brought the canteen to her mouth, and Noah watched her eagerly as she took a tentative sip.

Burning acid filled her mouth, and she grimaced, causing Noah and Jonas to collapse into laughter. _It tastes like shit!_ She signed to Noah, who nodded.

 _That's Jonas' gift you're talking about,_ Noah signed back, taking a swig. _Better than Erna's ale, though._ His eyes were sparkling as he gestured to Jonas, telling him as much. Jonas gave Elisabeth a thumbs up, and Elisabeth laughed her silent laugh, giving a 'mixed feelings' sign with her hand. The buzz it gave, though, was enticing. She put the canteen to her lips, and swallowed the whiskey, the heat rushing down her throat.

Hours passed, or minutes, or however long it took for Elisabeth's canteen to be half empty. She was warm, and her throat had this bubble of happiness in it, and her notepad was filled with disjointed words from her conversations with Claudia and Jonas.

She watched lightheadedly as Noah and Jonas struggled to keep the fire alight, tapping each other on the shoulders and arguing. Jonas stumbled as he tried to pick up a piece of firewood, sending Noah into a fit of laughter.

Elisabeth giggled as she watched them. Noah and Jonas both turned to her, their eyes dazed and surprised, and Elisabeth realised she must have laughed aloud. _You look like cavemen discovering fire for the first time_ , she signed to Noah, and Noah's face lit up in mirth, telling Jonas what she'd said.

 _Imagine if we could go back that far,_ Noah signed, his eyes wide with wonder. Jonas said something and Noah doubled over. Elisabeth wished she knew what he'd said.

Claudia Tiedemann sat stiffly on her log, and Elisabeth could sense she was not quite in her element. Perhaps being in your fifties and hanging around young adults was not as fun as it seemed. Elisabeth appreciated Claudia's effort, though, for staying as long as she had. As if on cue, Claudia stood up, and wrote on her notepad. She smiled awkwardly at Elisabeth as she showed her the paper. Elisabeth squinted at the writing, and Elisabeth was confused why her handwriting was so smudged and blurry. She hadn't drunk _that_ much.

 _I am going to go and catch some sleep now,_ Claudia had written, and even her handwriting seemed smart. _I hope your 18_ _th_ _birthday has been good._

Elisabeth understood. The boys must have been getting a bit loud, or boisterous. She looked over at Noah, whose cheeks were flushed, his hair scruffy as Jonas pushed him in the shoulder after a jape. Noah laughed and his head turned, and Noah caught Elisabeth's eye from across the fire. He smiled his dark, dangerous smirk at her, his eyes black in the firelight. A thin sheen of sweat glazed his forehead, and he had taken off his coat, the sharp lines of his torso visible through his white undershirt. That titillating rush of heat burnt between Elisabeth's legs as they maintained their gaze, and Noah took a sip from his canteen, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed.

Elisabeth was momentarily blinded by his beauty, but she suddenly remembered Claudia was talking to her. Elisabeth grinned sleepily up at Claudia, giving two thumbs up. She saw Jonas notice the interaction in the background, and said something to Claudia, who nodded. She bobbed her head to Noah in farewell, and disappeared.

Noah and Jonas had finally revived the fire, and the pair came to sit beside Elisabeth. _How are you feeling?_ Noah signed to Elisabeth, and she smiled dreamily, leaning her head on his shoulder. She was sleepy. Noah smiled, putting an arm around her. _He's so soft,_ Elisabeth realised, stroking his bare arm. Noah laughed, and she felt his shoulders vibrate.

Jonas pulled his notepad out, writing clumsily. He showed it to Elisabeth. _Get a room,_ it said, and Elisabeth snorted, showing it to Noah. Noah rolled his eyes, saying something to Jonas as he took a drink.

Elisabeth's eyelids were growing heavy. Her head gravitated to Noah's lap, and he watched, amused, as she stretched out her body on the log, her head in Noah's lap and her feet kicking Jonas' knee. Before she knew what was happening, darkness enveloped her, and she dozed off with the taste of whiskey in her mouth, warmth in her heart and Noah in her dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the night isn't over, need some more tipsy apoca-fam


	26. Eighteen pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February, 2029. Same night as part 1. Also, inspired by the last thing Adam said to Noah :)))))))))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff AND angst? Flangst? Anuff?

"I'm going to bring her inside," said Noah, gesturing to the dead weight of Elisabeth in his lap. It was getting cold. Jonas nodded, stretching his legs.

"Need help?"

Noah glared at Jonas. "None at all."

What Noah really meant was, _touch her, and you'll lose use of your hands_. Jonas got the message. Gently, and so slowly, Noah inched his way under Elisabeth, until he could loop his arms under her knees and arms. With a swift heave, he lifted her, cradling her dozing form against his chest. "You can, um." Noah frowned, closing his eyes. What was he going to say again? "You can come inside, if you like," Noah offered, if not a bit grudgingly. Elisabeth mumbled something into his chest, and a rush of adoration flowed through him. He rubbed his thumb over her shoulder, hoping she wouldn't wake.

Jonas snorted. "Do you _want_ me to come inside?"

Noah was already carrying Elisabeth up to the cabin door, ensuring her head didn't hit the door frame. Jonas dithered by the fire. Neither of the men were extremely drunk; just on the edge of tipsy, as Jonas called it. When Noah got inside, he carefully, so carefully, lay Elisabeth down on her sleeping bag, and looked around for her Christmas blanket. He turned on the lantern, and saw the blanket was by her feet. He pulled it up to cover her sleeping figure; he didn't want her to get cold, or catch a chill.

Elisabeth made a muttering sound, and Noah smiled gently, pushing her blonde hair back from her face. He smiled down at her, warmth and love radiating through him. He hoped he had made her birthday a great one. He remembered the first time he tried alcohol; admittedly, he had had a lot more than Elisabeth had, and the consequences were fitting, but he didn't want her birthday to be marred by feeling ill the next day.

A floorboard creaked nearby, and Noah glanced up to see Jonas leaning on the door frame. He pulled away from Elisabeth, embarrassed. "I didn't realise it was like that," said Jonas, and his face was sad. Noah swallowed, sitting protectively by Elisabeth's feet. He wrapped his arms around his knees, looking down at her peaceful face, pink lips parted, snoring lightly. 

"Like what?" Noah asked, his voice hoarse, and Jonas shrugged. He touched the back of his neck, scratching where his long hair rubbed his hood.

"Just… ah. Doesn't matter." Jonas' sentence trailed off, his voice thick with emotion, or alcohol, or both.

Noah stared up at Jonas, taking a sip from his canteen. He sighed heavily. Always be hospitable, he remembered Erna telling him. He gestured for Jonas to come and sit across from him, waving him inside with his arm. Jonas seemed surprised, but pleased, at the invitation. He obliged, slowly taking a seat near Noah's sleeping bag. He looked around at the books Noah had given Elisabeth for her birthday. "Lord of the Rings. Good choice."

Noah looked sideways at Elli, and his tongue was loose and languid. "She deserves better," he said.

"…than Lord of the Rings?"

"No," said Noah, shaking his head. Jonas didn't understand. "I mean. She deserves better than me," Noah's tongue was heavy as he spoke.

"Oh." Jonas frowned, blinking slowly Jonas hummed in agreement. "Yeah. She probably does." Noah puffed a laugh through his nose. Jonas' eyes followed Noah's line of vision, and Jonas idly touched his neck when he looked at Elisabeth. "Question for you," he said, and Noah snorted, getting comfortable. Here we go, he thought, taking a drink.

" _Ja_?"

Jonas sniffed, straightening his back. "Okay. Hypothetically, if you had to choose between Elisabeth and your… well, _Adam's_ Paradise… which would you choose?"

Noah frowned incredulously. Here Jonas went again, patronizing Noah's beliefs. "What a stupid question. Not one that I'd have to answer, either."

"I said _hypothetically_. Come on."

"Ugh." Noah huffed. "Fine."

"Just say…. there was no room for more than yourself wherever your Paradise is, the black emptiness, free of anything. And you had to either forget Elisabeth to reach it, or stay here in this painful world, with her… which would you pick?"

Jonas' question cut through the haze of alcohol in Noah's brain, sobering him. He had never thought about this; in his mind, he and Elisabeth would reach Paradise together, side by side. He didn't like hearing the idea, even if hypothetical, that it would be Noah alone. This was Jonas, after all- Adam, Jonas, _Adam_. "I…" he stuttered, "Paradise is free of…"

"Yeah, yeah. But would it be worth forgetting her?"

Noah was silent, and his silence said more than any words. He forced himself not to look at Elli, whose feet had pressed against his legs, warm and weighty. Noah swallowed, measuring his response. _No,_ he thought. _It wouldn't be._ "I trust Adam," he said.

Jonas laughed humourlessly. "That's a mistake." He gestured to Elisabeth. "You love her, right?" Hearing Jonas say it out loud made Noah wither with embarrassment. He hadn't even said it Elisabeth, or even himself. "You love her. Why else throw her a party? Why else cover her with a blanket? Why else protect her for all these years?" Noah avoided Jonas' eyes, waiting for the 'but.' "You have her with you, in this world, but you would rather follow Adam?" he shook his head, taking a drink. "Stupid, man."

Noah weakened. "It's only hypothetical, though." He reiterated. Noah wasn't sure whether it was a question or a reassurance for himself.

"Yeah." Jonas looked at the sleeping Elisabeth. "Still. Don't break her heart."

Noah scowled. "Never."

"Because she is just as capable of… of ruthlessness as you."

Noah frowned, shuffling uncomfortably. Ruthless? His curiosity was piqued. Jonas had known Elisabeth before the Apocalypse, but he had not known that he'd known her well enough to describe her as anything other than Franziska Doppler's deaf little sister. What more, ruthless was not a word Noah would have used to ever describe Elisabeth. Noah had never considered himself as ruthless, either, but maybe he was a bit, now that he thought about it. "What do you mean, ruthlessness?"

Jonas took a deep breath, and raised his hand up to his throat. Noah watched, confused, as Jonas pulled off his scarf, baring the crimson scar around his neck. "Do you remember how this looked when you first met me in your time? You were creepy. Watching me while I slept."

Noah remembered how bloody and raw the wound had been when they had first met in 1921, the bandages soaking through. Noah didn't understand why he was showing him now. "Yes. I was the one who helped clean your wound. Ungrateful bastard." Noah strained to remember. "I assumed you'd tried hanging yourself, since I've seen you do that." Noah felt unsettled at this strange direction of conversation. "Why?"

Jonas shook his head, smiling, eyelids fluttering. "You're almost right," he said. He gestured his head in Elisabeth's direction, where she clutched her plush fox to her chest. "But she was the one that did it."

"…What?" Noah chuckled nervously, but internally his stomach turned, the whiskey souring in his belly. He was convinced he had heard wrong; it's the whiskey, he told himself. The whiskey was playing tricks on him, now. He was tired, like Elisabeth.

Jonas absently traced the hardened tissue around his neck. " _Ja._ In the future. 2053, or 54. I went in to see the God Particle, and Elisabeth had forbidden it. So…"

Elisabeth had forbidden it? "What?" Noah repeated, confused. Bile rose in his throat, acrid in his mouth. "Don't be stupid."

"I'm not. She said a lot of stuff…. that sounded like you, about the Passage opening and, and Sic Mundus, and your Paradise." Jonas sounded tired, but not like he was making things up. That frightened Noah.

"She mentioned Paradise?" Noah tried to keep his voice steady. Was this what Jonas had been alluding to earlier? Why was she not in Paradise that far in the future? Questions swirled in Noah's mind. Did she mention me? He wanted to ask. Did you see me?

Jonas nodded. "She had a girl… with a scar on her face with her, too." The blood drained from Noah's face. A scar on her face? He felt nauseous. "…it was like a cult that she leads. Then she hanged me, and shot me down, and I escaped to your time through the God Particle."

Blood roared in Noah's ears, as he tried to comprehend the slurry of strange words escaping from Jonas' mouth. The future? The God Particle? The Passage? Those words could have just been Jonas quoting verbatim from Noah, just to make him irate. It was the girl with a scar on her face that caused cold sweat to bead on Noah's spine. Loads of girls have scars on them, he scolded himself. "No," he said, shaking his head. "Jonas, you've had too much whiskey."

"I _haven't_." Jonas shook his head. "How else would I get to 1921? It wasn't the cave."

"You're lying, then." Noah snapped, cutting him off. He didn't want to listen to Jonas' incoherent ramblings anymore, not on a special night like this… but a twisted, curious part of Noah wanted to hear more. That sick, hot coil of doubt curled around Noah's stomach, doubt he had not felt in months.

"Why would I lie? How could that possibly benefit me?" Jonas closed his eyes, sighing. "I thought I might as well tell you so that maybe, somehow, we could prevent it. But I already have the scar, so…" he shrugged.

Noah's heart was pounding, a lump forming in his throat. He looked squarely at Jonas. Elisabeth wasn't the type to hang people. She had killed, yes; but the man she had killed, the monster, had killed her father. She was not the type to hang innocents _. No more than you are the type to murder your father with an axe_ , a small voice in Noah's head whispered. Noah leant forwards, and he knew he should probably tell Jonas to piss off, go and sleep in the bunker. But questions lingered on his tongue. One in particular, and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear that answer. "If you are telling the truth," said Noah carefully, "And you did see her. Did she… mention me?"

"Hm." Noah was acutely aware of Jonas' eyes on his face. "It's funny," he said, and Noah could have hit him. "You know even less than I do."

" _Jonas_." Noah's voice was low, a rumble in his chest. "Is this why you brought up the Paradise thing?" he was verging on desperate. "Did she say why I came back to 1921? To talk to my younger self?"

Jonas gaze was steady. "No." He shook his head. "She didn't mention you."

Noah's mouth went dry, and the world beneath him suddenly did not feel as steady as it had. It wasn't the whiskey. "You probably didn't talk to her long enough," he heard himself say. "I wouldn't leave her for that long." Would he? He didn't know why his older self had come back to talk to him. He would never leave Elisabeth, not for long. Not now, not ever. Not unless…

Not unless she wanted him to.

The thought made Noah's blood run cold. His mouth opened, and closed again. He looked down at Elisabeth, his little fox, and he clenched his jaw. He was too sleepy, and too full of whiskey to have this conversation. "I think… we're tired and need some sleep," he said, rubbing his sore eyes, dry from the campfire smoke.

"Yeah," sighed Jonas. "Yeah. You're probably right." His gaze dropped, and he massaged his brow. "Sorry."

"We can talk about it another time." Noah's pulse was erratic, but he tried not to let Jonas see his anxiety. "Thanks for coming tonight. It meant a lot to her." He jutted his head in Elisabeth's direction.

"It was kind of you to do for her. She won't ever forget it," said Jonas, getting to his feet. He looked down at Noah. "I'll be in the bunker."

Noah nodded. "Sleep well."

Jonas bobbed his head as he closed the door, and Noah heaved a heavy sigh, straightening the blanket over Elli. He blindly shrugged off his coat and kicked off his heavy pants, and pulled his bedroll until it was flush with Elisabeth's. Finally, he lay down, facing her. He turned off the lantern, and tried to relax.

Hanging. Future. Ruthless. Noah watched her nose twitch, the gentle rise and fall of breath as she slept. Jonas' words had struck a nerve in him. Why would he be away from her for so long? He didn't understand. His older self had said in the church, if he knew what he knew now, he wouldn't do what he must. But Noah wasn't sure if he wanted to do what he must if it meant leaving Elisabeth, if it meant she would harden into someone that would hurt Jonas, who she liked, who she worshipped as Adam.

He lifted his hand to push a strand of hair from her eyes, running his thumb over her cheekbone. "I won't leave you," he said aloud, recalling the words he had said after their first kiss, that blessed night by the cave. "Not unless you want me to."

Jonas' question floated back into Noah's whiskey-clouded awareness. Paradise or Elisabeth? There was no Paradise without Elisabeth, not anymore. His purpose _was_ Elisabeth. They were tied to one another's destinies now, and there was no untying them. He knew Jonas' question had been hypothetical, but he had to take everything Jonas said somewhat seriously. Jonas would become Adam. Anything he said could be true.

Elisabeth mumbled and sighed in her sleep, and Noah's worry melted into the darkness as she suddenly grasped his arm, pulling it around her. "Are you even asleep?" he chuckled, but Noah froze completely as Elisabeth dragged herself up to rest her head on his chest, anchoring him as her pillow. She snored loudly.

Noah stayed extremely still. He had never slept this close to her, not even when she was younger. He worried that he would wake her, or that if someone came into their cabin, he would not be able to move fast enough to protect her. But it was her birthday; maybe he could make an exception. Slowly, he raised a hand up to touch her hair, closing his eyes. His body slowly relaxed, one muscle at a time, the way Elisabeth and Jonas had tried to make him relax one time when he was a bit 'uptight.'

Noah let out a slow, hissing breath, watching Elisabeth's head move with his chest. His stomach did a somersault, the trust and sheer intimacy of this position making him dizzy. He'd never slept this close to someone, not since Agnes, when they were tiny.

Elisabeth wriggled, muttering, and Noah wondered aloud. "What do you dream about?" he whispered, stroking her hair gently. Did her joys and sorrows melt into one in her dreams? "Do you dream about your future?" he asked, picturing an older Elisabeth, hanging the faithless. Did she dream about children, or families? Marriage? "Do you dream about me as much as I dream about you?" he murmured into her hair. What did he sound like in her mind, he wondered? Did he have a voice of some kind?

Did she love and lust and feel desire in those midnight reveries, like he did? He recalled the gaze they had shared over the fire earlier in the evening, the intensity and longing in her eyes, the way her hair had fallen over her face and the pinkness of her cheeks. He had wanted her, he realised. It frightened him. It excited him. And he was almost positive she felt the same way. Heat erupted in Noah's belly, surging downwards. He shook the thoughts away; not now. Not here.

Elisabeth rolled onto her stomach, and Noah watched as her eyeballs moved rapidly beneath her eyelids. He was on the precipice of sleep when Elisabeth moved quite rapidly, and before Noah could react, she had hitched a leg up over his hip. Noah stopped breathing. "No, no." He tried to roll out from under her, but she was a dead weight. He felt Elisabeth's grip on him tighten, and he tried to pry himself from under her again, lest she become aware of the… affect such a movement had on him. Noah was so tired, though, and his bones were heavy with sleep, and she was so warm, and he was so comfortable…

Eventually, he gave in, darkness enveloping his vision. He fell asleep with Elisabeth on his chest, in his dreams, and in every fibre of his being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "better than lord of the rings?" brought to you by the same man as "about Grandma's tablet/the internet?" I love soft Jonas  
> Also, lol you think you'll get a proper sex scene that quickly? "You still have no idea how this game is played."


	27. Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such a fun chapter to write! Elisabeth's devious rascal factor at maximum levels vs Noah's 1920s = fun for all of us. THANKS FOR THE COMMENTS MES AMIS pls keep them coming <3

_Are you cheating?_

_No. You're just bad at this._

The game of cards was going well. For Elli, it was, anyway. She was winning. Noah looked like he was about to throw in the cards, but he persisted, until Elisabeth slammed her final card down, raising her fists in triumph. _I get a kiss now,_ she signed, and Noah's cheeks flushed that pleasant shade of pink. _You promised._

They'd woken that morning entangled in each other's arms, and Noah had been so embarrassed he'd all but sprinted to take a shower out the back. Elisabeth's head ached slightly, her hair smelling of smoke, but it had been such a perfect way to wake that she had tried to pin Noah to the sleeping bag. He had rolled out after giving her a swift kiss on the forehead. Elisabeth was still in shock about the fact that, technically, they'd shared a bed. She had lain there in a giddy daze, swallowing a girlish squeal until Noah had come back, and she'd thanked him again for the party another ten times.

It was almost midday, now. And she wanted to kiss him. Noah put his cards down, scratching his hair. Elisabeth's mouth tasted strange, like smoke and fruit and whiskey, and she was utterly exhausted, but she was never too tired for a game of cards. She especially wasn't too tired for a kiss. Noah looked up at her, and Elisabeth knew her game plan. She'd been planning it since the moment she woke up.

Noah's gaze last night over the fire had not been so shy as it was this morning, and she wanted to see more of that side of him. That hunger, and darkness. She knew Noah well, but she also knew he had this side which he kept hidden from Elisabeth. She had seen it in the first time he had entered the bunker. She had seen it over the years through disputes between survivors, in raids, while hunting, with Jonas. Elisabeth felt special that she could render this enigmatic creature to blushing; but there was still so much she wanted to learn about this man, who she couldn't believe was here with her.

Elisabeth leant forwards on her hands, like a cat, and she relished the look of surprise on Noah's face, so close to hers. His blue eyes flicked down to her lips, and Elisabeth's stomach fluttered as slowly, purposefully, she pressed her lips to his. Only a light kiss, just the barest hint of her lips on his. She pulled back, ensuring it was okay… and smiled cheekily at how hooded Noah's eyes were.

She raised her eyebrows, flirty, and enjoyed his dazed expression. She sat back, sizing him up. Why are you so shy about it? She signed. He hadn't been that night at the cave. She wondered if the night and the darkness made him braver, or just alcohol.

Noah frowned, not understanding the final sign. He made it with his hands. Elisabeth pulled out her notepad and wrote 'shy.'

 _I'm not,_ he signed. Elisabeth nodded.

 _You are_ , she signed. _Are you scared of a little deaf girl?_ She grinned. _Don't you trust me?_

Noah narrowed his eyes. _You are not some little deaf girl_ , he signed. _And I'm not scared of you._

Prove it, then. Elisabeth lifted her chin, a challenge, and she saw the faintest hint of that darkness she had seen last night. Just when she thought he was going to do something, his face softened into the gentle, caring expression he reserved for Elli. She sighed, slightly disappointed. Then, she perked up. She had a new idea, one that she thought Noah would like. Elisabeth got to her feet, and picked up her coat. Noah cocked his head at her curiously. She pulled it over her clothes, then began to pull on her boots. She looked at Noah and moved her hand, hurry up!

Noah shook his head, smiling, as he reached over and picked up his coat.

\----

Elisabeth led Noah down the wild, unkempt forest road, in the direction of the old Kahnwald residence. Noah knew immediately where Elisabeth was leading them, and she was glad he didn't protest. It was raining again, and as Elisabeth looked down at the puddles on the gravel, she had the most intense sense of deja-vu she had ever experienced.

She stopped walking, and as Noah turned around to see why she'd stopped, the sense grew even stronger. She remembered. She remembered that rainy afternoon she had spent with a priest with big blue eyes, who had known sign language as well as she did. The rain. The clock. His eyes. _Noah'_ s eyes.

Elisabeth's breath caught in her throat when Noah stepped towards her, concerned. _Are you okay?_ He signed, and Elisabeth nodded.

 _I just remembered something_ , she signed. It unnerved Elisabeth to think about it too hard. She returned to earth when Noah's gloved hand took hers, and they shared a secret smile, theirs alone.

They continued on their way, eventually reaching the ramshackle double-story house that had not been lived in since the Apocalypse. The house was exactly as it was when they had first met, but Elisabeth pushed the door open slowly, just in case Jonas hadn't been there recently to protect it from looters or squatters.

Noah's presence disappeared from her side when she reached the kitchen. Elisabeth spun on her foot, watching as Noah sauntered in, his hood pulled his hood over his head. He entered slowly, then flipped it back. Elisabeth tried to staunch the grin on her face. _I'm looking for food_ , he signed. _And you?_

Elisabeth's legs weakened, blood blooming in her cheeks. He remembered the day as well as she did. She beamed, replaying that dreary day which had become one of the most important of her life. _Mum and sister_ , she signed. Noah bared his teeth in his wolfish grin. She wished he would never stop smiling, but if he smiled all the time she would never be able to concentrate on anything else. It was blindingly beautiful.

 _I could have said I'm looking for food and you,_ he signed and Elisabeth rolled her eyes, but her heart sung. They approached the stairs. _Do you need something from here?_ Noah signed.

 _I am going to see if there are any more clothes that survived,_ she signed. _Come look with me._

The upstairs bedroom was as blackened and charred as the rest of the top floor. The bed's mattress was singed, the windows of the room smashed. A full-length mirror was shattered in the corner. It was still clearly a bedroom, but clearly, neither Jonas or anyone else had slept here in a long time. Noah hovered by the door, and Elisabeth made a beeline for the half-decimated chest of drawers. She looked sideways at Noah, and Elisabeth sensed his hesitation upon entering, but she was unsure why.

 _There's some guy clothing in here, too_ , she signed, but Noah was still by the door. _You okay?_ Elli signed. Noah shifted his weight.

 _This room feels…_ he signed, but didn't know the sign. _I don't know. Sad._

Elisabeth nodded. _Jonas' dad hanged himself, and his mum is gone too. Jonas said she disappeared, but she died too, I think,_ Elisabeth signed, and Noah shook his head, trying not to laugh at how nonchalantly she seemed when she said it.

Elisabeth pawed through the clothes, finding a few in-tact shirts and a pair of pants. She grinned when she opened the top drawer and pulled out a lacy thong, making a face at Noah as she held it up for him. Noah frowned at it, confused, but then his eyes widened in comprehension. He turned away, mortified. Elisabeth doubled over with silent giggles. So old fashioned! She had the strongest urge to throw it at him, but she fought it, pocketing the single nice bra instead while he wasn't looking.

Noah approached the wardrobe, turning to Elli when he was sure she had closed the top drawer. _You're not taking that, are you?_

 _No_ , Elisabeth signed. She smirked. _Why?_

 _It's unclean_ , he signed, and Elisabeth wondered if that was really what he was thinking. She joined him at the wardrobe, and pressed her arm against his when she leant to open it. Noah's hand brushed hers, and she wiggled her fingers to touch his, glee bubbling inside her.

Elisabeth gasped when she opened the wardrobe, and she looked to Noah, whose eyebrows raised in approval. Dresses. Long dresses that were dusty and faded and moth-eaten but still beautiful. Elisabeth immediately unzipped her jacket, shrugging it onto the floor in her haste. She had never worn a proper adult dress, and she was damned if she wouldn't try one on. She sensed Noah's eyes on her, confused as she shed her layers.

 _What are…?_ He signed in her peripheral vision, but Elisabeth was already down to her t-shirt, and she kept her eyes on Noah's, challenging him again, when she pulled it over her head, revealing her tattered sports bra. Noah's mouth popped open, and Elisabeth's core was aflame when his eyes drifted down the length of her body for a fraction of a second, before he lifted his arms in shock and spun around, making a dash for the door. Ever the gentleman.

Elisabeth sighed, but she would get him eventually. I'll see that gaze again, she thought, appraising the dresses. There were only three that were not black around the edges. She was drawn to the faded red one, a flowing deep crimson dress with a neckline that plunged to just below the sternum. Elisabeth pulled it off the hanger, coughing as dust and ash blew into her face.

She slid it over her head, and it slipped on easily. She marvelled at the sensation of the fabric on her skin, and walked over to the broken mirror. Elisabeth froze. She hadn't worn a dress since she was eight. Ten years on, and she was wearing a lost woman's dress in the apocalyptic future, and she looked okay. She looked like Franziska when she did one of her fancy balls.

The red material clung to Elisabeth's form, lean from years of running and hunting and canned food, but soft with the curves of womanhood. She smoothed her smoky, unwashed hair, flipping it over to one side, and bit her chapped lips to make them pinker. Her sports bra was still visible under the plunging neckline, so she pulled the elastic down until it just about reached her waist. She glanced at her breasts for a moment; she hadn't seen them in a proper mirror before, or a dress. She looked okay. For apocalypse standards, anyway, she thought. She wondered if Noah would think the same.

Noah was leaning against the wall when Elisabeth cracked open the door, and a rush of sudden self-consciousness ran over her as she emerged. Her belly did flip-flops when Noah stood up straight, his expression stunned. He blinked at her, his eyes widening.

 _Call me Mrs Kahnwald,_ she signed jokingly, tugging her knotted hair uncomfortably. She cringed when she realised how that sounded. Noah's expression had softened, his eyes taking on a moist quality. _Why are you looking at me like that?_ She signed.

Noah swallowed visibly. He found his words after a few seconds. _You look beautiful_ , he signed, and warmth flooded Elisabeth's stomach. She felt like she could go to a ball now, and her greasy-haired, dirt covered, tattooed, time-travelling prince was a million times better than any boy in Winden.

She thought Noah was the beautiful one, but the compliment made her dizzy. _Danke,_ Elisabeth signed, her hands trembling. Her face was hot as Noah's eyes drifted downwards, then up to meet hers again, and he took a step towards her. Her lips parted slightly as he lessened the distance between them, and Elisabeth didn't have time to react when his hands flew up to cup her face, pressing his lips to hers.

He tasted of whiskey and rain. Elisabeth's eyes closed, and she sighed instinctively, in bliss. Still a dream, she was sure of it, an early Paradise for the two of them alone. When Noah pulled back again, she opened her eyes, and her pulse quickened at the view of him. He was beautiful. His hair flopped over his forehead, cheeks pink, eyes hooded. 

And there it was. That look. Noah's blue eyes flashed, his pupils huge and black, and Elisabeth's breath hitched at the sight of him drinking her in. She couldn't stop herself from closing the inches of space between them again, this time with more fervour, deepening the kiss. Noah's hands fell to her waist and she shivered at the lightness of his touch, and his mouth opened to welcome hers. Not shy at all.

Heat pooled between her legs, and Elisabeth had a surge of courage and lifted her hands to entwine her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer. She knew it was ambitious, but Noah, to her surprise, to her joy, did the same, using both hands to pull her face to his with an intensity and messiness that caused fireworks to explode in her chest.

Finally, they came up for air. They broke apart, unable to open their eyes, their breathing ragged, lips swollen and hair tangled. After a few seconds of catching their breath, stunned, they both smiled, and Elisabeth wanted to stay in the moment forever. Noah pressed his forehead to hers.

 _Is that proof that I'm not scared of you?_ he signed, and Elisabeth puffed a laugh through her nose.

 _Almost enough_ , she signed, their faces still close. _I should get back into my clothes._ Noah nodded, reluctantly letting her go back into the bedroom.

When she closed the door, Elisabeth clapped a hand over her mouth and danced.


	28. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late February, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a KILLER to write! Dang. As I've said before, action is not my strong suit, but I LOOOVE the tropes it brings, so it's a necessary evil!! Thanks for your wonderful comments you fabulous people, keep em coming and also don't be afraid to drop headcanons in my tumblr askbox <3

Noah slung the rabbits over his shoulder, walking through the forest trail. He had been hunting around the caves, and small animals had started to emerge from their burrows as the end of another long, radioactive winter rolled around. Jonas hadn't wanted to come hunting with Noah, opting to study physics with Claudia instead, and Elli was counting their rations back at the cabin. Noah found that being too far from Elisabeth for too long made him on edge, and impatient to see her again, the way her face would light up when he entered, the warmth in his cheeks when she did that funny finger-waggling wave. Funny, mischievous, clever, maddening Elli, who deserved Paradise more than he did.

He recalled their kiss in the Kahnwald house, heat stirring in the pit of his stomach. She had looked like a flapper lady in the dress, and she had stunned Noah into silence. Elisabeth Doppler was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life, even without the dress. He flushed as he remembered the cheeky grin on her face as she stripped in front of the dresser, her brazenness stirring something deep in Noah, something that he could hardly contain.

Noah's apprehension about their relationship was still ever-present, but Elisabeth had managed to break down his fortress; she always had, ever since they'd first met, but being with her in this new way brought out a side to Noah he didn't even know he had. He felt like a little boy again, giddy and tongue tied and… in love.

Noah was painfully, achingly in love. He had never thought Adam's words about emotion and love being the greatest pitfall of humanity would ever apply to him. And yet, here he was, a spring in his step, excitement in his belly, a flush in his cheeks, because of the girl from the bunker who had crawled into the cave in 2020.

The blood drained from Noah's face, though, when he reached the cabin and heard… voices. Unfamiliar voices, not Jonas or Claudia's. Men's voices. His stomach turned.

 _No_.

Noah immediately dropped everything, his pack, the rabbits, the notes from Jonas and Claudia, and drew his gun. He slid stealthily onto the patio, back against the wooden slats, heart in his mouth. The voices got louder, and Noah tried to maintain rational thought despite his fear.

He peeked through the cabin window, and saw two shadowy figures in masks and coats. One was scrounging through their rations, and Noah's neck tightened into cords when he saw that Elisabeth, clad only in her t-shirt and tracksuit pants, was pinned against the wall by the taller of the two men.

Her jaw was set, defiant in the face of danger, but Noah had witnessed her panic attacks. He knew what they were about, and he knew that deep down, she would be horrified. Hot, swelling rage, like magma, bubbled in Noah's stomach. Silently, he slid through the door, before seizing the intruder with the rations roughly by the back of his coat and pulling him into a choke hold.

" _Lukas_!" the man gurgled as Noah crushed his windpipe, struggling as he fought to disarm him. Noah wrestled to jerk the other man's gun from his coat pocket, and it clattered noisily Noah's feet. He shot his leg out quickly to kick it away.

The intruder with Elisabeth spun around, and Noah's stomach dropped as he saw he had a pocketknife in his hand. Elisabeth lunged to escape, but the brute, at least six feet tall, tightened his grip on her wrist, throwing her hard against the wall. Noah ground his teeth as the stranger pressed the tip of the knife to the hollow of Elisabeth's neck. Noah yanked his hostage's head beside his mouth, pressing the gun deep into the fleshy spot between his neck and jaw.

"You're brave men," Noah snarled into the man's ear, "attacking a deaf girl." He tightened his grip around the trespasser's throat, and the man writhed as he fought to breathe. Elli glanced over the brute's shoulder at Noah, lifting her chin. Noah bobbed his head minutely at her, _'you okay?'_

Elisabeth nodded back coolly, but she was trembling like a leaf. Noah and Elisabeth had practised for something like this, but not for years. They'd become complacent in their cave, and Noah prayed that Elli would remember better than he did. Noah shoved the gun further into the man's throat.

The man with Elisabeth raised his free hand. "We don't want trouble," he said, but his knife tip against Elisabeth's throat said otherwise.

"If you don't want trouble, leave her and get out." Noah's voice was low, dangerous. He constricted his grip on the man in his arms, who gasped for air. "Touch her, and see what happens."

The tall man shook his head, and Noah flinched as he gestured around the cabin. "We need supplies. You have plenty. And this place can only fit two."

"Good thing there's only two of us living here, then," Noah responded, but his voice wavered for a fraction of a second.

"There's room enough for two men and a pretty young lady, I suppose." Noah's face darkened as the man slid his knife down Elisabeth's front. She scowled. "Let us take what we want, or we'll take her instead."

Noah clenched his jaw, nostrils flaring. His finger hovered over his gun's trigger at the man's throat. _No, no._ He reasoned with himself. _Be logical. Think._ He inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself. He couldn't risk it. He would not lose Elisabeth. He knew his future already existed, so he would not die, not yet. But it was not his own death that frightened Noah. Elisabeth being harmed, or worse, frightened Noah.

If what Jonas said was true, Elisabeth would not die, but he didn't know that for certain. Those familiar splinters of doubt burrowed into Noah's skin. She could still be harmed, and he could still lose her. His stomach wobbled as the man used the knife's blade to life Elli's shirt, and Noah watched in horror as he pressed the blade against her flesh, just hard enough to draw blood. Elisabeth's face contorted, and Noah bared his teeth, his neck rigid.

"You fucking _bastard_ ," Noah growled, and his focus was compromised. A mistake. His grip on the man in his arms loosened for less than a millisecond, which was long enough for everything to move very quickly.

The man Noah was choking twisted Noah's arm as he tore away, and Noah's finger pulled the trigger on reflex. _BANG._ The pop rung out around them, and a fist cracked into Noah's face, and again, and again, over and over, knuckles meeting cheekbone. Noah stumbled backwards, desperately trying to hold onto his gun. He fell against the windowsill, tasting blood, and blindly aimed his weapon. Elisabeth, he willed, get out of the way.

He pointed the barrel in the direction of the man, and pulled the trigger again.

_Bang._

Noah's vision was blurred, his tongue thick and metallic with blood. Everything was moving so slowly. The sound of the man grunting in pain gave Noah a fleeting sense of satisfaction and relief, but before he could finish the job, the injured intruder had stumbled out the door. Noah let him go, his ears ringing as he tried to raise himself from the windowsill.

Noah's world spun, and a high-pitched whining was all he could hear. But he couldn't stop now. Not when he didn't know if Elisabeth was safe. Before he fully regained his vision, he whipped around to find the other brute straddling Elisabeth. Noah bared his teeth, aiming his gun at the man's head, but his mind was so foggy that he couldn't get a clear view.

Noah whistled as loudly as he could muster with his bleeding lips. The man looked up momentarily, and Elisabeth took the chance to swiftly knee him in the crotch. He groaned in pain, and Elisabeth rolled out from beneath him and tried to get to her feet, not quickly enough. The man pulled Elisabeth back by the hair and wrapped a gloved hand around her throat, pinning her to the wall. Noah snarled and blinked blearily, trying to hold the gun steady as he aimed at the attacker, but the shot wasn't clear. Noah could hardly see, hardly breathe. He couldn't shoot without it hitting Elisabeth.

He had no choice.

Noah sprung on the man from behind, wrapped his arms around his neck and squeezing as tightly as he could. The man scratched at Noah's arm, trying to pry him off. Noah wrestled him to the wooden floor until he was on top of him, and the veins in the man's temples bulged. His face covering fell down, revealing a weathered face and wild eyes. He spat in Noah's face.

They struggled, palms in eyes, writhing, sweating. Then, a searing, stinging pain bit into Noah's shoulder. He hissed, but maintained his grip. Noah bellowed as the man's hand retracted, the pocketknife glistening with blood. Noah wrenched the hand with the knife away from him, and the man screamed as Noah smashed his gun into the wrist with a loud cracking sound. The man weakened, moaning, and Noah saw his chance.

He wound a hand into the man's hair and slammed his head backwards onto the wood, and Noah drew back his fist, throwing his entire weight against the man's temple.

Noah's mind went blank, white noise in his ears. He hit him again. Over, and over, and over. Harder, and harder, and harder again. Blood spurted onto Noah's face, over Noah's hands, into his mouth, mingling with his own.

His punches slowed when he felt the man go limp beneath him. He panted, his head thumping. Noah came to, falling onto the body beneath him, panting. His hair was plastered to his face, matted with blood. The man's face was a canvas of scarlet and crimson, and Noah recoiled in horror when he saw that the man's face was his father's, cold brown eyes staring up at him.

"No." He rubbed his eyes, and looked again. A stranger stared back. Noah dry-heaved, shivering. He raised himself, legs weak, and gradually, he returned from that dark abyss. He wiped his hair back with his forearm, and looked up at Elisabeth, who had her back against the wall. His stomach dropped. She had seen it all. Noah wanted to vomit, expecting to see disgust, fear, or revulsion on her face. "Elisabeth," he croaked.

his vision cleared enough to see her, and they stared at one another. Noah saw, then, that her expression was not what he anticipated.

It was one of relief.

Noah exhaled as he saw her, safe and unharmed, his knees buckling. Elisabeth rushed forwards, and they collapsed into one another with sweet reprieve. Noah groaned, a release of adrenaline fuelled energy, enveloping Elisabeth as tightly as he possibly could. Elisabeth clung to him with equal force, and Noah inhaled her scent, touched her hair, savoured the sensation of her warmth. They held onto one another as if letting each other go would cause the earth beneath them to collapse.

Noah cupped the back of Elisabeth's head fiercely, pressing his lips to her temple. Elisabeth's hands scrunched into his coat with desperation. They stood like that for minutes, entwined in each other's arms, until Noah pulled away. The adrenaline was wearing off, and now he was shaking uncontrollably. The world was unsteady, and Noah felt faint. "I thought I was going to lose you," he choked out, even though Elli couldn't hear him. His hands were bloody and trembling as he pushed the hair out of Elisabeth's face, smearing her cheek with sticky crimson. Elisabeth mirrored the action, her hands on both sides of Noah's battered face. She assessed his injuries. Noah's cheeks, forehead and split lips pulsated where he'd been hit. He knew he would bruise badly, but he didn't care.

Elisabeth pulled his forehead down to press it against hers, and Noah closed his eyes, sighing raggedly in relief. When he opened them again, Elisabeth's gaze flicked to the man on their cabin floor. She swallowed, looking back at Noah, a question. Noah nodded. They knew what they would have to do.

They dragged the body outside, far into the trees. Noah's shoulder pulsated as they carried the man to a nearby fox den. Noah was not present, not embodied, not even in this world anymore. He went through the macabre paces with Elisabeth, and Noah hazily recalled the corpses of the small family who had died in the cabin, and the more dignified burial. Now, they mechanically concealed the body beneath wet bracken and leaves, communicating only with their eyes.

Noah and Elli made the sombre walk back to the cabin, and the dirt beneath Noah's feet grew spongy and unstable. He moaned and leaned against a tree, nauseous. White spots covered Noah's vision and Elisabeth clutched his arm as his legs faltered. Warm dampness rushed down his left arm, and reminded him that he was injured. "Oh."

 _You're hurt_ , Elli signed, and wrapped her arm around his waist to hold him upright. Her eyes were wide with concern. "I'm fine, Elli," Noah croaked, signing weakly, but the gash in his shoulder was already seeping through his shirt. He knew he had been struck with the pocketknife in his shoulder, but the pain hadn't registered until now. He pressed his hand to the cut, applying as much pressure as he could. Noah's head grew light at the burning sensation.

Elisabeth somehow got him back to the cabin, and Noah didn't even remember how he came to be leaning against the inside wall. He protested as Elisabeth moved his shoulder to take off his coat, muttering to herself. She mouthed something but Noah couldn't concentrate as she searched his body. She spotted the hole in his jacket and the blood, and immediately began stripping Noah's coat off.

Her hands were shaking as she rolled his sleeve up to his shoulder. Noah grimaced and hissed as the pain intensified, and Elisabeth helped him pull his t-shirt over his head. Noah moaned in agony, but some physical, instinctive part of Noah enjoyed the hurried action, her frenzied fingers. He was too exhausted to think any coherent thoughts. His mind undulated with pain and relief and disgust at himself.

The room rolled and swirled. Elisabeth helped Noah down to a sitting position, crouching beside him. Noah moaned when she leant him forwards to examine the wound, and she leapt into action. _It needs …._ She signed blinked, the world growing dim. He didn't know what it needed. Noah watched hazily as she dashed around the cabin for supplies, their first-aid kit, water and a compress.

Elisabeth returned, and took his chin in her hand, tipping his face upwards. Noah's world spun, but he kept his eyes on Elisabeth. She's safe, he reassured himself. She is safe. She was gentle with him, and knew exactly what to do, following the steps she had seen Noah and Jonas follow last year after her injury. Elisabeth pulled out a needle from their first-aid kit. _Stitches,_ she mouthed. This was a deeper cut, so it would have to be sewn up.

She washed her hands with the water bottle, and knelt down beside Noah. Elisabeth signed in a rush. _I've got you. Just breathe. I'm here._

Noah nodded. He was ready.

\---

An hour or so later, dusk was upon them. Noah's shoulder was messily sewn shut. The bleeding had all but stopped as Elisabeth knelt beside Noah and gently dabbed the wounds on his face. Noah watched Elisabeth's hazel eyes flick back and forth as she worked. Beautiful, he thought. Pain evaporated with her presence.

 _Stop moving your head,_ she half-signed with her free hand, pressing the compress to his temple. _You could have died._

The weight of her words were a punch in the gut, but not for the reasons she intended. Noah had killed a man today. Another man was dead because of him. But he did not feel guilty, not in the slightest. No man was free of sin. He shook his head in response to Elisabeth. "My future already exists," he said, signing weakly. Elisabeth put the compress down, before wiping a smear of blood off Noah's face.

 _I've done as much as I can, but the bleeding has stopped_ , she signed. She began to get up to get more water, but Noah softly clutched her arm.

"Stay," he said, signing feebly. He needed her near him. "Please. Please just… sit with me."

Elisabeth softened. She nodded, and Noah could have sworn she was an angel from Dante's _Paradiso_ which they had read together. He didn't just protect her; she protected him in return. She sat down next to him, crossing her legs. Tentatively, she placed a hand on Noah's knee, stroking it with her thumb, and Noah smiled weakly. The fatigue was setting in, but his mind still raced. _I thought she was going to be hurt, or even die,_ Noah realised with dread. _I thought she was going to die, and I forgot anything Adam ever told me._ Noah had always thought his life could be separated into two halves; before Sic Mundus, and after Sic Mundus.

Noah knew then that that was not the case. It was before Elisabeth, and after Elisabeth.

"Elli, if anything happened to you… I don't…" he knew she couldn't hear him, but that made it easier. She watched him, trying to keep up with his lips. She squeezed his knee, and Noah's tongue was loose. "If I lose you, what's the point? If you go to Paradise early without me, what's the point? Of anything? Of me being here?" _Of falling in love with you? Those_ words hung on the end of his tongue, unspoken.

He looked her in the eyes. "Elli," he croaked, signing weakly. He swallowed. "…Tell me about Paradise."

What it meant was, _I love you._

Elisabeth's lips parted in surprise. She nodded. _Let me get you some water, first,_ she signed, and Noah was overwhelmed with gratefulness. She handed him a full water canteen, and Noah took a sip in thanks. Elisabeth settled across from him, the way he always did for her. 

He watched her as she signed their mantra. _Paradise is free of pain and suffering,_ she signed. Noah did not take his eyes from hers, mesmerised by her. _Everything we've ever done is forgotten there. All the dead live. The Passage will open, and we will go there, you and me._ Ellis eyes shone as she made the final sign. _Together._

Noah's throat grew thick. "Together," he echoed, mimicking the sign. Elisabeth leant in close to his face, and Noah shivered as she brushed her lips feather-light against his, making sure not to touch the cuts. Noah lifted his hand to cup her face, kissing her back. 

He swore then that nothing, no one, would ever separate him from Elisabeth's side.


	29. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> March, 2029. A few days after the intrusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BLOODY HELL this was SO hard to write. Bring back action, this was the hardest chapter I've ever written. Almost cried at many points.

The dim dusk light was fading quickly, and Noah lay on his bedroll, shirt off, flat on his back. His shoulder was healing well, and Elisabeth had pulled her sleeping bag close to his, checking the stitches. The bruises on his face were yellowing, and his lips and eye were no longer swollen, which relieved Elisabeth. She gently wrapped the fresh bandage around Noah's shoulder, looping it under his armpit.

Noah grimaced with every loop, but Elisabeth was acutely aware of his gaze on her face, the softness of his expression almost halting her movements. She grazed her thumb over his skin when she finished wrapping, an attempt to be comforting, the way her mum had done when Elisabeth had fallen or cut herself.

 _All clean_ , Elisabeth signed, and Noah smiled lazily, grateful, carefully rolling up to a sitting position. Elli thought she'd done pretty well for her first time sewing up a wound. She had read enough to know how to knot them, and clean them.

 _Thank you, little fox,_ Noah signed. His smile was wan, though, as he rested his hand on Elisabeth's knee. Elisabeth covered it with her own.

Noah had been more withdrawn during the week since the ordeal, and not just because of his injury. Elisabeth understood. She remembered it all. The confusion, the guilt, the horror, the relief of killing. Killing the Monster. It was hard to reconcile what she had done with herself, but she'd come to accept that it had to be done, and that the Monster even deserved it. But that didn't mean the nightmares of his bloody face beneath her had stopped completely.

Seeing Noah's capability for brutality had not frightened Elisabeth as much as he seemed to think. It would have, once upon a time, but not now. She had said as much to Noah, who had nodded glumly, but she could tell something was eating at him. She hoped it was not him worrying about her perception of him. In that case, she would be a hypocrite.

Elli picked up Noah's t-shirt, and gestured for him to put his good arm up. Elisabeth, as much as she hated Noah being in pain, liked this part a lot. She came in close, and tried desperately to keep her eyes on Noah's, but it was difficult when he was just sitting there like that, all bare, taut muscle and sleepy blue eyes. Elisabeth's breath hitched as their eyes met, not breaking contact as she slowly, carefully, slid the shirt over Noah's head, then carefully over the shoulder. His skin radiated heat, and she made sure not to lose focus when her eye caught a glimpse of the ink on his back. His comfort was more important.

 _I never said thank you_ , Elisabeth signed when his shirt was on. Noah cocked his head. _For… saving me. More than once._

Noah shook his head. _I should be the one thanking you, Elli_ , he signed, pointing to his shoulder.

 _You did the same for me_ , Elli responded, pointing to her leg. He had protected her all these years, even when she had been at her most infuriating and hormonal and headstrong. It was her turn to protect him.

Noah looked at Elisabeth, and her stomach did a somersault at the intensity of his expression. Tentatively, she leaned in, and Noah predicted her movement and mirrored it. He lifted his hand to touch her jaw, and a wave of heat enveloped Elisabeth as he swept his thumb along her bottom lip. But as their lips were about to meet, he put a hand to her chest, stopping her. _Wait_ , he mouthed, and his lip quivered. _Wait._

Elisabeth blinked, slightly disappointed. She looked up through her eyelashes, and saw Noah's jaw was twitching. He pressed his forehead to hers, scrunching his eyes shut, before pulling away. For a moment, she was confused, but when Noah looked at his hands, she understood immediately.

Guilt. She recognised the symptoms.

He was still dealing with what had happened with the intruder. Elisabeth felt awful that she had assumed everything was okay, when he was coping with the trauma of killing a man for the first time. She just wanted to erase his pain, bring him Paradise in this hell that was earth. She searched for the right words. _I know how you feel,_ Elisabeth signed, feeling helpless. She wanted him to know that it was normal to feel this way, that she was there for him, and that sometimes, in dire situations, killing was necessary. He had told her that. _But_ _he had to die. He was a bad person._

Noah's eyebrows furrowed, and he rubbed his mouth, shaking his head. Elisabeth's chest tightened when she noticed his blue eyes were rimmed with red, his mouth set in a firm line. She recognised immediately the signs of hard-fought tears; she had seen them on her father, on her sister, even on Jonas, and on herself. But rarely, if ever, on Noah.

Noah was stoic. He got angry, frustrated, disappointed, yes; but he hid all in the manner of sadness or sorrow. Even when they talked about his father, when they talked about Agnes, or his mother. Noah was fortitude. He was granite and marble, a pillar strength of who held her as she wept.

To see him like this… it shook Elisabeth. More than that. It broke her heart.

Elisabeth's stomach twisted, and she could not help herself. For all the times he had held her as she cried, she would return the kindness. She got onto her knees, and took the sides of his face in her hands, angling it gently so he could not escape her gaze. He wouldn't stop shaking his head, and Elisabeth was growing anxious.

Talk to me, her wide eyes implored, and Noah's lip twitched. His features hardened, and Elisabeth's lungs constricted when he reached up and gently pulled her hands down to her lap. Her heart sank. Oh.

She knew this expression, too. And she hadn't seen it on Noah before, either. She'd seen this expression on her mum and dad and Franziska, around the dinner table. It was the face of someone holding something back. _What is it?_ She signed, suddenly afraid. She panicked.

Is it me? She wondered, stricken. Oh, god _._

Had he changed his mind? Was this not what he wanted? Was Sic Mundus against her? Against them? Would he leave her? Was he a liar? Had this whole thing been a sham, like she had first thought? Part of Adam's plan?

She couldn't take that. She couldn't. Where would she put all the love she had for him? Her head spun, and she tried to calm herself down. She was being ridiculous.

Noah took a deep breath, and pulled out his notepad. Elisabeth held her breath, dreading the worst. The floor was collapsing beneath her. She didn't want to know anymore. _Don't_ , she willed to him. _Whatever it is, don't tell me._ His hand shook as he wrote, and when he showed the notepad to Elli, she was too scared to read it.

So she read it.

 _That man wasn't the first_.

Elisabeth exhaled. It wasn't about her, which was a relief. Still, the words didn't quite register. They didn't seem to even be words. Elisabeth read them again, and again… and comprehension dawned on her.

Her stomach turned, her mouth going dry.

She looked up at Noah, ashen. _You mean…?_

Noah nodded, avoiding her eyes. Elisabeth's breathing accelerated. She took a deep breath in, shaky, trying to calm herself. _Okay,_ Elisabeth signed weakly, queasy. What did this mean? Did he mean in self-defence? Her gut felt hollow when she considered the other possibilities. _When?_ She managed to sign, her mind racing. _Who?_

Noah swallowed, and kept writing. His face had turned a sickly shade of grey, and Elisabeth trembled. He was in anguish, his expression pained. He finished writing, and paused, reluctant to turn the page to face Elisabeth. She looked at him for a moment before reading. Elisabeth's throat grew thick as tears spilt down Noah's cheeks. She read.

_He wasn't a bad person. But I am._

Elisabeth's vision was beginning to blur, her pulse in her ears. Confusion. Conflict. You are the best man I've ever met, she wanted to scream at him. Wasn't he? She grabbed her Christmas blanket for support, wringing her hand into the soft wool. _Who?_ she signed again, frightened. _Why?_

What frightened Elisabeth wasn't only the answer. The answer didn't really matter. What frightened her was exactly that; the answer _didn't really matter_.

But it did.

But it didn't.

Did it?

Elisabeth loved Noah. Nothing could change that. Nothing. Noah was not bad; she knew that. Noah was not evil. How could a man who held a picture of a girl dancing in the rain at all times be evil? A man who found books and cakes and blankets for birthdays and Christmas? Who laughed and kissed and held her as she cried? Who danced and drew and watched the sunrise, who taught and read and worshipped? Who protected? Who saved? Who loved?

To kill was a sin. Elisabeth knew better than anyone. But Noah had been the one to tell Elisabeth that no one was free of sin. What was the death of one random, when she and Noah would bring the salvation of many? Noah had told her early on, in her worst moments of grief, that death could potentially be a gift; an ascension from the inferno of this world of pain, into Paradise. But Elisabeth knew how hollow the words seemed when she had been the one who was grieving. And she knew the Monster had no gone to Paradise.

Noah's chin wobbled, and he wiped his eyes furiously with the back of his hand. Suddenly, he seemed awfully, painfully young. _For the Plan,_ he signed, and his tears ran down the edge of his nose. It tore at Elisabeth to see him like this. _Adam told me to do it. To make sure everything happened as it always had._

Tears sprung into Elisabeth's eyes at the words. Surely Adam would not order Noah to such a thing. _Did someone lose faith?_ She signed, remembering what Noah had told her about Adam and the faithless. Noah nodded, and his face contorted as he began to sob. Elisabeth's heart shattered, Tears stinging her eyes.

 _The fact you feel so guilty about it means you are a good man,_ Elisabeth signed desperately, but Noah only shook his head, covering his face with his hands. He pulled them away, his face red and blotchy.

 _You don't understand, Elli,_ Noah signed. Elisabeth let the tears in her eyes spill over. What didn't she understand? _It wasn't just anyone I had to kill. Adam said, in order to uphold the cycle, to become a traveller, to find you, to reach Paradise, I had to sacrifice everything that I ever held dear._ _To send him to Paradise before me._

Held dear.

Him.

Elisabeth froze, and the logic of her rationale bent and groaned under the weight of those words. Her heart plummeted through the floor, and she sunk backwards, bile rising in her throat. Noah had loved very few people. She recalled all the times she had brought up his family, the pain on his face, the reluctance to discuss them, to discuss his mother, Agnes… to discuss…

_Your father._

Noah pushed his palms into his eyes, and Elisabeth sat back, reeling.

His father. Nausea and conflicting emotions swirled through her, too many to count, a concoction of horror and sorrow and pity.

Noah had killed someone he loved. A blood relative.

He was capable of that. Her own father had been killed in cold blood.

Elisabeth couldn't swallow, couldn't breathe.

But… Noah had killed someone he loved for Adam. For Sic Mundus.

He regretted it.

It caused him pain.

Adam knew what was right, what had to happen.

Noah's pain and suffering was _because_ of Adam. Noah had killed his father to uphold the Plan.

An empty stare was all she could manage when the realisation hit her, a blow to her gut.

Noah had killed someone he loved to reach _Elisabeth._

Elisabeth raised herself, her legs like jelly. Noah looked up at her, and struggled to do the same, using his good arm and the wall to stand. Elisabeth couldn't see through hot tears. _You killed him because you had to come here_ , she signed, half-blind. _To protect me._ Did that make her complicit? She stared at Noah through bleary eyes, stomach roiling. His face was pale, cheeks hollow.

 _I'm sorry_ , he signed. Elisabeth didn't know how to feel. She knew patricide was wrong. But Adam, their leader, had ordained it. She was drowning in guilt and confusion. He had to give up everything for Adam's Plan, for Sic Mundus, for her. To protect her.

 _You did it to follow the Plan,_ she signed, shaking. For me. I'm the reason you had to do it.

Noah's mouth opened slightly, just the barest hint of a movement. He signed, purposeful, his eyes pleading and moist with tears. _If I had not taken that step, if I had not followed what had been set out for me, I would not be here with you. To reach Paradise, I had to in order to follow the path, otherwise I would not be here. It all led me here, to you._

Elisabeth's gut twisted in guilt, but under all the fear, the questioning, the guilt, the moral obligations, something strange and disturbing simmered. A chilling gratitude.

A dark part of her relished the words.

 _I need to walk,_ Elisabeth signed, and the expression on Noah's face, her Noah, tore at her. She needed to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moral conflict is so hard to write omgggg FUCK is it in character? shit


	30. Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> March, 2029. Immediately after the last chapter.

Noah followed her to the patio, heart in his throat. His injured shoulder pulled painfully, but he barely felt it. "Elli," he croaked, uselessly. "ELISABETH!"

But she was too quick, or he was too slow. She was gone.

"Fuck." He slammed the wood beside the door with his hand as he stormed back inside. He had ruined it. "What is the point," he spat, tears salty on his lips as he tore at his hair. "What is the point, Adam?" He kicked his sleeping back, picking up his personal journal filled with Sic Mundus text and Hermetic scripture. "What is the FUCKING POINT?" He tore at the pages, the elaborate drawings and writing turning to confetti in his hands. "The Passage hasn't even opened. Why must I kill my father? Why must I travel? Why do this to me if it is just going to cause nothing but pain?” his hands shook. "Why make me kill him, then send me here if she is just going to end up _hating me_?" he yelled, throwing the book down.

"Noah?"

A soft voice broke through Noah's torment. He spun round, and Jonas stood in the doorway, pulling his hood back. The wisp of a moustache was growing on his lip, his cheeks shadowed with stubble.

Noah laughed humourlessly. "Of course it would be you," he snapped. "It's always you, isn't it? You cause all of it. Everything." Noah was a bubbling pot, boiling over, his voice rising as he yelled. "Why is EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF _YOU_?"

Jonas was still for a moment, then sighed, resigned. It pissed Noah off. "Yeah. I ask myself that question every day." Jonas dropped the pack on his back and took a step towards Noah. "I don't know what I did this time, but I believe you." He paused when he saw the tears on Noah's face, heard the tremor in his voice. Noah turned away, ashamed. He didn't want Jonas, of all people, to see him like this. "Noah, what happened?"

Noah wanted to scream at Jonas to leave him, to let him rage and yell in peace. But he didn't. His lips twisted as he held back his tears. "I fucked it all up. Everything," he managed to whisper. Noah wiped his eyes, sniffing hard. His vulnerability was not for Jonas. He wouldn't know how to handle it. Not the way that Elli did.

Jonas frowned, looking around the cabin. "Where is she?"

Noah shook his head, aching. "I don't know. Gone. I doubt she will ever come back."

"Don't be stupid. People fight. She'll come back."

Noah whirled around, seizing Jonas by the lapels of his jacket. "Will she? Will she, Jonas?" he snarled, but his voice cracked, mortifying. He sunk into Jonas, his grip on his coat front loosening as he turned to water. "Why? Why do this to me? Why bring me to her only to take her away?"

Jonas grabbed Noah's wrists, gripping tightly. Noah winced at the pain in his shoulder, the shoulder Elisabeth had been tending to only minutes ago. He fought the urge to slap Jonas away and scream. "Noah, listen to me, for once." Jonas' voice was firm, uncharacteristically so. Noah pursed his quivering lips, hard. "She loves you. I don't know what happened, or if it is as bad as you say, but she loves you. And you love her. She'll forgive you."

Noah looked at Jonas' feet. The words were a knife, twisting in his shoulder. He did love her. He loved her so much. "I don't want to be forgiven," he said. " _I don't deserve it_. I don't deserve Paradise, and I don't deserve her." He pushed Jonas away, thumping his shoulder with his own as he passed him, hissing in pain. Good. He wanted the pain. "I don't want any of it," he spat without looking back at Jonas. "I don't want any of this."

He stormed out before Jonas could muster a response. He needed to find Elisabeth.

\----

Noah's feet carried him up the forest path. He was barely lucid as he crashed through the dense undergrowth. It was going to get dark in a few hours, and the air was cooling down.

Elli could be in danger.

He needed to find her.

 _But what if she doesn't want to be found?_ His thoughts murmured. The possibility pained Noah, but her safety was paramount. 

But... what if she truly never wanted to see him again?

That thought was just too awful for Noah to consider for too long. He could think about it once Elisabeth was safe and warm.

He reached the cave, and came a halt as he stared at it, eerie in the dim evening light. His and Elisabeth's first home together. The Passage through time. The very place he had brutally killed his own father. Sacred, hallowed ground, stained with life blood and dark material.

How could one place have so many identities?

Noah turned on his torch, and entered. He didn't need his torch, not really. He knew the twists and turns better than anyone. He shone the torch in every crack and crevasse, looked behind every corner, until he eventually reaching the Passage, finding it in the same state as always. Closed, with rocks and dirt crumbled around it.

An empty void, and no Elisabeth.

After an hour of searching, Noah emerged from the cave, distraught and empty-handed. The forest hummed in the dusky twilight, the whirr of radiation somewhat comforting in that it helped mask Noah's thoughts. He winced as he moved his shoulder, letting it adjust to the stitches. He turned and looked back into the darkness, and sunk to the ground to sit, leaning against the rock by the mouth of the cave.

Tears sprung into Noah's eyes as he recalled their first kiss. He patted his coat, fishing out the Polaroid picture of Elli, spinning in the rain. His stomach knotted as he stroked the image with his thumb.

Now, he understood.

He understood everything that Adam had ever told him. "Only when we've freed ourselves of emotion can we be truly free," Noah muttered aloud, stretching his legs out in front of him as he recalled Adam's words. _All actions are motivated by desire. As much as man may try to repress the desire, man cannot free himself from the eternal servitude to his feelings. Desire is his compass_. "It is all that man is capable of."

Maybe he really was just that. A man. Nothing special, like Adam had told him he was. A boy.

A boy who loved a girl, in a world that was too cruel for them.

Maybe, in another world, it would be different. Maybe in another world, they would be free.

But Noah doubted he would ever be free. He tucked the picture safely back into his pocket, and leaned his head back, sighing heavily. He closed his eyes, letting the forest sounds wash over him. "I hope you're proud, Adam," he mumbled. 

His eyes flicked open when the sound of a stick snapping echoed from nearby. Noah turned his head, and his stomach leapt when he saw a silhouette step from the trees and into the clearing. His eyes adjusted, and Noah exhaled shakily when he saw the face beneath the hood. It was Elisabeth, her face pale and haunted. She pulled back her hood, her hair silver-gold in the evening light, like a moon goddess or a forest nymph.

Noah's heart thumped in his chest. She came to the cave, he thought. Whether to tell him she wanted nothing to do with him or otherwise, she came to their cave. "Elli," Noah croaked, carefully rising to his feet. His tongue was like lead in his mouth, and he was frozen to the spot. He forced his hands to move. "I'm sorry," he managed, signing slowly, purposefully. "I can't change what you might think of me. All I can say is that I did it so that one day, it would no longer happen. I did it for my father to be free of pain. For Paradise."

Elisabeth's mouth opened slightly, then closed again, and she bobbed her head once, her face contorting as she looked at the ground between them. _I know you did_ , she signed, and Noah was immediately overwhelmed. _I have been thinking hard about it._

She was talking to him. It was more than he deserved. "Thinking hard," Noah repeated aloud. Had she made her decision? Noah wanted nothing more than to hold her close, kiss away the tears forming in her eyes, the tremble in her chin. But it was her choice what happened next. Elisabeth looked up again, her mouth a firm line, she began to sign.

 _In Paradise,_ she signed, and the ground beneath Noah's feet shifted. _Everything we have ever done is forgotten there._ Noah's heart skipped a beat. Yes, he thought, hope bubbling in his chest. _All the dead… live._ She finished their mantra, and Noah took another step closer to her. So did Elisabeth.

His pulse was racing, and he had never shaken so much. Noah nodded rapidly. "Yes. Yes," he signed. "He will be there, and so will I." God, he had so many things to say. Following the Plan was his entire reason for existence, maintaining the cycle. What was coming was not a part of his plan. But he had to say them. There was no other choice for Noah, not anymore. He was so nervous he thought he might vomit. Words spilled out instead, "But… "his voice cracked, "I don't want paradise if you're not there, Elli."

It had begun. All of it was coming out.

Elisabeth's eyes widened, tears glimmering on her lower lid. Noah couldn't stop. He didn't know how. "I don't care for a Paradise without you." He swallowed, braving himself. "Adam be damned. Fuck the Plan, too, if you're not a part of it. I don't want to lose you. Nothing matters except you. Not the Plan, not Adam, nothing."

Elisabeth's lips parted, her eyes shimmering. _I don't want to lose you, either_ , she signed, and Noah could have cried with relief.

Noah wasn't finished, though.

"I didn't mean for this to happen," he signed. "It isn't a part of the Plan, but it is how it is." He took a deep breath. "Elisabeth, I am in love with you." Noah took a gasping breath as he signed the last sentence, and now it was all there. Out in the open, hovering in the space between them. It was done. The Ark had sailed. "I love you," he repeated.

Elisabeth let out a sound, halfway between a sob and a gasp. She took a step towards him, tears streaming down her cheeks, and Noah was so dizzy thought he might collapse. _I love you too,_ she signed back. _I love you, Noah._

Their bodies met like two stars colliding. Noah gripped Elisabeth like she was all that was holding him to the planet, winding his fingers into her hair as they embraced. She dug her fingers into his hair, and Noah swore the two of them became one, in that moment as they cried into each other, standing in the mouth of the cave.

Elisabeth pulled his damp face to hers, tight between her hands. Noah mirrored her, and she pressed her forehead to his, their smiles teary with relief and desperate love.

When they kissed, their tears mingled, salty on their lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeeeeeeeee we LOVE THE SWEET ANGSTY CONFESSIONS DON'T WE Y'ALL WE LIVE FOR THE CONFESSIONS  
> also, at first I was like, did they make up too quickly? then I thought about when my bf and I are pissed at each other and it not lasting longer than a day sooooo it's realistic I guess...? also I didn't want them to be apart for any longer ;_; also did you spot the quote Noah said to Charlotte in the show?


	31. Proof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some chapters are just great to write. This was one of them. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR LOVELY COMMENTS AND MESSAGES ON TUMBLR I DON'T DESERVE YOU ALL xxx

_I love you._

How long had it been since those words had been said to her before Noah had said them? Eight, nine years?

Elisabeth replayed the moment in her mind's eye, the sincerity in his eyes, the fraught, tear-stained kiss they'd shared outside the cave. Noah loved her.

And she loved him. And she would never stop telling him.

Two weeks later, it was raining heavily outside the cabin. Elisabeth lay on her side, reading on her bedroll. She peered over her book, watching as Noah sketched in his half-torn journal, drawing cave diagrams and little rabbits and foxes and birds. Her eyes followed as his hands shaded and circled with deft precision.

Those same hands which had killed his father.

Noah's confession had shaken her, rendering her dizzy and hollow and afraid. Elisabeth had walked out blindly the day he had told her, a fortnight ago.

She'd walked for miles down the forest road, unaware of her surroundings. She had eventually found herself by the lake, where she had sat and stared into space for hours. She'd questioned everything, and cried occasionally, and pondered over death, and love, and life, and Paradise. Did Noah understand the depth of her love for him? Did anything matter besides her love for him? What was death? What was Paradise? She repeated their mantra, over and over and over again… and the conclusion had come to her in a moment of clarity.

Everything she and Noah had done, all the suffering they had endured, would be forgotten in Paradise. No human was free of sin; not even Elisabeth. While a part of her could not justify killing, another part, a stronger part, told her something else. What did death matter, Elisabeth wondered, if the suffering and evil deeds of this world happened to ensure that they would never happen again? To ensure that they reached Paradise?

All the dead would be alive in Paradise. Her father was there, and he would meet her when she reached it. Noah sending his own father there, while seemingly terrible and immoral… was a gift.

If both of their fathers were in Paradise, waiting for them, free of suffering and pain and chaos, how could that be something terrible? How was it not something beautiful?

All these thoughts and justifications had collapsed into dust and rubble when Noah had told her he loved her and that nothing else mattered.

Elisabeth realised, then, that their love for each other outweighed their love for Paradise. But that did not mean Paradise was not important.

It only meant that they would never reach Paradise without the other by their side.

They had reunited with tears and revelations, and Noah had apologised until his hands were tired from signing. He hadn't tried to convince her to stay, because he hadn't needed to; he had almost done the opposite, but Elisabeth was stubborn in that she knew that Noah would only do what he thought was for the greater good. They had talked all through the night about Paradise and Noah's father and Elisabeth's own, and had eventually fallen asleep facing one another, sharing Elisabeth's Christmas blanket, their hands entwined.

The truth, while painful to begin with, had changed their dynamic. It had changed something in Elisabeth, in Noah, in the air between them. But not for the worst; the opposite. It had strengthened them, in ways that Elisabeth could never have foreseen. Their relationship had always been, at its core, formed from shifts and changes. It was only natural that something of such severity would cause waves and ripples. But they had settled, and they were Noah and Elisabeth, only stronger, an unbreakable unit.

Now, as she watched Noah draw, the intensity of her love for him overwhelmed Elisabeth. Noah sensed her watching him, and looked up from his sketches, pushing his ash-blonde hair back from his forehead. It was wet from when he had been caught in the rain earlier that morning. He frowned slightly, smiling nervously. _What?_

Elisabeth shook her head, grinning. She had been caught gawping at him, but she didn't care. Noah's forehead furrowed, and he put his pen down, a line appearing between his eyebrows sat he sat up. Elisabeth did the same, rising to sit on her feet.

Noah was worried. _Are you still sure you want me to be here?_ he signed, for the hundredth time that week. Elisabeth's heart ached, because she knew what he really meant was, _are you sure you still want me_? Noah was still deeply ashamed, and uncertain of his position in Elisabeth's heart, no matter how many times she reassured him. And while she was uncertain of her position on death, she would never be unsure about Noah.

 _I am more than sure_ , Elisabeth signed back, meeting his insecure gaze, which was usually so self-assured. _I love you._

Noah's cheeks went pink, and Elisabeth grinned. _I love you too_ , he signed back, and Elisabeth's insides turned into the fluttering birds on Noah's paper. She would never get used to that. She smiled gently, and to ensure he knew she how certain she was, she leant across on her knees and touched her lips to his, just softly, a tiny taste. When she pulled back, her nose close to his, a thrill ran through her at the sight of Noah with his eyes closed, savouring the sensation.

Elisabeth nudged his nose with hers, and Noah's eyes opened, flicking down to her lips and up again. A surge of heat enveloped her, that hot, familiar ache. She was immediately brought back to their kiss in the Kahnwald house. She had kept the red dress, and hoped to wear it again some time. Maybe they'd dance again. She wondered what Noah would think if she decided to wear it for him again, like in the reveries that swirled through her mind in the darkest hours of the night.

She wondered how Noah would react if she told him of all the dreams she had had of him over the past few years, and she wondered if he ever had dreams which were similar. He was a man, and men had desires, even the most devout and faithful. But Noah was always different. But he dreamt of farms and family and dancing, so why not girls? Or, girl?

Noah's finger traced the line of her cheekbone, and Elisabeth sighed contentedly when his hand curled behind her ear, fingers entwining in her hair. She liked it a lot when he did that. She wished he would do that more, with that ferocious, zealous passion she had coaxed from him a few times, at the Kahnwald house and even during their first kiss. She knew Noah was capable of letting go completely. Elisabeth was going to take her chance.

 _Do you ever dream about me?_ She signed when he idly played with the lock of hair by her face. He stopped, moving his hand slowly into his lap.

 _Yes_ , he signed carefully, as if the answer would somehow change Elisabeth's mind about anything. _Of course_. He smiled sheepishly. _Do you? Dream about me?_

Elisabeth tried not to seem too rapt. _I have dreamt about you almost every night for the last eight years_ , she signed, failing. Noah's mouth opened in surprise.

 _Really?_ Noah signed, and Elisabeth forced away the memory of when Noah almost caught her in the throes of passion only months ago, defeating a blush. _What do I do in your dreams?_

 _Everything_ , she signed, not elaborating. We'll see what he makes of that, first, Elisabeth mused. When Noah's expression turned flustered, she elaborated _. Once you fell into an animal trap and I had to rescue you. Hopeless._ Noah laughed, relieved, and Elisabeth's stomach fluttered. _What about me in yours?_ She asked, probing him. She wanted details.

Noah's hands and mouth faltered. _Also everything_ , he signed, and Elisabeth's belly ignited into flames. Did everything mean _her_ everything, or something different to Noah? _We swum once, but I don't know how to swim._

She gasped, then imagined Noah's torso glistening in water and immediately had to make a promise. _I'll teach you one day_ _when the water is safe_ , Elisabeth signed back, and Noah beamed. She had been a great swimmer before the Apocalypse.

Noah looked thoughtful. _In my dreams, we're often in my time. Sometimes we are walking together, or hunting._

The image of her and Noah in the 1910s, in a sunny field of corn or wheat, or at a dance, or in the Inn, made Elisabeth's heart burst into fragments of colours and light.

 _How do I look in 1910s clothes?_ Elisabeth signed, scooting in closer to him. Something behind Noah's eyes flashed, sending heat to Elisabeth's cheeks. _Do I wear an old-fashioned dress, or a potato sack?_ She asked. Or anything at all? She wanted to add. They were swimming in his dreams, after all, but that might be a bit too far.

 _You look beautiful, as always,_ Noah signed, and Elisabeth rolled her eyes, never knowing how to take his compliments. Noah looked sideways, trying to recall his dreams. _You wear my clothes, actually,_ he signed simply, and Elisabeth blinked, swallowing hard. The implications of that meant more to her than they might have to Noah, as she had definitely seen Franziska come home wearing oversized heavy metal t-shirts. Elli couldn't suppress the coquettish grin on her face.

 _As in those old things?_ Elisabeth pointed to Noah's torso at the 1921 clothing that he wore beneath his coat every so often. She loved the baggy, blue, half-unbuttoned cotton shirt, and his crinoline pants, especially when he wore the suspenders. He didn't have those on today. _Do I wear the suspenders too?_

Noah rubbed his eyes as he nodded, looking down at his garments. _You even wore a priest's hat once. Like my older self. Dreams are… strange._

Elisabeth nodded slowly, an idea brewing. _Can I?_ she signed, and Noah cocked his head. _Try your clothes on?_

Noah's eyebrows rose so far up his forehead they almost disappeared into his hair. He gave a shocked laugh. _Please please please,_ Elli begged. _I'd be wearing clothes from over 100 years ago._

 _I was already going to say yes,_ Noah laughed as he signed, but then he realised she didn't want his modern t-shirts. _Wait._ He pointed to his chest. _You want this one?_

Elisabeth nodded. Duh.

_You're going to make me change so you can wear these?_

_Yeah. You can wear mine_. Elli gestured down to her grey V-neck t-shirt and old blue tracksuit pants. They'd stretch.

Noah shook his head, smirking. He thinks I'm kidding, she thought, snorting. _You're mad_ , he signed, but he lifted his hands to his buttons. His fingers trembled slightly, and Elisabeth remembered the night she had touched his tattoo, and wondered if he was remembering the same thing, the heat and the skin and the sacredness of that moment. Things were different now, though. Things could happen that couldn't have back then.

Elisabeth sensed his self-consciousness and looked at her bedroll, but she couldn't help but peek as he undid the buttons, revealing the lean lines and muscle of his torso. Elisabeth was struck with the beauty of him, always somehow better than how she envisioned him.

A mortifying pulsating arose between Elisabeth's legs as he stood before her, all the buttons on his shirt undone. She inhaled slightly. Maybe her plan was a bit more intense than she'd foreseen.

Oh well.

She held her hand out, waiting for the shirt. Noah's eyes lowered, and he turned his back to shrug out of the shirt, and Elisabeth watched the Emerald Tablet on his back undulate and ripple with each movement, the wound on his shoulder pink and pert. Her eyes followed each muscle, drinking in the sight of him. He was heavenly. Paradise.

The shirt landed with a soft puff in her hand, and Noah turned, crossing his arms over his chest. Elli marvelled at the way his forearms were striated with cords of tendon and muscle, but felt slightly guilty making him do this. _Thank you_ , she signed, before freezing. She had to put the shirt on, now. She didn't think she'd get this far.

Elisabeth looked Noah directly in the eyes and began to pull her shirt over her head, like she had done when she tried on the red dress. As if he had read her mind, he whipped his head around, looking everywhere but at Elisabeth in her tatty bra that was slightly too small, her breasts not quite fitting. She wondered if Noah noticed before he looked away. She puffed a laugh through her nose, slipping her arms into the blue, faded fabric of Noah's shirt. It smelt of smoke and dirt and sweat and rain, but was soft on her skin.

She did the buttons up wrong the first time, and gritted her teeth in frustration. She tried again, leaving the top two buttons undone, like Noah did. She pulled the collar down slightly, adjusting her bra. She looked down at herself, satisfied, feeling like one of her literary heroines who pretended to be a simple farm boy in order to follow her dreams.

She threw her grey V-neck at Noah, who turned around and balked. Elisabeth struck a pose. _I feel like I need a pitchfork,_ she signed, and Noah's lip twitched. His eyes had taken on a soft, faraway look. Elisabeth almost giggled, a girlish bubble of air rising in her throat. Her smile faded as he stepped towards her, in all his godlike glory. He hadn't even put the V-neck on.

 _It's like we've stepped into my dreams_ , he signed. Elisabeth lifted her hands and opened her mouth to sign back, but her demand was interrupted by Noah's lips as he bent his neck down and kissed her.

She reacted instinctively; her hands not quite sure of where to go because all he was wearing… was skin. Skin and trousers. She settled for resting her hands on his firm chest, and her breath hitched as Noah's hands rose to slip into her hair. Elli sighed blissfully. They hadn't kissed like this since their confession by the cave, Noah being too afraid he had ruined things, but she could feel his courage and confidence seeping back. It really was as if they were inside hers or Noah's own head, their own world.

When they broke apart, Elli was pleased to see that Noah was just as breathless as her. _So I take it I look okay?_ Elisabeth signed, breathing ragged, and Noah's Adam's Apple bobbed as he swallowed. He nodded, and a flash of something dark, something visceral, flickered behind Noah's eyes, and Elisabeth saw her opportunity. She lunged.

She pulled his face to hers, her lips firm against his. Noah was startled at first, but quickly met her intensity. Elisabeth gasped into his mouth when his body aligned with her own, his arms wrapping up her sides and around her back. This was new, and exciting, and frightening, but Elisabeth let her kiss do the work as she brushed her lips against his cheek, leaving a trail of kisses, causing Noah to shiver.

Curiously, her mouth made its way to the hollow of his jaw, and she felt him hum, a deep vibration in his chest. The heat between Elisabeth's legs grew almost unbearable as Noah tightened his grip on her back, knotting into the shirt.

She was about to venture further when Noah's hands moved from behind her back to her shoulders, and Elisabeth whimpered when he pushed her backwards slightly, breaking the kiss. His lips were red and swollen, his intense blue-grey eyes hooded. Elisabeth lifted her hands to stroke his jaw where she'd kissed him, and he closed his eyes, leaning his body backwards to separate from hers. Elisabeth pulled him back, but he resisted, and Elisabeth let go.

Elisabeth could have kissed him all day, not even stopping to eat or drink. She vowed that she would, one day soon; she was sure of it. All she wanted was to be near Noah, talk to him, touch him, taste him.

But she could sense Noah was still unsure about her feelings, so she decided not to push him. Instead, she traced a finger over Noah's chest, which rose and fell with each breath. _I hope that was proof of how sure I am,_ Elisabeth signed eventually, and Noah's dimple appeared as he smiled, nodding.

 _It was more than proof,_ he signed back. Elisabeth's belly had a thousand scared birds fluttering inside it. She leant up and kissed Noah's cheek chastely, a stark contrast to their impassioned embrace.

 _Good._ Elisabeth leant down to grab her V-neck off the floor. _Now put my shirt on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to delete the phrase "fields of wheat" and rewrite it like 3 times, thanks Theresa


	32. Touch pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late April, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long ass chapter but boy was it fun to write. Also, someone in the zukunft: "How did you survive the 2020 Pandemic?" Me: "there was this time travel show and there was this couple that had like 4 mins of screentime together but they basically got me through life"

"It seems to be in the same state as yesterday, but it's what we can't see that's important. The changes happen on an atomic level," said Claudia, her words cutting through the radioactive whirring that permeated the air. Noah and Jonas followed Claudia back to the bunker from the Plant. Noah had managed to concentrate today, but now that they were away from the God Particle, he was in another world.

He grabbed Jonas by the arm, pulling him back, letting Claudia walk ahead. "Hey, can I talk to you later?"

Jonas nodded. "After we discuss our findings today."

Noah peered into the cabin as they walked to the bunker, in which Claudia and Jonas had now all but taken up residence in. The cabin was empty, and Noah hoped Elli's hunt was going well. She was a better shot than him, now, and could take out a squirrel from a few yards away. Humans, too, if given the chance. He was too lucky, Noah knew; too lucky that Elisabeth had even wanted to look at him after his confession, let alone tell him she loved him in return.

The fallout from his confession had exacerbated his guilt, but Elli's reassurance was genuine, and he was forever grateful that she had seen the motivations behind the deed. He loved her so much, and the fact she loved him back both elated Noah and frightened him to his core. Frightened him, because he felt himself giving in.

The bunker was dark and dim, and Jonas and Claudia had begun compiling photos on the wall of people from Winden, specific to the cycle. It was bizarre, and Noah didn't like to look at it for too long. The trio sat in the incandescent glow of the bunker to go over their new discoveries. Claudia gave the boys some dried beef jerky, which Noah could gnaw on while he waited for him and Jonas to be alone. He sat on the bench against the wall, across from Jonas who settled on the concrete floor.

Noah tried to contribute meaningfully, but his imagination flew away from him like a kite in the wind as he remembered Elisabeth's lips on his, the image of her in his old shirt. How absolutely sensual the vision had been, the sensation of her fervent hands on his bare chest, how awkwardly he had tried to hide his… excitement by bending away from her. He was growing nervous about the sheer ease of their touches, but they were also the most wonderful nerves in the world. Elisabeth was a lady now, not a girl, he knew, but he would never want to dishonour Elisabeth, or do anything ungentlemanly, no matter how intense his feelings grew.

The image of his mother, lying dead after childbirth, was also a stark, bleak reminder of what could not happen. No matter what he wanted.

And god, he wanted.

The discussion felt like it took hours, and Noah was growing restless. Claudia frantically leafed through her notes, trying to find something, and Noah and Jonas raised an eyebrow at one another. She got to her feet, huffing.

"What is it?" Noah asked.

"My notes," Claudia said brusquely. "I've left half of them back at the Plant." Noah silently celebrated; now he could talk with Jonas alone. He was basically pouncing on Jonas by the time Claudia disappeared up the stairs to head back to the Plant.

Jonas got to his feet, shedding his coat. "Okay," he said, "What's up?"

"I…" oh. Now that he could speak freely, Noah's tongue had turned to stone. He should have planned what he needed to ask.

Jonas felt around in his pockets for something, pulling out white thread and unwinding it. "Elisabeth?"

Noah swallowed. "…Yes."

"Okay. About the fight?"

"Oh, no." Noah remembered how he had blown up at Jonas that day, and withered in shame. "No. I think that is all done now." Noah knew his father's death would never truly leave him, nor would Elisabeth ever forget it, but Elli had granted him the forgiveness he never thought he would deserve. He would never forget that as long as he lived.

Jonas nodded slowly. "I told you it would pass. You apologised, then?"

Noah blinked. How does he know that? Jonas knew more about women than he let on. "Yes."

"Good." Jonas leaned against the wall opposite from Noah. "Then what is it?"

Noah frowned, leaning forwards. How to put this into words. He lowered his voice, just in case Claudia returned. "When you… were with Martha," said Noah, clasping his hands together, "how did you handle…" god. "… you know. Feelings."

Jonas snorted. "This again? Do you need me to spell things out for you?"

Noah flushed. "Jonas, please," he growled. "Things are different in my time. And things are different with Elisabeth. She's very…" Noah searched for the word, "…forward." He didn't say how much he enjoyed that aspect of Elli's personality. That was his and Elisabeth's business.

"She is?" Jonas laughed. "The Doppler women are full of surprises, apparently."

"Jonas. Be serious. I don't want to… I don't know if what I feel is… right. Or good." How good it felt when Elisabeth pressed herself against him, how good it felt when her hand brushed his, how good it felt in the dark hours of the night when Noah could lose himself to his imagination… that did not mean it was good in a moral sense.

Jonas sighed. "I can't tell you what's right or not. I don't know. But I know that if what you feel is the same as what she feels, then it can't be wrong, you know? If you both want the same thing, that's a good sign. But don't talk to me about it. Talk to her."

"Talk to her?" Noah's stomach did a somersault. "How?"

"I don't know, Noah! Ask her things! What she wants. How she feels. I can't give you all the answers. I'm not a girl."

Footsteps from the stairwell signalled Claudia's return, and Noah shot a glance at Jonas, who jerked his head. Talk to her. Alright. That was simple enough. Noah brushed past Claudia and rushed up the stairs.

\-----

Dusk fell. In the time Elisabeth took to return, Noah had washed himself, prepared food and written down some ideas of what he wanted to say. His heart fluttered when she burst through the door, dead birds and squirrels slung over her shoulder, fair hair windswept, cheeks pink.

She threw her pack down and Noah rushed to help her with the hunting spoils. Elli pulled her scarf down, smiling warmly, and Noah's words escaped him. She was ridiculously gorgeous.

Noah stepped closer to her, his little Fox, who leaned up to kiss him gently. Her lips were the Passage to Paradise, if ever it opened.

They prepared the food side by side, salting the meat and storing it. Noah smiled as Elisabeth bumped his hip with hers. She was silly, sometimes, and Noah loved it. He had never had much of a chance to play around when he was younger.

The rabbit was tasty once it had been cooked over the fire, and they ate quickly, always desperate to talk to one another. Noah turned on their lanterns. _How was the Plant?_ Elli signed once she had inhaled her food. She pulled her bedroll closer to Noah's, and Noah finished his mouthful.

"Good, thanks," he signed and spoke. "The hunt was good, I see?"

Elli nodded. _I checked the Passage while I was out. Closed._ Noah nodded, looking over to his notebook. How to bring up the topic.

"Claudia, Jonas and I made some progress on the research," Noah signed, "but it's a lot of things that are to do with atoms and science that I never learnt. I might need to borrow the books Claudia gave you. Maybe you could teach me."

Elisabeth nodded eagerly. _I'd love to._ Elli continued. _I was wondering if you could possibly do something for me, too,_ she signed, her eyes shining.

Noah swallowed, and rehearsed what he had planned on saying in his head. "Anything," Noah signed. Weak. But he would do anything for her. Ask her what she wants, Jonas had said. "What would you like?"

 _Could you please…_ Elisabeth hesitated, but her eyes were twinkling. _Could you give me a Sic Mundus tattoo?_ _Like yours._

Noah's eyes widened, taken aback. "Wait… what?" That was the last thing he had expected her to request. "A… you want a _tattoo_?" he wasn't sure he had understood her correctly, so he pointed to his back. Elisabeth nodded, and Noah let out a shocked laugh. "You really are full of surprises," he said, without signing. "You know they are painful, yes? And permanent?" he signed.

Elisabeth rolled her eyes. _Yeah, of course. I read more than you. And I'm not asking you to give me the whole back. Just the top, below the neck bone, to like, here_. She patted the middle of her back, and Noah sat back, frowning.

He considered her. "I'm not an expert on tattoos, Elli," he signed, nervous. He and his father had gotten the tattoos done by a professional tattoo artist; while Noah was good at art, he wasn't that good. "I think you should think about this for a while before you decide. How long have you wanted one?"

Elisabeth pouted. _Since this morning._

Noah laughed. "In a month, ask again." He didn't plan on giving her a tattoo; he couldn't deal with causing her pain. She was tough, and she could handle it, but it just wasn't the right time. Then, Noah had an idea. "If you let me use the paint Jonas gave you from his attic, I could give you a trial one."

Elisabeth's eyebrows raised, and she clasped her hands together in glee. _Yes, yes, yes, that is so smart,_ she signed, and Noah shook his head, astonished. She was truly unpredictable at times. Noah watched as she gathered the items Jonas had given to her, some thin brushes and some squeezy tubes of oil paint. She was in front of Noah within seconds, and Noah was immediately lost in the depths of her forest-green eyes.

She placed the paint and the brushes in Noah's lap, and kissed the tip of his nose quickly before turning around. Heat rushed to Noah's cheeks, and he fumbled for his notepad near his pillow. He hadn't thought through his entire suggestion. He needed to find an image of the Emerald Tablet, first, to use as a reference. He flicked through the pages until he found the image from the book he had been given when he was younger, and set it on the floor beside him.

When he turned back to Elli, she began to take her coat off. "Oh," he said aloud, frozen, and Elisabeth saw his expression and stopped.

 _Is this okay?_ She signed.

It was more than okay. "Yes," he signed, his heart pounding. But Noah wasn't sure how to handle this with tact. Noah scratched the back of his neck, busying himself with the paints. "Black," he muttered to himself. "Black will do." This was not what he had planned; he had planned on asking Elli what she wanted, and how he didn't want to be improper with her. This wasn't improper, though. Elli smiled, and sat down in front of Noah, facing away, like he had when she wanted to look at his tattoo. He understood why she had reacted the way she had, now.

Noah watched, immobilized, as Elisabeth pulled her t-shirt over her head, revealing the pale skin of her back. Noah's core tensed, and his mouth popped open. Elli's blonde hair fell halfway down her back, and she swept it over her shoulder, the straps and fastening of her bra the only fabric between him and her skin. The curve of her hips was tantalisingly close, and Noah wondered how she would react if he touched them. She looked over her shoulder expectantly, and Noah forced his eyes down to the paints, clearing his throat.

He dipped the nib of the brush into the black paint, and took a deep breath as he leant in to press the brush to the soft skin beneath her top vertebrae. Elisabeth's back arched as he painted the first line, and she squirmed away from him, silently giggling. Noah laughed, his nerves ebbing away. He poked her with the paintbrush again, and she collapsed into a heap. "Stay still!" Noah laughed, and Elisabeth obliged, a willing canvas.

Her skin became a tapestry beneath Noah's brush, and soon his awkwardness melted into comfort. She smelt of sweat and soil and wildflowers, earthy, human scents. Noah lost himself in the art, and somehow managed to get a strong outline and basic details of the tablet on Elli's upper back. He leant back to compare it to the picture.

Noah pursed his lips, and Elisabeth looked over her shoulder, cocking her head. Noah did not let his eyes drop as she turned to face him. _How does it look?_ She signed, and Noah nodded minutely.

"Good," he signed, his voice horrifyingly high. At least she couldn't hear it. Noah shifted where he sat, tension coiling in his thighs. "You can look in the window, if you like." He pointed to the window. The moon was hidden by clouds tonight, and the light of the lanterns was all they could see.

Elli smiled and stood up, and Noah was faced with the sight of her breasts accentuated by her bra, covered by a curtain of blonde hair. His eyes trailed down the firm lines of her stomach, the translucent hair that led from her navel down to…

Noah pursed his lips, willing his body not to react. Elisabeth skipped over to the window, peering over her shoulder at her reflection like a bird in a mirror. Noah smiled to himself, and allowed himself to watch her inspect his work, craning her neck and narrowing her eyes. Her face lit up in delight. _It looks so good, Noah!_ She signed excitedly, rushing back over to him. _You're so good. Keep going_ , she ordered.

"As you command, my lady," Noah laughed to himself, as Elli turned her back and assumed her position.

Noah continued painting, satisfied with the smoothness of the paint on skin. He grabbed the picture again and held it side-by-side with Elli's back, and saw he had made one line a lot more crooked than it should have been. Unthinking, he placed his hand where Elisabeth's ribs met her waist, and pulled her closer to fix the error.

Elisabeth shivered at the sudden contact, and Noah balked, drawing his hand away, but Elisabeth pulled it back, inhaling deeply. "I, um." Noah stuttered, closing his eyes. He felt a stirring down below. "Shit," he muttered under his breath.

Elisabeth's hand held his in place, tight against her side. Noah gritted his teeth, revelling in the sensation of her skin under his hand, the smoothness of the curve of her hip. He prayed this was not wrong. It certainly didn't feel wrong.

A deep, throaty sound rose in Noah's throat as Elisabeth's thumb stroked his, and the hardness in his pants grew as she guided his hand with hers over her hip to her stomach. Oh, god. Noah groaned, a low, primal rumble as the rough skin of his hands caressed the softness of her lower stomach, the thin, delicate skin that dipped between her hipbones. He had dreamed about this many times, imagined the sweet sounds she would make beneath his fingers…

He didn't need to imagine when Elisabeth whimpered now. Noah was thrown rudely back into rational thought, and his never-ending inner turmoil.

"Stop." Noah drew back, his breathing ragged, and Elisabeth looked back at him over her shoulder, her eyes burning. He needed to control himself. He couldn't just give in to such human urges, could he? Noah sat back, his face flushed, crossing his legs over himself.

 _I'm sorry_ , Elli signed, turning to face him, kneeling on her feet. Her cheeks were pink, her lips wet and parted. Her hair was swept over like a Botticelli's angel. Beautiful. _That wasn't right of me._

"No, no. It was." Noah signed rapidly, and his cheeks burnt when he noticed Elli's eyes flick down to the awkwardness of his crossed his legs. "It was right. More than right." He rolled into a kneeling position to mimic Elisabeth. "It's just… I don't want…" he pushed his hair back from his forehead, tongue-and-hand-tied. Noah exhaled shakily, his hands trembling as he signed. "Elli, I don't… I don't want to do anything that would dishonour you. Or…" or cause danger for you, he wanted to add, but that might have been presumptuous. _Mama_ , he thought.

Elisabeth's face broke into an amused grin, and Noah couldn't help but do the same. Was that not the right thing to say? _Dishonour me?_ Elisabeth signed, gasping in mirth. Noah realised it must have sounded very old-fashioned, but he was serious. Noah knew he wasn't a pinnacle of honour, but Elisabeth deserved to be respected and loved with the utmost care, honour and goodness. Noah was not good. Honourable, he doubted. But Elisabeth was all that was good, she was so good, and he couldn't ruin another good thing.

"Only a few weeks ago, I showed you the darkest part of myself," he signed, and Elisabeth nodded, her eyes gleaming, more fox-like than ever. Noah didn't know what he was saying, now. He babbled. "I love you, and you… I don't want to do anything you're not… Are you sure about me?" he asked for possibly the 1000th time. "What do _you_ want, Elli?" he signed. Jonas had said to ask that, had he not?

Elisabeth leant in close to him. Her scent was intoxicating, and Noah was drawn into the mossy depths of her eyes as she gave her answer in the form of a kiss, simultaneously tender and fierce. Her hands wove into his unwashed hair, and Noah's body tremorred as she pressed her chest against his.

 _I love you_ , she signed when she broke away, leaving Noah flustered and breathless. _I want all parts of you. Light and dark._ She kissed him again. _And I_ _want you to mess up this paint on my back, Hanno._ Before Noah could respond, she kissed him again, more demanding this time, and she tore that primal sound from Noah's throat as she deepened the kiss, her lips desperate and hungry on his.

"Elisabeth…" Noah's voice was hoarse as he said her name into her mouth, like a prayer. He signed as they took a breath, talking into the hollow of her neck. He had to say it, now. "We can't. There's… risks."

Elisabeth shook her head, her chest heaving. _I'm not suggesting that_ , she signed, but Noah could sense her disappointment. He felt it, too. _Just kiss me. Touch me._

Noah's mouth went dry, and he nodded, a minute movement. Touching was not dangerous. Her hands, shaking with adrenaline, took his and guided them to her bare waist.

This time, Noah let her.

They were both kneeling now, and Elisabeth pushed into Noah, her mouth fervent and demanding in contrast to Noah's deeper, more lingering approach. Noah lost himself in her mouth, trying to keep his hands in place to hold her away from him so she would not feel his stiff arousal, but he failed as she moulded her body to his, pressing her stomach against the firmness between his legs. Noah gasped, the new sensation scorching him, a deep, yearning ache. He pulled her in closer, relishing the sensation of her body flush against his, and he tightened his grip on her hips, and he moaned as she ground against him.

How could Paradise compare to this?

Elisabeth knotted a hand into Noah's shirt, using the other to lead Noah's left hand upwards from her hip. A knot of heat coiled in the pit of Noah's stomach as she drew his hand to the soft skin between her breasts. A rumble escaped Noah, drawn from the depths of his belly, as he splayed his hand against her sternum. His lips travelled from hers across her cheek, and bent his head to press a trail of kisses to Elisabeth's jaw, using his thumb to caress her sternum- he didn't want to touch her breasts yet.

But he would.

Elisabeth made a sound so heavenly it sent thrills through his entire being, so he continued kissing her in new places, testing the waters. His lips made their way down to her neck, and Elli hummed as he brushed his mouth along her collarbone. Noah admired the goose bumps that his kisses left on her skin, and his breathing hitched as Elisabeth pulled his hands to her back, her eyes wide with want.

A painfully intense surge of desire shot through Noah as he ran his fingers up the curve of her spine, eventually reaching the clasp of her bra, this strange, alien piece of underwear. He traced his finger along the clasp, and Elisabeth grinned into his mouth as she lifted her hands behind her back.

Noah immediately froze. But he was not a rabbit in the headlights right now; no. He was a wolf. And he was hungry. _Are you sure?_ He signed, and Elli nodded.

 _More than sure_ , she mouthed. She undid the clasp, and Noah was thrust into the water without knowing how to swim. _Take your shirt off._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy you crazy kids. lol my bf: "do you write porn" me: how fuckin dare you je suis artiste, writing is an ART FORM. but also can you tell me how it feels to get a boner


	33. Touch pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late April, 2029.  
> TW: reference to sexual assault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JOIN THE NOAHBETH PARTY, Y'ALL! We have a discord now, and we need more.  
> https://discord.gg/gpFyVu

Elisabeth's skin was alight. It shimmered and crackled with energy, and Noah was the source, his hands and lips sending electrical pulses from her mouth to her breasts to her core, down the insides of her thigh, to her feet. His hands were calloused on her soft hips, his lips chapped against her collarbone. Both of them were on their knees, and in a dreamlike state, she slid her hand into his hair, holding his face against the hollow of her neck.

Every inch of her hummed, and the hums were the frequency of his name; _Noah, Noah, Noah._ Was this happening? Was this Paradise? Was she in another dream from which she would be cruelly torn?

She knew what could happen and what couldn't, based on their situation. She was smart. They were smart. But that didn't mean they couldn't touch, and try, and test.

 _Take your shirt off,_ she ordered, and Noah leant back, his hands marred with black paint. Elli didn't dare take her eyes from his as slowly, with shaking hands, he began to take his shirt off. Elisabeth couldn't stop herself as she helped him to hurry it along, pulling the t-shirt up over his head.

She inhaled at the sight of Noah's hard, muscular torso, lined with muscle and scars. His sinewy, strong forearms were tanned, smudged with dirt and paint, but the rest of him was pale and lean, like marble or ivory. Noah radiated heat, and Elisabeth leant back and feasted her eyes on his exposed skin, the ink that crept over his shoulders from his tattoo. She looked at her own smudged attempt, and they grinned at each other.

Elisabeth's grin faded at the same time as Noah's. Her breath, her pulse, everything accelerated as Noah's gaze travelled down from her face, admiring her. Elisabeth swallowed, heat flooding at the juncture of her thighs. Elli steeled herself. Now, she was nervous, every cell in her body vibrating. She fumbled at the clasp of her bra. Immediately, Noah's expression changed. Now, it seemed, he was no longer nervous; his eyes were dark and burning with desire, and the way his hooded eyes bore into hers sent a pulse to Elisabeth's centre.

Her fingers shook with adrenaline. With a small click, the bra came undone, and with a surge of courage, Elisabeth slid the straps over her shoulders and down her arms. She let the bra drop between them, and Elli saw Noah inhale sharply. She watched his shoulders rise and fall heavily as he drank her in, from top to bottom, and when his eyes met hers, she couldn't breathe. She felt very exposed, but it was a relief to be free. 

Noah's gaze was scorching, leaving marks on her skin, on her breasts, between her legs. Elli kept her eyes on his, those cool blue depths shimmering in the light of the lanterns. _You're beautiful_ , he signed, and Elli could have wept. In turn, she appraised Noah's form, her eyes lingering on the V-shape that tapered down to the waistline of his pants, a trail of blonde hair leading down to that terrifying, mysterious, exhilarating unknown, hidden beneath the taut, straining material of his pants.

 _So are you_ , Elisabeth signed back. Then, brazenly: _so, are you going to dishonour me, or not?_

She snatched Noah's hands in hers before he could respond, and he exhaled a shuddering, ragged breath as Elisabeth placed his hands on her waist. Immediately, surprisingly, Noah pulled her into him. Elisabeth gasped as her breasts, which had barely so much as seen air in the past eight years, pressed against his firm chest. Noah slid his rough hands up along the sides of her ribcage, and Elli shivered as his fingers brushed against the soft skin of her breasts on their way into her hair. Noah pulled her into a greedy, possessive kiss, and Elli sank against him, meeting the ferocity of his lips, then surpassing it.

Elisabeth kissed him back, insatiably, her tongue and teeth searching for purchase, breaking and entering into his hot mouth. Noah drew his lips from hers, and Elisabeth's eyelids grew heavy with bliss as he bent his head to kiss the sensitive skin of her jaw and neck. Elisabeth knew she was making sounds, but she didn't care. Her head fell backwards, and she tangled her hands into his hair, holding his lips against her throat. A thrill rippled through her as his rigid hardness pressed against her lower stomach. She had done that! She had caused that. She, Elisabeth Doppler, had successfully turned Hanno Tauber, her Noah, on.

In an attempt to be sexy, Elli clumsily manoeuvred them to her bedroll, but she grimaced as the paint on her back smudged her pillow and sleeping bag. They stared at the black paint they had smeared everywhere, and Noah lifted her hair out from under her as she raised her head. The blonde was completely streaked with black. They looked at each other, biting back laughter. _Oh, well._ Elli shrugged.

Noah laughed at her expression, and the sight was so beautiful Elli couldn't help but grin as well. He resumed kissing her neck, smiling into where her shoulder met her collarbone as he settled beside her, leaning half over her. _I'll wash it out later_ , he signed, _if you wish._

Elisabeth wished for that very much. A hot, yearning ache was building between her thighs. Elisabeth clung to Noah's back, and Noah peered up at her from her neck, raising an eyebrow. Elli watched, awestruck and feverish, as he left a trail of insistent, butterfly-soft kisses, travelling down to her sternum. When he looked up again, _is this okay?_ she nodded quickly, urging him not to stop there. _Please kiss me there_ , she willed him. She shuddered as Noah's seemingly practised mouth reached the top of her breast, his breath tickling the soft, unblemished skin. Elli whined. He knew what he was doing; Elli knew he had not gone the whole way, but he had definitely done enough. And she was exceedingly grateful for it.

Elli nodded again, _please, please._ Elli mouth fell open as Noah's lips pressed against her breast, just off centre. Elli wriggled impatiently. _Not there!_ Noah smirked and then slowly, tantalisingly, used his sharp tongue to circle her pink nipple, and Elli gasped so suddenly she bumped Noah's chin aside with her chest. Noah grinned, and Elli giggled, embarrassed. Noah stole the giggle from her mouth as he lightly, barely pressed his lips to her hardened peak. Elisabeth's back arched. Noah looked up at her from his position, gauging her reaction.

Moisture pooled at Elisabeth's centre, and her cheeks and neck flushed with heat. _Oh my god_ , she mouthed, _do that again!_ She pulled Noah's head back into her chest when he looked up at her again, and she felt his breath of laughter against her skin, but he was cruel- he didn't kiss her there again just yet, but swirled his tongue around it. Elli moaned. She was vaguely aware of his crotch, the fabric of his pants distended over the bulge between his legs as it jutted into her hipbone. Noah was shaking, too, she realised; he was nervous as well. That reassured Elli. They were in this together.

Elisabeth let her eyes wander over his chiselled abdominal muscles and the prominent veins in his arms, the strength of his biceps and shoulders. He was divine, and sexy, and all hers. Her moment of admiration was immediately interrupted by the sensation of Noah's hand, which has been firmly grasping her hip, tracing along the slope of her stomach and upwards to the abandoned nipple. his mouth worked around the other, and it grew red and tight in anticipation of his mouth.

Elisabeth moaned with relief as finally, finally, he took the nipple in his mouth. Warmth flooded her sex. His mouth was hot and wet and hungry as he suckled, and Elisabeth gasped when Noah grazed his hand over Elisabeth's other breast, palming her tight peak. She twitched with surprise as he tweaked it, rolling it between his fingers, deft and deliberate. Elisabeth had begun to shake, something building deep within her. Touching herself had never been anything close to Noah.

Elli almost cried when he pulled away.

She had dreamed of this so many times, but seeing him devote time to leaving kisses down the centre of her breasts and down to her bellybutton made her quiver uncontrollably. Would he venture beyond? This was better than any dream. Better than Paradise.

That was, until his hand caressed her inner thigh,

Suddenly, for a split second, it was no longer Noah touching her.

Elisabeth tensed up.

_No. Not now._

Elli jolted, and bucked away from Noah's touch. Her body was confused; pleasure and fear mingled into one, and she yanked Noah's hand away from her inner thigh before she could react to her on thoughts. Noah pulled away immediately, apologising profusely.

 _I'm sorry_ , Noah signed rapidly. _I shouldn't have touched you there._

 _No!_ Elli hadn't even realised exactly what she'd done. That was the opposite of what she wanted Noah to think. But her body remembered the Monster, even if she wanted otherwise. Elisabeth signed _. You were doing everything I wanted. I'm sorry. I just_ … she swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn't need to finish the sentence. She could see it on his face; Noah knew.

 _We can stop._ Noah's face was flushed and sincere, and Elisabeth loved him so much. _We don't have to do anything, ever, if its not what you want._

 _No!_ Elli shook her head, please, no. _It was just the speed._

Noah's eyebrows knitted together. _Are you sure?_ Elli nodded, terrified this moment would come to an abrupt end. Then, Noah's jaw clenched. _I didn't know he touched you there._ That coldness, that darkness swept over his face, the ferocity of rage that she had never experienced from Noah. Elli didn't flinch, though, when Noah lifted his hand carefully to touch Elli's face. _Do you mind if I…?_

Elli nodded, relieved he would still touch her, and Noah rested his hand on her hair. He signed with the other. _We don't need to do anything you are not comfortable with_ , he signed, his eyes shining. Elli chewed the inside of her cheek. No sign could possibly tell him how much she wanted to do everything, feel everything with Noah. He continued. _No one will ever touch you there unless you want it. No one._ His expression turned grave, serious, and Elisabeth's belly fluttered. _Because no one,_ he signed sharply, his hand a blade, _no one will touch you besides me._

That heat returned between Elisabeth's thighs, tenfold. Only him, she repeated to herself, dizzy with lust and joy, her panic ebbing away. Only me. Only us. _Only you,,_ she signed, and she revelled in the depths of Noah's eyes. She bit her lip, making sure he knew he was doing everything right. _The only thing that scares me is when your hand moves too fast,_ she signed.

Noah nodded _. Then I'll go slow_ , Noah signed, _so slow it's unbearable_. Elli swallowed heavily, her centre pulsating. _If that's what you want._

 _Yes._ Elisabeth exhaled shakily. _I want this. I want you._

Noah's expression altered swiftly, switching immediately from concerned to lustful, hungry, his Adam's apple bobbing deliciously. He inhaled, his chest rising. _Say that again,_ he signed, and Elisabeth's breathing quickened. _What do you want?_

That deep, hot ache was sweet, blazing torture. _I want you_ , she repeated, pulling Noah's face to hers to kiss him passionately. He smelt of paint and sweat and tasted of salt and rain, deep and heady. His ashy hair was tousled and in disarray, achingly beautiful.

 _Then you shall have me,_ he signed, and slowly, deliberately, Noah made his way back down to where he had been kissing near her navel. Elisabeth's feet twitched as he looked up at her, a question. _May I?_ Noah signed with one hand, and Elisabeth's chest heaved. Y _es_ , she nodded. _Yes._ Elisabeth slid her hand into Noah's hair, and his lips brushed the heavy material of her pants.

This was happening. Her dream was happening. Noah traced his finger along the waistline of her pants. He never took his eyes off hers, his gaze brimming with desire and that virile hunger that swirled in her night-time reveries. Elisabeth's legs jerked unintentionally as he toyed with her button, and she swore Noah couldn't go any slower as he unbuttoned the fly, exposing her faded pink underwear. Elisabeth whimpered as Noah dipped his nose, inhaling her as if he were a wolf or some other carnivorous predator, and she was shocked by how wet she was becoming. She wondered if Noah could tell.

 _You smell amazing,_ he mouthed, and Elisabeth's breath hitched.

Noah pressed lingering kisses down from Elli's navel, and she wrung her hand into Noah's hair as he reached her hot, sensitive mound, hovering there, the tension in Elisabeth's core pure torture. _Please,_ she mouthed, _please keep going_. Elli trembled as he kissed the thin pink fabric stretched over that bundle of nerves. It was unbearable. _Please_ , she mouthed yet again, over and over, _there, please_. She was throbbing as he used his strong hand to slowly, carefully, part her legs and position himself between her thighs.

She watched him, begging, pleading, as he pulled the fabric down, revealing the blonde hair at the juncture of her thighs. _Beautiful,_ Noah mouthed, and Elli moaned, her breathing ragged. She was not even vaguely self-conscious. Too much ecstasy was overwhelming her, and she felt Noah's desire hard against her thigh, still concealed. She planned how she would take him in her hand, cup him, and stroke him…

 _Oh_. Elisabeth knew a loud sound escaped her when Noah's hot, ravenous mouth pressed against her nub, and she knotted her hand into his hair to anchor him in place, her legs splaying. His tongue probed and swirled, and Elli thrashed, that pressure building, radiating from her damp centre down to her legs. The pressure concentrated as he ground his lips against her in deep, rolling movements. She shuddered, her feet twitching uncontrollably.

Elli couldn't control her body as Noah's fingers brushed her drenched lower lips, and she mewled as he spread her with his fingers to taste her, dipping his pointed tongue into her entrance. _Oh god,_ she mouthed, _Noah, Noah!_ She held his head in place, her legs quivering around his face. _Noah, Noah, Noah_ … she repeated his name like he was god, and he was, his mouth was god, and now his fingers joined in with the touch, splaying her and spreading her and rubbing her and oh my god, entering her. Elli's back arched as his hand and mouth worked, and the peak came into view. What was Paradise in comparison to this? Could Paradise bring her to the precipice of pleasure?

Elisabeth rocked against Noah's face, and his name was on her lips, Noah, Noah, Noah, and then his free hand was holding her hips against his mouth and she crested, a vibrating, pulsing release against him, her orgasm erupting through her, sending shockwaves through her entire core. It rippled and flickered, and Noah was the world, his mouth, his tongue, his hands, his skin.

Elli came down from the heights, but only for moments before Noah rubbed and tongued the sensitive nub again, and she was coming again, thrusting into him for more. He did this multiple times before Elli collapsed, exhausted, laughing in shock. Noah crawled up beside her, and Elli could taste her own moisture on hips lips when she kissed him, her heart full.

 _That was… incredible_ , she signed, panting. She was buzzing with energy, and Noah's situation was her next aim. She grinned at him, evilly. _Now… your turn._

 _No, no._ Noah smiled, shaking his head. Elisabeth cocked her head. _I'm not done yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We stan the siblings that eat their ladies out. Also, please let me know how I did, smut is hard (heh)


	34. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late April, 2029. Morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY IMPORTANT PSA!
> 
> I definitely did not make it even vaguely explicit throughout this story, but in my headcanon, Noah DID tell Elisabeth early on that Franziska was saved before the apocalypse by being taken to another time (according to the letter that Noah gave Stranger!Jonas.) Elisabeth still mourns Franziska as being as good as dead because she can't reach her, even if she is safe.  
> HOWEVER, Elli doesn't know that Noah knows what time Franziska is in, being 1888-1921. Noah only told Elli that he knew Franziska was safe somewhere in time. He has never told her (not yet, anyway hehe) that he actually knew Franziska for a few reasons: because he left it too late and never found the right way to tell her, because he can't change the past as it already exists and he thinks it wouldn't help her/do any good to tell her, and he is also scared that Elisabeth would try to go through the unstable God Particle to find her and be harmed in the process.
> 
> I mentioned Elli knowing Franziska was safe somewhere in time like once lol whoops. She still mourns her like she is dead. But Elli doesn't know Noah knew Franziska, Magnus or Bartosz. Neither does Jonas.

Never had Noah experienced a morning so peaceful, or so perfect. Elli was asleep on his chest, her feathery hair tickling his nose. They had both squeezed into Noah's sleeping bag, and Noah was painfully aware of Elisabeth's bare breasts near his arm. He ignored the throbbing hardness between his thighs, but Noah's stomach fluttered when he recalled the night before. Her blonde hair spilling over her firm, white breasts, like a siren from the sea coast he had never seen. The sweet, desperate sounds she had made beneath his mouth, the way she held his lips so fiercely against her, her hard nipples beneath his palm, the taste of her skin and that sweet spot between her thighs. She had shuddered and whimpered until she collapsed, spent, and Noah's manhood had ached for her.

Nevertheless, Noah had stopped things before she could try to do anything for him, or they got carried away. He wasn't sure that would be the best course of action, and it might have been too much, too fast. For him, as well as for Elli. He was still scared things could escalate too fast, and the problems, or problem, that could arise from the culmination of their love… could be catastrophic.

Noah absently stroked Elisabeth's flaxen hair, smirking at the split ends which were crusty with black paint. The dark material reminded him on the god particle. Oh, shit. He'd forgotten. He'd promised Jonas he'd work with him and Claudia at the Plant today. Noah huffed. He could put it off for a bit longer, he decided. Why search for Paradise when it was right here, already? When Elisabeth Doppler was Paradise incarnate?

Paradise was a loud snorer, though. _God, she's even louder than papa was_ , Noah grinned to himself. Elisabeth stretched as she awoke, blinking her big green eyes sleepily from where she was curled on Noah's chest. Noah flooded with warmth as she smiled sleepily at him, nuzzling into his chest. Her skin was hot against his, sticky with sweat, and Noah's situation down below only became more difficult to control. His bottom half was still clothed, so at least he was hidden.

"Good morning, little fox," Noah said, signing lazily with the hand that was not around Elli. Elli purred, and clung onto his arm like a vice. Her nipples brushed against his chest, and Noah cleared his throat when she looped her arms around his shoulders to embrace him, the soft flesh of her breasts caressing his bicep. Noah strained his bottom half away from hers, but the stirring in his trousers was no longer concealable. Elli didn't seem to care as her stomach pressed against his straining crotch, coaxing a slight gasp from Noah. Elli drowsily signed.

 _Good morning_ , she signed, sighing contentedly with the hand draped over Noah's chest. _How was your sleep?_

"Wonderful," he signed, and he meant it. "You snore loudly, though," he teased, and Elisabeth gasped, playfully poking his chest, then burying her face near his armpit. Noah laughed, stroking her shoulder with his thumb reassuringly. "And yours?"

She peered up at him through a curtain of tangled hair. _Perfect._ She wriggled in closer, and Noah's charged thoughts and feverish awareness of Elisabeth's bare chest were making it hard to concentrate on the peace of this moment. He focused on her face, her porcelain skin, her turned-up, vulpine nose, her crooked teeth.

Noah toyed with a strand of Elli's hair before he signed. "I told Jonas I'd go and help him today." He felt Elisabeth grip even tighter, and chuckled. "I would rather stay here all day with you, in this sleeping bag." Elisabeth looked up at him, and her face broke into her wide, crooked grin. Noah recognised that signature spark in her eyes. "What are you…?" he croaked, but Elli was already wriggling up, and before he could position himself, she was lying flush against him, her breasts and stomach pressed to his torso. Noah realised what she was doing- she was convincing him to stay.

And she was immediately winning.

Noah moaned as he raised his hands to embrace her, and their mouths met in a leisurely, languid kiss. Her lips welcomed his, parting with a gasp, and Noah's rough palms grazed the soft skin of her hips, her waist, her back. She still had paint on her back, and her mouth was hot and persistent and inviting on Noah's. His breath grew laboured and ragged as Elisabeth's nipples hardened against Noah. A deep rumble escaped his throat. "Elli," he breathed, and the sleeping bag shuffled down, revealing Elli's pert, pink peaks and her flat white belly. Noah was throbbing for her, painfully hard.

"Elli…" we should stop, he almost said, but he didn't want to. He watched, entranced, as Elli slung her gangly legs over either side of his waist, as she half lay flat on top of him, half straddled him. She was powerful, some kind of goddess, and Noah was weak beneath her.

"Elisabeth," Noah whispered her name into her neck, her blonde hair in his mouth, before he was rendered incapacitated by Elisabeth moving on top of him. Her body was grinding against his, and he looked down to where their bodies met, her old pink underwear and his pants the only things separating their skin, the hearts of their desire. "Oh," he moaned in shock, as Elli's hips rocked against his, the friction consuming Noah's every thought. He tried to keep his wits about him, but she was bliss, warm and irresistible… He splayed his palms over her hips, and she pushed her pelvis down against his cock, circling, and pressure began to build between Noah's thighs, dangerous heat coiling in the base of his stomach…

"Stop, stop," Noah moaned, signing weakly, though every part of him was screaming at her to keep going. "We can't get ahead of ourselves." He knew the way the world worked, and he knew Elisabeth bled every month. He had sourced paracetamol and fruit for her since the year after her period had begun, when she was crumpled in pain from the cramps. He was aware her periods were irregular in the radioactive environment, but she was still able to quicken. "You know what could happen."

Elisabeth's cheeks were flushed, but she relented, flopping onto Noah limply. _I know_ , she signed, deflating. _I just… I love you._

Noah glowed. He understood. Noah pushed Elli's hair back from her forehead to plant a kiss above her eyebrows. "I love you, too," he signed. Noah covered her nakedness with the sleeping bag, and they reluctantly manoeuvred themselves so that Elisabeth was lying beside him, a minute but respectable gap between their bodies. Noah took her hand in his, intertwining their fingers. They lay in each other's company, breathing in time, basking in their love for one another.

Paradise, Noah thought, inhaling Elisabeth's scent. It was perfect. Her skin, her sweat. Her. Elisabeth.

Eventually, Noah sat up, and he stretched loudly, forcing blood away from his stiff member, but Elli wouldn't let him go. He laughed as she clung to his back like a squirrel, her hands clasped around his shoulders. He fell back down.

Just a bit longer.

\------

Noah wanted nothing more than to go back to the cabin and spend time with Elli.

Yet, here he was, waiting outside the Plant, in the rain that never seemed to stop. "Hurry _up_ ," he muttered to himself, when he saw Jonas and Claudia's raincoated figures approaching through the trees. Noah regretted promising Jonas he would be here. Elisabeth had clung onto until he laughed and gave in for a bit longer, cuddling her to his chest until he had to pry himself away, ignoring the hardness between his legs as they ate breakfast together. Still, replaying the events of the previous night and the morning made him giddy.

"What are you grinning about?" asked Jonas as they entered the abandoned Plant. Noah's cheeks burnt, and his dizzy grin fell. Jonas raised his eyebrows. So irritating. "Ah. I'm guessing things went well, then," Jonas smirked, and he spoke too loudly for Noah's liking. Claudia was at the control panel already, and she looked up from her notes, frowning curiously. Noah's stomach flipped. _Jonas, the idiot!_ Had she heard?

"I don't know what you're talking about," Noah spluttered, shooting a warning glare at Jonas. Claudia's wise, observant eyes flicked between them, but she said nothing. Noah was grateful for that. He scowled at Jonas.

They spent about an hour doing experiments and discussing new theories, and Noah could feel his throat tightening from the radiation in the air. Jonas remained inside while Noah and Claudia got some air, taking off their helmets. They started at the onset of a jarring, cacophonous sound. Noah jolted backwards, and Claudia looked up. One of those helicopters, Noah realised. The treetops were swaying in the wind its propellers produced. They both watched as the mechanical beast flew overhead. They stepped back into the doorway, waiting until it was clear to step out again. They couldn't risk being seen.

Noah stretched his arms, smiling to himself as he noticed the black paint under his fingernails. His thoughts were disrupted by Claudia's voice. "You've had some good hypotheses today," said Claudia, and Noah blinked at her, taken aback. This was new. Noah could not help but preen at the praise. Still, it was strange. Claudia Tiedemann was a curious woman, and Noah could never read her, nor her him.

That, Noah figured, was the reason they both got along better with Jonas. Jonas could never hide how he felt. Not even as Adam.

Noah straightened, looking Claudia up and down suspiciously. "Thank you," he responded carefully. "I'm not as educated as you or Jonas, but the books you've given Elli have helped both of us."

Claudia nodded curtly in approval. "How is she? She doesn't join us here every often."

Noah shook his head. "She doesn't like being near the God Particle. She's not afraid of it, but it makes her uneasy."

"I see," said Claudia. She appraised Noah, and he felt very exposed. "When I first saw you and Elisabeth in the bunker, I could not have ever imagined that the two of you would end up how you are now."

Noah considered the question, frowning. Peculiar. "And how is that?"

Claudia turned to face Noah directly, her bizarre eyes even and steady as they met his. "Together."

 _Of course._ Noah's gaze didn't waver. Was she... judging him? Noah would have preferred to walk into the dark matter and materialise into the ether than this. Besides, 'together' was less than what he and Elisabeth were. Together did not even begin to scratch the surface of what he felt for Elisabeth Doppler. He smirked, wondering what Claudia would think of what passed last night. "You sound like you have an opinion on the matter," said Noah. He became very interested in the paint beneath his fingernails.

Claudia smiled wanly. "None at all. All I can say is that there is a lot in Elisabeth that reminds her of myself." That made Noah want to laugh aloud. Elisabeth was smart, yes, and straightforward, but she was also warm, and funny, and talkative. Claudia was none of those things. Claudia continued. "..and sometimes, you even remind me of my daughter." She stepped towards Noah, and his jaw clenched as she looked into his eyes. "Something in the shape of your jaw."

Noah wasn't sure whether to be offended or flattered. "Regina?" A hard chuckle escaped Noah's throat. "Curious," he said instead, leaning against the concrete wall of the Plant. He looked down at his feet, covered in yellow plastic.

Claudia frowned. "You never knew her, did you?"

Ah. Noah's throat tightened. "I saw her in the bunker, but besides that, I didn't," he responded, and it was true. He had never truly met Regina Tiedemann. But he knew about her. He knew she was smart, he knew that she was quiet, and knew she was sick. "Jonas told me about her."

That part was not true.

Claudia seemed to be able to tell. "Of course," Claudia conceded, but her strange eyes were interrogative, probing. "Forgive me for asking," she said, "but I have known you for seven years now, and you remain a mystery to me." Noah frowned, and Claudia continued. "But you know a lot about Jonas, and I'm sure a lot about Elisabeth. But… do Jonas and Elisabeth know as much about you as you do about them?"

Noah was thrown. What sort of question was that? Noah's eyes flashed, and he puffed out his chest, crossing his arms defensively. What right had she to pry into their private life? "Yes, of course," Noah retorted. _I love Elisabeth,_ he almost said, but he held his tongue. "Jonas knows enough. Elisabeth knows everything."

Everything that she needed to know about him, anyway.

Noah's teeth clenched.

What did Claudia know?

This conversation was making Noah uncomfortable, and brought rise to some conflicting emotions. Telling Elisabeth he had killed his father had been cathartic, and the most heinous secret Noah had ever kept.

There were some things, though, some things that Noah ran from. Not dark secrets, no, but things he had repressed for years, and had even convinced himself that if Elli knew, they would risk her safety. He never wanted to risk Elli's safety. What more, the knowledge of such facts would not make her happy, and he only ever wanted Elisabeth to be happy. There was never any point in telling her.

These were things that he may have left until too late to tell her. These things, if Elli knew, would risk Noah losing her again. And he would not lose her again. Never.

What would be the point in telling her, when such things could not be changed, anyway?

Noah's stomach wobbled, slightly ill. He had tried to push away the memories, and he had almost been successful. That guilt that he had staved off for so long, for not revealing certain things about his past… something began to roil within Noah. Not overbearing, but it ebbed and flowed with the years, and it had become too late to return to. Claudia sensed it, he realised. That sickening guilt.

But Noah couldn't feel guilty for protecting Elisabeth, could he? For keeping information from her that would only make his beautiful, smart, funny little fox sad? "Do you think I hide things from them?" he asked calmly, his voice measured. Did Claudia know?

Claudia shook out her long, grey hair, tying it back with wire. "I don't think anything, Noah. Jonas trusts you," she said, her hazmat suit squeaking as she moved. Noah didn't believe her for a second. "I trust his judgement, so I trust you. Maybe, one day, you can trust me."

That surprised Noah. He hadn't realised he'd been so obvious. "Maybe," he said, and Claudia smiled, turning to walk back inside.

Noah's stomach twisted. She doesn't know anything, Noah reassured himself, but he was afraid. Claudia was incredibly difficult to read. And perhaps, Noah was easier to read than he had thought.

If Claudia knew, would she tell them? Who his father was? Who Noah's father had come with to 1888 Winden?

Noah had tried to tell her, tried to find the words, the time, but it never came out. How many times had he almost said the words? Whenever Jonas mentioned their names. Whenever Elisabeth brought her up, when she mentioned her name, when she mentioned her family.

When she cried on cold nights over those hard first few years, and he _had_ actually said the words, but of course, they fell on deaf ears. I knew her, he had said into her hair as she cried one night. 

Only recently he had told Elisabeth he had killed his father, and he was sure she would leave him forever for that. She had stayed. And she had accepted the darkest part of him. 

But he couldn't run from this forever. He could try. These secrets were not dark; they were the opposite. But they would hurt more, and they would do more damage than darkness ever could.

Noah had told Elisabeth long ago that Adam told him that Franziska was alive, safe somewhere in time. Elisabeth was relieved, but still she mourned- Franziska was as good as dead if she could never reach her. But the Passage would open, he had promised Elisabeth. He had promised she would be able to see her sister again; she would be in Paradise with them.

Noah did not tell Elli, though, that he knew where… no, _when_ … Franziska was. And that he knew what became of her.


	35. Coincidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR WAITING! Assignments are crazy atm, but Noabeth is my priority... also, please leave comments, they mean the world to me <3 long ass chapter for you. Also can we talk about Max's instagram, thank you for a crumb good sir

Elli watched as Noah as they prepared the birds they had caught to be cooked over the fire. He had rolled his sleeves up, and his strong forearms twitched as he plucked the speckled feathers from a carcass. He smiled gently at Elli, and the way he looked in the firelight sent thrills through her core, the way his irises turned black, his blue shirt half buttoned, revealing his taut chest. Elisabeth recalled her 18th birthday, when Noah had looked at her through the flames, the same gaze as when he had his face between her legs. Elisabeth swallowed her glee, smiling back.

She wanted him again, and again, and she wanted him to feel as good as she had.

He was hers. All hers.

Elli gave her plucked bird carcass to Noah, who smiled in thanks as he set it aside with the others. Elisabeth sat down on her log, stretching out her achy legs. The radioactive Spring was upon them, warm enough for them to shed their coats for a few hours at a time. Any longer, and they were at risk of too much exposure to the radiation, but they could bask in the strange, oppressive humidity for a little while.

Elisabeth admired Noah's strong, dirty hands as he worked, and she imagined him working in the Inn in the 1910s, chopping wood, snapping the necks of ducks, plucking chickens, sweeping floors. She imagined him on the farm he dreamed about, riding horses or harvesting wheat. She imagined kissing him outside a room in the Inn, pushing him through the door, onto a bed…

 _What are you thinking about?_ Noah signed curiously, and Elisabeth realised she was muttering to herself. She grinned sheepishly.

 _You look great right now,_ she signed, and Noah smiled bashfully, looking down at himself.

 _All dirty and ragged?_ he signed, confused. Elli nodded. _I thought girls liked well-dressed gentlemen._

 _Both are good_ , she signed, and Noah laughed. _You look like how I imagine you looked when you worked at the Inn in your time._

Noah grinned as he skewered a bird, and laid it over the fire _. You like imagining my time, don't you?_ he signed when he had positioned the birds in a row. It was true. Elisabeth loved imagining a life in his time, a quiet life with Noah, and a nice house, and animals, and the sun which never shone anymore.

 _Yeah, I do,_ she agreed. _We've practised dancing enough now, we'd fit right in_. she wondered how Franziska would fare being stuck in a time where women were seen as the 'fairer' sex. She hoped that if she had been taken backwards that it was only 1986. Elisabeth and Franziska were truly sisters in that they had both possessed the 'Doppler woman fire' that their dad lamented. She wondered how Franziska would react if she saw Elli now.

Noah took a step towards her, and Elli fought off a smile, crossing her arms. _Do you remember the steps?_ He wiggled his fingers, and after a moment Elli relented, stepping forwards to interlock her fingers with his.

She pressed herself into his chest, slithering her other arm around his waist. She remembered their waltz, the fear and nerves behind their touches, and glowed as Noah shifted his feet, echoing her thoughts. She felt Noah hum, listened to his heart through his shirt, surprised at how fast his pulse was today. Usually, he had the deepest, slowest heartbeat she had ever felt. Today it was a quick thrumming, as fast as hers became whenever she touched him.

He rested his chin on her head, and Elisabeth had never felt so safe. Elisabeth leaned up to kiss him, and he seemed to have moved in synchronisation with her. She would never get used to the feeling of Noah's lips on her own, his hands on her face, the intensity of his expression when their mouths met. Elli deepened the kiss, swiping his lower lip with her tongue, and Noah submitted to her as she knew he would. _Mine,_ she thought possessively, nudging his nose with hers as she clutched the front of his blue shirt, his skin hot through the material. Elisabeth loved that she alone could break past those cold, impenetrable blue eyes. That she alone could coax the gentlest touches from his deadly hands, that only she could steal soft kisses from his sharp mouth, and only she could conjure laughter and toothy smiles from his calm, still features. _My Noah._

When they broke the hug to sit pressed against one another on the log, Noah reached to turn the half-cooked birds on the fire. The scent made Elisabeth's mouth water, and she looked to Noah to make a face, 'I'm starving.' But something in Noah's face had changed. He had a faraway look in his eyes, and his mouth was a thin, firm line. Elisabeth could always tell when something was bothering him, and this was immediate. That tiny crease between his eyebrows also gave him away.

She gently bumped Noah with her side, and he returned to her. _You okay?_ She signed, and Noah nodded unconvincingly. She chewed the inside of her cheek, hoping he didn't regret the other night. For Elisabeth, and she assumed to Noah as well, it had been the closest she had come to Paradise on earth. She never knew anything could feel so good. Was it his fear of Elisabeth being 'dishonoured?' She knew he wanted to be careful, in case something happened between them that led to undesirable consequences, but she hoped that was the extent of his concern. Please, don't have regrets, she prayed. _You sure?_ She pushed.

Noah looked at Elli, pensive. Elli raised her brows, urging. _It's just… Claudia_ , he signed, and Elisabeth exhaled in relief. Of course. Noah's hands moved sharply and purposefully with irritation. _We hardly know anything about her, and she thinks she knows everything when she doesn't know anything at all._

Elisabeth narrowed her eyes slightly. Now, that wasn't true. S _he knows a lot more than either of us,_ she signed, and Noah shook his head, misunderstood.

 _I mean about me. She acts as if she knows everything about me, and about you, and Jonas. What she knows about Jonas is very little in comparison to what I know._ He punctuated his sentence with a slash of his hand. _I just don't trust her._

 _Well, I knew that already._ Elisabeth nodded, thinking. _Did she say something recently?_ Noah shrugged, and Elisabeth paused, before challenging him. She smirked. _Or is it just because she's a smart, independent woman who is in charge?_

Elli almost regretted the words as Noah's face fell. She knew very well that he was not a product of the 1910s, and that his views about women were strikingly modern. Still, underlying biases could remain from childhood. _You know very well that couldn't be the reason, because if it were, I wouldn't trust you_ , Noah signed seriously. _You're smarter and more independent than me._ He gave a sly grin. _Not to mention, I like it when you're in charge. A lot._

A surge of heat swirled in Elisabeth's core, and she couldn't repress a coy smile. _Not smarter, I've just read more. And_ _I know. Sorry. I was just making sure_. _I love that you don't see women as less, or any different from men. I always thought someone from your time would see us as weaker, or less able, something like that._

 _Anyone who ever met you could not possibly think that,_ he signed, and Elisabeth's cheeks grew warm at the compliment. At that moment, smoke blew directly into her face from the fire, and her eyes watered as she coughed and hacked. Noah shielded her from the ash with his arm, his dimpled smile reaching his eyes. _Careful, fair lady, allow me_ , he signed with a smirk.

Elli rubbed her bleary eyes, silently chuckling. _My hero_ , she signed with an eye roll, and Noah laughed. Elisabeth's stomach gurgled. The food was ready. Noah grabbed the birds with his bare hands, not flinching even when the embers touched his hands. Something about it was stupidly sexy to Elisabeth, the sheer strength of his arms, his able fingers and the rigidity of his shoulders drawing up recollections… she smiled a secret smile to herself.

Elisabeth bobbed her head gratefully when Noah passed her the cooked meat, and his soft smile was painfully beautiful. The same smile he had given her every year since they had lived together, as he gave her food. Warm, and comforting, and home.

The Claudia conversation caused Elisabeth's mind to wander down a new train of questions. _Why wasn't every man in your time so open about equality?_ Elisabeth mused between bites, signing lazily. _Every book I read from your time, it's a woman being a housewife, or being married off, and a man doing the work or owning the businesses._

Noah's chewing slowed, and he swallowed before he signed. Something in his jaw twitched and Elisabeth caught it. _My father was a modern man_ , he signed simply, and Elisabeth was taken aback. He didn't usually bring up his father so willingly.

 _Was he?_ Elisabeth signed, and Noah nodded, lowering his head. She didn't want to press too hard, and she usually wanted to avoid the topic of a dead father for both their sakes, but Elli sensed it was alright to proceed. _Was he from Winden?_ she signed, and Noah nodded again. That surprised Elli. She had assumed he had been a stranger from out of town.

He was, he signed, and Elisabeth felt Noah's body stiffen beside her. Elli decided it was best to drop the dead dad topic.

They ate beneath the stars, and Elisabeth noticed Noah finger the inside of his pocket. Her heart sung when she remembered the Polaroid picture he had nestled in there. Noah's eyes shone black in the firelight, pools of tar or dark material. _Elli_ , he signed carefully. Elisabeth cocked her head.

 _Noah_ , she signed, quirking an eyebrow, and Noah fought a smile.

 _Elli, I… I love you_ , he signed, his eyes moistening.

Elisabeth felt stupid, girlish tears prick behind her eyes. She would never get tired of him saying it.

 _I love you, Noah_ , she signed, taking Noah's hands in hers, pulling them to her lips. She brushed her mouth gently over his calloused knuckles, and smiled up at him as she pressed her chin to his fingers.

Noah's expression had changed. Not drastically, but it was there, an undercurrent of cool water beneath the ice of his eyes. His lips were pursed again, and he gave a weak smile, but his eyebrows were knitted together in deep thought. Elisabeth's stomach wobbled, and she released Noah's hands to let him talk.

 _You know that I would do anything,_ he signed, and Elisabeth's body was aflame. _I would do anything to protect you. That's why I was sent here. To keep you safe, even if you don't need protection._

The tears were really threatening to spill now. Elisabeth gave a watery smile as she nodded. Yes.

 _Good_ , he signed. _Because all I ever want, all that I need in this world is for you to be happy._ His hands shook, and Elisabeth could not shake the sense that he was nervous. He had nothing to be nervous about; he had seen her at her most vulnerable, her most intimate, at the heights of her joy and the depths of her sorrow and anger and grief.

 _I'm happy with you_ , Elli responded truthfully. She had never been so happy as she was with Noah; that frightened her, but it was true. A lot of her best memories from the last nine years… hell, almost all her best memories at all… were with him. Half her life was Noah.

Noah nodded. _So you understand that your happiness is all that matters to me, and that's why I do everything I do_ , he signed, a question, and something in Elisabeth shifted. The energy around her changed, and suddenly she was the one who was nervous. She nodded again, slowly this time. Noah rubbed his hand over his mouth. _You know what I've done_ , he signed. His father. _You know who I am_. His eyes were dark with regret, and Elisabeth could do nothing but nod. She did know Noah, and she loved every part of him.

 _You don't need to tell me every little detail, if you're not comfortable_ , she signed, though she was morbidly curious about his father's death. But she didn't need to know that, especially not when it brought Noah such anguish. Noah winced at a memory, and Elisabeth's stomach twisted. If she could, she would erase all Noah's pain herself. Paradise.

 _Thanks, Elli. I want you to know more about me, though. My past._ Elisabeth brightened. She could see thoughts flickering behind Noah's pupils. His eyes widened slightly as an idea dawned on him _. I just… I want to show you something_. He signed quickly. _Only if you'd like_ , he added, but his hands trembled slightly. _It's at the church._

A surprised smile crept up Elli's face, and she was relieved his words were not a build up to an abrupt revelation. Still, she knew the worst of Noah, and he knew the worst of her. Elli was constantly unravelling Noah, finding out more about him as time went on. She never wanted to stop learning about him, every inch. She would like nothing more. She nodded. _Show me._

Noah stood, and held out his hand. 

\---

The moon guided the way to the Church ruins.

Elisabeth had always loved moonlit walks, and with Noah's hand in hers, she could imagine nothing she would prefer doing. They didn't need their torches, the night was so bright, and Elisabeth admired He squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back, curious about what he wanted to show her. She wondered what sounds came with their surroundings, if they ever frightened Noah. As they made their way up the forest road, she remembered the way they had run through a storm last year, when he had taken the photo and she'd tasted the sweet, clean rain. A photo she would always be grateful he had taken.

The smoggy, forsaken graveyard was even more eerie at night, and Noah and Elisabeth didn't stop to pay their respects tonight. They pushed open the heavy wooden doors to the church, and the dark, abandoned church was flooded with moonlight, shadows dancing and warping on the dilapidated walls and the crumbling wooden arches of the ceiling. The altar was half destroyed, and the stained-glass windows were all smashed in except for the one of Mary and Jesus.

Elli looked over to Noah, who was taking in the lifeless monastery, completely still. He used to come here to pray, sometimes, but he hadn't done that in a few years. Elisabeth never prayed to god. She prayed for Paradise, and for Noah. God had never done anything for Elisabeth. Noah had.

Before Noah could lead them down to the abandoned Sic Mundus headquarters, Elisabeth grabbed his wrist. Noah spun to face Elli, his thumb brushing hers. He was strikingly handsome in this light, even when half his face was covered by a scarf, and the moonlight reminded her of their first kiss by the cave. He was striking in all light, really. Elisabeth had an overwhelming urge to kiss him again. Right now.

Noah's eyes went wide as Elli backed him up against the very back wooden pew, her eyes on his. She laced her hands into the front of his coat, pulling his face-scarf down to his chin, and was glad to find Noah was fighting a smile.

 _We're in a holy place,_ Noah signed, his behind against the wooden bench. Elisabeth nodded, her hands sliding up the front of Noah's coat. Noah leaned his head backwards, his Adam's apple jumping, and Elisabeth had never seen a sight more holy.

She let her lips brush his neck, and revelled in the sensation of him shivering. She wanted to kiss him gently, kiss him roughly, until they couldn't breathe anymore. She wanted him to push her against a wall and taste her mouth and body again until she wept, and she wanted to do the same for him. She wanted all of him, forever.

But they weren't here for that. And it wasn't safe enough, nor special enough here.

Just before she let her lips touch his, she pulled away quickly, pushing ahead of him. She turned on her toes as she walked, and he was flustered, smiling as he bit his bottom lip. Tortured. _You're right_ , Elisabeth signed with a mischievous grin. _Not under his watchful eyes!_ She wiggled her fingers and pointed upwards, and, and turned towards the doors that led downstairs. She looked over her shoulder at Noah as he collected himself, and dawdled after her.

The Sic Mundus headquarters were desolate, as they had been the last time Elli had come here with Noah, about two years ago now. She didn't like it much down here. It was damask and dusty and the carpet smelled of damp, but she could tell it had once been a sumptuous, beautiful chamber.

Elisabeth looked around, using her torch to examine the old antique furniture. The light from the moon shone down through the holes in the roof, or the top floor, so it was light enough that she could see Noah sauntering towards an ancient set of drawers at the very back. He kept turning and dithering, and Elli was excited and nervous. She wondered what he wanted to show her. She hadn't realised there were remnants of his past down here.

She explored the chamber for a few minutes, then wandered over to where Noah was rifling through old files in a drawer. Elisabeth was surprised she had never heard about these. _You've never told me about those,_ Elli signed, joining him by the decaying, intricately engraved wooden drawers.

 _I thought they might have…_ he tried to find a sign, making a crumbling movement with his hand.

 _Disintegrated?_ Elli signed.

Noah nodded, repeating the sign. _Ja_ , he nodded. Noah's eyes flicked from Elli to the files and books stowed in the drawer, and his hand lingered over an old book, thick and bound with rotting leather. He drew his hand away, turning to Elli and smiling ruefully. _Maybe this wasn't such a good idea_ , he signed, rubbing his arm. Elisabeth could sense his awkwardness, and it reminded her of when they were younger and less familiar with one another. She felt a rush of affection. _This is all quite boring. Sic Mundus files._

 _No!_ Elli signed enthusiastically, if not a bit aggressively. _Nothing about you is boring. And you always love telling me about Sic Mundus._

Noah hesitated, before relenting. He took the leather book from the drawer, covered in ash, and when he opened it, Elli gasped. It was filled with old black and white photos, some singed around the edges, some with water damage, but still intact.

She recognised the layout of the photos. She'd seen one identical to them before the Apocalypse, back when she had been cleaning out her granddad's shop with her dad. They were almost all group photos, dating from 1905 and upwards. _Are they Sic Mundus?_ She signed, and Noah nodded, wiping dust away from the faces in the photos. They were like the photos she had seen in history classes at school, where everyone stood stiffly and didn't smile. She squinted at the seated figure in the centre of the photos. _Why is Adam all burnt?_ She signed.

 _Travelling leaves its mark_ , Noah responded, hands moving feverishly. Elisabeth touched Adam's disfigured face. He was the saviour. _He wasn't always like that._

Elisabeth noticed Noah’s fingers were trembling as he turned the page, and he was hunched over. She realised they were reaching the years where his father would appear. She took Noah's spare hand. I'm here, the gesture said. Noah squeezed back gratefully. His glove was damp through Elli's, sticking to her hand.

The picture on the next page was the largest, and it was identical to the one Elisabeth had seen, only bigger. It dated 1915. Noah would have been too young to be photographed. Noah inhaled, swallowing. His eyes darted nervously away from the book, and Elisabeth couldn't help but stare at the picture, trying to decipher which of the men was his father, who had the eyes and the jaw and the strong shoulders.

Elli's eyes scanned over the faces, but stopped when they fell on a tall man with a long face and light eyes. She frowned. _Him?_ Elisabeth pointed. He was too familiar not to be Noah's father.

But Noah shook his head. _That's him_. He pointed to the man Elisabeth had ruled out first, the brown-eyed, brown-haired man beside Adam. Also vaguely familiar. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. _Wow_ , Elisabeth mouthed, scrutinizing the photograph, then looking back up at Noah to find similarities. _You aren't similar at all_.

Noah's brow was creased, and he pressed his lips together. Elli hoped she hadn't said the wrong thing. _No, I guess not_ , he signed, stepping back from the drawer.

 _You okay?_ Elli signed, cocking her head, and Noah smiled tightly. This was hard for him, she could tell, but Elli appreciated that he would show her these things. She could also tell he was tense, so she let his hand go, remaining absorbed in the photographs. Elisabeth trailed her fingers over the faces, stopping on a woman's. A pretty woman, middle-aged, also familiar. Her eyes returned to Noah's dad, handsome like her Noah.

She wondered if he was called Hanno, too. She had never been brave enough to ask what Noah's dad was called. She pulled the photo from the book and turned it over, where a list of names were inscribed on the back.

_L to R... Francis, Erik, Bartosz…_

Bartosz? No way. Interesting. It wasn't a common name at all. Noah's father must have been related to the Tiedemanns. Was Noah distantly related to Claudia? That made Elisabeth want to laugh. She kept reading, and…

… _Huh?_

That couldn't be right.

Elisabeth read again. And again.

A sudden coldness, a sickening, roiling dread rolled over Elisabeth, a wave crashing over her head, dripping down to her toes. She clutched the photo in her trembling fingers, blinking. _1915._ She read again, then traced her finger up from the name to the face. _A modern man_ , Noah had said. _So you understand that your happiness is all that matters to me, and that's why I do everything I do._

This couldn't be right.Elisabeth swallowed the bile in her throat. A coincidence. Yes, a coincidence.

Names were passed down, weren't they, over centuries?

Names were coincidences.

But faces weren't.

And that was her sister's face.


	36. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May, 2029. Same night as previous chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I heard you like angst? Here, take some pain! No PARADIES for us, noooo no. PLEASE COMMENT, I LOVE YOU ALL <3

Elisabeth turned around slowly, and like the rubble around them, Noah's world began to collapse.

This had been a mistake.

Noah's stomach writhed, and his palms were clammy in his gloves. His mouth was dry, and he couldn't swallow. _What's this?_ Elli signed tremulously, taking a step towards Noah. She held up the photo between her trembling fingers. Noah couldn't move. His hands were lead weights at his side. Elli gave a hard, terrified smile, her green eyes shining. _Is this a bad joke? Bartosz, Magnus, Franziska._

This isn't how it was supposed to happen, Noah thought. His heart sank in his chest. Please, be a bad joke, Elli's shaking fingers and wide eyes begged.

But it wasn't.

Noah, Hanno Tiedemann, born to Bartosz Tiedemann, who had grown up knowing Franziska Doppler and Magnus Nielsen, shook his head.

"I'm…" Noah was dizzy, his entire body rigid. He couldn't speak, but he needed to say something. Anything. How could I'm sorry possibly fix this? "I'm sorry," he croaked. "I didn't think it would change anything," he signed, and Elisabeth's face didn't so much fall as it did crumble. This wasn't how Noah wanted this to go. This wasn't right, this wasn't how she was supposed to find out, she was supposed to be happy and ask him if Franziska talked about their mother, if she missed her, if she ever talked about Elli…

Stupid boy. Noah knew, deep down, that it would go awry. He had been delusional, idiotic, to think it would go well. To believe that she would understand why he hadn't felt it was ever the right time, to acknowledge his concern about her wellbeing. "I thought it would hurt you more to know when she was than not," he signed, and his hands were vibrating. His voice shook so much he could hardly breathe. Noah was more afraid than he had been telling Elisabeth about his father's death.

Elisabeth leaned on the drawers for support, her face contorting, and Noah had never hated himself more than this moment. He was causing her the pain. And he didn't know how to stop it. _You…_ Elisabeth clenched her fists between signing, and her breathing was hard and ragged. _You're Bartosz' son? He travelled back there? Back then?_ she signed, and Noah took a step towards her as she closed her eyes to orientate herself. _Franziska was with him?_

There were no words. "With him, Magnus, and Adam. I'm sorry," he repeated weakly, but Elli had opened her eyes again, and the fire behind them was not the burn of love or desire, but rage and betrayal. She recoiled as Noah reached out to touch her arm. This was all going wrong.

But of course, it had to. Noah knew that nothing good ever lasted in his life. And he had ruined it, again, and this time, he didn't know how he could fix it. But he would. He would.

 _She was there the entire time? With Adam?_ Elli signed, and tears escaped the corners of her eyes, and her chin wobbled. The same was happening to Noah. He opened his mouth, stunned and useless.

 _Adam was the one who took her there_ , he signed. _Franziska is a part of Sic Mundus. Just like us._ Maybe, this would make it better. _She was there when I travelled here._

Elisabeth's face was grey. _And she didn't come with you?_ her breathing hitched, and Noah's heart sank. Elli's forehead creased, and her bottom lip quivered. _Did you know her?_ she signed, ashen, and Noah's silence said more than any signs could. He nodded, ill. Elli's hands rose, shaking, to her hair. _You did._ She let out a strangled, anguished sound. _You knew where Franziska was, and you knew who she was, and you kept it from me_ _all this time_ , Elisabeth signed, and Noah was going to be sick.

"I…Her… her past and future already exist," Noah said thickly as he signed, swallowing the bile in his throat. "It can't be changed. The cycle has to continue. I thought it would be worse if I told you because it's not possible for you to reach her. I didn't know how to say it without it making things harder for you, or for Jonas. Jonas doesn't know they're there yet, either, but he is the one who saved them, or will save them…" he was desperately trying to explain. Elli wasn't having it.

_You said Adam took them there!_

_Fuck!_ "Adam _**is**_ Jonas, Elli!" Noah yelled, his voice echoing around the old headquarters. "Adam is Jonas!"

Elli blanched, impossibly white in the moonlight. _What?_ She slowly looked at the old photo in her hands. Noah took a tentative step towards Elli, his little fox, who was trembling like a leaf. Noah wanted nothing more than to hold her, stroke her hair, tell her he was sorry and that he didn't want her to find out this way. She stepped back. _Don't…_ _this is all…_ she began to hyperventilate, and Noah took another step towards her, but Elisabeth pushed past him, approaching the stairs. Her shoulders were heaving, and to Noah, the Sic Mundus headquarters were spinning.

Elisabeth turned fiercely to face Noah, her fury palpable, and his knees were weak. _Franziska's older in that photo_ , Elli's words were almost voiced now in her anger, her breath hissing with each sign. _She's lived an entire life in your time, and you never told me!_ _You had no right keeping that from me_! Elli's nose had begun to run. _Adam… Jonas…_ her mouth twisted in torment, confusion, and before Noah knew how to respond, she turned to flee. _No._

"No, Elli, please," Noah begged, his voice small, and he lunged forwards to grab Elli by the arm, rougher than he intended. Elli tried to shake him off, but he only held her tighter, his fingers digging into her coat. "Please don't leave," Noah signed. He couldn't bear it. If he let her go, he couldn't explain. His hands were moving so fast he knew he was making mistakes in his signs. "It wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to tell you straight away, but it didn't ever feel right. I was scared you'd…"

 _I would do what? Try to find her?_ Elisabeth looked down at where he held her arm. Her gaze penetrated his skin, searing it. _You KNEW her_ , she signed with one hand, and Noah's hand burnt where she stared. _I'm going. Let me go,_ Elli signed, her face tear-streaked as she wrenched away from him. _Please... don't follow me like you always do,_ she signed, and Noah was falling, cracking, shattering into a million fragments.

He couldn't watch her leave. He wouldn't. "Elli, wait." _I love you,_ he almost said like he had earlier that evening, _I did it only because I love you._ But how would that help? "I'm sorry," he kept saying, but it wasn't enough, he knew it wasn't enough. Desperate, Noah pulled out his last resort. He choked on the lump in his throat. "She wanted me to tell you that... she loves you. She still loves you," he signed rapidly.

Elisabeth opened her mouth, her face crumpling. She sobbed, and threw the photo at Noah's feet, and he couldn't stop Elisabeth as she turned and ran from the Sic Mundus chambers, away from Adam and Jonas and Bartosz and Franziska, away from Noah.

Noah watched, stricken, his feet frozen to the spot. "Elisabeth!" he yelled, his voice breaking, as if it would do anything. He slammed his hand on the drawer nearby, ash rising and dust swirling. "Idiot," he scolded himself, "absolute _idiot!"_ He rubbed his hand over his mouth as his words reverberated around the eerie chamber. "Fuck!" He took a few deep breaths, in and out. _Calm down_ , he ordered himself, failing miserably. Calmness was his natural state, but now, but his body wasn't listening. Calm wasn't an option.

Noah could only do what he did best.

He followed Elisabeth Doppler.

He sprinted after her, up the stairs and into the church. The silvery moonlight on the pews and the shattered altar was a bleak reminder of the perfect night Noah had ruined. "I'm sorry," he said, over and over. _I only did what I thought was best_ , he thought, and blood rushed in his ears. He pushed open the doors he knew so well, and ran and ran.

He jogged along the forest road, his pack digging into his back, but Elisabeth was always too fast for him. She was gone. Somewhere in the distance, sirens were blaring, and radiation hummed beneath his feet. _Give her space_ , Jonas had said last time. "Let her breathe, and apologise, and she will forgive you." Noah repeated the words to himself now, but the tears in his eyes wouldn't dry, and his chest was too tight for him to breathe. How could he leave her when she was in pain? How could he fix this?

He had thought keeping it to himself was the right thing to do, that it would only cause Elli pain for her to know. How could he tell her that he had spent nights in the Inn with Franziska and Magnus and Bartosz, eating beef stew and listening to their stories about the future, that he had stayed at their house when his parents worked late with Adam, that he had asked Franziska herself what Elli was like, without it breaking her heart?

He had wanted to avoid hurting the person he loved most in this world, and in doing so, he had hurt her even more.

Franziska didn't know that Noah would fall in love with her little sister. No one knew. If she had known, she would have warned him against it. And Noah always followed rules. _You're a good little soldier_ , Jonas had once told him. _Always following orders._ Following was all Noah knew, it was true. But he would not obey Elli this time, and leave her to feel this pain alone. He wouldn't let her slip away. He would make this right.

\--

Noah finally reached the cave, panting, and threw his pack aside roughly as he ran inside. The familiar, dank air entered his lungs, welcoming him, and his torch illuminated the winding passages. Noah didn't even need the light to know where he was going. "Elli!" he yelled, his own voice echoing around him. He didn't know why he was yelling. But she would see his torchlight, and she'd sense the vibrations. "Elisabeth!"

The rough rocks scraped him as he travelled ever deeper and deeper into the winding labyrinth, their winding labyrinth, until he reached the hidden door. She wasn't there. "Elisabeth, where are you?" said Noah, his voice shaking. "I'm sorry," he kept murmuring into the darkness. "I'm sorry."

He searched every nook and cranny in the caves, but every little cavern Elisabeth had ever hidden in when she was younger and needed space away from Noah was empty. _She's not here,_ Noah realised. She wasn't here at all. _The lake_ , he remembered. He'd go to the lake next, and if she wasn't there, he'd go to the cabin and bunker, and if she wasn't there, he would ask Jonas where to look.

Noah rushed back to the mouth of the cave and slung his pack over his shoulder, pulling his face-scarf over his mouth and nose. He took a few strides… and froze in his tracks.

A silhouette was emerging from behind the shadowy trees.

 _Elisabeth?_ His chest swelled, hopeful, but the figure's gait wasn't as smooth as Elli's. It was sharper, more direct. _Not Elli._ Noah's hand fell to his gun, concealed in his jacket, waiting for his eyes to adjust before he drew it.

Noah squinted as the figure came into view, then frowned. "… _Claudia?"_

Claudia jolted, pulling her coat hood rapidly over her head. "Noah," she said, and her voice was strange and cold. "What are you doing here?"

 _What?_ Claudia knew Elisabeth and Noah had lived here for eight years and checked the Passage every other day. What was _she_ doing here? "I'm looking for Elisabeth. Why are _you_ here this late?" Noah shot back, impatient. He didn't have time for Claudia right now, not when the girl he loved was angry and upset with him. He needed to find Elisabeth. Claudia was the one who had caused all this in the first place, getting into Noah's head about 'knowing things' about Noah that she clearly didn't, and giving veiled, cryptic threats about revealing his secrets so that he would reveal them himself.

Noah sniffed, hoping his red-rimmed eyes weren't visible in the moonlight. Claudia's bizarre eyes were even more discomforting in the night, and he could have sworn they had changed colour. Which one was the brown one again?

More importantly, why was she skulking around at this time?

"I am conducting research," responded Claudia, but her tone was so odd, so high and songlike that Noah shivered. "Elisabeth is missing?"

"Yes, Elisabeth is missing," Noah grunted snidely, narrowing his eyes. Claudia seemed to stare straight through him, and that annoyed Noah so much he stormed past her. He was fed up with her. _Sick of this woman_ , he thought to himself. _You don't know me!_ He wanted to yell over his shoulder. _You don't know…_

Noah stopped walking, and grimaced. "Shit," he muttered. She might know other things. "Claudia," Noah turned on his heel. "Have you… Have you seen her?" he asked hardly, and he winced at the edge of desperation in his voice. "She's upset. I can't find her." Noah cleared his throat. "I… told her." Why was he even telling Claudia this? _Because she's a woman? Because she might know a girl's feelings more than me?_ "I told her everything."

Claudia blinked, her face blank. Noah held his breath. "You did," she said simply. Noah couldn't help but feel slightly hurt at her icy dismissiveness. _Why is she acting like she has no idea what I'm talking about?_ She looked over his shoulder as if she was sick of him. _Her, tired of me?_ Noah could have laughed. "Have you… been to the Plant?" she suggested, her voice evasive.

Noah was dumbfounded. "Why would she be there? You know she hates it there," Noah snarled. "The God Particle isn't…" Noah trailed off. Unless… _no._

Elisabeth wouldn't.

_Would she?_

Noah exhaled sharply, and Claudia only stared at him. "The God Particle," he choked, and Claudia was forgotten. Noah turned and ran into the trees.


	37. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May, 2029. Same night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience, wonderful readers. Please keep commenting, they make my day. I'm so happy people love these two as much as I do! Enjoy the angst!

Noah.

_Bartosz._

Jonas.

_Adam._

Magnus.

_Franziska._

Each footstep was another name. They repeated in a cycle as Elisabeth ran.

She ran and ran, ran so fast that she couldn't feel her feet on the ground, so fast that her chest hurt from wheezing breaths. She knew Noah would be calling her name somewhere behind her, but she didn't turn around. _Don't follow me like you always do,_ she had told him. But she knew Noah well enough to know he would do the exact opposite. But she'd always been too fast for him.

The walls being erected around the Plant appeared on the horizon, black monoliths against the cloudy, moonlit sky. Elisabeth's run slowed to a walk, and dry hiccups wracked her entire body, her lungs screaming for fresher air. But she couldn't stop, not now. A tearless, heaving sob fought its way out of her, but she repressed the urge to look back, to return to him. To Noah. Her Noah, who she trusted with everything, who hadn't told her something that she deserved to know immediately.

 _Why didn't you tell me earlier?_ Elli yelled now, her hands slashing. It was all too much. A wonderful night had shifted and cracked beneath their feet, as information had begun to seep out of Noah. Then, he had unleashed it all at once, a deluge of secrets and shock. The photo, his father, Sic Mundus. Noah being Bartosz Tiedemann's son. Adam being _Jonas_. Bartosz and Magnus and Franziska being in the 1900s. Too much, it was impossible to comprehend. It barely felt real.

But all of that was nothing in comparison to the final blow. Noah knew Franziska. Franziska grew up knowing Noah, and she knew he was sent to protect Elisabeth. They knew each other before Elli ever met Noah. What did it mean? Did it mean anything at all?

Elisabeth wanted to cry, but tears wouldn't come. She didn't have time. _I'm coming, Zissy,_ she said to herself. _I'll find you._

_\---_

The Plant was even more disquieting at night than during the day, but for once, Elisabeth didn't care. She threw her pack aside as she entered the back doorway, her mind a hazy, frenetic mixture of exhaustion and overwrought emotion. Elli's rational mind knew she shouldn't go inside unprotected, but the hazmat suits were with Claudia and Jonas, and right now, safety didn't matter to Elli. All that mattered was Franziska. Franziska, in 1921. _I can reach her_ , Elli thought, _even if I show up looking like Adam._

The ruins of the Plant reeked of burning rubber and hot metal. Strange, undulating growths hung like stalactites from the destroyed ceiling, black goo oozing from the walls. Elisabeth's heart raced, and she hesitated before she reached the control room. _Keep going,_ she pushed herself. She couldn't be afraid. Franziska wouldn't be afraid. _I'm coming,_ she kept repeating. She was exhausted and drained, but she couldn't give up. Not even when her mind couldn't make sense of anything.

Elisabeth felt the God Particle before she saw it. The vibrations came in waves, and every cell of Elli's body trembled as she entered the control room, her skin itching as if it were covered in thousands and thousands of tiny spiders. Her breathing hitched when her eyes fell on the swelling, rippling mass, immense and terrible and dark, that strange blue light emanating from its core.

She kept her eyes planted on the Particle as she approached the control panel, where Claudia's notes lay strewn. She could barely concentrate, and the oppressive air Elli had done a lot of reading, especially of the books Claudia had given her on her birthday. Elli frantically flicked through the pages of loose paper. It was all equations and scribbled notes that she could only read if she squinted. Elli scrounged through the notes until she found what she was looking for. _Stabilisation._

Elisabeth scanned the words and drawings, diagrams of the levers and buttons which she vaguely recognised. _Claudia knows more than you,_ Elli muttered to herself. But she couldn't wait for Claudia. Not when Franziska was waiting for her. Elli's chest was tightening, a vice strapped around her ribs. She strained, trying to remember what the others had done when she used to come with them to help, before she realised how much she hated it in here.

None of the notes were making any sense in Elli's mind, all the words merging into one. The lever, Elli thought, the lever. She could set the control panel to the right nuclear magnetic resonance to reach 1921, and then she could potentially be there. That's what Claudia wrote, didn't she? Elli reread again, but it wasn't computing.

Sweat trickled down Elisabeth's temple as she rushed to the lever, her cheeks and hands stinging where the radioactive air caressed her skin. _I'm coming, I'm coming,_ she muttered, her breathing rapid and uneven. She didn't even know what time the Particle would lead to if it did work, but who cared? Her breaths came in gasps, and when she grabbed the lever handle and pulled it down with the little strength she had left, her throat opened up with a cry, the sorrow and loss she had suppressed bubbling over.

Then, in her peripheral vision, a white light. Her eyes flicked to the sudden burst of brightness coming from the corner of the Plant, and she knew it was Noah and his torch without even looking. Elli sniffed hard, her eyes burning, whether from the radiation or her tears she didn't know.

Noah had followed her. As he always had, and always would.

The ground beneath Elli rumbled, and she turned to the God Particle, blinded by tears. A part of Elli knew it wouldn't work, that like the Passage, the Particle was closed. But another part of her didn't care. _Let the darkness swallow me_ , she thought, _and maybe I'll find Paradise._

Elisabeth's tears were flowing freely as she lunged forwards, but before she got more than a metre, two strong arms wrapped around her waist, hoisting her backwards. _No!_ Elli grunted as the wind was knocked out of her, but already the dam was breaking, and she was weakening, falling, drowning.

 _No!_ Elli knew she was making noise, now. Noah's wood-and-rain scent filled her nose, his damp hair in her face, and Elli writhed in his arms. They closed like wrought iron bars around her. _Let me go! Noah, please! Franziska!_ She struggled to release herself, twisting herself and pulling his arms, but he was too strong, and she could feel his breath as he yelled and then she was breaking, and the tears were flowing and her nose was running and his hands were in her hair. _Please… Franziska…_ Elli sunk to her knees, sobbing. Noah held her so tightly that he held her to the earth, just as he had every week for nine years.

 _Why? Why didn't you tell me?_ Elli cried into his chest, twisting her hands into his coat as she spoke. His hands were on her face, wiping her tears. Elli didn't care what she sounded like, if any sound was even coming out. _All those years, you knew her, and she knew you._ Hot tears streamed down her face, and she couldn't stop them. She hated it. She hated being weak. _Why?_

 _I'm sorry,_ Noah was whispering into her hair, over and over and over. She knew the shape of his lips better than her own, the way his breath moved when he said the words. _I'm sorry._

They stayed that way for a while, and all Elli could do was cry.

\----

They didn't talk on the walk back to the cabin.

 _I don't expect your forgiveness, Elli,_ Noah had signed before they left the Plant, when he'd helped her to her feet. _But I need you safe. Please, come home with me. Please._

Elli was too tired to argue, too despondent, too confused. She knew what she'd tried to do with the God Particle was stupid and borne from emotion, but what Noah had done, or hadn't done, hurt her more than she could ever have expected. She was angry, and hurt, and betrayed.

But that didn't mean she wanted to be alone, without him nearby. Elisabeth couldn't be strong one hundred percent of the time. She wasn't her mother.

She walked twenty metres ahead of Noah the whole way home. When they reached the cabin, Elli flopped onto her sleeping bag, all her energy cried out in radioactive tears. She couldn't even sign, when all she wanted to do was what she did best- ask Noah questions until she had run dry. But she couldn't, not when her entire body wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep and escape.

Thankfully, sleep immediately took Elli away from the world, and she was grateful to be free of thoughts, even if it was only for a few hours. Franziska's face greeted her as she drifted into fitful dreams of the 1900s.

\---

Elisabeth always thought that the worst feeling was waking up and remembering. When she woke, her eyes were puffy and stung badly, a reminder of what happened last night, what she learnt. Her stomach twisted inside her, and when she pried her crusty eyelids apart, she saw Noah, wide awake, sitting against the wooden wall opposite. The permanent dark rings under his eyes were even darker, and Elli knew immediately he hadn't slept. _Good._

She rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling, the dust motes dancing in the dim morning light. Noah moved in the corner of her eye, and something small slid into her side. A granola bar. Noah's peace offering. Elli inhaled heavily, snatching it and stuffing it in in her sleeping bag for later. When she grabbed it, she realised something papery had come with it. She traced it with her finger. Noah's notepad.

Elli rubbed her eyes and looked over to Noah. His face was as pale and defeated as Elli felt. Elli swallowed, taking the notepad gingerly, opening it. Noah's boyish handwriting was scrawled as neatly as he could muster. _To my little fox,_ it read. _I can't express how sorry I am for keeping things from you. If you want to ask me anything, I will answer_ , _but if you don't, I understand. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I didn't know how. I thought it would make it worse, and the longer it went on, the harder it became to find the words. It's no excuse. I'm so sorry._

Elisabeth chewed the inside of her cheek, looking up at Noah, those glacial blue eyes brimming with regret. If she loved him less, it would be easier.

But it still hurt so much. The sense of betrayal lingered. She had so many questions that she didn't know what to ask. How could she not have questions? Her Noah knew her sister, centuries before she had even met him. She needed to ask him everything. She had to know more.

Peering at him through a curtain of knotted hair, Elli knew she wouldn't be able to stay silent for long. She could never be silent around Noah, not even when she was sad or angry. This was the first time she had reacted with despondency. Noah's hands were clasped in front of him, and Elli sensed his fear as his knee bounced up and down.

She lay on her back for a while, turning everything over in her mind, organising her thoughts, her questions, her problems, her pain. _Halfway,_ she decided. _I'll meet him halfway, and ask questions, but not forgive him_. She sat up, head pounding, and reached for Noah's notebook. Noah shifted, his eyes requesting if he could come closer. Elli hesitated.

 _Weak_ , Elli thought, nodding curtly. As upset as she was, she needed him close, and she knew he needed her too. Noah's eyes grew soft with a glimmer of light and hope as he approached her, and they sat across from one another, as always. But she wouldn't let him off that easy. Elli stared at Noah, her beautiful Noah, and tried to drill her question into his head through hers. Why didn't you tell me sooner?

She picked up her pencil, and her handwriting was messier than usual from her tired hands. She wrote slowly, then showed the paper to Noah. _How long had she been there when you met her?_

Noah took a deep breath, not pulling his gaze from Elli's eyes. _She had been there since 1888, and I've known her my whole life, since 1904,_ Noah signed, and Elli pursed her lips. His entire life, he had known Franziska. _Oh_. He had known her longer than Elli had. The realisation caused Elli's dry eyes to moisten again, an impossibly endless reservoir of tears.

Elli sniffed hard and wrote again. _How well did you know her?_

Noah's brow furrowed, and he raised his hands to sign. _She took care of me sometimes when my parents were busy_ , he signed, and Elisabeth's chin wobbled. _She'd read to me and give Agnes her old clothes, or she'd take us out to the farms to play with the goats. I didn't spend too much time with her alone, but she was often around at the inn with Magnus, and we'd all eat together on Christmas._

A sinking feeling in Elli's chest made it painful to breathe. Don't cry, Elli ordered herself. How many times had she dreamed of eating with Noah and Franziska at the same table, all three of them laughing together as Zissy gave Noah a hard time for being so dark, so devout? The knowledge that they had shared a table and talked together, without Elisabeth… that was a knife in Elli's heart. And now Franziska was devout too, apparently. She was a whole new person, with a whole other life, like Elli and Noah, members of Sic Mundus.

It was painful, weird, and wonderful for Elli to think that her and her sister, over 100 years apart, followed the same path to try and find Paradise. And over 100 years apart, somehow, Noah was a part of both their lives. She couldn't help but feel a trickle of warmth when she imagined the two people she loved more than anything in this world interacting, without even knowing how they would be connected one day. Through Elisabeth.

Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, Elli wrote. _Did she like you? And did you like her?_

Noah's eyes shone, and he chuckled, remembering something. _I was a difficult child_ , he signed, _but Franziska dealt with me when I was being a brat. And I liked her very much._ Noah smiled, signing carefully, as if any word he said was a risk. Elli hung on every word. _She helped get me here._ _She warned me before I came here. Elli's a handful, she said. Stubborn and cheeky like you were, Hanno._

Elli couldn't stop the laugh that escaped through the tears. Red lipstick flashed through Elli's mind. _She talked about me?_

Noah nodded, smiling. _Of course she did. She loves you so much._ Elli's heart swelled, the tears spilling over again. Franziska and Noah talking was a sight she wished she could see. How would their personalities mesh? Fiery Franziska and Icy Noah. Elli would have to ask so many more questions. Noah shifted closer, his fingers fervent _. I suppose it fits. The people who love you most, joining to find you. If I had never known her, I would have never known you. Everything that ever happened led me to you._ Elli couldn't help but look at him, the man she loved. Noah. His hands were stiff as he signed. _But I know now that_ _I had no right to keep this information from you,_ he signed.

Elli nodded fiercely. _You didn't_ , she agreed. _It wasn't fair, or good, or kind._ She needed Noah to know that. There would be no more secrets. Elisabeth gnawed her lip, biting back the tears. _I just… I miss her so much, Noah_ , she signed, her fingers trembling. _I just wanted to be with her. Last night. I wish you'd told me sooner. It hurt so much that you kept it._

 _I know you did_ , Noah signed, eyebrows knitted together. _And I know. I'm sorry. I will never stop being sorry._ He held out his hand _. I promise, I will never keep anything from you. Everything I know, you will know. Everything. Adam, Bartosz, Magnus, Franziska, Jonas._

Elli looked at his calloused hand hovering between them, and took it tentatively. Not forgiveness just yet, but a promise. _No more secrets._

Noah nodded gravely. _No more secrets._


	38. Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late May, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fave fave fave to write. Please keep commenting!!

The guilt was hard to overcome.

Elli could have severely hurt herself, or worse. The latter Noah couldn’t even consider. His stupidity and secrecy had almost caused him to lose her for good. It had given Elisabeth such a tumultuous emotional toll that she had been willing to throw herself into the abyss. Elisabeth’s trust in him had been fractured, but not completely broken. Noah was slowly mending that trust, in whatever way he could.

It had been a few weeks since he had revealed it all. Noah apologised every day for about a week after that night, but Elli had ordered him to stop, throwing her fuzzy fox at him. So he had stopped.

Instead, as he had promised, Noah had answered every question Elli asked about Franziska, about Bartosz, about Adam, in such intricate detail that Noah had to write or draw half of what he remembered. There were as many tears of joy as there were of sorrow when Noah recalled the times Franziska threw an apple at his head because he kicked Magnus in the shin, and when his father had told a young Noah that Franziska was smarter than any boy he was likely to ever meet. _They didn’t always like each other. He once told her she was a dork,_ Elli had signed, smiling wistfully. Noah had remembered his father using the exact same word to lovingly describe Noah one day when he had been caught hiding in the Sic Mundus headquarters. Elli laughed, and seeing her beautiful laugh gave Noah hope that her trust in him was returning.

Noah ensured it was Elli who made the first move for every touch, when she was ready. Noah ached for her touch, her lips on his again, her body close to his. He was starved after only a few days of distance. But soon enough, Elli’s hand found his during the night again, causing Noah's heart to burst with elation and relief. When he was washing their chipped plates in their basin she would sidle up behind him, and her hands would wrap around his waist as she pretended to be his hands, and Noah’s knees would weaken because he had missed her touch so much.

Today, three weeks later, Noah was lighter with the burden of lifted secrets, and Elisabeth seemed hopeful with the knowledge that Franziska was alive and in a time that she knew, and one day, when the Passage opened, could possibly reach.

It was getting warmer now, and even though it rained, the rain itself was more of a muggy, steaming mist, humid and oppressive. Noah returned from the Plant with his jacket thrown over his shoulder, letting the rain wash away any impurities. He was sticky with sweat, and his upper lip tasted salty. Jonas had turned bright red in his hazmat suit, and Claudia had to make sure he didn't get heatstroke.

Noah was better with the heat than he was with the cold. He tasted the rain on his tongue as he approached the cabin, and paused when he reached the driveway. Elli wasn’t in her usual spot on the patio, counting the birds from her hunt. He threw his pack down and peered through the window. Still no Elli.

The cold fingers of dread crept around Noah’s throat. Don’t jump to conclusions, he ordered himself. He was more useful when he was calm. _Just look._

He circled the cabin, the bracken and grey grass soft beneath his feet, and reached the back door of the cabin where Elli and Noah washed in their makeshift shower, which had no fresh water. He came to a standstill when he finally spotted Elisabeth. 

_What is she doing?_

She was lying stretched out on the patchy grass, letting the light drizzle of rain sprinkle over her. Noah walked up to her, bewildered. She wasn’t wearing much; just her underwear and t-shirt, which were now soaked through. Noah’s entire core clenched at the sight, in desire or concern, or both. “Elli?” He poked her wet leg with his boot, and her hazel eyes blinked open. She smiled, sitting up languidly.

Noah let out a shocked laugh. “What are you doing?” Noah said and signed, chuckling, but his cheeks were hot from the way Elli’s wet shirt clung to her figure, the swell of her breasts, the skin that had become electric beneath his fingers and the flesh which trembled at his touch. He recalled that sacred night when he had tasted her all over, the morning after with her body hard against his, and his groin tensed.

 _It’s too warm. I got back from hunting and couldn’t be bothered getting more water to boil. So the rain can wash me,_ Elli signed in response. Droplets trickled from her fair hair down her neck, beneath the collar of her transparent white t-shirt.

 _Of course,_ Noah thought with a grin, shaking his head and squinting up at the sky, raindrops tickling his cheeks. It was very warm today, warmer than it had ever been since he had been in this time. Still, it couldn’t be healthy to be lying in the rain. “You’ll catch a cold,” signed Noah. That’s what Erna always said.

Elisabeth rolled her eyes. _It’s almost Summer. And that’s a myth, anyway. You catch colds from being inside with other people who are sick, like when you gave me gastro that time._ Even though she used no voice, Noah could hear her know-it-all tone. She patted the damp grass beside her. _Come here, wash off any radiation._

Shaking his head incredulously, Noah puffed in amusement. He crossed his arms, looking over his shoulder, then back to Elli. _Ah_. He couldn’t resist. She was like an alluring creature of the forest, green-eyed and pink-lipped, and Noah’s head and body were heavy and aching with unrelieved love for her. “Just let me put my coat under here…” he said to himself, placing his coat undercover. He didn’t want his special Polaroid photo getting damaged. Then, with a heavy sigh, he sat down next to Elli in the light rain. Elisabeth grinned at him, and heat pooled in Noah’s core. He tried to ignore it, tensing his thighs so hard that the blood had no choice but to rush there. 

As droplets washed away Noah’s sticky sweat and burning thoughts, cooling him all over, he began to see the appeal the rain had for Elisabeth. “Mama used to think it would never stop raining in Winden,” he signed. “She liked the rain, though, like you.”

Elli raised her pale eyebrows, _really?_ Noah nodded, and Elli paused, a memory appearing behind her eyes. _I met you in the rain,_ Elli signed, and Noah frowned, shaking his hair out of his eyes. They had met in the bunker. _You had an umbrella and we walked and talked for hours about Winden, and the moon, and the rain, and… my grandfather…? That was a bit weird._

Oh. Noah understood now. “You mean my older self?”

Elisabeth bobbed her head _. He… you… were the first person besides my family and Yasin’s that could sign with me_ , she signed, and she smiled in bewilderment as she pondered. _If that’s you in the future, then you would have already had all these years with me now. How weird is that?_ Her smile faded, and Noah knew what she was thinking, because Noah always wondered the exact same thing. _I wonder why you leave me._ The question hung between them like a pendulum that didn’t know which way to swing.

“Very weird,” Noah agreed. He wanted to leave this subject far behind. “You know, now I see similarities between you and your sister more and more after talking about her with you. Franziska liked to swim and dance, you like to swim and dance. You’re funnier, though. But I can see that she would’ve been stubborn like you.”

A snort erupted from Elli’s nose. _She was funny when I knew her. And yeah, Franziska and I swam a lot_ , Elli signed. _I was the best swimmer in my age group. I always tried to get her to race me at the pool, but Ziss preferred to float around._ Elli paused, looking at Noah, a nymph with jewellike dew drops on her blonde lashes and hair. _Noah…_

Noah swallowed hard. “Yes?”

Elisabeth leaned in to press a gentle kiss to his wet lips, and Noah blinked in surprise, closing his eyes as he kissed her back, his hand rising to cup her jaw. He ignored the growing gnaw of desire in his stomach for the time being. This was all he wanted, forever. Elli pulled away, smiling softly. _I hope you know you’re forgiven,_ she signed, and Noah choked on his breath.

Noah’s heart swelled. He hadn’t ever expected that, but Elli was never one to do the expected. She wasn’t Noah, formed of plans and rules. “I… Thank you, Elli. I don’t deserve it.”

Elisabeth shrugged. _I love you too much for you to think I’ll never move past it. I will. And so will you._

Noah was overwhelmed. He didn’t deserve this, this beautiful girl that accepted him and saw every great and awful inch of him and loved him still. He took Elisabeth’s hand and kissed it, like he had what felt like a lifetime ago, when she had been shot. It meant as much as it had back then. “Thank you, Little Fox.”

The rain had almost stopped completely. They sat with their hands entwined, until Elli pulled away to sign. She looked at Noah, her head tilted. A flicker of pure Elisabeth-ness skittered across her face, and Noah narrowed his eyes. _Did you swim much in your time?_ Elli signed.

Noah’s mouth went dry. “Well…” he began. No more secrets. “…No. Mama and Franziska tried to get me to go in the water, but I didn’t want to.” Please, don’t be going where I think you’re going, Noah prayed. Or do?

That devilish sparkle appeared in Elli’s eyes, and Noah’s stomach did a somersault. _Do you think the water at the lake would be safe to swim in now? If we can boil it to drink and wash in, surely, it’s safe to swim in._

Noah pursed his lips. He knew it was safe. “Jonas washes in there, on the rare occasion he washes,” signed Noah, before he could stop himself. Noah was torn. He both didn’t want to embarrass himself, but the idea of Elisabeth, her skin soaking wet against his, was enticing. But… “What if people see us? Bad people? It could be dangerous.”

Elisabeth chewed her lip, thinking, before she got to her feet, looking around for her coat and pants. Noah couldn’t help but avert his eyes as she dressed, which he knew was stupid, because she was just in her underwear and he had also seen her without clothes before. He longed to see her in such a way again, but he didn’t want to rush it.

 _I know a spot_ , Elli signed when she was dressed. She held out her hand. _And no one will find us there._

\---

The hidden waterhole shimmered in the dappled grey light, dark green trees lining the sand. Amazingly, cicadas had begun to chirp, and the sound immediately transported Noah back to Summer evenings in his time, out in the cornfields. Noah was floored by the lake's beauty, which, while less verdant and lively, remained even after a nuclear Apocalypse. It was almost as it had been when Noah had stood here over 100 years ago, when he was about six years old. Elisabeth was surprised he knew the spot at all, since it was so well hidden.

“Franziska showed it to us,” he signed, and Elli’s eyes widened. She made a _mind blown_ sign with her hand, and Noah chuckled, but he was nervous. What if the water wasn’t safe? What if someone saw them? Sweat beaded on his temple, and his jacket was stiflingly hot in this new Spring weather.

Elisabeth was already shedding her jacket, as quickly as she had that time in the Kahnwald house when she found the red dress. Noah tried not to gawk as she revealed her wet t-shirt, the fabric clinging to her chest.

He inhaled at the sight of her flat stomach as she stripped down to only her bra, his eyes trailing longingly over the smooth planes on which he had left a trail of kisses. Her bra-strap hung half off her shoulder, the shoulder and neck he wanted to trace with his tongue again. Noah cleared his throat, looking away quickly, but not quick enough for Elisabeth not to notice. She dipped her head to gesture to his coat, all the while pulling her heavy pants down to her ankles. Her legs were lithe and muscled from all the running, the scar from the bullet only giving her more character, and the curves of her hips and her taut behind didn’t make Noah’s longing any easier.

Noah watched as she strode towards the water, dipping her toe in to check the temperature. She turned and looked at him, her blonde hair pasted to her forehead with sweat. _Come on, it’s nice_ , she made a signal for him to join her at the water’s edge. _Nothing radioactive about it._ Noah was still unsure, and Elli huffed. _Scared of radioactive fish? They’ll only bite you a little._

A chortle escaped Noah’s throat, relenting, but his heart was thumping as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. He caught Elli’s eyes while she drank in his body, and Noah’s skin grew even warmer. He joined her cautiously, and before he could say anything, Elisabeth ran into the water and dived in with a splash.

Noah laughed aloud as she resurfaced, hair flat against her head. The water was up to her chest. _Come on, I’ll show you how,_ Elli signed, and Noah couldn’t help himself. Elisabeth Doppler was a grinning siren, and he was an unsuspecting sailor who had never learnt to swim. His feet carried him into the cool water. “Oh,” Noah sighed in pleasure as the cool, silky water enveloped him, reaching his knees, his thighs, oh god it was cold right there, his stomach. He had forgotten what it felt like to be fully immersed.

 _See? It’s so nice_ , Elli signed, swimming up to him. Noah didn’t take his feet off the ground, afraid he would sink like a stone. Elisabeth sensed his hesitation, and took his hands in hers. _Trust me_ , her eyes implored. Slowly, she led him deeper, until the dark water was up to Noah’s shoulders. _We can stay right here_ , Elli signed, kicking to keep her hands above the water. No deeper.

She guided Noah to float on his back, which, mortifyingly, Noah couldn’t really do. He just kept sinking unless Elli held him up, her hands on his back, her bra and breasts in startlingly close proximity to his face. “One day,” he signed to Elli as he stood upright, his feet finding the mud and pebbles again. Elisabeth nodded, her hands gliding down his back. Noah shivered, hoping the water was concealing his excitement.

 _You tried. Don’t worry. If we’re ever stuck in the middle of the ocean, I’ll drag your body back to shore_ , she teased, and Noah snorted.

“Why would we ever be in the middle of the ocean?”

 _Because you’ve never been, and one day, I’ll take you there._ Elli’s eyes shone even greener against the murky water. Noah smiled as Elli paddled closer.

“Will you, now?” Noah asked, She nodded, shaking wet hair from her eyes. She stood upright, her pale body glistening and glorious. Noah’s eyes trailed along the droplets of water between her breasts, and he swallowed.

_In Paradise. I’ll take you to the coast. We can dive under the waves and bake in the sun until we’re brown and red, and I’ll buy you ice-cream._

Noah’s hands made their way through the water to squeeze Elisabeth’s. She pulled him closer, and Noah’s stomach swooped from a great height, as Elli pressed her chest to his. He tried not to react too overtly as her knee crept between his legs. Noah inhaled heavily, his skin scorching where Elli’s shapely chest pressed against his. She looked up at him, her mouth slightly parted, and Noah was hers entirely, under her spell.

 _Can I…?_ Elli mouthed, and Noah nodded even though he didn’t know what she was asking. Her hands snaked around his neck, and a low rumble hummed in Noah’s chest. This was dangerous territory, especially when he hadn’t been... relieving himself in a while, but god, he was in love, and the things he would do for her body on his, under his… He slid his wet hands to Elli’s hips, and then, finally, she was kissing him, her red lips irresistible and demanding. Noah melted against her. Three weeks had been too long to wait for such a kiss, but it only made it better. Finally, at long last, they were here in Paradise again. 

Noah’s breath was shallow as he gripped her hips tight, pulling her flush against him. His body and mouth were starving for Elisabeth’s, and he deepened the kiss, shifting from a gentle probing to a possessive and urgent hunger before he could remind himself to slow down. Elli met it with the same intensity, and the juncture of Noah’s thighs was alight, and he couldn’t help but moan when Elli’s knee brushed his hardness beneath the water. He growled deep in his throat, as the brush f her knee sent a tremor throughout his entire body. Noah’s hands found the waistband of Elli’s underwear, and his hooked his thumbs into the elastic, wondering what she would do if he slipped his hand underneath.

As he wondered, Elli pressed her stomach into his cock, and he gasped into the kiss, and before he could control himself, his fingers were digging into the soft skin of Elli’s ass. She made a sound so heavenly that Noah could have come undone right there and then, but the cool water grounded him, her scent reminding him to wait, _wait!_

It was an overload of sensation, and the knot in Noah’s stomach tightened even more when at once they broke apart, wet and gasping. Elisabeth’s lips were swollen, her cheeks flushed, and Noah had never seen a sight so beautiful, nor so utterly agonising. He was aching for her, and she knew.

“That was…” Noah murmured into Elli’s hair, “… indescribable.” He didn’t know the sign for that, but Elli hummed against him appreciatively, her nails scratching the back of his neck. Noah closed his eyes tight, imagining her nails raking down his back, over his tattoo…

She stepped on his feet to lean up to kiss his lips again, just a peck, before grinning… and promptly diving away, splashing Noah entirely. He gasped as the cool water brought him back to earth, but the mast between his legs didn’t disappear, and he let out a pained laugh as Elli did a somersault.

He suppressed a groan at the sight of her ass. _Oh, god._


	39. Want pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S THIS SHIRT:  
> https://twitter.com/DarkNetflixDE/status/1191490311840813057/photo/1

Elisabeth wriggled her toes impatiently, her back sticky with sweat.

Everything was too warm, and it wasn't just because it was summer. Even in her thin t-shirt Elisabeth's skin was aflame, and her blood ran like liquid copper through her veins. Something inside her was growing out of control, and Elisabeth didn't know how long she could wrangle it. Something in the shape of Noah.

Noah invaded her dreams even more than already had every year of knowing him, and Elli woke most nights flushed and sweaty, restraining to urge to wake him and kiss him until he couldn't breathe. Their Apocalyptic surroundings, their circumstances, Adam and Jonas and Claudia and Sic Mundus, they all seemed to disintegrate nowadays when she was with Noah. Their day at the lake a few days ago had been almost unbearable. The sensation of his wet lips against hers, his muscular arms around her, and his hardness against her belly sent fireworks through her core that were so white-hot, they hurt. _He wants me like that, too_ , she realised when she felt his arousal. _He wants more than what we've done already._

But Noah was never one to give in to his own desires so easily. Elisabeth, on the other hand… well, she wasn't as patient. She remembered the time she'd touched Noah's tattoo and he had avoided her for a week. She rolled over onto her side, smirking at the memory. She'd always liked to jump into the deep end, whereas Noah was the type to inch his way into the water, painfully slow. 

The warm evening air was grey and balmy. After they'd eaten their dinner of rabbit and baked beans, Elli poked Noah, who was reading his Hermetic texts again. He was lying on his side on his sleeping bag, wearing his old blue tunic shirt, which hung loosely on his lithe, muscled frame. He looked up at her, and Elli was sure she would never stop floating in those cool blue depths. The only way to cool down, she mused. _Did you keep any of those pictures of Sic Mundus?_ she signed. Noah's eyebrows raised, concerned, but he nodded. _Can I see them?_

 _Are you sure?_ Noah signed, frowning. Even after she had forgiven him, he was still worried. But he shouldn't have been. Elli had long come to terms with it now.

Elli nodded assuredly. _I want to know more._ She was ready to see more pictures of Sic Mundus, of Franziska. She had crossed over that bridge of mourning for her sister. Elli knew where and when Franziska was, and now, she knew that when the Passage opened, she could reach her. All Elli could do now was worry about herself and Noah while here in the present. In the meantime, really, all she wanted was to be with Noah. All she wanted was him. She wanted her beautiful, stoic Noah, his words, his love, his mind… his body.

Noah conceded with a relenting smile. He rolled over to search his backpack, and Elli admired the hard lines of his torso, the veins in his strong forearms, the v-shape of his hips as his shirt rode up, the fine gold hairs that led downwards to that undiscovered territory. That unknown centre which had been stiff for _her,_ for Elli, how it felt brushing against her thigh beneath the water. The familiar, pulsing heat returned between Elisabeth's legs, and she remembered his ravenous expression as he had tasted her there, the sensation of his mouth as it worked her until she came undone.

Elli gritted her teeth. The photos were suddenly of much, much less importance.

Noah rolled back over to face her, and grinned in pleasant surprise at how close Elli was to him. _Unfortunately, all the photos I thought I had aren't here,_ he signed apologetically. _They're back at the church._

Elli deflated, sensing he was about to suggest he run back to get the photos, but then she perked up. _Do you want to go back there together?_ She signed. She was ready to return to those archaic, sumptuous headquarters. _The last time wasn't great._

Noah nodded sheepishly. _It wasn't._ Noah tilted his head, a slow smile overtaking his sharp, pale features. _If you're sure… then of course. I'd love to._

Elli bounced to her feet, hoisting Noah upwards before he could protest. She was more than sure. _Grab the lanterns._

_\---_

The Sic Mundus headquarters weren't as strange to Elisabeth anymore, and the bright light of the yellow summer moon gave the wooden walls and partially singed furniture of Adam's study a warm glow. It emanated what Noah described it as once having; extravagance. The lavish carpets remained unscathed, as did a lot of the dusty armchairs, but the coal-black walls peeled, and the remains of an old painting remained melted into the wall above the fireplace.

Elisabeth had brought two lanterns, and placed them on an old, lacquered wooden desk by one of the blackened armchairs. Noah did the same with his, giving Elisabeth a sly grin. _That smile would have broken so many girls' hearts in your time,_ Elli signed, and Noah laughed, so blindingly beautiful that Elli had to lean back on the desk. Noah shook his head.

 _If that was the case, then I was unaware_ , Noah signed. He leaned in close, his dark eyes flickering in the lantern's light. _Besides, it's only your heart I want._

Elisabeth grinned, enamoured. A younger Elisabeth would have made the sign for _vomit_. But the hungry shimmer in Noah's eyes gave his signs a sense more akin to the way a wolf might only hunt for one particular sheep, or the way a hunter desired only one rare bird. Elisabeth's eyes flicked down to Noah's lips, then back to his eyes, which sparkled as he pulled away. Elli moaned internally. _You're all mine_ , Elli thought. She wasn't a sheep. She was a fox.

Elli watched as Noah circled the room, tracing the wall with his hand. Everything about Noah was strong and sleek. The way he walked, a predatory stalk. The strong angle of his jaw and nose. His strong pectorals, shimmering with sweat as they peeked through the undone buttons of his old blue shirt. Noah turned on his heel, walking backwards. He tilted his head at Elli, smiling confusedly. _What?_

Elli stood, jittery with excitement and deathly fear. Noah stopped circling the room, still smiling at her. If it didn't work, it didn't work. Elisabeth brushed her tangled hair over to one side. _Noah…_ She took a deep breath, taking a few steps towards him, until she was about two metres away from where he stood by the wall. He straightened, and his eyes trailed from her face to her feet, pausing briefly on her chest. Elisabeth's shirt was rendered see-through in the lantern light, and she was glad for it. _Do you ever wonder if Paradise could be reached earlier?_ she signed.

Noah's expression shifted at that, and Elisabeth's breath caught. Boldly, she stepped closer to him again, until he was almost against the wall of the study. _Of course,_ Noah signed, shifting his weight. _But… it'll happen when the Plan dictates._ We _need to be patient, but I promise. Adam promised. The Passage will open, Elli._ His earnest gaze furtively traced Elli up and down again, somewhat feverishly. Elli sensed he was catching on, but not playing along. She'd have to try harder.

Elli reached Noah and took his hand in hers, and he licked his lips nervously. Beads of sweat collected on his temples, even though it was cooler down here. She could feel Noah's pulse in his clammy, roughened hand as she grazed her thumb over his knuckles. The photos and their actual purpose for being here were, now, completely forgotten.

 _What if we forgot the Plan for a little while?_ She signed with her free hand. Elisabeth had no idea what she was saying, but it sounded good in her head. Kind of. Her hand and mouth moved fervently. _If you could forget everything, the past, the future, Adam, Paradise, where we are… what would you want? Right now, in the present? If you could have anything?_

The muscles in Noah's angular jaw danced, the warm light from the lanterns casting shadows on his cheekbones. _I…_ he inhaled deeply as Elli took her hand from his, instead resting it on his hard chest, feeling his heart. It thrummed like an electric telephone wire beneath her palm, and Noah's eyelids fluttered, his Adam's apple bobbing in his neck. Elli saw him clear his throat before finding his words. _You know that all I want is to be with you. For us to be together until Paradise, in Paradise, and beyond. For you to be safe, and happy_ , he signed. _Safe_ , he reiterated with a firm swipe of his hand.

She knew what that meant. Elli's confidence waivered. Safety. What was safety, in this world? _I am as safe as I can be, and as happy_ , Elli signed with her free hand, her head woozy at Noah's proximity. There was nothing but air and thin layers of cotton between their hot skin. _Because I'm with you._

The side of Noah's mouth quirked in a smile, the pale skin around his eyes crinkling. Elisabeth loved those crinkles possibly more than anything in this world. _And I'm with you_.

But Elli wasn't done. _Is that all you want, though?_ she signed, and she could feel Noah vibrating under her hand. He backed against the wall. Elli needed to know what he was thinking, feeling, wanting. Was she being childish again? Just a silly teenage girl? She had been so sure after the lake. Was it too much? _Is that all you want?_ She signed again, hoping he could see her signs in the lantern's light. 

Noah wet his lips, weighing his response. Elli held her breath. 

_No,_ he signed at last. _It's not._

Elli's stomach lurched. She prayed that meant what she hoped it meant. If it didn't... oh well.

Tentatively, she leaned up on her tip toes to brush the lightest kiss against Noah's lips. Just the barest touch, the hint of a taste of that perfect mouth she loved so much. She expected the kiss to be short, but before she could pull away, Noah's hand reached up to grasp the back of her neck. Elisabeth's legs quivered beneath her as she felt Noah relax under her hand, then resist… then relax again, his mouth opening to welcome hers in a deep, warm, languid kiss. 

Elisabeth sighed into Noah's mouth as his tongue pressed against hers, their lips moving as if they'd been formed to fit perfectly together as one. _Adam... Jonas... be damned, if this isn't Paradise_ , thought Elli, as they broke apart to breathe. Her lips tingled, longing for more. Noah's eyelids were hooded, his jaw tense, and Elisabeth wanted the short distance he held her at to disappear. His hand curled into the hairs on the nape of her neck, sending shivers down her spine. That look! The look she always longed to see returned to Noah's eyes. Now was her chance.

Daringly, slowly, Elli slid her non-signing hand beneath the open neck of Noah's shirt, smoothing over the skin of his chest. Noah's eyes fluttered closed, and his head leant backwards, the white column of his neck begging to be kissed. Elli wondered what he'd do if she tried, what he'd do if she leant in and pressed her lips along that polished marble. 

So she did.

 _Elli…_ he mouthed, that crease appearing between his brows, and Elli felt her name in his throat, his chest, in his body, in her body, inside her. She pulled back from his neck, smiling, but her lids were growing as heavy as the air. Noah opened his eyes, gazing at her from beneath his hooded lids. His pupils took up his entire iris, black like an animal's in the lantern's light.

Elisabeth's finger trailed to the button of his shirt where it opened. Noah swallowed. _Then what do_ _ **you**_ _want?_ Elli signed.

Noah's gaze darkened, but Elli held it intently. The chambers seemed to pulsate with unreleased energy around them. She and Noah were the focal point of the universe, only the two of them in all existence. Elli's heart was pounding, and so was Noah's.

Just them, in the darkness, forever. Noah and Elisabeth.

In an instant, the room spun around Elisabeth, and it was now her back against the wall, Noah's large hands firm but gentle on either side of her. Noah bowed his head, pressing his damp forehead against hers, his eyes closed. Elli's breathing accelerated, their breath mingling in the minute space between their lips.

Noah nuzzled her cheekbone with his nose, and then he was kissing her again, but this time his lips were harder against hers, messy and sweaty and perfect. Elli met Noah's newfound intensity, and her breath hitched and Noah caught her bottom lip lightly with his teeth. Elli was sure she made a sound of utter pleasure. New, exciting bliss… Noah's hands were in her hair, holding her head firmly against his, insatiable, and Elisabeth was shaking with want, a pressure so deep she thought she'd combust. 

Noah bent his head to kiss the soft skin of her neck, that tiny space between them finally disappearing. Elli gasped as suddenly his hips ground against hers with sweet, aching friction. She could feel him straining against the material of his trousers, his hardness pressing into her pelvis through the seam of her pants, against that sensitive spot that yearned for Noah alone, his mouth, his fingers, all of him. Elli whimpered. _Oh._

She could hardly focus when Noah's hungry lips made their way up to the side of Elli's jaw, pausing before he slowly, gently, intimately grazed his mouth over Elli's ear. Elli froze, every inch of her ablaze. Tears almost sprung into hers eyes. He kissed her earlobe gently, tracing the pink shell with wonder and it was as if he were saying, _"I see you, Elisabeth Doppler. I see your limitation, and I only desire you more."_

Elli had never loved him more. She had never wanted him more.

 _You know,_ Noah breathed as he pulled back to look into her eyes, and Elli tasted his words, saw the shape of his lips. _You know._ Did she? Noah was trembling. Or maybe it was Elli? She couldn't tell, but they were both live wires, bombs on the edge of detonation _. God, Elli… you know I want you._

Oh my god. Those were the only words blaring through Elli's mind as Noah's mouth trailed from her ear to her cheek, lingering over her swollen, kiss-chapped lips. His words sent thrills and ripples of heat through Elli's entire being. Elisabeth wanted him to sign them, again and again and again until his hands were being used for other things. _How?_ She mouthed, hoping he would understand. _How do you want me?_ Tell me, she willed him desperately.

 _In every way_ , he signed, in the charged gap of air between their bodies. Elisabeth's chest heaved against Noah's, and a deep, hollow ache within her began to build, that yearning that only Noah could satisfy. _Can't you feel it?_

She could. Noah was as as stiff as a mast against her, and it terrified Elli as much as it thrilled her. Heat and dampness pooled in Elli's centre, and she knew as well as Noah did that this was dangerous ground they were treading. But in a nuclear wasteland, how was something as sweet, as blissful as this dangerous? _Tell me the ways_ , Elli signed. She was needy, breathing hard, but she was desperate. _The ways you want me._

Noah's hungry eyes bore into hers. _I don't want to push you into anything. Or frighten you._

Elli felt laughter bubble in her chest, and Noah's face broke into a smile as Elli let it erupt from her. _Look at me, Noah! I'm the pushy one. Frighten me. Please_. Elli was shaking hard, now, and her laughter faded, overwhelmed by her need. _Please, tell me how._

Noah swallowed, and moistened his lips. I _want you the way a man wants a woman. The way a man loves his woman. Elisabeth... The way I want you doesn't even compare._

Those foolish tears almost crept back into Elli's eyes, she was so relieved. _I want you, too, Noah._ Warmth and moisture bloomed between Elisabeth's legs as Noah's hands stopped signing, and found their way to firmly grasp her hips. Elli wrung her hands into Noah's hair, grinding down onto his concealed hardness, the stiff length of him pushing between her thighs. She needed him, and he needed her. Noah's face twisted in sweet anguish, sweet desire. 

Elisabeth was giddy and afraid and excited all at once… until Noah pulled away to sign.

 _But not here._ _Elli…_ Noah signed, and Elli could have cried. _If I'm going to have you, little fox, it needs to be perfect. I will make tonight Paradise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CUE: cool, sexy, calm Noah having a freakout because he has no idea how to do this but HE'S HORNY AND IN LOVE SO WE'LL SEE HOW THIS GOES (help me jonas)


	40. Want pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June, 2029. Same night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 40 chapters in, and here we are... CANNOT BELIEVE how many of you stuck with me for the sweet payoff, LOVE YOU ALL PLEASE COMMENT

Their hands were slick against one another as Noah and Elli all but sprinted back to the cabin.

Noah could hardly breathe, he was so dizzy, so elated, so aroused. All he knew was Elisabeth. She was the world, now, the scent of her sweat and her lips and her heat. All he saw was Elisabeth as she skipped in front of him, flipping her blonde locks to peek over her shoulder seductively at him. Noah’s belly stirred. How she had ever learnt to become to seductive, he had no idea.

...He had no idea.

What had Jonas told him last year? When Noah had brought up his… nightly musings? _Be safe. You don’t want her to get pregnant in this environment_ , Jonas had warned, and Noah had blustered in response, adamant he would never dishonour Elisabeth in such a way. If you do, though, Jonas has said, you’ll need protection. And then Noah was informed of an invention he hadn’t ever been aware of. It was genius, really. Noah marvelled at modern, or future, values in regards to sex. But still, in his mind back then, Elli deserved better than him. Back then, it was just a fantasy Noah indulged in when he was alone. They were just courting, weren’t they? They weren’t even married! At that point in time, the mere idea of touching Elli in such a way seemed so far out of reach that it was impossible.

But it was happening. Elisabeth wanted Noah. She had said it herself- she wanted him, and Noah wanted her. He had wanted her for so, so long, with a burning desire so strong he couldn’t tame it any longer. What more, It wasn’t a dream, nor an intangible prophecy.

Elli was real.

She was the only real thing in Noah’s world. And she was all his, and he was all hers.

Sweat poured down Noah’s cheeks, and he could hardly run without the friction of his pants causing intense sensation. “Elli!” he whispered, his voice hoarse. Noah managed to ground himself long enough to take Elli by the shoulders, brushing her hair back from her face. Noah laughed into her mouth when Elisabeth leant up and practically swallowed him whole, backing him up against a tree. His cock stirred painfully as her needy fingers clutched the collar of his shirt.

She was hard to resist, but Noah needed to make sure. “Elli,” he signed when they broke apart, gasping. “I need to… find…” oh god. What the fuck is the symbol for that? Noah thought. “… Jonas,” he signed instead, wincing.

Elisabeth balked, her features breaking into a wide grin. _Jonas?_ She signed, snorting. _Even now, Adam is on your mind?_

“No!” Noah couldn’t think of anything besides Elisabeth. Jonas knew things he didn’t, though. and had things. “He has…” Noah gave a sheepish grin, willing Elisabeth to understand. He lowered his voice, even though the dusky woods were empty, their only company the whirr of radiation. “… safety.”

Elisabeth’s eyebrows rose, and she pursed her lips to suppress a laugh. _You think I didn’t think ahead?_ She signed, and Noah’s jaw popped open. How? _I found some at the police station years ago_. _I kept them for some reason, out of curiosity._ Noah was shocked, but Elli doubled over in silent laughter against Noah’s shoulder. _You were really going to burst in on Jonas and Claudia and ask for condoms?_

Heat rushed to Noah’s cheeks. The idea of Claudia Tiedemann finding out was possibly worse than Elisabeth getting pregnant. “If I had to, then I would face Claudia for you,” Noah signed chivalrously, and Elli’s eyes grew dark with that desire. Desire for him. She kissed Noah again, hard. Noah moaned as her teeth clanged against his, her tongue persistent and probing. She took his hand in his and dragged him forwards in the direction of the cabin. Her certainty only made Noah harder, his cock stirring in his pants.

When they reached the cabin, sticky and aroused and drunk on one another, Noah was suddenly overwhelmed, and the muggy, apocalyptic weather made him very self-conscious that he smelt, or looked too dishevelled. He needed to calm himself. He looped his fingers around Elli’s wrist, taking her chin between his thumb and index finger. She smirked her crooked smirk, and Noah was unravelling. He took a shaky breath as he signed with his free hand. “You go inside. I just need…” to breathe. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

Elli nodded, dipping her head to kiss his fingers as she walked backwards towards the cabin, giving Noah one last longing as she entered. Noah inhaled the damp night air, closing his eyes. “Elli,” he murmured on the exhale. “Elisabeth.” Noah was in love, totally, undeniably, in love. Noah would make it perfect for her, for Elisabeth doppler, the girl he loved. He took another deep breath, and exhaled again. His pulse was still racing, but Noah had always known that with Elli, it would never slow.

His eyes flicked open, and Noah walked up onto the patio, pulling his boots off at the door.

Everything had happened so quickly beneath the church. Their kiss, their admissions, their mutual, animalistic desire overwhelming them… but when Noah opened the cabin door, everything slowed down, the way it had when he had found her in their cave, bloody and afraid.

There she was, waiting for him.

Noah swallowed as he looked at Elisabeth, his Elli. The furthest thing from bloody and afraid, now. Flushed and excited and beautiful. His little fox bounced on the balls of her feet, in her thin white t-shirt and baggy rain-paints. Her blonde hair a golden waterfall down her back in the lantern light. She smiled shakily, and Noah smiled back. It was as if time stood still. It was as if Paradise had arrived for them alone, a timeless world, in which only Noah and Elli existed.

The steps he took towards her felt like mile-long strides, dreamlike, until finally he was close to her. Noah’s stomach did a somersault when Elli stepped towards him too, until he could count all the shades of green in her eyes. Those curious, beautiful eyes were wide and glistening as they bore into his, her lips parted in wonder, as slowly, Elli reached up and placed her hand on Noah’s racing heart.

Noah’s mouth opened as Elli grazed her hand across the bared skin of his chest, over his shirt, to the suspender looped over his right shoulder. Noah could hardly see straight as she hooked her thumb beneath it, and slowly, agonisingly slow, slid it down his arm.

When she used her other hand to do the same to the other, something on Noah’s back got twisted, and the suspender wouldn’t budge. Elli frowned, firmly spinning Noah around with impatience. Noah laughed as she worked desperately at the clasp on his back, until finally both suspenders hung loosely by his sides.

Noah’s breathing grew rapid when Elisabeth’s deft, insistent fingers found the first secured button on his shirt, which was about halfway down his chest. “You can,” he said, his voice hoarse, nodding to spur her forward. “Please, do.”

Elli’s eyes glimmered with desire as she undid the buttons, one at a time, until Noah’s shirt was completely undone. Noah’s cock stirred at the hungry gleam in Elli’s eyes, so hard it hurt; he knew he would have to control himself if he wanted it to be perfect. He wouldn’t last long, otherwise. “Elli…” Noah whispered as she began to take his shirt off, her movements speeding up, until his shirt fell to the floor.

Noah groaned as her needy, demanding hands caressed his tense torso. He couldn’t wait, how could he wait? Noah’s hand found the back of Elli’s head, digging into her hair, and pulled her into him.

Their lips met they way they had met; in flickering light, in sweat and heat and fire and everything new. Like a force beyond themselves had led them towards one another, that all their both of their lives had been leading to each other’s minds, each other’s bodies, each other’s souls.

Then somehow, they were both kneeling on their bed mats which Elli must have pushed together, their sleeping bags rustling beneath them. Noah forced his heavy eyelids open as his hand slid down to rest on Elli’s stomach, inching the fabric of her t-shirt upwards. “Is this alright?” he said, ensuring his words were obvious on his lips. Nothing could get lost in translation here.

Elli nodded urgently. _Yes._

Noah’s rough hand slid beneath the bottom of her t-shirt, finding the smooth skin underneath, lingering on the thin skin between her hips. He felt Elli tremble beneath his hand as he splayed his fingers, tracing over that soft, untouched skin, waiting for him to touch, to taste. Elli’s breath sped up, too, and she nodded continuously, her brow creasing.

“Oh, you want it off,” Noah murmured under his breath, his lip twitching. So did Noah. He wanted all barriers between them gone, to be so close they their skin melded together, and their bodies became one.

In a lapse of self-restraint, Noah roughly pulled her t-shirt up. Noah took a sharp intake of breath when he exposed her shapely breasts, white and veined with pert pink nipples that he would take in his mouth until she cried. Elli helped him pull her shirt over her head, and Noah’s distended cock strained so hard against his pants he thought it might break through.

He marvelled at Elli’s slim torso, sliding his large hand down between her breasts, and Elli was trembling all over. _Tell me how you want me again_ , Elli signed, and the knot of heat in Noah’s belly grew even more intense. His hand made its way downwards on Elli’s body, coming to a stop beneath her navel, his fingers pressing into her flesh. She shivered beneath his touch.

Noah had a new idea. Using his index finger, her traced signs on the delicate skin on her stomach. “In every way, Elli,” he croaked, his finger swirling as he signed. Elli nodded, her tongue clicking. _Keep going._ “I want… to have you.” His other hand trailed along the waistband of her pants as he traced the words, and Elli leaned in closer, her breathing ragged. “The way a man has a woman.” Elli kept nodding, _please, don’t stop_! “And I will,” he wrote. Elisabeth whimpered, a sound so perfect Noah wished he could capture it forever in his mind. “I will have you tonight, little fox. Just tell me what you want, and its yours. I’m yours.”

Elli’s mouth was on his again as she pushed his hand down to the fly of her pants, and Noah unzipped it with sweaty fingers. She wriggled unceremoniously out of the heavy material, and Noah couldn’t help but grin into the kiss as she struggled to kick them away. Then, before he could register, her fingers were on his fly and she was unzipping it. The sensation of her fingers so close to his cock drew an instinctive groan from deep within Noah’s chest. Elli helped Noah shimmy his pants down, and she gazed in awe at the taut, alert rod between Noah’s legs, concealed only by thin grey material. Noah had thought he would be more self-conscious, but he was so stiff for her that he didn’t care. He just needed her.

In an instant, Elli was lying down before him on her back, her thin pink underwear the only piece of material covering her. Her chest heaved, her legs falling open for him. He admired the scar on her thigh, the shiny pink skin where the bullet had grazed her, and he had patched her up. His eyes trailed upwards, and Noah swallowed as he saw her underwear was soaked. For me, he thought dizzily. She’s wet for me.

Elli’s blonde hair splayed around her head like a halo on her raggedy pillow, her lips red from kissing him, her small, firm breasts exposed for him alone. Noah had never seen a sight so perfect. He took his time to drink her in. Slow down, he reminded himself again. “You’re beautiful,” he signed, awestruck. "Absolutely beautiful."

Elli smiled. _So are you_ , she signed, pointing at him, then at herself. _Now kiss me everywhere, beautiful boy,_ Elli signed. As he always had, Noah obeyed.

Noah settled his body over hers, his erection pressing into Elli’s pelvis. She gasped, and Noah had to remind himself yet again to take his time, but the friction was so delicious he could have wept. He bent his head to kiss Elli’s neck, where her pulse thrummed visibly beneath the skin. He travelled downwards until he was worshipping the downy skin of her breasts, dedicating time to each one, cupping the goose-pimpled flesh. Noah didn’t break their eye contact as he caressed her nipple with his thumb, watching it harden under his touch. Elli nodded continuously.

 _Please_ , she mouthed. Noah smirked before taking her nipple in his mouth. Elisabeth’s back arched as she pushed against his mouth, her fingernails digging at his shoulders. He tongued and suckled her while his hand teased and rolled the other nipple. Her skin was salty with sweat and smooth like silk. All of Noah’s energy was concentrated on her pleasure, because if he focused on the pressure in between his legs, which was reaching painful heights, he would be lost.

Noah suckled and nibbled in time with Elli’s mewls and sighs, until he unlatched himself, his lips leaving feverish kisses down the centre of her stomach, past her belly button, to the top of her faded underwear. Elli’s cheeks were flushed, and her legs splayed for him, her thighs quivering. Noah noted the hard scar tissue of her gunshot wound and pressed a gentle kiss there for good measure, before he hooked his fingers over her waistband. He raised his eyebrows at her questioningly from his position between her legs, and Elli nodded.

He tugged the material down to her thighs, and he inhaled sharply as he exposed her perfect, pink centre at the juncture of her thighs, golden curls framing it like swirls of sweet honey. Noah moaned in delight, inhaling her essence. He kissed downwards over her pubic bone, over the mound until he parted her to kiss the pink pearl above her slick entrance. Elisabeth shuddered, her legs jerking apart for him.

Elli’s hand adhered to his hair, the other raking his tattoo. Noah swept the point of his tongue over that sensitive place, and Elli writhed, her breathing laboured. He devoted time to its surrounds, lingering nearby but avoiding the centre of her until she was almost thrashing. Elli watched, agonised, as Noah pressed his lips firmly against her entrance, her wetness on his mouth.

Elli moaned, pulling him upwards to kiss her lips again, yanking so hard Noah lost balance and fell against her.

They grunted as he fell flush onto her, their sweaty, sticky chests pressing against each other in a glorious accident. “Oh!” They both laughed as the sleeping bags shifted beneath them and their bodies met the wooden floor, and Noah almost apologised. But nothing stopped Elli. She wriggled against him, her lips pliant, urgent, needy, and their breath mixed in scorching heat. Noah’s hardness pressed firmly into her thigh, and they gasped in synchronisation at the sudden contact.

Heat surged to Noah’s groin as his chest brushed against her hard nipples, her soft breasts. His cock nestled between her thighs, and he was throbbing for her, a deep yearning he was desperate to satisfy. His entire being was aflame, and he was losing its control.

Elisabeth seemed to feel the same. _I’m ready for you to use your hand._ Noah felt Elli trace the signs on his back, just over his tattoo, and Noah broke the kiss to gasp for air.

“Like… this?” his hand searched for the warmth between her legs, the supple skin of her inner thigh scorching his fingers. He looked her in the eyes before he touched her, ‘is this okay?’ recalling the last time, and Elli nodded assuredly, her gaze thick with longing. _I’ve been practising,_ she mouthed. Noah needed no more convincing.

Elli guided his hand upwards and when he found her, she was soaking wet. Noah groaned. “Elli…” the knot in Noah’s stomach was overpowering, and he tremored as he pushed one finger against her wetness, gently at first, just the slightest pressure. She sighed into his mouth and pressed into his touch impatiently, and Noah’s eyes widened with wonder and sheer ecstasy. When had she become so certain of her own desire? She amazed Noah, with her absolute confidence and resolution.

He would make her even more sure of what she wanted.

Elisabeth’s breath caught and she glanced up at him, her eye-lashes fluttering, her lips parted. “Like that?” He did it again, and again, she pushed against his hand. Noah grinned slyly. “You’re so impatient, little fox,” Noah growled, as he tentatively dipped his finger inside her, drawing another wonderful sound from her throat. It sent Noah half-mad. “Does that feel good, my love?” Noah murmured, as he found that sensitive bud at the crown of her sex, circling it with his thumb. Elli nodded, _there, yes, there,_ and he continued working her there, relishing the sweet sounds she made.

“This, you seem to enjoy,” Noah purred. He smiled as he pressed two fingers gently inside her while he rubbed her pink bud with his thumb. He only went shallow, but Elli panted, rocking and pushing against him until his fingers were buried inside that sweet warmth. “That doesn’t hurt?” he mouthed, and Elli shook her head.

 _It’s perfect_ , she mouthed. Noah chuckled, his eyelids heavy with lust, as he slowly moved his fingers inside her, outside her, stroking, building that release he had elicited from her with his mouth. He watched in awe as she arched onto him, and he kept working her with his hands until she was clawing at him and whimpering. He followed her breath as his guide, building and building, until she was on the precipice, teetering on the edge.

Elisabeth was shuddering as her hands slid down Noah’s slick back to his underwear, and Noah moaned as she ran her hand underneath the fabric to grasp his ass. They locked eyes, and Elli slowly tugged Noah’s pants down with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. Noah sighed in relief as he was finally free, and Elli’s eyes grew wide at the sight of him before her, large and rigid and ready. Noah hoped she wasn’t afraid, but then she looked up at him through her eyelashes in faux-innocence, and Noah’s heart was thumping, all the blood from his brain and body concentrated between his legs.

In the throes of her pleasure, as desperate as Noah was for that sweet release, Elli threw her hand out sideways to grab the condom, pressing it into Noah’s hand. Noah knelt back on his knees, and Elli watched as Noah prepared himself, her green eyes black with sheer lust. Noah didn't look away from her, his cock standing alert for her and her alone.

When he was ready, he positioned himself over her, admiring her lithe form beneath his, her milky skin, the pink peaks of her nipples, their sweat mingling on the lines of his hard stomach.

The sudden gravity of what they were about to do hit them both simultaneously. Their eyes never left one another’s, and Noah’s breath caught at the fact this was happening. He put all his weight into one hand, signing with the other. “Paradise,” he whispered and signed, circling his ear, and Elli’s eyes shone with adoration and desire.

 _Paradise,_ she signed back. This was it.

Carefully, Noah parted Elli’s thighs with his hand, and Noah’s cock skimmed against her drenched, engorged entrance, and it was as if he were dreaming as slowly, like she was the most precious thing in this entire world, _and she was!..._ Noah sunk into her with a moan.

Warmth, gliding smoothness enveloped him. “Oh, fuck,” Noah grunted. Elli gasped sharply, and Noah paused only a little way in, making sure he wasn’t hurting her with the last remnants of self-control. _Don’t stop, keeping going,_ Elli mouthed, grasping Noah’s back, and Noah followed her order faithfully. He pushed further inside her with a moan, putting all his weight into one hand to hold himself over her, the other working her above where they joined in damp heat.

Noah looked down at their bodies, intertwined, connected forever, and he shuddered in utter pleasure. Elli gasped at his vibration, holding him closer. Was this Paradise? Had Adam been lying to him the entire _fucking time?_

Elli was so wet, so silky smooth as her legs encircled his waist and suddenly drew him deeper, and Noah let out a sound he didn’t even know he was capable of, pressing his face against Elli’s neck, now filling her entirely.

“Elisabeth…” he breathed, the knot in his belly growing more intense, as Elli began to keen, the peak of her pleasure close due to his constant, persistent touch. Her hips bucked, and Noah cried out as she guided him in undulating movements with her hips, moving herself up and down along his shaft in deep, slow thrusts. “Yes, Elli,” he whispered as she clung to him and pulled him closer, and he was deep enough he could feel both their pulses, her sex flooded around his. Elli pressed her forehead against Noah’s chest, guiding each thrust in and out, until Noah was radiating warmth, their sweat pooling on Elli’s stomach.

He rubbed her wetness, and she was jerking and tremoring like he had shocked her. Noah watched in amazement as he took her so close to that edge, and she was breathing so hard and sliding up and down so fast that it made Noah see white light, his own pleasure building to a euphoric and rapidly approaching peak.

“Yes, Elli, that’s it,” he panted between breaths. He grasped the soft flesh of her ass with one hand, holding her tight around the shoulders with the other, and Noah had lost all inhibitions now as his slow, deep thrusts sped up. Elli shook powerfully as she began to climax, her breathing erratic and noisy. She tightened around him as she let out a sound Noah had never heard from her, a cry of absolute pleasure and release that he had dreamed of so many times, and now it was happening, it was real and she was real and he was inside her… and she came, came so hard she cried out, and Noah was losing control completely, and she was sliding him in and out of her, building him to meet her at that glorious peak, and they pressed their glistening foreheads against one another as they watched the joining of their bodies in bliss.

They bucked against one another, until they were moving in ways that he had only ever imagined in his head. Their lips met in messy, sweaty kisses, rocking against one another until finally, at long last, Noah was coming undone, the knot unravelling, and he wasn’t on earth anymore, he was in Paradise. He called Elli’s name, and she held him tight, grinning up at him as he released, seeing stars and the moon and the sun and Elisabeth Doppler.

He came harder than he had ever come before, his hands tight on Elli’s ass, his pleasure as white-hot as the Apocalypse, and twice as powerful. "Elli!" he cried, and he collapsed, undone, his breath coming in ragged gasps.

Eventually, the throbbing subsided, and Elli looked up at Noah with a wide, awestruck expression, and Noah slowly came back to earth, gripping Elli’s long legs.

After a few deep breaths, their shining, moist eyes met, and they both laughed at the sheer joy, the utter amazement at what they’d just done. Elli grabbed Noah and rolled him onto his side to kiss him through the laughter. They panted as if they had both just run a long race, and Elli fit perfectly against Noah as she traced the lines of his chest, and it was perfect, perfect Paradise.

 _I love you,_ she traced, and Noah pulled her close and kissed her, hard. Their hands found one another, interlocking tightly.

“I love you, little fox,” he whispered into her forehead as she nestled against him, and they giggled and cuddled, sticky with love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope it was worth the wait <3


	41. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June, 2029.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluffiest fluffsmut FOR YOUR PATIENCE, GOOD NOABETH FANS <3

Elisabeth had thought Paradise would not be within her reach until the Passage opened.

As Noah's chest rose and fell beneath her head with every breath, and his fingers absently skimmed her shoulder, her hair, she knew she had been wrong. This was Paradise. Noah was Paradise.

 _Good morning_. She traced the signs on his bare chest, and grinned Noah's chest purred beneath her ear.

 _Good morning, little fox,_ he traced on her bare back, covered only by the sleeping bag. She shivered as his finger drew signs on her spine. _How was your sleep? How are you?_ He paused, his eyebrows knitting together. _Are you… well?_

Her dreams had been of Noah, of a lake, and rain, the church, dancing, and black paint. Elisabeth recalled the night before, and butterflies fluttered in her belly as she remembered what had happened. The sheer joy and pleasure of it all, even with its few clumsy moments. Noah's confidence, their mutual desire, his gentle yet firm touches. _I'm the best I've ever been_ , she signed, humming happily. _Thanks to you._

Elli felt Noah exhale a sigh. Was that relief? She grinned to herself, busying herself with a crescent-shaped scar on Noah's ribcage, tracing it with her finger. He had nothing to worry about. Noah had been so secure in himself, so incredibly sexy, and Elli knew she wouldn't be able to wait longer to see that side of him again. In fact, she couldn't wait at all.

Elli rolled over onto her stomach, looking up at Noah through her eyelashes. Slowly, beneath the sleeping bag, she trailed her hand up the hard, defined lines of his stomach, feeling his pulse thrum and his skin raise with goose-bumps as she reached his chest. She had dreamt of moments like these.

 _Your heart is beating so fast,_ Elli signed, and Noah chuckled, stupidly breathtaking. His Adam's-apple jumped in his neck as he caught sight of her bare breasts as they brushed Noah's bicep when she rolled onto her stomach. He shuffled to pull the lower half of his body away, a force of habit. Elisabeth grinned at the power she had over him. Even in the morning, Elli mused to herself, how is he this beautiful? Dishevelled and heavy-eyed and beautiful.

 _You make it that way,_ he signed back, and Elisabeth rolled her eyes, but grinned anyway. Her 1920s gentleman. She tingled as Noah pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder-blade, then another to her temple as he brushed her hair aside. His expression was earnest, adoring, and it made Elisabeth self-conscious to be beneath his intense gaze. Then, Noah signed words as beautiful as himself. _You make me feel things I didn't think were possible for me._

The words threw Elli completely, and she was stupefied, giddy and warm and high on love for him, her Noah, her person. Shewriggled up so her face was closer to his. Noah rolled to lean on his side, and Elli hesitated, suddenly very, very vulnerable. But not because she wasn't wearing anything. _I…_

Noah sensed her pause, gently pushing a strand of hair behind her ear as encouragement. Elli swallowed before signing. _I didn't know if I'd ever be truly happy again, after losing my family,_ she signed, and Noah's expression softened. _But you make me truly happy, Noah._

Noah's lips twitched into the gentlest smile she had ever seen, his hair sticking up from how he had slept, his eyes slow and sleepy. _That's all I ever wanted,_ he signed. _To make you happy._ Elli smiled. He made her happier than anything in the world, but it hadn't been that way for a long time after her dad's death. She watched Noah's blue eyes flicker and glaze over as he thought.

Elli knew Noah was remembering those difficult years after she had appeared before him, covered in blood, a terrified creature frozen in his headlight.

Noah smiled again as the memory appeared behind his eyes, and Elli could almost see it being summoned before them, vivid as day. _Did you know_ , he signed, _after you first came to the cave, my one goal was to see you smile. To steal that sadness from your eyes_ , he signed, and Elli's throat grew thick. _When I told you about Paradise for the first time, and you smiled a tiny smile, it was like I had conquered the world._

Elli remembered. They had been in the cave together for about two or three weeks, and Elisabeth finally asked why Noah moved the rocks from the Passage. And when he had told her of a world without pain, without suffering, where everyone she loved was alive, she finally had hope again. Adam, the Passage, Paradise.

 _I remember_ , she signed now. _In the cave. I'll never forget that. What you did for me._ She rolled to sit up into a cross legged position, wrapping her Christmas blanket around herself. She caught Noah's eyes, and her cheeks burnt hot. _Last night was all I could have wanted,_ Elli signed. And it was true. And she wanted it again, and again, until there was nothing more to discover, and then more.

Noah nodded in agreement, his finger circling Elli's kneecap. It tickled, but she didn't want him to stop. _It was…_ Noah's dimples appeared, and they both broke into wide grins as they made the sign simultaneously. _Paradise._

Noah rolled onto his side, leaning his head on one hand. Elli cocked her head as Noah's face grew pensive, that divot of deep thought appearing between his brows. Sometimes, she could read him like one of the books he gave her for her birthday. Other times, like now, he was inscrutable. _Elli_ , he signed, _do you ever want more?_

Elli frowned, urging him on. She repressed a coy smirk, pursing her upturned lips. Had he read her mind? _More?_

Noah was pondering something different. _More than just this. Being in this cabin, with me, in the Apocalypse._ He chewed his bottom lip, and he signed before Elli could shake her head in an immediate retort. _I mean… the farm I told you about, for example. A bigger home, with real beds and walls that aren't falling apart. A beautiful mansion like the old hotel, even,_ he added with a nervous laugh, but Elli could tell he was being serious by the dreamlike glimmer in those clear blue eyes. _Anything you want._

She recognised this type of conversation. They'd had had it many times over the years, but it had always been her posing the question out of guilt for stealing his old life from him. Elli had told him only last year that she dreamt of a normal life with her family, and school and dances and movies and swim club, but that was just a childish fancy. But what Noah was asking was if she wanted for anything now.

And she didn't.

 _No_ , she replied, shaking her head _. I'd rather live in a cave or in the woods with you than a fancy place. I don't want anything else besides this. Just you._ Noah grinned. A few horses, like you want. _The apples and the fields. And the rest of my family,_ Elisabeth added quickly. They'd be there too.

Noah opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself. He scrambled to sit up across from Elli. She admired the rippling muscle of his torso as the sleeping bag slipped down his chest, coming to rest tantalisingly low in his lap, concealing everything except the v-shape of his hips, and she swallowed as she caught a glimpse of his arousal. Noah seemed to be trying to ignore it. Elli wished he wouldn't.

 _The rest of your family?_ Noah signed slowly, and Elli immediately shifted her focus to his words, his awestruck expression. She could focus on his body later. Noah continued, his lips moving slowly, eyes wide and shimmering. _You… consider me a part of your family?_

Elli snorted before she could stop herself. _Duh!_ What a stupid question. He knew this, didn't he? _Of course!_ She signed emphatically, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She had told him this already. _You're more than just my family._

Noah's eyes grew moist, and Elli realised what she was saying might not have been so obvious to Noah. Noah was her family. It was the most real, most concrete fact in Elisabeth's life. It was the one thing she was certain of. But Noah was more than that.

And then, it dawned on her. This was a huge revelation, even if she already knew. Elli lifted her hand to sign again, gentler this time. She swallowed. _You're home._

Noah's chin quivered, and Elisabeth hoped it hadn't scared him away. _All this time, since I was young, Sic Mundus was my only family._ His hands were trembling, and Elisabeth's heart swelled. _But you…_

Elli couldn't stop herself from leaning over and kissing Noah deeply, languidly, with all the time in the world. He tasted like home, too. She didn't want anything else. Just to be here with Noah in their cabin at the end of the world. Elli wrapped the blanket tighter around them, until they were inseparable, cocooned together. Noah chuckled into her mouth as they kissed, and Elisabeth felt his breath catch in his mouth as her breasts brushed his bare chest, the mere inches between both of their pelvises, the enticing hardness covered only by a part of the sleeping bag.

 _I could build you a palace, give you the world, and you'd crawl back into that blanket instead, or the cave,_ Noah signed when they broke apart, panting, and Elli laughed breathlessly, pulling the blanket with her, leaving Noah's torso completely bare. _I would,_ he continued, his lips parted, eyes moist.

_Would what?_

_Give you the world if I could._

Flames licked the soft insides of Elli's legs, surging upwards and collecting at the top of her thighs. _You did,_ she signed, and Noah's cheeks reddened.

Then, she had an idea. Elisabeth quirked an eyebrow, looking down at herself, draped in the blanket. Slowly, she let the blanket slide down her shoulder, and revelled in the sudden change that washed over Noah's features as it inched down her chest, revealing pale, bare skin, the muscle twitching in his jaw, his eyelids growing hooded and heavy. _You could give me the world again,_ Elli grinned as she signed _._

Noah's jaw clenched, and he pulled the sleeping bag up higher on himself, as if Elli didn't know already how hard he was. _I told Jonas I'd help him today,_ he signed, sitting up, but Elisabeth could see he was dragging in halting breaths, the hint of a playful smile playing on his lips. _Believe me, I would rather stay here with you forever, but…_ Noah's expression was fervent, his eyes taking on a quality she had seen last night and at the lake. Desire. Strong desire.

 _Then stay forever_ , Elli signed, and the blanket slipped down, and she watched Noah's Adam's apple bob again as his eyes glanced downwards for a fraction of a second. She cocked her head, smirking, as she dropped the blanket entirely. _Stay._

Noah was weakening, like he always did for Elisabeth. Noah's eyes burnt into Elli's skin, branding her, marking her as his. But he was hers just as much as she was his. Elli prowled over to him, hoping she evoked the same predatory aura he radiated when he had borne down on her, tasted her between her legs.

 _Elli,_ she saw him mouth, as Elisabeth planted her palms on either side of Noah's head, her blonde hair swinging into his eyes as she pressed her lips to his. She relished the glassy expression that overcame his handsome face as she gazed down at him, and his sharp jaw dropped slightly as she swung her legs over either side of his hips, straddling him.

 _Is this okay?_ She signed, and Noah nodded, his eyes hooded, his breath speeding up. Elli loved that she could make him feel this way- she had never thought she would ever make anyone feel this way. This still didn't feel completely real, a dream that she still hadn't woken from.

Elisabeth kissed him messily, and his body vibrated beneath her as he met the kiss with the same intensity. Elli gasped as Noah's hands slid up her thighs to grip her hips, pulling her against him, hot and hard and hers, her sex grinding against his. The gentleness from the night before seemed to evaporate as they kissed and moved against one another like hungry animals, moulding against one another, touching as much of the other as they could

Noah's roughened hands dug into the soft flesh of her ass, and it felt so good Elli inhaled sharply. Noah stopped, his eyes widening. He gave the _'you okay?'_ sign, and Elli snorted, nodding.

 _That was good!_ She signed, and Noah sighed in relief, before smirking and doing it again, drawing a whimper from Elli's chest. He gripped her tightly, increasing the friction between them to a point that Elli must have cried out, because Noah's dark eyes flashed with unbridled lust. Their breathing was staggering, their kisses hard and their movements warm from their bodies rubbing, their nerves touching and sparking and blazing and wet.

Elisabeth sat back on Noah's taut stomach, slowly inching backwards, her sex on fire with an aching, yearning need. She felt Noah moan beneath her, his eyes shut, and the sight was holy. He was as hard as a mast, and tantalisingly close…

but they didn't have another condom.

Noah stopped her, before she could sidle back too far, though his lustful eyes were pained. Elli deflated slightly, and Noah smiled. _Soon,_ he promised, his cheeks flushed and his eyes bright. Elli sighed, causing Noah to chuckle beneath her, but then she perked up again.

 _What?_ Noah cocked his head at Elli's expression, and she adjusted her position over him.

 _You'll see._ There were always other things they could do.

Other things Elli could do, like Noah had done for her.

Elli bent over Noah, increasingly curious, and pressed kisses from his neck to his chest, down the line of his abs, to the juncture of his thighs, his tapered hips. Noah's hands found their way into Elli's hair, winding it around his fingers, and Elli was in heaven as he watched her kiss down his entire body.

Finally, she pressed a kiss to the top of his hardened staff, grinning, and Noah's head fell backwards onto the pillow again.

And Noah stayed.


End file.
